alwayslookingup Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Today I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend and enter into a LDR. We have been together for the past couple months and went to the same university so we got to spend almost everyday together and every night. He is transferring to another school closer to home for next year due to money issues so he will be 10+ hours away from now on. I have never felt so sad before in my life and my heart feels like it has been broken. I know that he loves me a lot but I am having trouble emotionally coping. I am horrible at adapting to changes...especially something like this. I have been used to always having him around and now I don't. I have no idea when I am going to see him again or how long we will be in this LDR. We have a pretty serious relationship and want to stay together as long as we can make it work out for the best. I would really like to hear some stories about how you felt right at the beginning of your LDR. This feels like the hardest thing in the world to me and it would be great to talk to some others about what they felt. Will it ever get any easier?
Island Girl Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 We were in person in the beginning like you guys. We had done the whole dating thing and were living together when we went long distance. And, although we did have a set time that we'd see each other next, we didn't have any idea when the distance was supposed to be over. It was really, really hard at first. The adjustment was difficult. We talked all the time and we wrote letters all the time. The snail mail kind. And I wrote pages and pages of what I was thinking and how I was feeling. It was great therapy - it whittled away the time - and he got to know me in a way that he previously hadn't. We stayed together day after day and month after month. We dealt with miscommunication, time differences, and cultural differences. Each time we worked out whatever problem was happening we got stronger for it. That first visit was 7 months after the LD part began. After that I didn't know when I'd see him again. It ended up being three years. Then I went there and married him. And we thought we'd only be LD again for another 10 months - tops. And that was 2 years and 10 months ago. We are still going strong and will continue to do so. We know at the most now it will be another year and that is pretty much set in stone. So we are happy about that. Of course we WISH it was sooner. But it is how it is. You can make it through it. And your love and communication can grow stronger than you ever would have thought possible. It just takes both people working on it. We had rules from the beginning. And I think they are important ones that can alleviate a lot of grief. Any question asked gets a straight answer. Not "why?" or "I already told you that.", etc. Even if it was asked previously it just gets answered again. And we always answer the phone with an endearing term. It just helps with the insecurities of what may be going on over on the other side. Lastly, we both know that we get jealous and that we are both pretty possessive. We knew going in that each could get insecure about "us", the commitment of the other, and other people being there when we can not. We agreed that we would always hear each other and help with those situations when they came up. They have come up - way more so in the beginning - and we have always helped each other to get those nasty evil thoughts out of the other's head. For you - I would strongly recommend a journal. When he says those wonderful loving sweet things that just make you feel like you are floating on a cloud -- write them down. When your mind is going nuts and you are feeling insecure you can read those things. And it will take you back to that feeling almost instantly. It really helps. You do have a definite time of the distance being over. That time might be graduation right now -- but there will be an end. And it could work out that it is sooner than that. And it won't be three years before you see him again. I can guarantee that. So hang in there. Where there is a will there will be a way. And welcome to the LDR family at LS. Island Girl
SophieA Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Today I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend and enter into a LDR. We have been together for the past couple months and went to the same university so we got to spend almost everyday together and every night. He is transferring to another school closer to home for next year due to money issues so he will be 10+ hours away from now on. I have never felt so sad before in my life and my heart feels like it has been broken. I know that he loves me a lot but I am having trouble emotionally coping. I am horrible at adapting to changes...especially something like this. I have been used to always having him around and now I don't. I have no idea when I am going to see him again or how long we will be in this LDR. We have a pretty serious relationship and want to stay together as long as we can make it work out for the best. I would really like to hear some stories about how you felt right at the beginning of your LDR. This feels like the hardest thing in the world to me and it would be great to talk to some others about what they felt. Will it ever get any easier? Hello and welcome. I am new to this LDR thing too. I've been w/ my bf over 5 years and he moved away for med school a few weeks ago. We're about 2,500 miles apart. I can tell you that I feel your pain! It hurts! It's hard! I don't really think it has gotten any easier...it's hard going from seeing him 3-4 times a week to 3-4 times a year. All I can say is keep on keepin' on. Communicate as much as possible. My bf and I talk for about 1 hour each night on skype and usually send an email once a day. If it is meant to be you'll find a way to make it work. You've got to make the time to communicate. Also, you have to have immense amounts of trust. Believe that what you have is special and know that he wants to be with you and only you. Continue building your bond. I know that is something I can struggle with at times; as I know there are lots of single med student girls on the island with him. Keep a positive attitude. I know it's hard! Try to get a visit scheduled when you can. We're all here if you need to talk!
Author alwayslookingup Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Thank you both so much for your responses. It makes me feel a hundred times better that there are others going through the same situation. Today is the first day I have gone without seeing him and, boy, is it hard. I am struggling with so much right now and grappling with the realization that it is going to be a long time till I see him and I better get used to it. I feel the ugliness of jealousy already threatening. I am trying really really hard to not get caught up in it all and not being the manipulating girlfriend who is just jealous that she can't be with her girlfriend when other people can. Phew. It is really a whirlwind. Island Girl, thank you so much for the tips. You are truly an inspiration to the rest of us, I am sure. It gives me a lot of faith that LDRs are possible! If you have any other tips I am definitely open to hearing them all! Sophie, while my boyfriend and I haven't been together as long as you and yours have I am grateful you lent me some advice. I can't tell you how good it is to hear about other people's experiences and that it is possible. It is hard to talk to friends about it because I hate to be the complainer, so I'm glad I found this outlet.
