now_what Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Maybe you've read my other posts about my husband leaving me for a biker chick and getting remarried without telling our children. I was nosing around online - ok I admit it - trying to find out some information about my children's apparent "stepmother" and I discovered a few interesting things - one she has been arrested for disorderly conduct a couple of times - when she was in her late forties - she is 55 now. Also, she has been married three times before. Also found out something about my ex that scares me - he was arrested last December for having a loaded firearm in a car while he was impaired. What the hell was he doing? The arresting officer was with the department of natural resources and my ex did mention he went hunting for the first time - wonder if they were out in the woods drinking and hunting - he is just not thinking clearly. I just have a bad feeling about all of this. Drinking seems to be high on their list of priorities. His drinking did cause problems in our marriage until he got arrested for drunk driving - which sobered him up real quickly. After that our relationship was very good, but I noticed since he started "riding" he also started drinking again. I don't think I want the new wife around my daughter much and I hope my ex will not be drinking and taking risks. No matter how unhappy I am with him, I don't want my children to be without a dad.
Ronni_W Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Since he hasn't even mentioned his new wife to the kids, chances of them getting to know her by spending time with her isn't very high for the next little while. When it does happen, though, I'd suggest to possibly allow your 16-y/o to choose for herself if/when/how she spends time with them. I'm sure my mom had the same desire for her kids to not be without a dad. But. My dad died anyway. I was 13 and my brother, younger. My dad did not engage in risky/self-destructive behaviour. But he died, anyway. It wasn't within my mom's power for things to be different, about that. Possibly the best thing you can do for all your kids is just continue to be a positive role-model and stable presence in their lives. A fear might be that, if they feel as if they are being pressured to take one side or the other, then they might accurately assess whomever they perceive is doing the pressuring. Your "nosing around", as you call it, is understandable but does not seem to be supporting your own happiness and peace of mind. In that sense, it is also self-destructive, no?
2sunny Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 i'm sorry to point this out - but your threads seem intent on controlling him and his life with his assumed "new wife." granted - if what you are saying is true, he is making poor choices, but you aren't married anymore. how old are your kids? maybe they don't "have" to go with him. but either way - you can most likely specify these guidlelines if you have visitation restricted through the court system. for you to blame her for his actions isn't realistic. he's a big boy and responsible for himself. ultimately, you need to come to grips with the fact that you can't control his life. let it go. if he's making decisions that may put your kids at risk - then be sure and keep them safe. while doing this there is no reason to talk badly about him to the kids... that only hurts their feelings to hear anything unkind about any parent. don't do it.
hopesndreams Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Like others have said...leave him to it. He is not your problem anymore and neither is she. The kids you have aren't little so there is no point in worrying about him and his problems. The less you know about his activities the better. It only stimulates your mind even more thinking about his actions and possible consequences---he needs to be eradicated from your mind. You will not get better if you continue to put yourself through this. You want to get better right? Be in less pain? The ONLY way to accomplish this is to not think about him, not think about his biker chick, and not think about him and of course, not think about him!!!! Yeah, it's difficult, seems impossible some days but try for an hour at a time and work your way up to the whole dang day. He's an idiot. We all know this. We all struggle with the same thing on these boards which is doing our best to get over the heartbreak and moving on with life. He doesn't deserve your time. He's not worth thinking about.
