MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Before you say "run!" I want you to know, I have . But I m curious at this point because I've never come across something like this. I know you can't diagnose people yourself but this seems like really odd behavior. The night we met, halloween, from the moment he saw me, I was the only person at the party to him. It was almost annoying. He would not leave my side and would practically talk AT me instead of too me. I was unable to talk to anyone else that night. If I walked away, he would follow. I found it odd that he didn't read my behavior that maybe I didn't want THAT much attention. After that, he would call 4 to 8 times a day. Not even leaving me room to call back. Again, not gaging my reaction to it. On the day of our first date he called 4 times and made jokes about if I was going to cancel. We actually had a fun time and he seemed normal although he said he was 6 weeks of feeling ok after breaking up with his ex 18 months ago, with whom he has a 3 year old. Seemed odd. The next day I got up at 11am, he had already called and emailed. He said to please let him know if Id go out with him again so he didn't feel like a loser. I thoughtI should be so hard on him, maybe this was his way of being cute. We planned a date for the next sat but i had to cancel because I was going to dinner with a friend and her father. That day he said he drove by that restaurant where I'd be eating with the friend and said he "thought of me." which was borderline creepy. He kept up the attention until I thought "wow, I always go for guys who make no effort. I like how hard this guy is trying to win me" and started to really open up. As soon as that happend, he started backing up. fast forward 3 months, I was leaving town for 7 weeks and I asked where we stood. He said it was too soon to be commited. huh?? Fine. We kept in touch while I was gone. When I got back things started to get even weirder. First of all, he has never "gone down" on me ever (not to be gross). Which is frustrating. I asked him why and he said he hadn't done it in a long time and was shy, but come on, 6 months?! He will call, be all into it and then dissappear for several days. This push pull has been going on for weeks. He'll disappear and not return emails et, says he doesn't get them and then suddenly shows back up like nothing happend. I finally even said 'let's just be friends" and he claims he didn't get the email and dropped it. This is a 48 year old lawyer. He gets emails. I asked him about this push pull and he says it's depression and that he checks out, can't cope, no one understands et. He then asked to take me to a lovely dinner a few weeks ago for my birthday and somehow we spent the evening talking about him, and his problems, and his ex, and his upbringing which "stunted him' emotionally...blah blah blah. I really couln't deal so I've left him alone since but is this some sort of personality disorder? this me me me stuff? it's like he's totally oblivious to what someone else might be feeling or thinking about the situation. I've even TOLD him I hate being ignored or when he doesn't respond,so then he starts doing it even worse. If he's not into it, why won't he just go? I even gave him an out but saying let's just be friends! I don't understand this torterous push pull, it can't be fun for him either. I suppose he's either retarded and oblivious to the fact that I told him I hate it, or he knows and there is something he enjoys about using my achilles heal towards me. Either way it's gross...any ideas? I was wondering if he was a narcissit but he deosn't seem grandios...
paddington bear Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I read recently an extract from some dating guide book, about ambivalent men - and just to be clear, either sex can do the following, just that the book was about men...hang on, found the extract: The Man Who Plays Parlor Games probably grew up with a mother who was cold, distant, and rejecting-maybe even contemptuous toward him. There's a chance he was emotionally and/or physically abused as a child. Loving someone only brings up feelings of betrayal and pain in him. He feels more comfortable and less anxious keeping a firm boundary, almost like a fortress. However, being only human, he also craves intimacy despite his fears. So he handles his simultaneous anxiety and longing for closeness by manipulating a woman into experiencing his feelings. This process is known as projection. Projection means attributing one's feelings, thoughts, and fantasies onto another person, because feeling these things for oneself is uncomfortable and/or causes anxiety. So when a Man Who Plays Parlor Games acts seductive and flirtatious, and you're getting turned on by his attention, that is what he feels for you, and has gotten you to struggle with the same feelings he's trying not to deal with. He doesn't act on the messages he's sending you with his behavior because he's often not in touch with his own feelings. He's confusing and makes you feel as if he's playing games. from: http://www.enotalone.com/article/4724.html
BCCA Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 He sounds like he's still bitter about the last ex, and really isnt emotionally available to you. He just likes having someone ELSE to sleep with and listen to his garbage, but he really doesnt have it to be there for you. And anyone who isnt playing give/take when it comes to oral sex has no intetion of doing it. He's fine with you taking care of him, but not really interested in helping you out. I have to ask...this sounds like a book called 'how not to get a girl to go out with you'. If I acted like that, I would expect the girl to never want to see me, and get a restraining order. Why did you go out with him at all? I know hindsight is 20/20, Im just more curious than anything.
