Els Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Planning how to get me to his place is screwing with both of our heads and emotions. So many uncertainties, so many obstacles. Pretty much the only way for us to be together without seriously compromising either of our future careers and families, is for me to get a postgrad course where he is. We reached that conclusion after hitting lots of closed doors. And even that, with my current circumstances, is going to be difficult. I might not get those few places that offer the course I need, and if I do he might not be able to get work nearby. And if I select a place and then he finds out he can't work anywhere nearby, we're screwed for the next 2 years, again. Now, I'm the kind of person that likes to take things as they go. But that's impossible in this case. Applications for such things have pre-reqs that take a long time to complete. So we must give it thought NOW. But there are so many things NOW that we don't know yet; we're basically forced to think of options with a blindfold over our eyes. And we both hate that. He gets all gloomy and withdrawn after we hash through all the problems and uncertainties. I hate that I'm making him gloomy and withdrawn -- but I feel like I've no choice. I think it's dumb that he's not taking any initiative to find out things except when I ask him to, and yet spending all that time worrying and brooding over it. Whenever I tell him this, he maintains that there's nothing else left to find out except what I asked him to. But I'm pretty sure that there's plenty I'm missing that another mind could think of if only he put his to the task. He isn't being lazy or not caring -- he's despairing too much over it to the point that it's counterproductive. We took a break from everything and did some fun things together after, and it felt better. It always feels better except when we're not talking about it. But it's necessary -- it's just that we can't seem to deal with it productively. I get all anxious and keep bringing up the situation with him because there's just so much we need to do and clarify... which has the effect of making him clarify ONLY what I asked him to clarify and putting him in a despairing mood. Ugh!
SophieA Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I'm really really sorry you're frustrated. I really wish I could give you some advice that would really help...but I don't think I can. So I just want to leave you with this quote that I found somewhere that I read sometimes to calm myself down. "Sometimes, it doesn't take a grand gesture to fix things. Sometimes, it's just the reminder that you're both in this together and that you simply wouldn't want to be with anyone else, even if that meant less chaos." Again, sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but know that those of us on this forum know all too well the frustrations that come along with this LDR thing.
Island Girl Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 My husband and I went through a stress situation and our reactions were similar to both of you - but in reverse. I was the one despairing and stressed out like you wouldn't believe. And he was "worried" (his word for stressed) yet he handled it like you are. He wanted to talk about things and get answers or resolutions to loose ends - but those resolutions were not going to happen instantly. And each time we talked I would go to a level 10 of stress, despair, hopelessness (although it wasn't) etc. I was in therapy for my PTSD at the time and talked to my therapist about what was going on and that he kept pushing talking about it - and that I knew it needed to be talked about and acted upon - but that I felt overwhelmed by it all at the same time so I wanted to shut down. I kind of had the ostrich with the head in the sand thing going on. I knew it was looming. But it had been so stressful for so long I just wanted to stop time and have a BREAK. I couldn't of course. But everything in me was making that happen on my side with procrastination, not wanting to talk about it or deal with it a lot of the time, etc. She advised that since it did need to be talked about, that we set forth some guidelines. He would approach the subject and ask if it was a good time to talk about it (because there was always a chance I was having a better day that day) and if it wasn't a good time we preset a day/time to discuss it. THAT even helped me feel a little more in control of it and that it wouldn't just rear it's ugly head and take me away like a run away train. It allowed the conversations to be a lot more productive and shorter as well so that helped. It was still in no way fixed. Just more livable, we got along a lot better as far as communicating about it (I have a really short fuse when I am stressed), and it didn't destroy us in the process. You are facing extraordinary circumstances. I would not be able to handle it and do the pre-work needed for your options. I can tell you that working threw these circumstances together and coming through them will result in both of you being more committed to making things work while showing the other that they can depend on the other in real life super difficulties. Who wants to work so damn hard for something and then throw it away?!!! It has been my experience that it just makes you hold onto each other that much "tighter". I am hoping that helps Elswyth. {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}
Author Els Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Thank you so much for your concern, both of you. IG, that was a good idea, maybe I should try it. But some things just cannot wait -- he has been procrastinating them long enough. Maybe they CAN wait for a couple more hours, but the problem is that -I- cannot stand holding it in for that long, because I can't find relief til I am sure that something is going to be done about it, as deadlines are looming. In his defense, he IS extremely busy and his course is very stressful, but it's so frustrating when I'm the one who has to keep reminding him (even though I'm more free) ! A friend called me up just now just to chat and I realize something... I really miss talking to someone who is actually happy! But yet... my guy is depressed because of US, so I can't hold that against him. We can't afford therapists.
