likestolaugh Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 He even says he'll make me a painting. Now what kind of guy does that? I'm an artist and made a portrait of my gf for her b-day... if he follows through I'd say that's a strong sign in the positive. I hope he wasn't just "saying things" to make you feel frisky...
Island Girl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 You know, I hate all this crap about 'putting out on the first date' and so on. We may hate a lot of things but that doesn't change the truth of the matter. 'if you want him to fall for you, if you want a relationship don't put out for as long as possible' It's not that you don't put out for as long as possible. But really you shouldn't jump into bed with somebody unless you know them. And generally a couple of dates do not give the guy or the girl an idea of who it is they are really having sex with. Guys generally can disassociate from sex. They can enjoy the physical act without their emotions getting involved. Women generally involve emotions with sex. If a woman wants to get down in any kind of sexual way with a guy then she should realize that in itself does not mean interest in a relationship. However, this is not always the case for everyone, it is a generalisation, a mostly true generalisation, It is certainly a good rule to follow if you do not want a purely sexual relationship with a man. There are exceptions but you can not plan on being the exception. How many women come here and wonder if the guy really likes them, etc. because even though they have slept together the signs of a budding romance don't seem to be there. I don't always, sometimes we want to have sex with you guys as soon as possible too, but we're not allowed to and that's pretty annoying sometimes Women are allowed to. A woman can certainly jump right into bed with a guy if that is what she wants to do. She just should expect that it very well could be that is all it will ever be. If you make it out like you move fast with everyone, no one feels special. I dont make moves on women for a few dates for the same reason, even though Im usually holding myself back. Exactly. If a man really likes you then it never hurts to wait. On the flip side if he likes you and you do things like BJs on the second date -or sleep with him quickly - it could very well stop the chances of this becoming any more than a casual relationship.
Island Girl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I don't think giving him a bj was such a big problem, and he really didn't have a problem taking me home at all. No, he didn't. And he wouldn't. The remark was made: "You're great to take home, but he doesnt want to announce to the world that he's dating you." - BCCA That means he'll take you home, he'll fool around with you, etc. But when it comes to out in public he will shy away from kissing or hand holding, etc. Yes, I would understand it's more common for guys to assume if a girl gives a bj, it's possible that she's giving it to other's as well. But I have never given him the impression that I sleep around with people. Um. You kind of did. Or at least you gave him the impression that you may do that when you date a guy - BJs on the second date. I don't think he actually knows the real me. Of course he doesn't. He doesn't know the real you because you haven't had time to let him get to know the real you. Dating is supposed to be how you get to know each other. And as you get to know each other - if you still like that other person - the dates continue. THEN after a time you know he likes and cares for the real you. Because just like he doesn't know the real you - you don't know the real him either. That's why you wait to have sex with someone. So you KNOW who you are sleeping with/sucking off.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 So in response to everyone ( since I'm too lazy to quote each and every relevant sentence), the bj was done and over with. Why the need to continue to hold it against me? I'm open to SG, BCC, Padding, TBF, etc suggestions, but right now, there's really nothing I can do right? I realize there's alot of criticism about my actions, but right now, the only thing that I can do is to move on from it. So is everyone suggesting I stop seeing this guy? Is that the answer to everything? Or do I back the hell off of him and wait?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I'm an artist and made a portrait of my gf for her b-day... if he follows through I'd say that's a strong sign in the positive. I hope he wasn't just "saying things" to make you feel frisky... No, when I said he should paint a picture for me I was only half joking. I would not expect him to take his time doing anything of the sort for me.
BCCA Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Well, don't contact him. If/when he contacts you, play coy...let him ask you out. Now, the ONLY way you're going to be able to tell what he has in mind is by your next date. DO NOT go to his house, or have him come over, or do anything sexual with him at all. If his idea for your next date is going out to eat and see a movie, then great - but as soon as its done, say you have to go and see how he reacts. If he wants you to come see his art and have a bottle of wine next date...that's pretty transparant. His actions will tell you everything you need to know.
Okfine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Xpaper it sounds like you are feeling more emotional intimacy with him than he is with you. If you want to know where he stands pull back, pull way back. Do not call, text or email him and do not put yourself online to talk to him or take any form of initiation to contact him. "Dissapear" and sit tight and see if he comes to you and asks you out again. Don't approach him about the morning kisses, or lack there of, it's too soon to have an intimacy talk you have only seen each other three times. Go out and get to know each other on activity dates and spend less time at home where you can end up in bed.
BobSacamento Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Honestly, if I'm making dinner at my place...I'm looking to get lucky lol. He was probably disappointed. If it were me though, I'd give you the kiss.
