Athena Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 Thank you for your response Athena, but why would he tell you that much detail?? Probably because she asked him. That's part of the process when a couple gets back together after one of them has cheated. The cheater trys or is suppose to disclose everything. Guilt is very powerful. Yes, Stillafool is correct, everything always came out in the D-day disclosures and for weeks/months after... Also, my H considers me his best friend (23 years!), loves me, and needed to talk to Someone! I also Ask Questions... and people like to Talk about themselves, don't they?
fooled once Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Last I wrote he stood me up, could not contact me and does not take great risks to do so, , but he stood me up last date and did not go out of his way to find me,.. Men who love women are compassionate, caring, loving and devoted to them. If he loved you, he would divorce his wife to be with you. If he loved you, he would not stand you up. If he loved you, he would contact you and not wait for you to contact him. If he loved you, he would be with you. Period. And I do believes wive's know their husbands better than the flavor of the month. The wife and husband may grow apart, but there is no way I will believe a OW knows that much about a person when they only see them 1-2 a week for an hour here or there. No way.
White Flower Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 D, Do not throw yourself at this man. I was an OW too and absolutely know the desperation and frustration of not being together and putting our issues on the back burner while he went on with his merry life. I had my pride and when I couldn't take the distant feeling anymore I made him come to me. When he came to me then I knew he had respect and love. This is true of any R. You must give yourself at least that. Don't call him--let him call you! Don't buy Viagra for him--that is HIS problem. And yes, it could be that he is so nervous around you because you are new that he has problems in bed.
Stepone Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 He asked me to get him some Viagra on the net. Tonight I feel like sending it to his wife, why am I putting up with this and why can't i get the hell out. Ok what are you - a pharmacist?! I have read your post and it sounds as if he just isn't that into you, he can take or leave you. I wouldn't bother getting his wife involved, as it sounds as if it would just be out of revenge for the fact that he isn't that into you, and would therefore leave you feeling bad in the long term. Unless you really feel it would be to her benefit to know what her hubby's up to...... Cut off all contact with this loser!!! It can't be hard as it doesn't even sound as if he will pine for you deeply. He can't even find ten minutes for you. He senses you are getting too "needy". You can do better girl! A man who can spontaneously get a hard-on would be a start!
Author delirious Posted May 16, 2009 Author Posted May 16, 2009 Men who love women are compassionate, caring, loving and devoted to them. If he loved you, he would divorce his wife to be with you. If he loved you, he would not stand you up. If he loved you, he would contact you and not wait for you to contact him. If he loved you, he would be with you. Period. And I do believes wive's know their husbands better than the flavor of the month. The wife and husband may grow apart, but there is no way I will believe a OW knows that much about a person when they only see them 1-2 a week for an hour here or there. No way. Oh I guess you must be a BS. Sorry for your pain. But it was not me. Life is not that simple. If only it were.
jj33 Posted May 16, 2009 Posted May 16, 2009 Delerious it doesnt matter if he was being nice or he he loves you or he is afraid or any of it. It doesnt matter. After xMM and i ended the A he "came back" several times and there was lots of toing and froing but the bottom line is he is still married. maybe your situation will end differently but getting back into the A isnt going to do that for you. Its only going to mean that he can keep his marriage and keep you when he has time to see you. Is that really what you want? Hes guilty and conflicted and he misses you so he calls makes plans and then backs away because its not good for his marriage. And at this point he doesnt want to lose the marriage. If he didnt care about losing the marriage hed be getting a divorce. Why he stays isnt the point, he may love you more than life itself but if he isnt leaving and is so conflicted about the affair then you need to stand WAY back. Let him see what life is like without you hovering in the wings. OWs make many marriages more palatable for the spouses because they fill in the gaps. Dont keep being a gap filler. Back away then and only then will he decide what he really wants to do.
ednadean Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 oh my -- I see what you're saying about my not being truly in love you are. From your story though -- he might be feeling intense emotions, maybe even love -- but he's not willing to give up ANYTHING for you. He holds all the cards and you're just a puppy willing to follow him around and to ruin a good few months of your life waiting, wondering, pining and feeling awful. it sounds like he's giving you 10% of his time,and even then its grudgingly. I can see you're in love. it happens -- I'm sure he's a fantastic man, and were he not married you'd probably make a good couple -- but the fact is, he is married and he's not looking to get a divorce. That means you either have to walk away [and the hurt will subside after a while] -- or you stay in this hell for years..never moving on. I know it's cliche, but no matter how amazing he is -- the REALITY is that he's not willing to give himself to you -- and you deserve more than that. I can tell that you don't want to be his casual thing...you're only going to be more miserable if you stick around. my advice would be a NC period -- after a few weeks it will get better -- slowly. He'll try to come back but you'll have to stay strong, for your sanity. hugs!
