Time between wrong and apology?

[Phateless]

When I'm angry at someone, I spend the entire time being angry, from when they wronged me to when they apologize. I find myself holding people accountable for all the time I spent trying to get an apology out of them. Is this fair of me? Just wondering your thoughts.

 

Like if my friend dents my car, but doesn't apologize for a week, I will have a week's worth of anger for him, IN ADDITION to the anger of my dented car.

 

Just curious for some perspective.

 

In addition to thiis, if I get an apology for the banged car, I will still be angry at him for taking a week to apologize so it's hard to just accept an apology and let it go.

 

I am NOT talking about a car, it's just an example, so please nobody give me advice on cars.

[Star Gazer]

I think it's fair to expect an apology the moment the other realizes their wrongdoing. In the case of a dented car, they know they did it, they should apologize immediately. I don't blame you for harbouring resentment until the apology arrives, and even thereafter.

[Phateless]

I think it's fair to expect an apology the moment the other realizes their wrongdoing. In the case of a dented car, they know they did it, they should apologize immediately. I don't blame you for harbouring resentment until the apology arrives, and even thereafter.

 

Thanks, that's what I figured. Like in insurance, you get compensated for down-time while your car was in the shop in addition to the cost of the repair itself.

 

What about with relationships? Say she makes a mean comment which puts me in a bad mood, but she won't cop to it. Then I get distant, then she gets mad at me for being distant, and suddenly we're at each other's threats because she wants to talk about her feelings but I'm not done talking about mine. Etc...

 

It's like she's mad at me for being mad at her but I refuse to hear her feelings until mine have been dealt with because mine were hurt first.

[Star Gazer]

What about with relationships? Say she makes a mean comment which puts me in a bad mood, but she won't cop to it. Then I get distant, then she gets mad at me for being distant, and suddenly we're at each other's threats because she wants to talk about her feelings but I'm not done talking about mine. Etc...

 

How is she supposed to know it's her comment that put you in a mood?

 

It's like she's mad at me for being mad at her but I refuse to hear her feelings until mine have been dealt with because mine were hurt first.

 

That sounds very immature...on your part. Who cares whose feelings are hurt first? You sound like you're trying to one-up her, an "ah ha! gotcha!" sort of argument. That's lame. You're both mad NOW, and communication is a two-way street, a reciprocal exchange. If you hear her out on her concerns, it may explain a lot about why things happen to cause you to feel the way you do, and vice versa.

[2sure]

This is hindsight gained from my experience...and as such I dont expect you to follow it...yet it is something so valuable I wish I had realized it early:

 

By not forgiving, by carrying around anger ...it only costs YOU.

 

Its true. So, you have to ask yourslef when you have beeen slighted:

How much do I want to let this cost ME?

[Star Gazer]

This is hindsight gained from my experience...and as such I dont expect you to follow it...yet it is something so valuable I wish I had realized it early:

 

By not forgiving, by carrying around anger ...it only costs YOU.

 

Its true. So, you have to ask yourslef when you have beeen slighted:

How much do I want to let this cost ME?

 

This is good advice too.

 

Phate... when she realizes it, and apologizes, are you still wanting to hash out over and over and over again what she said and why it bothered you?

 

It doesn't sound like constructive communication to me.

 

If BF does something that bugs me, I tell him right then and there (if the timing is appropriate) and he immediately apologizes. He almost always understands why I felt the way I did in response to what he did/said, and acknowledges that, and in turn I let him have his chance to explain why he did/said what he did. It's almost always a simple miscommunication or something silly.

 

In essence, we both let go. It's not a power struggle, so don't make it one.

[Phateless]

How is she supposed to know it's her comment that put you in a mood?

 

Because I tell her right away. What gets me going is that she explains instead of apologizes, or apologizes and explains and immediately launches into her side.

 

You guys are all right about it costing me, and I know that consciously. Over time it just really irritates me if I feel like she made the first move yet it's MY responsibility to hear her out and put my feelings aside?

 

And yes, by the time I get an apology I find myself having a hard time letting it go because I'm furious that it was SOOOO much work to get that apology. It makes it hard for me to feel good about making it easy for her, NOT because I want to get her back or even the score, but because it feels unfair that I try to make it easy for her but she makes it difficult for me.

 

Does that make sense? I'm trying to find a way to stop this cycle.

[Star Gazer]

Because I tell her right away. What gets me going is that she explains instead of apologizes, or apologizes and explains and immediately launches into her side.

 

You tell her right away, and then she explains/apologizes. That sounds like a normal, healthy response to me.

 

You guys are all right about it costing me, and I know that consciously. Over time it just really irritates me if I feel like she made the first move yet it's MY responsibility to hear her out and put my feelings aside?

