somethingaboutmary Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Hi, I've been seeing a great guy for the past 3 months. Things are moving along nicely, we only see eachother at weekends so it still feels very new. There is just one problem.. His ex girfriend who he is BEST friends with. She is going out with someone else now but i feel uncomfortable with the situation. She calls him every day at least twice and texts frequently. They meet up and go for lunch/drinks/cinema etc. He doesn't tell me when he is meeting her and often when she calls his phone if I am there he won't answer and says he will call her back later. I've met her once and she was not very pleasant to me.. They were together for 2 years and broke up about a year ago. I guess i really want to know if she wants him back. What does anyone think? Is it normal to be that friendly with an ex?
Kamille Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Every situation is unique. I have a couple of friends who are still close friends with their exes, and I can assure you there is nothing going on. usually though, these girls understand that when someone new is the picture, they will be seeing less or their ex, and they have gone the extra mile to be nice to the new girl and to reassure her that they weren't after their man. My best friend is still very close with her ex. She doesn't call or text everyday - I think contact is at about twice a week. They hang out once a week, and the new girlfriend is always invited. If your situation makes you feel uncomfortable, then you should bring it up with him. Also, whether or not she is still holding a flame for him, what matters is how he handles it and how he treats you. Do you trust him? Do you feel like you're his priority? Do you think he could be more upfront about when he meets her?
Author somethingaboutmary Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I really don't know what to think. I know they were going out for 2 years but I haven't had the nerve to bring the subject up with him. I get the feeling that I am being compared to her. I might be just paranoid. The night i met her i was sober and they were all drinking and she made a point of letting me know that she knew him better, just saying and doing little things. Then when she was going she gave him a big hug and told him she loved him. I wonder if they love eachother so much then why are they not together. I just hope that I am not being used as a stop gap just because she is with someone new.. Things had been great but the last few weeks he hasn't really been as attentive or loving and in the bedroom department things have taken a little slide. Nothing is ever simple is it..
sotired Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 No it's not normal to be that friendly with an ex. Not saying that you have to hate them....but very few people can be close friends with someone they had a past sexual relationship with without crossing the line at some point. I wouldn't be comfortable with that at all. Especially since he doesn't even call you when he's around her.....I don't think it's one sided either...He is just as into her as she is him.
playlislay Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 This is a HARD one! I am friends with all of my exes, except for my most recent one who I dont think I could ever be friends with in fear of falling for him again. One ex I really get on well with, but I have no intentions what so ever to get back with him-ever! If he lived closer then I guess we would hang out, he is a cool dude but the love wasnt strong enough. My ex husband.........we just didnt work, but we still get on great. I dont really see him much anymore but would be happy to help him out if he needed it. My most recent ex used to hang out and go to gigs with each other. He was sneaky about it at first as he saw my ex's as a threat and thought I would mind. But I didnt. I dont know how often they saw each other and I was jealous that I didnt share the same taste of music as 'them' as I would have liked to have experienced his happiness (he has a passion for music ). It wasnt until me and him split up and he kept hanging around with his ex that it got to me. Even on my birthday he chose to sit with her and avoid saying anything to me-that hurt like hell. ( Anyhow, I dont know what you should do. I guess I would be jealous with daily contact, but you have to see it as if they really wanted to be back together as a couple then they would have ddone it by now? Good luck hun xx
Author somethingaboutmary Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I guess i just feel like i am living in her shadow and that he wants me to be more like her (the 2 of them share a huge passion for music too).. I don't want to make an issue out of it with him because then it will become an issue you know? Anyway, i thought that she would sort of fade away once me and him got serious but now i'm not sure that is gonna happen. Other things are not right either, sex for one.. He doesn't seem to have any sex drive.. Another thing that makes me think he's just not that into me and i am a stop gap for him
Kamille Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I guess i just feel like i am living in her shadow and that he wants me to be more like her (the 2 of them share a huge passion for music too).. I don't want to make an issue out of it with him because then it will become an issue you know? Anyway, i thought that she would sort of fade away once me and him got serious but now i'm not sure that is gonna happen. Other things are not right either, sex for one.. He doesn't seem to have any sex drive.. Another thing that makes me think he's just not that into me and i am a stop gap for him It seems to me like you're projecting other more significant issues onto this one. The main issues have very little to do with this woman and a lot to do with the fact that this relationship isn't provinding you what you need. It worries me that you feel like you can't bring things up with him, without them becoming issues. Seriously, that more then anything makes it sound like you're fighting a losing battle. Or rather, like you don't even want to try to work things out. Speak up! You might not like what you'll hear, but at least you will both know what's going on. And you will be better equiped to make the right decision for yourself.
dreamergrl Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I also think you need to speak up and let him know what's on your mind. Nothing will get resolved without communication. Like Kamille said, you may not like the answer or the outcome, but isn't that better then just not knowing? Also, I'm wondering, have you had the talk about being exclusive? You mentioned that everything felt still new.
Author somethingaboutmary Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I will talk to him about it, i just didn't want to be having talks so early. We have discussed exclusivity and we both agreed that we are exclusive. Thanks for your opinions, i guess i will talk to him this week.. fingers crossed, i really like this one.
