Davidgarza Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Hello everyone this is my first time on this site. I am looking every where for answers and help. My wife wants to be seperated to see if she really loves me. She told me Thursday that she wanted to do this and I was like what? I decided to move out. Well I had a feeling that there must be someone else. I found out Sunday at about 3 in the morning that she was seeing a friend of ours that was married to. Once I found that out I told her that I had a one night stand on my birthday. She we got together when we were just 17. Now we are 29 and have a beautiful daughter. I life has revolved around her since the beginning and we never really spent time together. Then I picked up a second job as a bouncer at a night club. I needed the second job because my current job put me on salary. I have been doing that for 2 years now and I figured since I was supporting my family that it was good. This put a bigger strain on our family. I have been trying to talk to her but she says she wants to do everything on her on and evaluate the marriage and see if she still really in love with me. When I found her at the other guys house I was really upset, angry and all the feelings that come with it. I made a big scene about it. I want to work this marriage out. How do I cope with her wanting to be seperated? I just cant stand it and I want to call her every second and talk to her so that we can work this out. I am out of my mind right now and need some help. Can anyone give me advise on what to do?
Ronni_W Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Hi David. I'm sorry you're going through this -- it is difficult, I know. The thing is, if your wife does not wish to work with you to improve the marriage, then there is absolutely NOTHING that you can do, all by yourself, to make it work. It is unfortunate that she is with some other guy already because that will make it less likely for her to feel responsible to you, your daughter and the marital relationship. I'd suggest for you to decide how long you are willing to give her to figure things out -- 1 month, 3 months, whatever you have in you -- and let her know that if she is not home and in marriage counseling with you by that date then you WILL start divorce proceedings. And follow through on what you tell her. If she is not back by the date that you set, then that will be your CLEAR evidence that she is not coming back. In the meantime, the things that you have done and want to do will push her further away...like following her, making scenes, staying in constant contact, etc. I would not encourage you to do any of that because it won't help you get what you want. It is better to do nothing than to make a bad situation worse. Simply set your date by which you want her to make up her mind, let her know of your plan, and then wait for that date to roll around. Communicate ONLY about your daughter until that date. Don't get caught-up in scenes and drama. Don't keep calling, texting or emailing. You seem to clearly recognize that you were ignoring your wife, daughter and marriage while you were focusing on providing for your family. The balance is hard to find but it must be found *if* there is to be all-around happiness and contentment. If/when your wife indicates that she is ready to talk and to listen, I'd encourage you to tell her what you've already realized about your part in the marital breakdown, and how you intend to act in future. As well, remind her that you will BOTH learn more effective relationship skills from the marriage counselor. Hugs, and best of luck.
carhill Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 OP, first things first. Return to the marital home. You don't want to be accused of abandonment. If she wants to separate, she can leave and your daughter can remain with you. Get legal advice. Read the marriagebuilders site for some plans to recapture the marriage on equitable terms. My sympathies...
Author Davidgarza Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Hey Ronni I like your advice. Our wedding anniversary is on 5-28-05 and when we first met it was 5-31-97. Should I make it one of those days? I want to plan something for our anniversary like a trip to vegas to spark things up? but I dont know. I bought books on how to make a marriage work and even bought her some books to read. I am thinking If I chooe one of those dates it would be to soon let me know what any one out there thinks about it?
Ronni_W Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Actually, David, I think either of those dates will be good -- the goal is to give her a deadline by which to make her decision to get back into the marriage. Two+ weeks is fair enough, if you want to know sooner than later. If you do feel that you want to give her more time, that's up to you. But I'm not seeing 2 weeks as being unreasonable. Quite honestly, I'd be hesitant to go ahead and book any trips without her enthusiastic agreement. You can, of course, tell her that you'd like to plan such a trip, and ASK her if she wants you to go ahead. But if she says 'no', then just accept that and don't try to argue and manipulate her into it. Do not expect her to read any books that you give her -- she gets to make up her own mind as to if/what/when she is going to read, or do anything else about her relationship with you.
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