soconfused1978 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I am the OW.. I wasnt aware of that until 10 months into the "relationship.." However, I still stayed.. I have allowed this man into my heart, very deeply. A situation went down 2 nites ago that I was always adiment that I would NEVER do, especially with him. A g/f of mine came in from out of town, we were all drinking and having a good time. This was his second time meeting her, mind you the first time was very brief. Well we ended up in my room, laughing and playing around. Well he and I were fondling around... she repeatedly wanted to leave the room.. I insisted that she stay. Long story short... we had a threesome. WELL... lets just say she refused to have intercourse with him, but he gave her oral... NOW.. I am stuck sitting here feeling so disgusted... well honestly I dont know what I'm feeling nor how to handle what I'm feeling. I have a hard enough time with our relationship anyway because he is married... I have wished for a long time that I had the strength and will power to just walk away but im so damn weak minded... I feel a sense of rage come up from my toes when I think of him doing oral on her... I dont know what to say to him, I dont make alot of eye contact with him right now. I'm thinking that I'm starting to see his true colors now... Is this gonna be what seperates us?? Someone please help me out here. Whether you've had this experience or not... please shed some kind of light.. Thanks
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 You allowed this to happen. Your friend wanted no part of this, yet you encouraged her to stay in the room. The drinking isn't an excuse. Anyway, this guy is a piece of work - Not only is he cheating on his wife with you, he's into 3-somes. You opened pandora's box - Now you need to deal with it. Think about ending this affair, it's going nowhere...It's fantasy and fun for your MM - Now he has TWO women, and his wife meeting all his needs...Why would he want to give that up? YOU have control here, so walk away before you get more hurt.
confusedinkansas Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 You said you "insisted" she stay. Did you think it wouldn't go any further than "Playing" around? Would you feel better if he would have had actual intercourse with her? Not sure I understand what is so upsetting about this?
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Not sure I understand what is so upsetting about this? Because of the drinking, she wasn't thinking..And now reality has set in, feelings are being felt. The jealously has reared it's ugly head.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 ..You reap what you sow. Your bad mistake was in staying when you found out you was the OW, you had the choice to leave and end it. but guess what? ...your still here destroying yourself, the only person you can control is yourself.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I am the OW.. I wasnt aware of that until 10 months into the "relationship.." However, I still stayed.. (. . .) A... she repeatedly wanted to leave the room.. I insisted that she stay. Long story short... we had a threesome. WELL... lets just say she refused to have intercourse with him, but he gave her oral... (. . .) I have a hard enough time with our relationship anyway because he is married... I have wished for a long time that I had the strength and will power to just walk away but im so damn weak minded... (. . .) I'm thinking that I'm starting to see his true colors now... Is this gonna be what seperates us?? That is very amusing.... you are starting to see his true colours now.... tell me... have you had a look at yours lately? This is not going to be what separates you, because actually it seems you do not care a fig that he is married, or that he is willing to throw his sex around. He is being grossly dishonest about his wife, and lying to her....and really, he has absolute zero respect for you at all. But then again, so do you. What really is it that you want?
wildsoul Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Your relationship with him will never be the same. I've been there done that with 3-ways (years ago) and learned that it's totally NOT for me. Learned it the hard way, like you are. They're difficult to negotiate as it is, and when there is NO prediscussion about it, it's usally the kiss of death to the relationship and also the friendship with the 3rd. If you were serious about him, and he was serious about you, then the 2 of you would have discussed this as a plan. You should have covered any reservations, put in any disclaimers about this being an experiment, or set limits about what each were "allowed" to do with the 3rd. Couples that have a longterm interest in each other, KNOW that the whole relationship is on the line over a 3-way gone wrong, and hence treat it gingerly. You made a huge mistake! Now it's impossible to put back in the box. You've established non-monagamy now. I've never seen it work in reverse, where you can go back to being "monogamous." I think the responsiblity was yours, as this was with your friend, but it's clear he didn't have concerns about losing your relationship over this either. It can be argued that you gave your FULL consent, in fact encouraged this, so he could reasonably assume you wanted it. I don't think your relationship can recover from this. Sorry. Why did you sabotage it this way? Drinking DOES impair judgement, so while I don't think that gives you a free pass, it might explain something. Your shadow side came out with the drinking. Does part of you feel compelled to prove you are sexually exciting to him? Are you trying to show him you are more sexually adventurous than his W? Because it doesn't really seem that you did this for your own pleasure. It sure isn't feeling good to you now.
