boogieboy Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Im in a situation that I've seen on here before. My ex girl is using me for security while she tries out a new guy. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. I think im on the backburner just in case it doesnt work out. She texts me once a week to ask how I am. I just now started to act too busy to text her back right away. (which angers her cuz it ruins her plan) Im not letting her use me to boost her ego anymore. She is starting to call me "baby" again in the texts to try to make me respond right away..I guess to make herself feel better. Maybe her new guys wasnt with her at the time. I still want her back tho. My questions are those who have done this are: 1.) have you ever gotten back with a guy who you used for security like this if it didnt work out with the new guy 2.) if it wasnt for security or an ego boost, why did you do it 3.) Island Girl said she did this even though she knew she would never get back with the guy, is this the way the thinking normally is? As much as I want to cut her off right completely now, I'd rather leave the door open just in case while im tryin to find a new gf.
carhill Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Novel idea.... keep the door closed to both her and a new girlfriend for now. Heal yourself and hang with friends.
cabarc1 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Yes! I did it with my ex, which i regret more than anything. He was my first bf and we were together for 5 years and engaged for 2. I loved him with all my heart and then the whole "is the grass greener?" concept started creeping on me. I had never known anything else and i just wanted to be free. He was devastated when i broke up with him and i kept talking to him even though i was hanging out with other guys. I honestly didn't realized that i was hurting him so bad, i had never been in that situation before, it was like a natural instinct to hold on to him as a security blanket. Now, at that time, i couldn't stand the idea of going back to him. I was enjoying my freedom. He wasn't perfect, nor was i...but it's the whole, not knowing that was making me stray away. I realized how much i loved him and had hurt him when he started seeing another girl 5 months later. Ur ex won't realized what she has until ur GONE!!! Whatever u do, don't give into her game!! If u honestly want to get back together, just let her realize what she lost first otherwise it's never going to click in her head, i promise you! U need to be completely seperated from her for a long time, i'm talking A LONG time. Even though my ex was seeing another girl, he never stopped buying me things, sending me texts here and there. I knew that he still loved me, but was scared of me because i had hurt him so bad. Till this day it kills me how bad i hurt him, but i really genuinely did not know. He ended up breaking up with that girl and came back but his feelings weren't the same We realized that so much damaged had occured during the last year and we had never truly seperated cause he had kept in contact with me. Point is, we realized that if we are ever to truly get back together, atleast a year or 2 has to go by in order for us to heal before we can. I don't know of any relationships working out when they get back together right away. Let her realize what she lost!
scootncash Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 carhill is absolutely right. You dont need to be her doormat. She's got problems that you cant fix, one is the insecurity to be able to be alone. I bet if you look in her past she's never spend much time being alone till she moves on to the next one. She is looking for something in you guys that she cant find. She's looking for someone to "complete her." She cant get what she wants until she realizes that it must come from within herself. She will continue to manipulate, bring on the sweetness, while she continues the hunt for her completeness. Meanwhile your a pawn in this never ending search. The best predictor of the ability to have a relationship with someone is their past. Unless she learns to get comfortable in her own skin and build up her own self esteem as well as being able to be on her own (alone) she will continue to do exactly what she's doing. You need time to be with yourself, yes hang out with your friends and family and really get to know you again. You cant help her, you cant change her, and no matter how much you love her you cant fix her. why would you want to continue to leave a door open to her? You already know exactly what she's doing to you. Step back and ask yourself if this is the love you've dreamed of having. Do you really want to spend an amazing amount of time and give your heart to someone who isnt capable of giving you what you need? Somehow when I look at it I know this isnt the unhealthy relationship I've been wanting to find. Leave the door open for incase.... incase what? that she'll start seeing you again and things will be "good" for a little while until she teeters to wanting to look for something else? Incase what, she decides someone suits her needs better than you? Incase what, you find out she's been seeing someone else all the while she's calling you baby and honey, and telling you she loves you? In case what, she destroys your self esteem, your heart? Im not trying to be harsh, Im just trying to let you know your leaving the door open for one huge heartache and a scar that could cost you the chance at a healthy loving genuine relationship. Are you hoping she will just unexplainably wake up and decide she loves herself and she loves you? Im not saying she's a bad person, Im just saying that she's incapable of loving someone because she cant even love herself. Please let her go. Great if she works on her and truly can display that she's comfortable being alone, that she's not dependent on someone else to make her happy, that she's able to bring a healthy unrestricted love to the table. You deserve to be happy, you deserve someone healthy, you deserve to be cherished for who you are, you deserve a relationship that doesnt require rescuing someone. Stop staying in this and leaving the door open "just in case." Your applying to same mistakes to the same relationship expecting a different result without changing anything. I wish you luck and I hope this helps you out to really think this thru and take some time for you. Scootncash
Author boogieboy Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 We didnt break up on a bad note, but she didnt break up with me for no reason, we had a crossroads when it came to future children. She knew she didnt have the choice if she was with me, and she was worried there would be a problem if I knocked her up. (At least thats what she said. Could have been a likely excuse and she could have just gotten bored with me) I have since assured her that I had a change of heart about future children, but it doesnt make a difference while shes with the new guy. Problem is I dont know her history. I dont know if she moves from guy to guy. The reason I want her back is because when shes in a relationship, she goes in 100%. She was very attentive, passionate. Shes very independent and she has her own house that she wanted me to move into. Shes a great gf when ur involved with her. Like I said, im better now, mostly healed. Two months went by and I just now found out how to handle her. I act unavailable to her now, but I dont have a replacement for her yet which I want, but it doesnt come easy for me. So I just want to know how many women actually returned to the guy after doing this backburner treatment.