Kamille Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I will talk to him about it, i just didn't want to be having talks so early. We have discussed exclusivity and we both agreed that we are exclusive. Thanks for your opinions, i guess i will talk to him this week.. fingers crossed, i really like this one. Well there are ways to bring things up so that it doesn't feel so "we need to talk". when something's on my mind, I try to bring it up as soon as I can, before it gets too complicated in my own mind. I tell myself that both my interlocutor and I will want the best outcome possible. I try to present things in a positive, let's make this better, light. I focus on finding solutions. I say what's on my mind, and then I do my best to listen to their answer. I recommand not getting defensive, and not trying to justify your impressions. Example: "I feel that your ex and you are very close and, to be honest, it sometimes makes me feel insecure." Then listen to his answers. don't give examples of times when he put her ahead of you, and don't fele you have to defend yourself. This is how the situation makes you feel, so you are legitimate in voicing your concerns. Try, as best as you can, to use the sentence "I understand" after he responds to your statement. One conversation will not solve all your problems, but it will help you clarify things. So, once you've reached a point where you feel either 1) reassured or 2)like things are getting out of hand and nothing is getting solved, drop the subject. Either thank him or tell him you need more time to think about things.
missdependant Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Are you upset because his best friend is somene ofthe opposite sex? My ex used o hang out with his girlfriend and cheated on me with her, so idk.. my feelings aren't that great on the subject. On the other hand, my two best friends from high school are best friends (male and female) and have been for a long time. They dated their senior year in high school; their entire family is friends with each other (their parents, siblings, etc.) and they have been friends since they were freshman in high school (we're all now graduating from college). They are not mean to each other's bf/gf and are very honest and open with their friendship. Their SO's are both understanding about it, but then again they don't give them ANY reason to be suspicious of each other. They're like family friends. This is one situation I would be alright with. Also, none of us view them as each other's ex. Their relationship more resembles that of a brother and sister than it does ex-relationship. But if it's just some girl he's best friends with, that has an attitude toward you I'd bring it up. And I'd NEVER put up with it or trust her to be alone with my boyfriend.
paddington bear Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I read a reply to an agony aunt column question recently. The ex girlfriend of a man who was getting married soon. She was feeling left out and said something along the lines of 'I mean he's my best friend'. The agony uncle replied 'NO, his wife to be is his best friend'. And that hit home for me. You, as his girlfriend should be his best friend, his confidant. I wonder how your guy's ex's boyfriend feels about her ringing and seeing your boyfriend all the time. That would be interesting to hear, I wonder is he happy about it. A friend of mine had a child very young with this guy. The split but remained on good terms. She much later in life met someone else, lives with him and so on. She told me that after years of her ex turning up for the child's birthdays, for Christmas and so on, and her going over and chatting to him and laughing and sharing jokes that her boyfriend finally said 'look, you're making me feel really terrible, I'm supposed to be your boyfriend and you spend all your time acting intimately with your ex, you're making me look stupid and making me feel bad' and she thought about it and realised that he was right and made the effort to 'stand by her man' for want of a better phrase. I think the fact that she calls him and he doesn't take the call in front of you is a bad sign. I think the other posters who are friends with their ex's are friends in a different way, the occasional call, I'd help out if he needed me, it's not that intense 'we share everything and need to communicate all the time' way. Calling every day, sending text messages every day, meeting every week, personally I think that's too much, not if it was a best male friend, but an ex girlfriend...no, too much. I would also ignore the fact that she has a boyfriend, in the scheme of things, that means nothing. At the end of the day, this is upsetting you and it's a really tough situation, no one wants to end up with the 'it's her or me' ultimatum. You have to decide if this is a deal-breaker for you, if it is, then it is. You can simply say to him 'look I'm feeling really uncomfortable with how close you are with your ex and I'm not the kind of girl who wants to share her boyfriend with some other woman'. Don't explain beyond this, ball is in his court, you're not asking him to drop her, you're telling him that this situation as it stands is not for you, then it's up to him whether he values you enough to change things and let's hope that's the wake up call he needs. Let us know what happens, I really feel for you, it's such a difficult position to be in and I hope it works out ok for you.
tigressA Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I was in this situation before, and I wouldn't take it. Turned out I was right not to--even though my ex didn't cheat on me with his ex, he still had deep feelings for her and I had just been a cover in order to fool his friends because they were concerned about him. I don't think it's normal that your BF and his ex get together so much. It's a red flag that he doesn't answer his phone in front of you when she calls--what could they have to say to each other that couldn't be said in front of you? And he doesn't tell you when he's meeting her? He should be open with you about that. She wasn't pleasant to you when you met, insinuated that she knows him better, etc? Not a cool move. That, as well as all the phone calls/texts coming from her to your BF, to me says that she's still got some kind of thing for him. You definitely need to tell your BF that you're bothered by all this. If he really cares about you, he'll at least listen to you and maybe try to strike a compromise you can both be happy with.
nemo28 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I've been in this situation before and you really need to talk to him and explain how you feel
Lishy Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 No, it's not right! Talk to him or better still, talk to her! You will get the truth but I dont think it will be nice Men!!
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