jj33 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Youve gotten good advice here. The thing is at this point I think you have your answer as to what to do. Unless you want to have fun once in awhile with this man, there doesnt seem to be anything else there. Disappointing but its where you are and probably where you were with him all along even tho you didnt know it. It hurts but you will get past it in time.
bentnotbroken Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 For one minute think. What he did with you to his wife, he did to you with your friend. His true character has always been there. Because you say you were in love, you wouldn't face that truth. What exactly do you love so much about him? His integrity, his honesty maybe? What about his loyal nature or his commitment to covenants(contracts)? Is it how he makes the women he loves feel special? Is it his ability to make you feel safe and respected? Believe it or not, you probably feel just like his wife.
2sure Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 It seems you have proven to yourself, to him, and your friend just how far you will go for him. Your friend wanted to leave yet you, by your own description, nearly forced her to stay. You have reconciled yourself to staying even though you know he is married. And thats your decision ...but at ALL costs??
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Still the bottomline is, this guy is living out his fantasy..Having an OW (you) and experimenting by having 3-somes. I hope you end it, you deserve better and more, not table scraps from a MM. Sure you may "love" him, but what is it that you exactly love about him? He isn't going to leave his wife and kids..So, the choice is yours. Stay and put up with how things are (aka SETTLING) or, end it and heal, find a single guy who can offer you the world!
quankanne Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 hate to point this out, but where is your remorse over what you forced your friend to experience against her will? By omitting her from your post, other than the fact that you included her in an even she wanted no part of, you are showing YOUR true colors as her "friend." Your married lover shouldn't be ranked above this woman if she truly was a friend of yours ... just my two cents
Gamine Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Your relationship with him will never be the same. I've been there done that with 3-ways (years ago) and learned that it's totally NOT for me. Learned it the hard way, like you are. They're difficult to negotiate as it is, and when there is NO prediscussion about it, it's usally the kiss of death to the relationship and also the friendship with the 3rd. If you were serious about him, and he was serious about you, then the 2 of you would have discussed this as a plan. You should have covered any reservations, put in any disclaimers about this being an experiment, or set limits about what each were "allowed" to do with the 3rd. Couples that have a longterm interest in each other, KNOW that the whole relationship is on the line over a 3-way gone wrong, and hence treat it gingerly. You made a huge mistake! Now it's impossible to put back in the box. You've established non-monagamy now. I've never seen it work in reverse, where you can go back to being "monogamous." I think the responsiblity was yours, as this was with your friend, but it's clear he didn't have concerns about losing your relationship over this either. It can be argued that you gave your FULL consent, in fact encouraged this, so he could reasonably assume you wanted it. I don't think your relationship can recover from this. Sorry. Why did you sabotage it this way? Drinking DOES impair judgement, so while I don't think that gives you a free pass, it might explain something. Your shadow side came out with the drinking. Does part of you feel compelled to prove you are sexually exciting to him? Are you trying to show him you are more sexually adventurous than his W? Because it doesn't really seem that you did this for your own pleasure. It sure isn't feeling good to you now. I'm sorry but there was no monogamy. There was a three way and now it is a four way (or more if you are not the only OW in the picture). Firstly, he is not monogamous because he is married and is likely having a sexual relationship with is wife. So, you started with a three way... of sorts. Now, there is another woman in the mix. Making it a four way. How many ways must this play out for you to be open to seeing this relationship for what it may be from his point of view? If he were willing to be intimate with your friend there may exist the possibility that it goes beyond just this dynamic and that he may have been sexual with women you don't know about.
joybean72 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Wow...just wow! There's just ALL sorts of wrong going on here. I feel sorry for his wife & your "friend."
joybean72 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I was thinking the same thing Gamine. His wife should know so she can get tested for stds, as should you soconfused1978.
wildsoul Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 SERIOUSLY, this guy makes me sick! You're getting unneccessarily rough. Maybe you should stop reading this thread if it upsets you so.
Heather1 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Well....I guess just expect anything from the guy now?? I don't mean this in a bad way, but maybe he'll bring a friend along next time? I'd get tested for sure. If this is the first time any of you have done this, and he didn't even tell you he was married, it's not going to be his last. Maybe this is why he was attracted to you? I don't know, maybe the guy wants to be a swinger? You should find out.