scootncash Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I cant say that I have ever done this to anyone. I've always been respectful but more importantly honest with the guy. I always thought about the fact if some one did it to me how would I feel. So I never treated anyone unfairly. I may have broke up with a guy or two but I didnt play any games. Did I ever reconnect with an ex boyfriend, yes two and only friends but only after I took a lot of time healing me and getting myself put first. I have since assured her that I had a change of heart about future children, but it doesnt make a difference while shes with the new guy. Problem is I dont know her history. I dont know if she moves from guy to guy. The reason I want her back is because when shes in a relationship, she goes in 100%. She was very attentive, passionate. Shes very independent and she has her own house that she wanted me to move into. Shes a great gf when ur involved with her. Thats great that she has her own house and she's great when your involved with her, and she goes 100% in the relationship...but...its not so great when she decides she's not going to go 100% any longer and decides that committing to a relationship isnt what she wants any longer. No stability with that. You certainly cant write a future into someone who can only give 100% when they feel like it. Its got to be all the way through thick and thin through the good through the bad. Otherwise its just a tempoary fix to her deep problem. Like I said, im better now, mostly healed. Two months went by and I just now found out how to handle her. I act unavailable to her now, but I dont have a replacement for her yet which I want, but it doesnt come easy for me. Love should never be about how to handle someone. If I have to learn how to handle them instead of communicate with them and share our feelings and sides on an issue, then its not love. Why would you want to replace her? No one no matter how bad can be replaced. We are all unique good and bad. If you take the time to heal, which I dont really think 2 months is long enough, you'll end up happier and able to make better choices about who your willing to risk your heart and life with. Then you wont be replacing anyone, you'll be in a real relationship, with real happiness, real committment, and honest comfort.
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Yep. Done that plenty of times. 1.) have you ever gotten back with a guy who you used for security like this if it didnt work out with the new guy 2.) if it wasnt for security or an ego boost, why did you do it 3.) Island Girl said she did this even though she knew she would never get back with the guy, is this the way the thinking normally is? 1. Yes - I had an ex years ago and during one part of our relationship we broke things off and I was with someone new. The new guy didn't work out, and I went back to ol' reliable. 2. There wasn't any other reasons. It was nice to try something new, knowing that there was someone to catch me if I fell. 3. Usually, yes. People generally aren't strong enough to leave a relationship to be alone. They usually leave them to be with someone else. That's why you can put money on the fact that if someone calls a 'break' in a relationship that seems to be going ok, it is because there is someone else and they aren't ready to jump ship without knowing if where they are jumping to is secure.
Author boogieboy Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thats great that she has her own house and she's great when your involved with her, and she goes 100% in the relationship...but...its not so great when she decides she's not going to go 100% any longer and decides that committing to a relationship isnt what she wants any longer. No stability with that. You certainly cant write a future into someone who can only give 100% when they feel like it. Its got to be all the way through thick and thin through the good through the bad. Otherwise its just a tempoary fix to her deep problem. it wasnt all her fault. I did and said many things I shouldnt have which made her apprehensive to go all in. She was ready. Since I didnt go all in at the time.....well. This was only a 5 month thing, and love didnt even get a chance to bloom yet, and its mostly my fault, Thats why I'm hanging on, Its just hard to know whether or not she lost all her feelings for me or not. If I had done the right things from the get go, rather than bieng an ass, things would have been different.
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