unhappylady Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Hello I have done it. I have ended my affair with MM. I have sent him a one paragraph email to his work email telling him I cannot do this anymore and explaining my reasons. I asked him to respect my wish by not contacting me to talk about it or try and win me back as it will make it harder for me and I am serious. It's over. I was tempted to tell him I love him at the end as the email seemed so 'harsh' but decided that might give him the impetus to try and weedle his way back in. I have put a block on my email account so any emails he sends me will bounce back and am going to see if I can do the same with my phone. I am hoping he doesn't turn up at my work as he has done that before when I have cooled it with him (when trying to distance myself). I know it sounds drastic doing this but it's to help me as I am terrified of him contacting me and my ending up back at Square One, which I could if on a bad day. I am in shock, this affair has gone on over a year, I am not even feeling any emotions yet but am ready for them coming in waves. I will not go back, I will not degrade myself. Thank you Loveshack. I have no support group so this has been mine. I have been lurking for months - spending hours reading all the various threads, trying to find something, anything to help me. Thank you for the advice, I needed straight down the line advice from people who have been here. Gamine, it was your reply that did it for me - thank you. I will not go back, I will not. I am terrified for what lies ahead emotion wise and am worried how I will keep it together, bearing in mind it's a secret from everyone I know. But I have to, to go back would be entering into a slow death. Will keep you posted how I am. I am dreading what lies ahead but I have to keep thinking of how I will feel when I come out the other side. Let's hope I will be happylady - not unhappylady.
Author unhappylady Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 One last question - am I heartless for not allowing him to respond? The truth is I would do anything to hear his voice but I just know he will say something that will mean I am back at Square One. I have to literally put a barrier up regarding contact, it's the only way to protect myself from relapse. But what about him? Am I out of order?.
Lyssa Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 It is for the best that he doesn't contact you, don't you think? You do not want to go back to square one.
jwi71 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 One last question - am I heartless for not allowing him to respond? The truth is I would do anything to hear his voice but I just know he will say something that will mean I am back at Square One. I have to literally put a barrier up regarding contact, it's the only way to protect myself from relapse. But what about him? Am I out of order?. Not heartless, smart. NC means just that..NC!! Nothing more needs be said between you two. Time to start a new chapter in your life...
JeezLouise Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 If NC is healthy for you, then it will be healthy for him, too. You sure wouldn't let your vomiting child eat a salad from Taco Bell, would you? No, you enforce healthy and smart behavior, even (especially) if the other person has less self-control than you do.
Heather1 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I'm right w/ ya.....4 days. Besides posting here, I've just kept REALLY busy. Here's something interesting...I went shopping yesterday & bought a new book at B&N. I looked at the best seller shelf, and it's the first time since I was a kid I hadn't read or recognized one title. I've been an avid reader my whole life, and this past year I've been taken out of my own life for his. The other thing I noticed when we had NC for about a month was that I was a slave to my cell phone. I drove up the coast one time, and he emailed me & called my whole drive. He left work & I had dinner by myself @ this great place, re-reading his emails. In my mind, we took the trip together. In reality, it was another day I spent alone. No one knows about this, and it's very lonely & isolating. This is a good time of year to be busy. Try to think of things you loved to do that you've put aside because of him & start doing those things again. I need to take my own advice, but I have my next 2 weeks booked & then a nice trip to my Mom's planned. Write the stuff down you're feeling. I'm feeling more "done" this time because of the stuff I wrote from our last break. I was becoming myself & happy again, and then when we started contact again it's all been DRAMA! That way, if you go back in you can read how you started to live life for yourself and be happy. Give yourself a date, like 3 weeks, to just take a breather and think clearly. I counted the hours at first, then one day at a time. I'm actually in a good spot right now. Better than I was a few weeks ago when he was in constant contact. My whole day & emotions rode on what was going to be said next. What a great way to live huh?
taylor Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 One last question - am I heartless for not allowing him to respond? The truth is I would do anything to hear his voice but I just know he will say something that will mean I am back at Square One. I have to literally put a barrier up regarding contact, it's the only way to protect myself from relapse. But what about him? Am I out of order?. No. Heartless would have been dropping off the face of the earth and letting him figure out what happened...no email, no explanation, no reasons...just disappearing. You did the right thing for both of you.
Kamikaze Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 One last question - am I heartless for not allowing him to respond? The truth is I would do anything to hear his voice but I just know he will say something that will mean I am back at Square One. I have to literally put a barrier up regarding contact, it's the only way to protect myself from relapse. But what about him? Am I out of order?. You did the right thing! Take it from someone who kept going back - for 30 years! Get out now while you can. Kami
wildsoul Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 No. Heartless would have been dropping off the face of the earth and letting him figure out what happened...no email, no explanation, no reasons...just disappearing. You did the right thing for both of you. Agreed. You don't engage in contact when you're doing NC. It's usually a trick of your own mind, trying to get around the new boundary you made for yourself. Resist the voice that tries to find reasons to contact him again. This will come up again as you go through the withdrawal process. Ignore the impulse.
TaraMaiden Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 One last question - am I heartless for not allowing him to respond? The truth is I would do anything to hear his voice but I just know he will say something that will mean I am back at Square One. I have to literally put a barrier up regarding contact, it's the only way to protect myself from relapse. But what about him? Am I out of order?. There you go. Thinking of his hurt again... I'm sorry, but in order to carry this out successfully, you have to turn your attention and focus entirely onto you. You have ended it with him, ergo, he is not a consideration in your life any longer. Because you have effectively cut him off and told him it is over - which I am certain it is - then you have to make it over in every way possible. This means making sure it is you that you think of first, second and last. No room for manoeuvre. _/l\_ *HPT*
Reggie Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Good first step. Perhaps therapy would help you find what it is within you that allowed this to happen. Consider it.
MizzBlue72 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Good for you!! Now you can start healing and caring for you, and finding the love that you deserve! No contact from him at all. You do need this time to reflect on you. And when you hurt and need help- come post here. Get active - join a group or get out in your community so you are not at home waiting for him to call, etc. It took me awhile lurking on here, getting wishey washey, etc., until I could do this. It's hard. But you stay strong - stay focused. You deserve more than the little bits of love he is giving you. You - my dear- are worth a hell of a lot more. Counseling would not be a bad idea. This can help you cope and deal with your emotions. No matter what - stay no contact. NO MATTER WHAT.
fooled once Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 He has lied and hurt you. You don't owe him a damn thing. Good job!
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