destiny64 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I just found this forum!! wow i desperately need advise. I was married first time at 17 yrs old had three children divorced at 28. I remarried at 30. I was all alone, no family, three young children and meet my current H. I wasnt madely in love but craved security and we got married. His daughter and my youngest were same age and we dotted on our four daughters. Two years ago the youngest both moved out and turned 18. And i had an affair. I know it was wrong, but i feel i was going through a mid life crisis. We have been married 13 years. I ended it and it hurt sooo much but i hated myself. Since then i have had another affair that i ended also. i came clean with my husband and after the shock he forgave me and wants me to stay. I think alot has to do with my awful childhood and he wants to 'take' care of me. So the problem is i feel as though this point in my life i want to be alone to start a new life. please dont judge me i know it is all wrong but feelings are hard to change. The reason i dont leave is my husband is wonderful to me and a good man and leaving him would break his heart. Hr doesnt drink, smoke, curse, etc. But it feels like living with my brother. We have no sex life and i feel trapped. he has no friends but his parents and me and we have nothing in common. All my friends say i would be a fool to leave, but i feel totally unfufilled. i receantly had a breakdown and was hospitalized with the guilt i feel. any advise please??
2sunny Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 i think you should leave him. in time - he will understand that this gives him a better chance of a woman that will place him as a priority in her life. your actions are not loving, a loving woman wouldn't be acting this way to a man she loves. your actions are selfishly driven. did you really end both affairs? i doubt it. as far as the excuse for a bad childhood... most people have a tough childhood - but that doesn't place them in a position to justify bad behavior, or to use that as an excuse to hurt the ones we love (not just once, but twice). you weren't sorry the first time you ended it or you wouldn't have done it again. you will do it again from here... just because you are making excuses as to why you deserve other men besides your husband. do yourself a favor. divorce him. do individual counseling so that you can get to the root of why you would continuously hurt the people who love you and justify the harm you have done. only after you turn ALL of it around to understand how to have a healthy relationship should you spend time with the opposite sex.
webmuse Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 The reason i dont leave is my husband is wonderful to me and a good man and leaving him would break his heart Trust me, you've already broken his heart.. read some of the posts(most of them!).. the posts of the people that are on the other end of that cheating game. Not too be insensitive.. but you have no business being married. Especially to a good man that is wonderful to you..let him go so he can find someone worth his time.
Author destiny64 Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 ouch!! but true and yes i ended both affairs. I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and therapist says it was during a manic mood i did these things. I also have a sex addiction due to child abuse. Excuses?? maybe but until my hospitalization i hated myself. i dont anymore but i agree, and i told him he deserves better. he says no. I was going to move out but he wants me to stay. i know i did wrong will it really be better for him?? i am ashamed.
lkjh Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I think you should stick your marriage out. I don't think your issues are your marraige, if you get divorced you won''t just bounce back. Get some help and work on yourself. Once you clear up a lot of your other issues then you can see if you want a divorce. Right now you seem all over the place and the last thing you should do is make a big decision while in your state. For the record I don't think there is any excuse for cheating. Child abuse does not justify cheating. Poor character is the cause of cheating
Jdw_Icequeen Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 They say life is to short to be unhappy.. You say he is a good man and has forgiven you. I am one to beleive people can change. I am currently getting my second divorce. In the first marriage I cheated. Now this one cheated on me. Judging you is a waste of time. I have never cheated on this husband I am with now. I cheated because I didn't feel desirable anymore. It wasn't the reason for the divorce he also wanted to stay with me. There were many dark problems in that relationship like physical abuse and MAJOR mental abuse. He had alot of anger issues. We are still friends till this day. Seems crazy. But we hang out have dinner together things of that sort. Most people have assumed in the past we would get back together. I have absolutly no romantic click with him and never will again. My advice to you is before you do anything think to yourself. Can this marriage be saved? Can we go to couples therapy? Maybe you guys could change your marriage and how you guys are together. It is very possible. If you don't feel like you can be faithful and you can't fix this relationship. You need to go. Don't hurt him any further. It isn't fair to him and even though you were not the "GOOD GIRL" in this marriage. I think everyone deserves happiness.
Recommended Posts