stillshocked Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Not sure if this is the right forum, but i need some advice from some opinions on how to handle my current separation. My wife and I have shared custody of the kids. My parents have always been very involved in helping us with the children and continue to do so now, even when it is on "her time" with the kids. Would it be right for me to ask them to stop? My wife left the marriage and wanted to be "independant". I feel that she needs to stand on her own to feet and develop her own support network and not rely on my family. For example my parents will pick up/drop kids off from school, etc. Is this selfish? My parents motivation is to be there for the kids, not her, but I still feel torn about this.
Ronni_W Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Only you can decide if it is "right" for you to influence (or try to influence) the children's relationship with their grandparents...and the grandparents' relationship with their grandkids and a parent of their grandkids. For what it's worth, it sounds as more like punitive action against your ex for leaving you, the kids and the marriage (under the guise of "helping" by forcing her to become more independent), but that will actually more negatively impact (punish) your own kids and parents. You already know that your heart-spirit-instinct feels will be the "right" thing for you, yes? Follow that...you can't go wrong if you follow your 'inner guidance system' -- it works better than the most technologically advanced GPS ever conceived
Author stillshocked Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Yes, it feels like a punitve action agains my ex, but then again, why should she not have to accept the consequences of her choices? ... the only reason my parents continue to help is becuase if they don't they see the children miss out on doing things. I don't want that either. At first they were not helping, but then heard from my son that he missed school because there was nobody available to take him... Maybe it would be more appropriate if I explained to the ex the situation so she knew that they were only doing it for the kids? Maybe that would entice her to "step up" a bit and start taking more responsibility for these parental duties on her own?
2sure Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Your son missed school because there was no one available to take him?? Certainly, this is a priority and would actually be negligent if not addressed ...by both parents! Whether or not you parents continue to provide some regular care to the children...there needs to be a back up plan. You do not seem to be looking for spite here...you simply want your ex to have to deal with the reality, the logistics, of her choice. Regardless of your reason - its a good thing for her to face. Have your folks tell her they are unavailable for one week coming up and be sure she comes with a back up plan to get the kids to school. I mean, what if something happens to your parents? Next - be advised: If your children have to enter some sort of child care like day care, before school or after : You will be financially responsibility for 50% of those costs. Be careful not to cut off your nose to spite your face.
Ronni_W Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 but then again, why should she not have to accept the consequences of her choices? If I was going through this, I'd also be asking myself, "Why should my children and parents face negative consequences for some other woman's choices?" Whether you speak with your ex or your parents, you are still wanting to manage/control/manipulate the situation for the exact same outcome -- it really doesn't matter with whom you have your conversation -- that doesn't get at the crux of the real issue, IMO. You're pissed off. That's understandable. You're pissed off and you want someone to pay. That's understandable, too. But your kids and parents didn't do anything to piss you off, so why does your "solution" also include the rest of them suffering? Cos really, all your ex will have to do is find someone else to pick-up the kids from school and whatever else, isn't it so? And that doesn't meet YOUR goal of her becoming more independent, responsible, a better parent or whatever else. And it does likely mean that your kids will miss out on the love and experiences that your parents have and want to share with them. Like I said, though: YOU get to decide this one. If you are intent on making her pay for her actions in this way, there's nothing and no one that is going to stop you, anyway.
sillyheart Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Wow, she sounds like an irresponsible parent! How'd she manage to get as much custody of the children? She sounds very neglectful.
Author stillshocked Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Thanks for your replies. Well, I think my parents are being taken advantage of. The only reason they do it is because they worry that the children will not be that well taken care of. They spend lots of quality time with the kids and honestly I think they have better things to do than be my ex's personal taxi when the kids need to go somewhere. I decided to contact my ex and simply told her that if she wants to be "independant", then in my view she should be looking after these responsibilities herself. I did not speak to my parents and will not ask them to stop anything they are doing. But at least my ex knows that I think that she is asking too much from my family and not doing her duties as a parent. So at least now she may not feel as comfortable with things and may prompt her to change her thinking. I see no reason why she can't get a taxi if they need to go somewhere and she isn't available.
Alan430 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Hey stillShocked, How are you holding up btw? Been what 4 months since you seperated? As far as the kids go, i understand how you feel. If your parents enjoy doing it to spend time with their grand children and being part of their lives, then dont ask them to stop. You will want your children to have your parents in their lives as much as possible early on so they can build healthy realtionships with them as they get older. Talk to your parents and ask them. If it is begining to bother them, then ask them to only help when its a necessary evil, such as work schedule or doctors appointments, etc. If your ex wants to neglect time with your children so she can go about getting her "its all about me" time, then let her. Step up, step in and be the awesome dad you sound like, let your folks be the kickass grandparents. The funny thing about children is they dont always remember the details but they always remember the bonds that are built at an early age.
Author stillshocked Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Hi Alan, I am doing well, thanks you asking. Yes 3 months now. I hesitated to go back to my old thread..why? Becuase yes, there was another man as everyone thought...and the whole time her reason to not work on the marriage was because she needed time to "herself" but now is with another guy! My ex still insists they are only friends, but all the evidence is there. They always say that your wife has three roles; wife, friend, mother. When we separated I understood the first was probably gone forever but clung to the other two. Friend is definately out the window now that I have been lied to and deceived and treated like garbage. So all that is left is "mother" and I am actually stuggling with that a bit right now too as she just seems so self-centered even when it comes to the kids. But hindsight is a beautiful thing...I am actually happy we are split...before I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I am dating now and am suprised at how many interested women I have to choose from.
Ronni_W Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 They always say that your wife has three roles; wife, friend, mother. So all that is left is "mother" and I am actually stuggling with that a bit stillshocked, maybe it would be helpful to break it down a bit further? As in: YOUR wife, YOUR friend, THEIR mother. I totally get the part that you're struggling with (now that you put it that way .) But the truth is that YOU do not have "mother" left. I know that craps out. It means that you have nothing left. I know that sucks BIG time. Hugs.
nittygritty Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 During the separation, I wouldn't recommend that you put a stop to your parents helping with the kids during your ex's time. Instead you should document everything that your ex is not doing for the kids when she has them and everything that you and your parents are having to do to insure that the kids are being properly taken care of (going to school, after school care, etc.) during her time. Your ex is demonstrating that she can't do a shared custody plan and it will set precedence in determining custody and visitation in your favor, if you should decide to go for either full custody or being named the primary caregiver in the permanent custody and visitation court order.
Alan430 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Hi Alan, I am doing well, thanks you asking. Yes 3 months now. I hesitated to go back to my old thread..why? Becuase yes, there was another man as everyone thought...and the whole time her reason to not work on the marriage was because she needed time to "herself" but now is with another guy! My ex still insists they are only friends, but all the evidence is there. They always say that your wife has three roles; wife, friend, mother. When we separated I understood the first was probably gone forever but clung to the other two. Friend is definately out the window now that I have been lied to and deceived and treated like garbage. So all that is left is "mother" and I am actually stuggling with that a bit right now too as she just seems so self-centered even when it comes to the kids. But hindsight is a beautiful thing...I am actually happy we are split...before I couldn't see the forest for the trees. I am dating now and am suprised at how many interested women I have to choose from. Man so great to hear. I havent started dating at all but then again im in a town where i really dont know anyone. Just be prepared to hit some slump times i know i did even after i thought it was all behind me. Good advice is to document when she can uphold her duties as a mom. There maybe a day that you realize she is not the best for your kids right now and you will want that ammunition.
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