dont_understand Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Since my boyfriend of a year gave me an honest answer for our break-up, I have been NC. I am only on day 4 (7 days since the break up) and really struggling.... I am a single mother of a 5-year-old son. My son's father was extremely abusive and when our realtionship ended, I had been so battered and bruised that I considered myself "broken". However, and to my surprise, 6 months later I met a wonderful man. I could tell he was different and special from our very first conversation. He had never really had a long-term relationship before and I was still getting over the loss of my family unit, so we took things very, very slow. After dating very casually for 4 months, we started to see eachother more regularly and after 6 months of dating we had fallen in love and became "exclusive". Once this happened, I introduced him to my son and my family thinking that he would do the same - he didn't. I did meet his friends, but as for his family they were no where to be found! It started becoming troublesome to me and I questioned him about it. He said that he had every intention of introducing me to his family but was waiting for the "right time". He also assured me that they knew everything about me and couldn't wait for me to meet them.... Anyway, to make an even longer story, shorter....I finally met his parents in April after 11 months of dating....and now he's gone. He said that all the things he thought he could once handle, he realized he couldn't after I met his parents. That my "situation" was too much for him, even though I had asked him many times before how he felt about my being a single mother. He said he is so sorry for leading me on the way he has, but he is not ready for a relationship and sees no future for us....that he is immature and selfish, but after I met his parents and things became more real, he came to the realization that it was too much for him. I am devastated, and so is my son...this is the same man that told me that my "situation" isn't a situation at all...it makes me who I am and he loved everything about me. This is the same man that told me a month ago that the thought of me not being in his life makes him want to cry....I just don't understand. I am so heartbroken and mad at myself for allowing another guy to hurt me and my son. I just don't know how I will recover and trust another man ever again. I really thought he was "the One". I want to contact him, but my pride is holding me back. After all, it's not like I can change anything. My son will always be my son...and his father will always be in my life......I will always have this "baggage". Makes me wonder if there will ever be someone man enough to want to be with me.
VAmama Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Hey there Don't Understand.... I can sympathize. I too am a single mother, and was in an abusive relationship with the father. Got out, met someone a year later.... my son loved him like a father, we all went up to his parents place and spent Xmas together.... and then about 2 months after all that, he started getting cold feet. Said all the same things your ex told you too... Was uncomfortable about the idea of my son's father... couldn't deal with the situation, it all became too real to him.... this wasn't his intent when he got involved, he couldn't envision me not in his life.... And, more than a year after all that and a 4 month split, we are still going back and forth over it. Sometime I wish I had just let it go back when he first stated voicing hesitation.... It all comes down to fears basically. Nothing to do with you. You can be the greatest woman ever, your son can be completely adorable, but unless your man can get past his fears.... which can be related to commitment issues or whatnot.... just know it is nothing wrong with you, okay? I understand your doubts, but there is someone out there who will love us and our children unconditionally. Who will be mature enough to handle the situation. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the lack of maturity and selflessness of yor partner. It will be hard to trust, but you will know in time again when you are ready to risk that. You are worthy of love and it may not happen on the timetable you wish it would, it will happen for you in time. Keep posting; I know it has helped me in the past.
VAmama Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Oh.... and, one more thing to add. I dunno how old your guy is, but if he's past his late 20's and has never had a long-term relationship, that is very telling. He could be completely afraid of commitment. My ex, outside of a 5 year relationship that began in high school, never had a relationship that lasted more than a year, and of those that made it that far, a majority were long distance. This is a man who is in his mid 30's. So don't overlook his lack of relationship history..... he could be a guy that is commitmentphobic, which means again, it has nothing to do with you and everything about him and his reaction to his fears (running away.... afraid of getting tied down, loss of freedom, making a mistake, having unrealistic expectations about partners and the nature of relationships, etc).
