Okeydokey Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I was a teenager in the 90s and got a heavy does of sex ed on this. So, I've always asked my partners to get tested before we're intimate. Been seeing this guy for about a month and I put on the brakes bc I think we should get tested first. So, I e-mailed him today (didn't have the courage to mention it in person) and he's younger and didn't grow up during the same time. He waits longer than usual to respond and then writes back "I'm indisposed call u later". Do people think that it is out of line to ask someone to do this? Is there a right way and a wrong way to ask? Doesn't it seem appropriate to make this request around the time when you've just stopped short of the deed?
sotired Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 If you are having sex....or planning to have sex...Then it absolutely should be discussed! It is not out of line at all and anyone who would protest is not someone you'd want to be sleeping with anyway.
Okfine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 The way I see it is if you are comfortable enough to be intimate with someone you should be comfortable enough to talk about this openly and face to face. Do you think he may have been put off a bit by the idea that you asked him this over email? Even a phone convesation that lead to that topic would have been better than email. Also I never fully understood the idea of asking for a "test". How does he prove to you that he is clean if the test comes out postitive and he wants to lie? Doctors don't give phisical documents or records. Is the actual physical test the key to moving on with trust, or is the fact that you trust that he is up to date with his health check-ups and therefore would not willingly hide this from you in an attempt to be malicious, the way to move forward? Either way it does boil down to trust doesn't it?
Author Okeydokey Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I've definitely gotten a print out of results before. Agreed on face to face or on the phone is better, but I also kind of feel like that really puts someone on the spot and they might want some time to think about it before having to answer especially if they are already aware of having something - how to best present the information you know... So, that is why I opted for e-mail, I get your point though.
sb129 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I was a teenager in the 90s too, and I would never approach it like that. While email is great, for something as sensitive as that, I think you can't beat face to face contact. Rather than putting someone on the spot, I think it can help diffuse the situation and make it seem less "clinical" and more personal. Otherwise you run the risk of seeming not only impersonal, but almost accusatory and rude about their sexual past. Okfine brings up a good point- how much proof do you need? Would you demand to see physical proof that he was clear? I have an HIV test every year for work, but I don't have any paper records of that. i could get them I guess, but why would I lie about it to someone? That wouldn't achieve alot long term. Hep C is your bigger worry- there is no cure, and you are much much more likely to contract Hep C through sexual contact than anything else. I assume you would be using protection anyway..
jayOG Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Being a guy it seems really difficult to ask a girl, kinda get that "you think i'm dirty type of deal." Also, it is generally less sensitive since we just wanna speed things up to get in your pants... I still don't know how to ask unless we talk about sex before we do it...But asking is so damn important.
Okfine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I see. I understand what you were thinking but I think you really put him on the spot by asking on email, hence his reaction. Conversation flows and it can be diffused with affection or even humour. Nothing beats the meeting of the minds on a delicate subject such as this one, being had in person or even on the phone at least. But let’s not dwell on it since it is already done. Would you be willing to talk to him in person now and explain that you did not want to put him on the spot? Sb129 I've never seen paper work either, my doc tells me "a ok" every time I go in for my physical and away I go. So people actually demand to see paperwork?
sb129 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Well you can ask to see the blood test lab return sheet- thats how the docs know you are fine. You can request copies of the tests, it will show levels of cell counts, serum antigen/ antibody levels etc all in a data sheet. But you go to the dr to get that interpreted- they can be a little confusing otherwise to the layperson. The only time I have asked for paper copies of the tests was when I needed them for the occupational health department at work. But on those occasions they usually arranged the tests themselves. But its not standard practice for people to carry them around on their person- so don't you have to just take someones word for it?
Okfine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Right, let me clarify. I mean, I have seen the paper work in my file when I am at the consultation but the documents stay with him. I have never had a "take away" document as proof, nor have I ever bothered to ask. I'd feel like a putz whipping out my health check paper when it's time to get funky. LOL
gopher Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I give blood every 8 weeks, I guess I could use that as a result...