 

I'm confused - what exactly is the proposed alternative? That when she upsets you and you get mad and she apologizes, that she should be prohibited from explaining herself, and instead you just get to remind her over and over about her mistake?

 

That sounds flatly childish to me.

[Phateless]

You tell her right away, and then she explains/apologizes. That sounds like a normal, healthy response to me.

 

 

 

I'm confused - what exactly is the proposed alternative? That when she upsets you and you get mad and she apologizes, that she should be prohibited from explaining herself, and instead you just get to remind her over and over about her mistake?

 

That sounds flatly childish to me.

 

When I say explaining, I mean defending it, or "I'm sorry, BUT..."

 

Like, "why did you snap at me?"

"Cuz you're in my way!!"

"couldn't you have just said please move?"

"well you're blah blah blah"

 

etc...

[Star Gazer]

It would be helpful if you could provide an example so that we can tell whether or not her "I'm sorry, BUT...." was justified.

 

If you're being a complete a$$ and she does something that irks you in response, her explanation might be warranted.

[Star Gazer]

When I say explaining, I mean defending it, or "I'm sorry, BUT..."

 

Like, "why did you snap at me?"

"Cuz you're in my way!!"

"couldn't you have just said please move?"

"well you're blah blah blah"

 

etc...

 

Oh, sorry. My screen was open for a long time.

 

I see. If this is an example, why do you let her momentary snap get to you sooooooo much where you're walking around harbouring resentment? This little issue should be a momentary blip in the day. Then wait until everything's sunshine and roses, and speak with her in a calm, rational manner about how her snappiness makes you feel bad, and how you'd appreciate it if she treated you with more respect.

[Phateless]

If BF does something that bugs me, I tell him right then and there (if the timing is appropriate) and he immediately apologizes. He almost always understands why I felt the way I did in response to what he did/said, and acknowledges that, and in turn I let him have his chance to explain why he did/said what he did. It's almost always a simple miscommunication or something silly.

 

This is what I want to happen. What happens now is that she defends whatever it is that upset me instead of apologizing. The apology comes later, after we've argued for a bit, which irritates me, because my mood is shot by then.

 

If she immediately realizes and apologizes I let it go instantly, but often times it takes a while.

[TaraMaiden]

Two things:

Once, there were two monks, bound by vows of celibacy walking from one town to the next to visit the temple.They came to a fast-moving wide stream, and the bridge had broken.

A young woman was struggling to get across. Without hesitation, the older monk put the young woman on his back, and carried her across.

The young monk was aghast, horrified, angry.

Two hours down the road, he finally stopped and demanded:

How could you do such a thing? How very unskillful of you, how unwise! Have you forgotten your vows? Don't you think what you did was deplorable?"

The older monk turned and quietly replied:

"I put the woman down two hours ago... yet you are still carrying her."

 

Secondly:

If you maintain an angry mood and attitude towards someone, it is like picking up a flaming-hot coal to throw at them. You might get them and you might not.

In any case, either way - you always end up burning yourself first.....

[Phateless]

Two things:

Once, there were two monks, bound by vows of celibacy walking from one town to the next to visit the temple.They came to a fast-moving wide stream, and the bridge had broken.

A young woman was struggling to get across. Without hesitation, the older monk put the young woman on his back, and carried her across.

The young monk was aghast, horrified, angry.

Two hours down the road, he finally stopped and demanded:

How could you do such a thing? How very unskillful of you, how unwise! Have you forgotten your vows? Don't you think what you did was deplorable?"

The older monk turned and quietly replied:

"I put the woman down two hours ago... yet you are still carrying her."

 

Secondly:

If you maintain an angry mood and attitude towards someone, it is like picking up a flaming-hot coal to throw at them. You might get them and you might not.

In any case, either way - you always end up burning yourself first.....

 

Good advice, I love fables like that. It seems the general consensus here is that I need to chill the _ _ _ _ out and learn to let things go, something she's been telling me for months. I already know that about myself and I'm working on it.

 

What about the case where I still feel like I have to fight for recognition and an apology? I really do hate that part.

[Star Gazer]

Good advice, I love fables like that. It seems the general consensus here is that I need to chill the _ _ _ _ out and learn to let things go, something she's been telling me for months. I already know that about myself and I'm working on it.

 

Keep working on it.

 

What about the case where I still feel like I have to fight for recognition and an apology? I really do hate that part.

 

Example?

[Phateless]

Example?

 

She cuts me down in front of friends and when I bring it up she defends it instead of apologizing. Explains, rationalizes, makes a counter-point about something I did, but doesn't apologize until we argue about it for a while.