Author dont_understand Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks VAmama for your response. I'm sorry that you've also had to go through a similar situation. It's hard to know that had my son not existed things may have turned out differently. I feel so lost with his abrupt change of heart. Below is the final e-mail he sent me....I am now on NC day 5 and just barely keeping it together. Dont_Understand, I made you promises and statements that i didn't know i could live up to. I told you i could handle your situation and i didn't even know that i could. I told you that i didn't care that your ex was in the picture when its something that weighed on me. Don't ever think you aren't good enough for anyone. I'm just not in a place where i can be in a relationship. A lot of what you said last night and the night before is the truth...i did delay you meeting my family maybe subconsciously....and now afterwards i did realize that this was becoming too real and that i didn't want it...I'm a scummy person for doing that...i didn't intend to do it but its what happened. You didn't create the way i am...i was always this way and i just didn't know it or didn't want to believe it. I'm so sorry that i hurt you...I'm so sorry that i led you on like this. Just being with me isn't enough...you deserve so much more, someone who wants to have a future with you not someone who doesn't. I wish that i could go back and spare you the pain I'm causing you now. I'm' sorry, its all i can keep saying...you don't need to ask for any forgiveness from me...i knew what i was getting into with your past, and i made myself believe i would handle it, and sadly i can't, and I've done nothing but hurt you further in the process. I will never regret being in a relationship with you....i would not trade our time for anything. I've just come to the horrible realization that i can't handle all the things i told you i could...I'm a liar , and a coward. You aren't wrong in being mad at me...you should be furious at me...i led you on, and now am just walking away. I wish i could change things but i can't...the way i feel is not going to change. I know you fully want to blame yourself for this. But the fact of the matter is i am in the wrong, i changed my mind, i made promises and statements that i couldn't keep. I let you down, i led you on and there is no excuse for it. I did allot of thinking too when i got home and today, and i danced around the issue, and its just that I cant handle all the things i said i could. All the times you asked me if it was too much i just automatically said no because i enjoyed being with you...i never actually took anytime to think if it was too much. It was a horrible thing to do, and i can never apologize enough to you. I'm so sorry, i hope that your experience with me doesn't turn you off from finding a MAN that deserves you. I'm not going to bother you anymore with emails or texts ....you don't need a constant reminder of me and its too hard for me to have you as a constant reminder of how my actions and selfishness have hurt a person so undeserving of that hurt. I truly hope that you get all the wonderful things you deserve in your life. Please one day forgive me. Goodbye
Tryng2Trust08 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Im sorry you are going through this..Im also a single mom that was in a very abusive(towards the end) marriage. Was cheated on and left with very young babies. It hurt like helll, so I know how had it is to put yourself into a new relationship and actually start building trust for another man. I do give your ex bf credit, he was honest with you, I know it sux but his email was honest that he couldnt deal with your situation. He came out and told you the reasons, and Im sorry but this is the best for you. You are doing the right thing, NC, just move on...Start by taking care of yourself and your son, who needs you the most right now, not this guy. Do things to build up your self esteem and maybe think of the good things the relationship did bring into your life. In time, you will meet the right guy and find happiness, and in time you are going to be able to trust someone again. Just dont rush into this, take care of yourself for now and let yourself heal from your abusive background and this relationship with your ex bf. Empty promises are soo hurtful, I can imagine the pain you are feeling right now..hang in there, in time things will get better for you.
Author dont_understand Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 I do give your ex bf credit, he was honest with you, I know it sux but his email was honest that he couldnt deal with your situation. He came out and told you the reasons, and Im sorry but this is the best for you. You are doing the right thing, NC, just move on...Start by taking care of yourself and your son, who needs you the most right now, not this guy. Do things to build up your self esteem and maybe think of the good things the relationship did bring into your life. In time, you will meet the right guy and find happiness, and in time you are going to be able to trust someone again. Just dont rush into this, take care of yourself for now and let yourself heal from your abusive background and this relationship with your ex bf. Empty promises are soo hurtful, I can imagine the pain you are feeling right now..hang in there, in time things will get better for you. Trying2Trust, thanks so much for your reply. I am on NC day 6 and I am so angry today!!!! I give him no credit! This was something we had discussed many times. He could have been honest with me sooner....I don't buy into this BS about never really thinking about it before. He said it himself...he knew what he was getting into with my past. How do you make yourself believe you can handle something without thinking about it? Did he just make himself believe he loved me to? Sure, we had disagreements and arguments, like every couple...mostly about him not wanting to introduce me to his family (says this is a BIG deal in his family and I respected that, but after almost a year when they live with you in YOUR HOUSE...come on!!!) which in turn caused me to feel inadequate and insecure. Needless to say I was questioning him about things and his intentions with me, and the only answer he could come up with was to walk away!!!!! Relationships have problems....he would know that if he had ever been in one before. He has completely unrealistic expectations of relationships. The worst part is that after the initial breakup, I did the whole crying, professing my love thing...only because he said we had been arguing too much and it just didn't feel right anymore. He gave me the classic "its not you, it's me...I just don't think I'm ready for a relationship"....so of course I was shocked and taken back by his very vague answer. I even sent him an e-mail blaming myself for making things go sour with my insecurtities. It was his fault I was insecure. He bought a house and moved his parents in and wouldn't invite me over even though he kept telling me he COULDN'T WAIT FOR ME TO MEET HIS PARENTS...HELLO...actions speak louder than words.....don't I have a right to feel insecure??????? I could just strangle him today. I am SO ASHAMED I tried to take all the blame and let my emotions get the best of me!!!! I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH PRIDE FOR THAT!!!! If I ever see that bastard again it will be too soon! I think he is a commitment phobe....he will die a lonely soul, and I feel sorry for the next woman who gets mixed up with him. HIS LOSS!!!!! *DEEP BREATHE*...that felt good
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