LaGazelle Posted June 8, 2009 Posted June 8, 2009 I knew him for over a year before we started the A. I met and talked to him regularly. I once lived with a guy for 10 years, and to be honest I barely knew him. Lots of BS do not realise that they barely know their husbands too. So what are you saying here, that just because we have had an A for 8 months, I do not know him? Well, by your own admission, you do not in fact know him hence your thread title....knowing someone surely enables you to understand them. Getting to know someone involves spending quality time with them, which from what I understand, you haven't really been able to do.
Author delirious Posted June 8, 2009 Author Posted June 8, 2009 oh my -- I see what you're saying about my not being truly in love you are. From your story though -- he might be feeling intense emotions, maybe even love -- but he's not willing to give up ANYTHING for you. He holds all the cards and you're just a puppy willing to follow him around and to ruin a good few months of your life waiting, wondering, pining and feeling awful. it sounds like he's giving you 10% of his time,and even then its grudgingly. I can see you're in love. it happens -- I'm sure he's a fantastic man, and were he not married you'd probably make a good couple -- but the fact is, he is married and he's not looking to get a divorce. That means you either have to walk away [and the hurt will subside after a while] -- or you stay in this hell for years..never moving on. I know it's cliche, but no matter how amazing he is -- the REALITY is that he's not willing to give himself to you -- and you deserve more than that. I can tell that you don't want to be his casual thing...you're only going to be more miserable if you stick around. my advice would be a NC period -- after a few weeks it will get better -- slowly. He'll try to come back but you'll have to stay strong, for your sanity. hugs! Thanks you are right, I am truly enlightened by your postings, he is not deserving of my love, in a fraught call to him, he told me he does not want me to love him, it is not what either or us intended, i have to quit. I will try to keep away from him, He is not going to leave her for me, i have not asked him to, i did not think about it before. .
tami-chan Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 If it helps you any, allow me to share my H's affair with you... he had affair # 7 over a year ago with a woman who worked at a bar he frequented while working overseas... he spoke with her for several months before they made it a physical affair... in the year that they dated and slept with each other (she slept over at his apartment a couple of times per week), he often went impotent with her due to his guilt at having an affair with her! He has NEVER had this issue in our relationship (we've been married 23 years and sex has always been frequent, and good), so I am positive it was the guilt! He grew to love that OW, so it wasn't that... (he also loves me and doesn't want to lose me...) it was just his guilt. If he told you he loved you, then he did at the time. (((((((((ATHENA)))))))))))))!!!!!! Sorry. T/J.
ednadean Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 Thanks you are right, I am truly enlightened by your postings, he is not deserving of my love, in a fraught call to him, he told me he does not want me to love him, it is not what either or us intended, i have to quit. I will try to keep away from him, He is not going to leave her for me, i have not asked him to, i did not think about it before. . Hi love, Happy to be of any help. It's always easier for someone who is not 'in' it thought to give advice Hmmm --- no more calling by the way -- it just makes you seem needy and potentially a little [temporarily] crazy to him. That's just going to make him treat you worse. He's going to push you away more and more and hurt you more and more (maybe not even intentionally). What you need to do is to instil a NC [push it back onto him and say that it's so that he can refocus on his life] and start gaining control of the situation. I think a lot of the problems with intilling NCs is that they're made into big dramating "I don't want to talk to you anymore": situations. Perhaps a better way is to just cut off contact 100% from your end. Reply politely to any direct questions in email and don't take his calls or anything like that. If he asks just say that you think it's for the best -- and you don't see any future for you both and you feel like you need to move on. Best of luck delerious!!!! We're here for you.
dobler33 Posted June 9, 2009 Posted June 9, 2009 delirius, stay with me, girl. you were doing so well there for a minute. you know i know where you are so i'm never gonna judge you or think you're stupid or weak. but for you - for YOU, honey - you have got to pull yourself out of this nosedive. this is exactly what some of these good people have been calling it - an addiction. remember those bastard little chemicals we were talking about? your brain is SWISS CHEESE right now, baby. i wouldn't bloody well trust yourself operating heavy machinery at this point. this is going to suck like a hoover for a while, but it WILL get better. i am living proof, as are many of the other folks who are responding to you here. 6 weeks ago i was standing in my bathroom with a bottle of pills in my hand because i truly couldn't imagine living through the withdrawal from the xMM. lean on us, let us support you. right or wrong, moral or immoral doesn't matter at this point. we'll deal with that later. right now you need to get through the first few weeks of detox and then we can wax philosophical about the nature fidelity. this is NOT good for you, delirious! stay with us, ok?
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