Author now_what Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I know I can't control him and I should stop thinking about him. But after being with him so long and having all this thrown at me so suddenly I'm having a hard time. I had come to terms with things, but once our dissolution was final it seems like emotions got stirred up again in a way I never dreamed of. Then, I started to feel lonely thinking I am alone and "she" whoever she may be has MY husband. Our life was not perfect but I thought we had it pretty good - until he bought his motorcycle, then he may as well have been abducted by aliens. It just hurts so much for him to leave me for someone entirely different from me and give up his home and family to live in a little podunk town, 80 miles one way from his job in a little rundown house with a woman he claims he had only known for two months at the time. Was I that terrible? Why was being with me and our daughter and near the other kids and grandkids not enough? And why was he the one to change things, when I was the one who was not happy and being mistreated emotionally by him - I was still where I was supposed to be taking care of him and trying to make him happy - but was met with rudeness and indifference. I wanted to work on the marriage, he just decided to create a new life for himself. I did tell him to figure out what he wanted in life - I didn't tell him to go search for a new life, like that made it ok to go find someone else to be with while we were still married. My younger daughter did get to meet the new wife (although she was not introduced as such) briefly after her concert on Friday and she seemed happy that her dad finally stopped hiding the fact that this woman exists. I told her it was a little awkward for me, but I was happy that her dad was finally sharing a bit of his life with her - which is what she wanted (and me too).
Ronni_W Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Now what, No...there is absolutely nothing "wrong" with you or the life that you built with him. I know it is difficult, if not impossible, not to take such an experience very personally and turn it into a "fault of your being". It IS personal, of course. Your fear and pain and loneliness and loss and grieving are VERY personal. But his actions are about him...about him following his own "inner calling" as best he can, and to the best of his interpretation of what it was/is telling him he ought to be doing at this time in his life. He may not totally understand it himself, and certainly it is not for you to understand. It is HIS very personal path/journey. Any comparison to who you thought he was and what he wanted versus who he is currently demonstrating he is and what he wants...well, it's apples and oranges, isn't it? They simply ought not be compared. You will drive yourself completely out of peace and harmony if you make comparisons/judgments about his "old" and his "new" ways of being, doing and having in his life. I was pleased to see that you have gone deeper into your own fears and pain, than just making it all out to be that you are concerned about the kids. Of course you are concerned about your Self, too. You deserve to be considered and comforted. Your self-care is important for you to be able to function well in your own life, and be that positive role-model for the kids. I would suggest a counselor, someone who specializes in separation/divorce will also have additional insight into dealing with the grief of the loss of your old dreams and visions. These are significant losses. You deserve to have the very best professional guidance and support that is possible for you. I'd also suggest to lean on your trusted, adult friends -- I strongly suspect that they will want to be there for you (within whatever limits of their own knowledge, skills, resources and other obligations.) If you can simply continue to hold their dad in the best possible light, the kids will soon enough come to their own realizations and make their own choices. Wishing you strength, wisdom, guidance and comfort through this very difficult phase.
Author now_what Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks to all for the comments and I am trying to not think about him and what he is doing - but the rejection has hit me hard I'm afraid. And yes, I am a bit of a control freak - but I think it's just because I was always the one who handled things and made the decisions in the family for the most part - my ex pretty much left everything up to me, because it was easier for him that way and he assumed I knew what I was doing. But, this is one thing I can't control and is out of my control and it pushes me out of my comfort zone. So we have someone who NEVER took control of anything who suddenly starts taking control and pulled the rug out from under me. If I stop and analyze things a bit I think he thought he was doing me a favor by leaving since I was so unhappy with him. - he said he wanted to stop hurting me and our daughter. He knew that I would be ok, that I could take care of myself - maybe I'm too independent. While he was doing his thing "on the bike" I was doing my thing too, but "my thing" always involved the family and I always asked him to join us which he did once in a while. He never asked me to join into his activities which became all consuming for him. I am seeing a counselor and she said a situation like this is so difficult because part of your identity is suddenly ripped away - being a wife - and you have to work to redefine your life. She thinks my ex had/is having a major midlife crisis. The counselor talks to both me and my daughter separately. She mentioned that this was the worst possible time my ex could have done this - because my daughter is at an age where she may be interested in dating and forming relationships. Seeing that someone (her dad) could so easily leave me after so long (and her) could cause relationship issues for her. I think she will be ok though, she has lots of friends both female and male - she has not shown any real interest in dating, they do stuff in groups - but I think if she was interested in someone she would accept that person for who they are and not assume that at some point they would just take off. Thanks again to everyone for the comments.
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