delirious Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Help, I am stuck - cannot get out of this. Cry every day. Want him all the time. Last I wrote he stood me up, could not contact me and does not take great risks to do so, so as normal I contacted him, but he could not talk to me as this family were there., He told me to ring him next week. I said you are f....cking with my head. He said ring him next week as he has a lot on (he was pretending it was a client). I do know that he is busy though. He cannot ring me as we have no mobiles and both partners are present. I said could he not meet me for ten minutes as i wanted to talk, he said he could not. I am so not able to pull away from this, I just want to see him again. The last time we talked, we had a laugh and we were on track. Now I do not know whether he is just stringing me. I know I should get out but i am so stuck...... i never thought i would be so hooked. I did not cry on the phone but just said, look do you want me to call you next week or not. He said yes, but it was up to me (what)??? The problem is knowing what the f... he is thinking because when there are others there he cannot say, but he stood me up last date and did not go out of his way to find me,. I just want to see him again, i would give anything although i have not let him know this. He asked me to get him some Viagra on the net. Tonight I feel like sending it to his wife, why am I putting up with this and why can't i get the hell out.
Kamikaze Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You are feeling the emotional pull - which of course HE is not feeling! Don't call him, don't contact him (easy for me to say - right?) find someone or something else to keep your mind busy. Do whatever you have to do - but, stay away from him. Kami
wildsoul Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Yikes. You are really in the throws of your addiction to him. At this stage, your thinking is pretty messed up. It doesn't (yet) matter WHY you are hooked on him. Understanding won't help you to stop. For now, you just need to see that this is an addiction. Put down the crack pipe! Just deal with the act of quitting. Understanding will come later.
Author delirious Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks for replying, i am going to bed with a bottle of wine....... I never thought it would get me like this. I am totally confused.
jj33 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Delerious - this was your post from a few days ago: "I have been with mm for 8 months, we and he finished two times but could not keep apart. The last break for six weeks and we fell into each other's arms, slightly before that happened however he said we could not go on like this (I know slight cliche). But afterwards, we did not make love but just held each other tightly during which the emotion was incredible. We said goodbye but was not sure if it was the end. However I rang him two days later and said could we talk and he was different again, saying yes definitely and arranging to meet the following week. We talked on the phone for half an hour and laughed and joked. So I was confident things were back on track although i knew we needed to discuss where we go but I did not say this - I thought i would wait until I saw him. However he did not show up, he cannot ring me as we have no mobiles and home phone gets answered for office. I always ring him. I am truly devastated, i do not know what to do. Has he bottled it? Has he changed his mind again. How do I cope. I know recently he has developed very strong feelings but help - I wanted to get this sorted this time. I normally ring him one day a week when w is not there. I know he will not be able to ring me. SHould I ring him again or suffer and open the wine again. I love him so much it is making me a wreck, I had said before, we could just meet for coffee occasionally rather than stop completely. Help all MM or men in that predicament. I know he will not want to hurt me on purpose." You seem to think that things are back on track because he was glad to hear from you. But he has ended it and may just be being kind. It does not mean he doesnt have feelings for you - it just means that he has made a decision that he cant continue with the A -- which is consistent with what he told you - he cant go on like this. He may be willing to speak to you to want to know that you are OK he may even miss you, but his behavior is saying he doesnt want to continue the A. And if he did, what would that mean for you? So long as he is married he cant return your love the way you want him to. its very difficult to end a relationship with someone we love when we know they love us too. But sometimes circumstances are sucth that it is the only option. You will grieve continue to post but its time to do your best not to hang on when he is telling you by his actions that it is over. Big hugs I know its difficult
Mr. Lucky Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 its very difficult to end a relationship with someone we love when we know they love us too. Doesn't his conduct prove that the idea that he loves the OP is at least open to question? He may "love" the ego validation that he gets from her, and he may "love" the physical relationship they have, but putting her in this position, at least to me, doesn't meet the broader definition of the word... Mr. Lucky
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 When affairs stop being fun, and start being inconvenient - the MP will bail. Usually gradually though. They stop making efforts, let the OW/OM do all the work, and simply accept what is given. Then eventually they stop accepting all the time, and then as it is winding down and they are sure the OW/OM won't make a break difficult they will give the old "I need to give my marriage a shot" speech. Then, they generally do out and find a more compliant and fun OW/OM. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but having been there so many times - that is how it is when you strip the 'love and roses' from it. Your best bet is to let go now, before you get your heart even more mangled.