LoveLace Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I don't know, to me it just sounds like a really emotionally dependent person, self-consumed guy that has no ability to give back what he sucks out of you or other people. The depression does make sense...clinically depressed people do have a tendency to be all about ME ME ME....almost like the disorder prevents them from being aware of things around them...yet they want everyone or someone to be aware of them, for sure. People such as this usually struggle in the social department, and/or have trouble keeping good friendships & relationships. So when they find someone that lets them be clingy, they take it all the way...then appear 100% selfish when it's time to think of someone else. It sounds like he wants to be understood by you, though..or by someone, for that matter. Which is normal....however, it's blocking his ability to learn how to understand other people. It's the perfect example of someone who can't love others because they don't love themselves. Not to sound mean, but he doesn't love you, but rather loves whatever you have to offer him...open ears! So he IS into it, for that reason. That's why he wouldn't take the "out" you volunteered to him. The push-pull habit just sounds like a normal thing that guys do. He's not seeing the way he treats you as something that is disrespectful and something that has to change. Instead he still turns it around to be about himself, which locks you in longer and you remain unfulfilled. He's not addressing the real problem here, which is well, HIM. If you want to attempt saving the relationship, maybe start with saying you are glad to be here for him and you want to understand him, however you need the same from him in return, on equal terms.
Author MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Wow, thanks guys. I learned from all of these responses. He did tell me at the bday dinner (that felt more like HIS bday dinner) that his mom placed a lot of demands on him growing up because his dad was gone alot so he felt he was a replacment for that relationship and that he does things like disappearing to keep himself safe. Well,Yea. I suppose it works but how does one get over that. It's like saying, I like to kiss but kissing scares me so much I can never see the person again. And I haven't heard from him SINCE "his" haha bday dinner so I'm suppose to guess if that's depression, him feeling scared. Exhausting and dumb, that's why I gave up. To answer one of the questions, I was just listing the questionable things he does. On the plus side, he's a lot of fun, we took a trip together, he used to be really accountable. he's a GREAT dad and that's a turn on. He's also really handsome...
Author MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I read recently an extract from some dating guide book, about ambivalent men - and just to be clear, either sex can do the following, just that the book was about men...hang on, found the extract: The Man Who Plays Parlor Games probably grew up with a mother who was cold, distant, and rejecting-maybe even contemptuous toward him. There's a chance he was emotionally and/or physically abused as a child. Loving someone only brings up feelings of betrayal and pain in him. He feels more comfortable and less anxious keeping a firm boundary, almost like a fortress. However, being only human, he also craves intimacy despite his fears. So he handles his simultaneous anxiety and longing for closeness by manipulating a woman into experiencing his feelings. This process is known as projection. Projection means attributing one's feelings, thoughts, and fantasies onto another person, because feeling these things for oneself is uncomfortable and/or causes anxiety. So when a Man Who Plays Parlor Games acts seductive and flirtatious, and you're getting turned on by his attention, that is what he feels for you, and has gotten you to struggle with the same feelings he's trying not to deal with. He doesn't act on the messages he's sending you with his behavior because he's often not in touch with his own feelings. He's confusing and makes you feel as if he's playing games. from: http://www.enotalone.com/article/4724.html Love that. What's interesting is he ALWAYS accuses me of projecting. I finally told him I thought he was misusing the word because he was applying it to everything I was saying. Maybe he has been told before that he is projecting so he uses it with others. Again, projecting .
LoveLace Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Wow, thanks guys. I learned from all of these responses. He did tell me at the bday dinner (that felt more like HIS bday dinner) that his mom placed a lot of demands on him growing up because his dad was gone alot so he felt he was a replacment for that relationship and that he does things like disappearing to keep himself safe. Well,Yea. I suppose it works but how does one get over that. It's like saying, I like to kiss but kissing scares me so much I can never see the person again. And I haven't heard from him SINCE "his" haha bday dinner so I'm suppose to guess if that's depression, him feeling scared. Exhausting and dumb, that's why I gave up. To answer one of the questions, I was just listing the questionable things he does. On the plus side, he's a lot of fun, we took a trip together, he used to be really accountable. he's a GREAT dad and that's a turn on. He's also really handsome... Used to be...that's a problem... And it seems the more comfortable he gets with you, the more he uses his sob stories and other probs. as excuses for his behavior....the more accepting you are of his ordeals, the more they can be used to his advantage...he might not even knowingly do it, even a bigger problem, really...
jayOG Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Would you go as far as to say this person is eccentric? I don't know he might just be playing games with you and be a good person or bad... It's possible that he's just incredibly intelligent. Or there is the possibility he's retarded and oblivious like you said, but it will be one extreme. I've known some whacky attorneys, they are usually the best. Seriously though those genious type people will mess with you to no ends, gotta look for their heart though. If he's not that bright and suffers from emotional problems you might have some headaches down the road.