 

The problem is that the arguing makes me much more irritated so it's harder to just go back to being good by then. Even if I get my apology, my mood is changed and I need some space to settle down.

[Star Gazer]

How does she try to defend her actions in cutting you down in front of friends? I'd be very offended if an SO did that to me. You should always have each other's back.

[Phateless]

How does she try to defend her actions in cutting you down in front of friends? I'd be very offended if an SO did that to me. You should always have each other's back.

 

The example isn't the point, the tendency to defend when an apology is due is the point. I'm just not sure how to handle it. Letting it go sets a bad precedent because it sends the message that I don't mind the behavior.

[Star Gazer]

If you don't like the behavior, you need to communicate that to her. Seeing as (trying to) communicating that to her at the moment of the wrongdoing only seems to incite you more, I'd suggest waiting for a calmer, happy time to sit her down and let her know what's bothering you in a rational manner. Set your boundaries, and make them clear. If she continues to violate them, then it's on you for sticking around.

[TaraMaiden]

She cuts me down in front of friends and when I bring it up she defends it instead of apologizing. Explains, rationalizes, makes a counter-point about something I did, but doesn't apologize until we argue about it for a while.

 

The problem is that the arguing makes me much more irritated so it's harder to just go back to being good by then. Even if I get my apology, my mood is changed and I need some space to settle down.

Here we have the perfect example of Anger simply breeding more anger....

 

The only thing to overthrow anger, is a calm approach. it is impossible to retaliate against a peaceful approach.

Holding a grudge simply damages you more. It hurts, seethes and smoulders.

If something annoys/upsets you, the time to GENTLY challenge that, is as it happens.

My ex partner was very controlling and occasionally would say something in public - in front of others - which would demean or embarass me.

One day, quite gently, but seriously, I asked him (the instant he had said something) "why do you say things like that? Why are you being so disrespectful to me infront of others? It's very demeaning. Is that necessary?"

he did not know where to put himself, and became very defensive.

later, he reproached me for making HIM feel emabarassed.

"It is unpleasant isn't it?" I replied calmly. "Now you know exactly the feeling I get when you belittle me in public. Maybe next time you will think twice beofre saying something so thoughtless".

Then - I let it go.

He seethed for the rest of the day, but I behaved in a very calm manner and acted normally.

If he was going to be a resentful grouch, he could do it. I didn't have to either ascribe to the same mood, or let him bring me down.

 

Misery and anger are our own choices, believe it or not. We can actually choose whether to be angry, resentful and irritated for the rest of the day - or we can choose to enjoy our own company and let things slide.

 

Anger has its place. Anger need not be suppressed. But it should not be fed to perpetuate its existence.

 

Don't gloat over somebody's humiliation when you retaliate, by the way. This is just another form of 'competition' and one-upmanship.

Let things just go....

[Phateless]

Here we have the perfect example of Anger simply breeding more anger....

 

The only thing to overthrow anger, is a calm approach. it is impossible to retaliate against a peaceful approach.

Holding a grudge simply damages you more. It hurts, seethes and smoulders.

If something annoys/upsets you, the time to GENTLY challenge that, is as it happens.

My ex partner was very controlling and occasionally would say something in public - in front of others - which would demean or embarass me.

One day, quite gently, but seriously, I asked him (the instant he had said something) "why do you say things like that? Why are you being so disrespectful to me infront of others? It's very demeaning. Is that necessary?"

he did not know where to put himself, and became very defensive.

later, he reproached me for making HIM feel emabarassed.

"It is unpleasant isn't it?" I replied calmly. "Now you know exactly the feeling I get when you belittle me in public. Maybe next time you will think twice beofre saying something so thoughtless".

Then - I let it go.

He seethed for the rest of the day, but I behaved in a very calm manner and acted normally.

If he was going to be a resentful grouch, he could do it. I didn't have to either ascribe to the same mood, or let him bring me down.

 

Misery and anger are our own choices, believe it or not. We can actually choose whether to be angry, resentful and irritated for the rest of the day - or we can choose to enjoy our own company and let things slide.

 

Anger has its place. Anger need not be suppressed. But it should not be fed to perpetuate its existence.

 

Don't gloat over somebody's humiliation when you retaliate, by the way. This is just another form of 'competition' and one-upmanship.

Let things just go....

 

That's good advice, and I've been trying to do that, but it's very difficult. I used to be patient and calm and keep my cool no matter what, but I just can't control myself anymore. I'm so frustrated and this happens SOOO often that it feels like we're always doing this.

 

I know I need to take myself out of the equation and behave calmly and rationally and let her react however she wants. If she can't settle down, I guess I have my answer.