NoIDidn't Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 He wants you to buy him some viagra?!!!! Who is he going to use it on since he isn't seeing you?!!! I hope this breaks through the addiction.
jj33 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 He asked you to buy some viagra? I didnt see that. Was he kidding? As NID said reason enough to forget this guy.
MizzBlue72 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Yes - you are seriously addicted to him, and like other posters have said, he may feel for you - but never in the way that you need him to. Let go - don't contact him at all. Throw away email addresses/phone numbers/IM contact info, etc. You can't stay friends if you really want to get over this. Trust me - do this now before you hurt even more. Yes - it's hard at first, but you can do it. And the crying will lessen, and the loneliness will not be as bad. Keep busy - and keep posting on here for support. A lot of the people on here may not see eye to eye, but reading and hearing from everyone on here helped me stop my A. I was just like you ... I really know how bad it hurts. But it gets so much better. And you deserve way more than a quickie or a phone call now and then.
Author delirious Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 It was the last time we talked when he arranged to meet me, to get him some V. That is why I thought we were going ok then bang he does not turn up and no explanation. It was for using on me cos he gets so stressed. He cannot cope with the lying at all. But when we are together it is amazing, even though 80% of the time we do not make love. Hence the V. So it must be more than just a quickie surely? Not all affairs are about sex. We knew each other before for at least a year. The problem seems to be that he keeps swaying one way then the other and it is f....g with my head. I know I have to let go..... but I am worried where I am going to fall, like a black gloomy hole. I see him sometimes near his home in the car, as we live near each other, and well, it just makes me ill for at least two hours after. Why am I doing this to myself. I must be a complete masochist. It helps a lot to know that others felt the same. Thank you.
Meaplus3 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Sounds like this guy is clearly messing with you. You need to cut all contact and walk away while you still have your sanity. Mind games can take a toll after awhile. Why put yourself through it? Really, time to move on. Let the wife shop for his viagra. Hang in there. Mea:)
Author delirious Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Thanks for that. I am sure that he is not messing with me, although it would appear so, I really think his head is messed. Either way, it is terrible for me. It is our first A and I know for a fact he would never do this again, he said he would prefer skydiving than go through this again. For the first six months, he had to have a strong drink whenever he met me and would shake like a leaf. I guess he is just a weak man. He has been married for 25 years. What really bothers me is that he told me he has never had the problem needing V. This I do not understand, because I know how much he wants me physically. So therefore intimating that he never had the problem with the W. Can anyone understand that? I suppose he is s....g her and thinking of me. He has always told me that he fantasizes about me and often dreamt of me. I do not know which situation I would prefer in that case. Do you think it is possible that he cannot cope with his fantasy coming to life?
stillafool Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Thanks for that. I am sure that he is not messing with me, although it would appear so, I really think his head is messed. Either way, it is terrible for me. It is our first A and I know for a fact he would never do this again, he said he would prefer skydiving than go through this again. For the first six months, he had to have a strong drink whenever he met me and would shake like a leaf. I guess he is just a weak man. He has been married for 25 years. What really bothers me is that he told me he has never had the problem needing V. This I do not understand, because I know how much he wants me physically. So therefore intimating that he never had the problem with the W. Can anyone understand that? I suppose he is s....g her and thinking of me. He has always told me that he fantasizes about me and often dreamt of me. I do not know which situation I would prefer in that case. Do you think it is possible that he cannot cope with his fantasy coming to life? From these two statements I would say MM is consummed with guilt. That is why he wants to stop. He really loves his W and wants his marriage back. I'm sure he is very attracted to you but not in love as you would think.
stillafool Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 When affairs stop being fun, and start being inconvenient - the MP will bail. Usually gradually though. They stop making efforts, let the OW/OM do all the work, and simply accept what is given. Then eventually they stop accepting all the time, and then as it is winding down and they are sure the OW/OM won't make a break difficult they will give the old "I need to give my marriage a shot" speech. Then, they generally do out and find a more compliant and fun OW/OM. Sorry to be so blunt about it, but having been there so many times - that is how it is when you strip the 'love and roses' from it. Your best bet is to let go now, before you get your heart even more mangled. delirious - remember the above - it's always true most of the time.