Author MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Ok, so i had finally had enough of the back and forth and wrote him this weekend saying that whatever this was, it needs to be considered over and we need to stop making silly plans, that I know he's having a tough time of things and if things change for him to let me know. Until then I'm here solely as a friend and if he needs an ear or a bad tennis partner. Was trying to be friendly but lay it down and then go NC, which I am now doing. I didn't lay out the whole NC thing, but will continue to act on it. Here is his response (that I won't respond to). Does it sound a little wierd, touchy feely and non sensical to anyone else?? I didn't reply and won't but would love thoughts of his email...what is "I'd reveal myself in this crazy way" suppose to mean? I really think he might be loopy... W- you are a great soul and deserve more than the situation I've delivered so far. You constantly surprise me with your wise insights and giving nature. I wish I'd been reciprocating on equal footing. Each corner I turn these days seems to present yet another obstacle to go through (mostly in my mind). Were I more open and trusting, I'd reveal myself in this crazy way. But why do so unless the payoff is joy and closeness (things I have trouble sustaining these days...) Like you, it's easier for me to write these things than blurt them out uncomfortably in an unnatural way. Oh well. Need to work on overcoming the discomfort. Tennis sounds like a healthy outlet. Your really cool and sexy. T
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Eccentric. Interesting cam profile Well, hopefully, he won't turn into a stalker...
Author MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 it does sound like he's letting me go though right? Does it not sound weird?
BCCA Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 You know what I think? I think he's a doofus. I seriously think he has no idea what pleasing a woman and being in a relationship are all about. I mean, his response was just weird. What is he even trying to say? That he knows he's being lame, but is cool with it, and tennis is fun? wtf I think you dodged a bullet. Man, this dude is a mess.
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 it does sound like he's letting me go though right? Does it not sound weird? Please clasp your hands in prayer
BCCA Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 Cahill, what's a cam profile? I think he was making a joke about the 'I'd reveal myself in this crazy way' part, as in a webcam site profile lol
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 It's a car joke. A cam is an eccentric device which operates the engine valves. Sometimes, when one posts so much on so many forums, they all start looking the same. (I build racing engines, amongst other boring things). Eccentric is also used to describe someone who exhibits odd or strange behavior, back in the days before mental illnesses and disorders were precisely named. So, I married the two together. BTW I was him at half his age. I'm just a little strange at 50
Author MissDumperUlv2h8 Posted May 20, 2009 Author Posted May 20, 2009 Ahhh, clever . So what do I do? Keep NC right? I'm half put off and half feeling sorry for him. Maybe he needs help, or medication... I had another boyfriend several years ago who did this rambling,non sensical talk thing. I wonder what that's about.
carhill Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 No clue about their issues. Were either or both of them extremely intelligent? Sometimes, when the mind operates at warp speed, strange things come out of the mouth. Also could be a ADHD permutation. Yeah, I'd just stay polite NC. Don't encourage him. When I went through that period, I would never have wanted a woman to suffer through being that uncomfortable around me. Sometimes it's better to be alone
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted May 20, 2009 Posted May 20, 2009 This guy is 48 years old and still not socialized? He won't change. Sounds like a whack job to me. I would put a LOT of distance between myself and him. Why are you trying to analyze him? I think you still have feelings, or at least you feel rejected and you are trying to figure out why. Well, life's short. I wouldn't waste time on this guy. BTW, the next time you meet a guy who calls you 4-8 times a day after first meeting (or...ever) , cut it off. These types usually fall into two categories. The first one is stalker. Never a good thing to have. The second one is the push-pull type, like this guy. Smothering you, then withdrawing, then repeating the cycle. These people have issues, and if it really bothers them they can talk to a counselor and figure it out. Problem is, they usually don't get that far.
Recommended Posts