Star Gazer Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 So in response to everyone ( since I'm too lazy to quote each and every relevant sentence), the bj was done and over with. Why the need to continue to hold it against me? I'm open to SG, BCC, Padding, TBF, etc suggestions, but right now, there's really nothing I can do right? I realize there's alot of criticism about my actions, but right now, the only thing that I can do is to move on from it. So is everyone suggesting I stop seeing this guy? Is that the answer to everything? Or do I back the hell off of him and wait? To answer your first question, quite frankly, YES. Your first impression cannot be changed. He's put you in the FWB category, and there's rarely a chance you'll get moved out of it. FWBs changing into real relationships are the exception, not the rule. So I'd move on and start fresh with this lesson in mind. Otherwise, you'll continue to see him (at his leisure), but always be anxious and insecure about where you stand with him.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Well, don't contact him. If/when he contacts you, play coy...let him ask you out. Now, the ONLY way you're going to be able to tell what he has in mind is by your next date. DO NOT go to his house, or have him come over, or do anything sexual with him at all. If his idea for your next date is going out to eat and see a movie, then great - but as soon as its done, say you have to go and see how he reacts. If he wants you to come see his art and have a bottle of wine next date...that's pretty transparant. His actions will tell you everything you need to know. Sunday was his idea. I didn't do a single thing. I hardly talk to him unless he's online, and he's always the first one to text. Alright gotcha, no dates back at his place.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Honestly, if I'm making dinner at my place...I'm looking to get lucky lol. He was probably disappointed. If it were me though, I'd give you the kiss. Bob no he wasn't. We actually had a great night. He just didn't kiss me goodbye that's all. That was the point of this thread.
Island Girl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Well, don't contact him. If/when he contacts you, play coy...let him ask you out. Now, the ONLY way you're going to be able to tell what he has in mind is by your next date. DO NOT go to his house, or have him come over, or do anything sexual with him at all. If his idea for your next date is going out to eat and see a movie, then great - but as soon as its done, say you have to go and see how he reacts. If he wants you to come see his art and have a bottle of wine next date...that's pretty transparant. His actions will tell you everything you need to know. I second all of this.
Star Gazer Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Bob no he wasn't. Are you a mind reader? Do you honestly believe that a guy who you already gave a blow job wasn't hoping for more? And didn't he get more, via "ice cream play"?? We actually had a great night. He just didn't kiss me goodbye that's all. That was the point of this thread. What WAS the point of starting this thread? Because you're certainly not listening to anyone.
Trialbyfire Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Well, don't contact him. If/when he contacts you, play coy...let him ask you out. Now, the ONLY way you're going to be able to tell what he has in mind is by your next date. DO NOT go to his house, or have him come over, or do anything sexual with him at all. If his idea for your next date is going out to eat and see a movie, then great - but as soon as its done, say you have to go and see how he reacts. If he wants you to come see his art and have a bottle of wine next date...that's pretty transparant. His actions will tell you everything you need to know.This is a good idea except if he asks you to go for a walk after the movie or dinner, that's okay too. Just stay away from his place so the two of you have the opportunity to get to know each other better and also lets him do a little work too.
BobSacamento Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Bob no he wasn't. We actually had a great night. He just didn't kiss me goodbye that's all. That was the point of this thread. Well since you used a question mark on the thread title I assumed you wanted some insight into perhaps why you didn't get that kiss goodbye.
tinklebell Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I agree with BCCA and Trialbyfire. You can't change what you've done so the best is just to wait and see what he comes up with next. Then you decide on your next course of action.