Meaplus3 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Do you think it is possible that he cannot cope with his fantasy coming to life? Most likely. Often enough, when the fun and fantasy part end reality sets in and it's enough to "spook" the person. I believe that's what happened in my ea with xmm. Things were getting to close to turning physical.. and for him that was to much to deal with because then it would have become much more real. Mea:)
wildsoul Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I must be a complete masochist. It always stuns me to read OW's here that think they're relationship is somehow more real/valid if they don't have sex with their MM. (((delirious))) So you're putting yourself through this emotional hell, and you're not even getting great sex?! Yes, you must be a masochist! I hope you read this with the warmth and humor intended. You are really settling for crumbs. This guy isn't giving you anything, and it doesnt' seem he his capable of giving anything. It's time to give up on him!
Author delirious Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Sorry I was getting great sex (not going into detail), but great love was more important to me. I loved him before we had sex. I know I have to get out of this and I do appreciate everyone's help. But I only spoke to him yesterday and I already am having the withdrawal shakes. I know he feels guilty, but he told me that he is more guilty about his children than what he feels for his wife. Not that that makes him a better person. Not all MM stay in their relationship because they love their wife? He stands to lose his business.
fooled once Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Can I ask how old you are and how old he is? And really - how do you love someone you barely know?
Author delirious Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Midlife crisis age why? mid 40s. We are both same age.
Author delirious Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Why are some people so quick to say that he does not love me. That really is hurtful and not helpful to say it. Like I said not all affairs are about sex - and that includes men - am I right?. I know I have to let go and this is helping me do that. I do not think I will call him now but I am really depressed. By the way, we had talked in depth over the phone twice over a period of a few days, before arranging to meet so he was not just 'being nice' as JJ said and he would not have asked me to get the V. It's just that he changes his mind or he chickens out and that I cannot cope with. He has cancelled before but he usually meets me to tell me he cannot stay. His w runs his business appointments, so is in control of his workload as she takes all the calls, so he is stuck really to a great degree.
Athena Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 He cannot cope with the lying at all. But when we are together it is amazing, even though 80% of the time we do not make love. Hence the V. So it must be more than just a quickie surely? Not all affairs are about sex. We knew each other before for at least a year. If it helps you any, allow me to share my H's affair with you... he had affair # 7 over a year ago with a woman who worked at a bar he frequented while working overseas... he spoke with her for several months before they made it a physical affair... in the year that they dated and slept with each other (she slept over at his apartment a couple of times per week), he often went impotent with her due to his guilt at having an affair with her! He has NEVER had this issue in our relationship (we've been married 23 years and sex has always been frequent, and good), so I am positive it was the guilt! He grew to love that OW, so it wasn't that... (he also loves me and doesn't want to lose me...) it was just his guilt. Why are some people so quick to say that he does not love me. That really is hurtful and not helpful to say it. Like I said not all affairs are about sex - and that includes men - am I right?. If he told you he loved you, then he did at the time.
Author delirious Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Thank you for your response Athena, but why would he tell you that much detail??
stillafool Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Thank you for your response Athena, but why would he tell you that much detail?? Probably because she asked him. That's part of the process when a couple gets back together after one of them has cheated. The cheater trys or is suppose to disclose everything. Guilt is very powerful.
Author delirious Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Can I ask how old you are and how old he is? And really - how do you love someone you barely know? I knew him for over a year before we started the A. I met and talked to him regularly. I once lived with a guy for 10 years, and to be honest I barely knew him. Lots of BS do not realise that they barely know their husbands too. So what are you saying here, that just because we have had an A for 8 months, I do not know him?
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