LonelyTiger Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Elswyth, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. You have the worries of the world on your shoulders and he obviously isn't making things any easier for you. I don't begin to pretend I understand what you're going through - it must be very frustrating for you - but I do know what it's like to feel that you're the only one who is trying to sort out the problem. If he's feeling low and getting depressed about your situation he may just be feeling completely helpless. It's obviously counter productive but unfortunately, if that's how he deals with these things, he's not going to suddenly change overnight. As Island Girl says, agreeing a time to talk about important issues can be really helpful. That way, the stressful stuff has a slot of it's own and then doesn't eat into your quality time together. I don't know if this suggestion will apply in your case but I sometimes find that writing my husband emails can get my needs across to him more easily. He does his best to listen, but I know that if he's distracted I won't get through to him while we're talking on skype. He's actually quite a visual person, so if I need to tell him or ask him something important, I usually send him an email. That way, he can look at it and then think about it (and hopefully act on it) when the time is right for him - at least that way I know I've got my message through. If you've tried everything and still find that he doesn't want to talk about, or 'do' constructive things to help, you will have to somehow accept that this job is yours - and do whatever you can to sort it from your end. The good news is that you're clearly a very strong person and you just have to keep at it until you find a solution. Try to think positively - what is the absolute worst that could happen here? You may be apart for another two years! It may sound like a nightmare at this point but if you build that into plans as a possibility, should things not work out as you hope, at least you'll be mentally prepared. I know it's hard but do your best to keep smiling - if you feel better talking to happy people, then it makes sense that he'll feel better talking to you if you sound happy. You'll get there Elswyth, it may not feel like that at the moment, but all things get sorted in the end, one way or another.
Author Els Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Hi guys, The talking has been going a bit better. But the worries haven't. I'm terrified and demoralized. Demoralized because even after all the struggle and effort, luck might thwart us, and add another few years into the bargain. Terrified that after all the working and waiting it'll all add up to naught. I wonder, how do two people even ever pursue their desired career paths while living in the same place, if they met before that? And I feel slightly resentful. If I do manage to somehow get myself into postgrad studies in his country and he isn't able to get a spot in a hospital nearby with the particular specialisation that he wants, he says he would go to the place which DOES offer him such, even if it meant longer distance. So even if my best efforts yield results, it might not be enough. Part of me really does want to believe that all things will turn out alright, LonelyTiger. Because there are so many things that we don't know at the moment and so many things that can change, it does sound rather silly to be worrying everyday about such stuff. Yet, what do we have in LDR besides end goals? And if it truly works out to be too difficult to be together in RL, wouldn't that put the immense amount of sweat and tears that we invested over the years, to naught? Right now, I'm torn between 1. reassuring him (he was pretty torn up after our discussion tonight) and myself that we'll cross the bridge when we get to it and there's no point screwing ourselves over right now because of bad luck that MIGHT happen. 2. seriously reconsidering if I should make the big jump to go to him unless he can give me assurance that he will be taking a job nearby 3. feeling guilty for trying to talk him into altering his career plans for me 2 years more isn't the ABSOLUTE worst, too. It's just one of the possible steps of 'worst'. To be honest, I'm not sure that I'm mentally prepared for that either. I fear that the distance will gradually take its' toll on us more and more (it's been 5 months since he's left and there's some difficulty already) and drive us apart. He said that to him, a few extra years is nothing in the long run. But I'm thinking: what if because of those years, there ISN'T a long run? And if a few extra years means so little to you, why can you not delay specializing for those few extra years?
northstar1 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Hi guys, The talking has been going a bit better. But the worries haven't. I'm terrified and demoralized. Demoralized because even after all the struggle and effort, luck might thwart us, and add another few years into the bargain. Terrified that after all the working and waiting it'll all add up to naught. I wonder, how do two people even ever pursue their desired career paths while living in the same place, if they met before that? And I feel slightly resentful. If I do manage to somehow get myself into postgrad studies in his country and he isn't able to get a spot in a hospital nearby with the particular specialisation that he wants, he says he would go to the place which DOES offer him such, even if it meant longer distance. So even if my best efforts yield results, it might not be enough. Part of me really does want to believe that all things will turn out alright, LonelyTiger. Because there are so many things that we don't know at the moment and so many things that can change, it does sound rather silly to be worrying everyday about such stuff. Yet, what do we have in LDR besides end goals? And if it truly works out to be too difficult to be together in RL, wouldn't that put the immense amount of sweat and tears that we invested over the years, to naught? Right now, I'm torn between 1. reassuring him (he was pretty torn up after our discussion tonight) and myself that we'll cross the bridge when we get to it and there's no point screwing ourselves over right now because of bad luck that MIGHT happen. 2. seriously reconsidering if I should make the big jump to go to him unless he can give me assurance that he will be taking a job nearby 3. feeling guilty for trying to talk him into altering his career plans for me 2 years more isn't the ABSOLUTE worst, too. It's just one of the possible steps of 'worst'. To be honest, I'm not sure that I'm mentally prepared for that either. I fear that the distance will gradually take its' toll on us more and more (it's been 5 months since he's left and there's some difficulty already) and drive us apart. He said that to him, a few extra years is nothing in the long run. But I'm thinking: what if because of those years, there ISN'T a long run? And if a few extra years means so little to you, why can you not delay specializing for those few extra years? How long have you been with this fella ?
sunflower89 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 Bleh, this thread hit a little cloose to home for me.. My boyfriend is getting a postgrad course over here as its the only way we can be together as I've only just finished my first year of Uni and cant relocate right now. I really hope everything works out for you--You're not alone <3
Author Els Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thanks, sunflower. All the best to you too!
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