loser101 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I am going to state the obvious here: I think the problem with taking advice from people on a public forum is that many that dish out here are not the kind you would be socialising with in real life. So OP I know you post here a lot and chat with these guys a lot but don't let your present vulnerability cloud your judgement. The way I see it is that this guy has intimacy issues. I'm sure he is mature enough not to judge you for giving him a blow job on date 2. I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone but at this day and age if you judge a woman for sleeping with someone straight away, you are pretty out of touch with modern society and you are a touch parochial. I would never date a man knowingly that judges women for going after what they want and are proud of their sexuality. Back to OP: I know men like him and as a woman, I sometimes feel with certain men that I struggle to relax with them and takes a bit longer to gain that intimacy with them - even after sex. Not kissing good-bye is a little extreme form of that but I have seen it before and it happens. Relax. That's the way to make him relaxed as well. Let him come to you, that's good advice. Let him be himself and try to be yourself. Try not to analyse it too much, just chill
itsaimii Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Hey, Same thing happened me when I first started seeing my bf. I felt really hurt like he was just using me so I told him how I felt. I think some guys can be genuinely quite shy and awkward when it comes to these things - goodbyes in pubic especially. My bf has got loads better although he can still be shy if we are in public or around people he doesn't know/isn't comfortable with. SOmetimes he doesn't even say goodbye to his mates even - he'll just leave without saying anything to anyone. men can be useless. I guess you explain how you feel and see what happens. If you like him, take it slow - if nothing changes once you've spoken to him about it then it's time to decide if he is worth it or not. hope it helps.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I agree with BCCA and Trialbyfire. You can't change what you've done so the best is just to wait and see what he comes up with next. Then you decide on your next course of action. That's what I want to do. I mean I think the pace we're going at is great, we have fun without forcing any issues or hands. It's not like there was a time limit or anything. The only thing I was worried about was the lack of a kiss goodbye even though we have made out before.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I am going to state the obvious here: I think the problem with taking advice from people on a public forum is that many that dish out here are not the kind you would be socialising with in real life. So OP I know you post here a lot and chat with these guys a lot but don't let your present vulnerability cloud your judgement. The way I see it is that this guy has intimacy issues. I'm sure he is mature enough not to judge you for giving him a blow job on date 2. I don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone but at this day and age if you judge a woman for sleeping with someone straight away, you are pretty out of touch with modern society and you are a touch parochial. I would never date a man knowingly that judges women for going after what they want and are proud of their sexuality. Back to OP: I know men like him and as a woman, I sometimes feel with certain men that I struggle to relax with them and takes a bit longer to gain that intimacy with them - even after sex. Not kissing good-bye is a little extreme form of that but I have seen it before and it happens. Relax. That's the way to make him relaxed as well. Let him come to you, that's good advice. Let him be himself and try to be yourself. Try not to analyse it too much, just chill Thank you, i'm quite relaxed as is. He's the one who's been initiating and I haven't done a single thing, but everyone still assumes that I'm a FWB. I don't know what to think. I don't have a problem with anything that's occuring now, the dinners, the late-night snuggles, etc, I actually quite enjoy them. He can be intimate and he doesn't force me to do anything I don't want to do. We haven't even had sex. So I'm not worried that he's using me, like some people assume he's doing. Yes, the lack of a kiss goodbye does come off a bit weird, but I also think it's my fault for not being more receptive or being too timid sometimes. So I will work on that when I see him the next time around. I don't know how this thread got the way it has, but sometimes I realize people's opinions can take other's actions out of context.
Isolde Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Papercut, I think on this board people like to err on the side of being too pessimistic. If you can enjoy yourself without expectations of it being a serious relationship, more power to you. I think what most of us are saying is that it doesn't seem particularly likely that he's interested in a serious relationship, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen. While I normally don't advocate "making him come to you" after several dates have already been had, I think in this case it would give you a much clearer idea of his intentions. If you guys go out again, make sure to show him your interest through conversation and questions aimed to getting to know him better.
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Papercut, I think on this board people like to err on the side of being too pessimistic. If you can enjoy yourself without expectations of it being a serious relationship, more power to you. I think what most of us are saying is that it doesn't seem particularly likely that he's interested in a serious relationship, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen. Isolde, I haven't really thought about a relationship. I mean yes, there's the possibility of it becoming more, but I don't really think about what could be when I currently have what is. I think I'm more happy with my position right now than if I bother myself continuously with the thoughts of whether he wants something more. I can't even imagine the thought of what will happen once summer ends. We both have our own lives, he and his art, I and my college. And right now it's only because of this season that we've been brought together. We just enjoy each other's company. No more no less. It's only been 3 dates. I don't want to jump to conclusions. I don't want to be paranoid about someone because I have no reason to. I used to jump into things too quickly and I've seen the results it's gotten. So I'm actually quite happy. I realize that I have myself to work on but I'm the only one I can really change. I'll be more assertive and try not to hold back as much. And then maybe that kiss good bye will come.
dreamergrl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 But if you are happy with everything how it is, then why post?
Author xpaperxcutx Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 But if you are happy with everything how it is, then why post? I just wanted to ask if not getting a kiss good bye is normal. But then everyone brought up the bj and everything blew out of proportion.
Star Gazer Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 but everyone still assumes that I'm a FWB. Isolde, I haven't really thought about a relationship. I mean yes, there's the possibility of it becoming more, but I don't really think about what could be when I currently have what is. I think I'm more happy with my position right now than if I bother myself continuously with the thoughts of whether he wants something more. You're not in a relationship, and don't know if he wants more. That makes you friends, with benefits.
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