Author soconfused1978 Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks for everyones input. I'm not sure what I "expected" was gonna go down the other nite, but its done and over with and im left to figure out what to do next. Trust me when I say that my g/f wasn't made to do anything against her will. She asked me several times if we wanted her to leave out of respect for me, to make sure I was alright with her participation. I know I have allowed myself to stay in a rotten relationship that was based on a bunch of lies... I have done, what I fear having done to me. Im by far, not proud of what i'm doing!!! I have to just try and move on without him, as hard as its going to be!!!! I have survived losing my 27 y/o husband to a fiery tractor trailer accident almost 5 years ago, I DAMN SURE CAN SURVIVE THIS!!!
joybean72 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Wildsoul with all due respect, I did not mean that to offend or come off as "rough"...I can only see a world of hurt coming soconfused1978's way. I highly doubt this is his first affair. He has already proven to be a liar & a typical cake eater that is putting both his wife's and girlfriend's health at risk. That's all.
wildsoul Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Wildsoul with all due respect, I did not mean that to offend or come off as "rough"...I can only see a world of hurt coming soconfused1978's way. I highly doubt this is his first affair. He has already proven to be a liar & a typical cake eater that is putting both his wife's and girlfriend's health at risk. That's all. I agree with you about the "world of hurt" on the horizon. However, I thought the "makes me sick" comment was too rough. There are ways to say things directly, yet kindly. [threadjack] I'm feeling defensive about the other OW's here because this forum has been overrun by rude/abusive posters lately, to the point that Tony has mentioned shutting it down. IMO, seems like some BS's want all OW's in general, and this forum in particular, shutdown.[/threadjack]
Heather1 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 We could both learn how to grieve instead of picking the path of self destruction. I'm not in the same boat, didn't lose a H, but I get it. Life is short, I can handle pain, what could be worse? Sounds like drinking is affecting some decisions too (not a judgement). It does seem like people can handle anything, but they really can't. Hopefully you have other supportive "friends" who can get you out of this & won't come over to join you. Just don't keep finding more pain....
NoIDidn't Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Wow...just, wow. I'm still reeling from the threesome and him doing the friend orally. I'm confused, why is it that you are upset? What suggestions are you looking for? It seems that you didn't initially have a problem with him fooling around with your friend, but felt rage when he actually *did* something to her. Why did you insist that she stay? It seems that she wasn't cool with what was happening and wanted to leave, but you "made" her stay. I'm guessing you are upset with MM and not with your friend. I'm having problems figuring this out, sorry.
NoIDidn't Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Okay, I reread it again. Threesomes should always be planned, IMO. I've never had one, but I gather the way to avoid most of the jealousy (that's totally normal human response) that will arise is to talk about it up front. I think your A is over. You are definitely seeing his true colors, but you saw them before when he didn't bother to tell you he was married. He doesn't respect you. He seems to just think that you are a great lay and adventurous sexually. If your hopes for this A is that he leaves his W and starts a LTR with you, I don't think its going to happen as he seems to see it as sex, sex, and more sex. Sorry you are hurting. It will feel better once he is out of your life, though. And I hope you have spoken with your friend. You and this MM greatly disrespected her wishes by making her take part in it, drinking or not.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 You and this MM greatly disrespected her wishes by making her take part in it' date=' drinking or not.[/quote'] Seems a little disingenuous. NID, you seem like a strong-willed person. Could someone "make" you take part in a threesome if it was not something you wanted to do ??? Although I have to admit I'm still trying to figure out how the OP is OK with her MM going home and sleeping with his wife but she's distraught that he slept with her GF... Mr. Lucky
NoIDidn't Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Seems a little disingenuous. NID, you seem like a strong-willed person. Could someone "make" you take part in a threesome if it was not something you wanted to do ??? Although I have to admit I'm still trying to figure out how the OP is OK with her MM going home and sleeping with his wife but she's distraught that he slept with her GF... Mr. Lucky It probably is a little disingenuous, as I am a very strong willed person. Noone can make me do ANYTHING. I mean that. Especially a threesome. It wouldn't happen if I didn't want it. And I wouldn't drink to the point that I wasn't able to make good decisions or drive myself out of that situation. But that's just the point, its not me that I'm talking about. Apparently her friend wasn't as strong as you think that I am. And probably felt coerced. I would feel horrible if I did that to a friend. And this man.....uggh! I can't think of anything nice to say about him given what he put his OW through. Here she is "loving' him and thinking he loves her back, and he's got her jumping through hoops to please him. A threesome is definitely jumping through hoops in my book. Noone should ever have to do that for love.
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