Author Okeydokey Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Definitely willing to talk about it. I left him a msg a couple seconds ago saying (and it was fine to call - there isn't any awkwardness at this point about calling each other) "Just calling because I wanted to talk. And, I know I brought up a sensitive topic in e-mail today so I wanted to have a chance to talk about it if you want. Give me a call back when you get the chance". Look, this is the e-mail I sent because everyone is saying I put him on the spot. I think it is a pretty good e-mail considering the topic... maybe others disagree.... Hey, wanted to mention but didn't manage to bring it up! I'm always better on e-mail though that probably isn't a great thing. So, I think it is usually a good idea to go get tested before being with someone new. I know I need to do this because the last time I was not as careful as I normally am and I still worry about it sometimes. So, Hopefully you understand and you're down for a little field trip... =P. I'll look into places that do this. OK, well kind of a funky e-mail, but you're chill and prob dont mind. Definitely up for seeing Taken this week thanks for suggesting ESP. since I won't see you for a while otherwise! =(.
lovelorcet Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 So people actually demand to see paperwork? Been there done that... You can get the test results on paper and for this particular type of test it is very common. And to the OP... Ya, that was pretty crappy to do over email, under certain circumstances I would be annoying as well.
sb129 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 The email is fine- you are honest and not toooo direct (or pushy!) I had visions of something rather different. Personally, I would prefer the face to face approach, but an email like this wouldn't freak me out either.
sb129 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Having said that though OP- tread carefully with this one.
lovelorcet Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Hey, wanted to mention but didn't manage to bring it up! I'm always better on e-mail though that probably isn't a great thing. So, I think it is usually a good idea to go get tested before being with someone new. I know I need to do this because the last time I was not as careful as I normally am and I still worry about it sometimes. So, Hopefully you understand and you're down for a little field trip... =P. I'll look into places that do this. OK, well kind of a funky e-mail, but you're chill and prob dont mind. Definitely up for seeing Taken this week thanks for suggesting ESP. since I won't see you for a while otherwise! =(. Um... That is actually a pretty awful email. Not only are you putting him on the spot to go out and get tested but you have also added the wonderful image of some other dude going off on you. In all reality HIV is probably the least of your worries...
sb129 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Oh I get what you mean LL. Ok, OP I am backtracking again. I missed that key sentence. I wouldn't have said this... I know I need to do this because the last time I was not as careful as I normally am and I still worry about it sometimesNot good. You don't need to remind him that you have slept with other people before you have even slept with him! or this Hopefully you understand and you're down for a little field trip... =P. I'll look into places that do this. Mentioning it at all is difficult, but you have to trust him enough to do it for himself- you don't need to force him to go WITH you or to the place that you go. He is a big boy. Let him do it himself.
Okfine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I am glad someone else said it before I did, I was thinking the same thing Lovelocet (gees for a second there I had read and was typing "Lancelot" LOL) I think the email was actually pretty good but I do agree that mentioning how another dude got away with it and now you are coming down so hard on him might make him think "well what is she, making me pay for her carelessness of the past with some other dude who got a free ride?"
lovelorcet Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Yes exactly... All it takes is giving a few kisses and saying something like this: Hey I am really looking forward to being intimate with you but would feel a lot more comfortable if we both went out and got tested. Would you be cool with that?
lovelorcet Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I am glad someone else said it before I did, I was thinking the same thing Lovelocet (gees for a second there I had read and was typing "Lancelot" LOL) I think the email was actually pretty good but I do agree that mentioning how another dude got away with it and now you are coming down so hard on him might make him think "well what is she, making me pay for her carelessness of the past with some other dude who got a free ride?" Yup... that's how guys think ;-) I would take it as a smack in the face as well.
Author Okeydokey Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Ok, so he just called. Everything is fine. I appreciate all of the feedback and if I'm in the situation again, I'll definitely bring it up in person. In any case, probably a good thread to have started - it's a good reminder to make sure to bring this sort of thing up somehow.
Author Okeydokey Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 on the "not being as careful as I usually am" part of that e-mail that doesn't necessarily mean unprotected just means didn't get predecessor tested and regretting it now, but I guess you could read it in multiple ways... Plus, it seemed like a good way of saying it isn't just you that I'm worried about - both people in the p'ship should make sure to get tested so I'm going to do it too. But, this underlines the point that e-mail is not really the best format.
Okfine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 That's what we were trying to say, email leads to a lot of ???? and misinterpretations that cannot be answered right away and when it comes to a topic like this why add more tension to an already awkward situation? Glad it worked out though.
sb129 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Yes exactly... All it takes is giving a few kisses and saying something like this: Hey I am really looking forward to being intimate with you but would feel a lot more comfortable if we both went out and got tested. Would you be cool with that? I would have thought this was perfect- and easy enough to do in person.
carhill Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 In the decades before e-mail we just talked to each other and shared our test results. Seemed to work pretty good. I was always pro-active and just went to the lab myself. Medical stuff isn't rocket science
Okfine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You mean decade. Aids hasn't been around for that long. ;-)
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