Ashbash11 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Even though Islandgirl and Sophie already gave great replies, I figured I'd throw in my 2 cents, since 7 months ago, I was in the same position as you are now. My boyfriend and I were dating in the same city for 8 months-we spent lots of quality time together and got really close. He was supposed to get a PhD here, but he failed his exams and had to exit his program... that threw him for a loop, and he started looking for jobs... As it turned out, he couldn't find one in Boston (where we lived) So, he ended up taking a job in California, 3,000 miles away.... To say the least, I understand what you are going through. I felt like my heart had been broken, too. I hadn't felt pain like that before. I felt empty without him around.. It took many months for me to get used to not having him around, and not being able to see him whenever I wanted.. no more lunches together, no more hanging out on weekends... To make matters worse, he's an astronomer, so we not only have the time difference from east coast-west coast, but he works nights, and sleeps during the day. I guess my point is, if we can do it, so can you... So can anyone, really. We've overcome many obstacles in our 7 months of long distance... It proves that if the relationship and the love is strong, you can get through anything. We will be doing 2+ years long distance, as we are now. My only advice to you is to keep regular communication, as the others have said- Skype is essential: If you don't have a webcam, buy one!! They're great. Also, try to start establishing your independence as soon as you can... go out with friends, keep yourself busy. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to occupy your time so that you aren't constantly sad and depressed, missing your SO. You will definitely be sad and missing him, but try not to let it consume you.. That was my mistake in the beginning. Also, you will establish patterns with each other and somehow, get used to it. It never gets easier, IMO, but you learn to live with it. There will always be a longing, or an ache inside for your boyfriend, but you will learn to incorporate it into your life, and when you see each other, it will be amazing!!!
BubblyPopcorn Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I can relate to what you’re going through too. I just started dating someone who is going to be moving to Colorado, he was just offered a really good career opportunity and it would be foolish of him not to take it. As much as I don’t want him to go, me moving there isn’t a possibility this early on. I don’t know how he will feel about everything once he’s out there, so I’m just trying to stay optimistic. I know couples who have made it work, my male cousin moved to NY to be with his girlfriend (he was living in another state at the time and they met at a mutual friends wedding) and a friend of mine moved to another country to be with someone she met in the states and they eventually got married.
Author alwayslookingup Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Wow, thank you all for replies. I cannot tell you how excited I see when I get on here and see that! This has been day 2 of the separation and it is just really weird. He is at the beach right now with some of our friends and I keep thinking I'm just going to see him when he comes home...but I know this isn't true. I am having a tough time hearing about what he has been doing with other people and I get jealous that I'm not there too. Have any of you felt that way? And how do you deal with it? I'm trying to keep it under control. I know that the first couple days of adjusting are tough. I just don't want to get started off on the wrong foot.
Island Girl Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Oh yeah. I remember once he went to a concert there and I was just completely ticked off. Of course I didn't have any valid reason. And in my mind I knew that. But no matter how I tried to explain it to myself (and I made every argument possible!) my emotions just wouldn't get on board. I explained this to him - it took some great vulnerability there! I told him that I knew he shouldn't stay shut in the house all the time, and he was entitled to socialize, etc. BUT that I hated it and resented that I couldn't be there having fun with him and see him laugh, etc. He understood and had felt the same way at times (there is MUCH more to do here than there in our case). It is always difficult. You just have to hang on and communicate what you are feeling so you can help each other. Both of you should understand that either of you could feel these things at times and want to alleviate the other persons insecurities and jealousies when they come up. This is just a part of the learning curve of being in an LDR after having been together in person and having available time.
LonelyTiger Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 My hubby and I had lived together for 13 years before we went LDR in August last year. We'd never been apart for more than a few days before that. Talk about a shock to the system! When he left I felt as though my insides had been torn out of me. The first six months were incredibly difficult because we had to negotiate how the relationship was going to work - practicalities such as how we would communicate, how often etc. We weren't even sure, at that point, if we could make it work because our marriage was in crisis. The thing about LDRs is that, to make them work, you have to open up. As Island Girl often says, you have to become completely vulnerable, which gives the other person a chance to know you and understand you in a way they might not otherwise. Obviously we knew each other well at this point but going LDR reopened the lines of communication for us and we're closer than we've been in years. We had a lot of misunderstandings in the beginning, we still do occasionally, but I have found it easier as we've got into a new routine and I've learnt to accept how he's now living. He's a sociable guy and has made lots of friends at work and at the local dive club. He spends most weekends scuba diving, meets up with his dive buddies one night every week (he's even volunteered as bar man ) and they have lots of social events. To begin with I was really angry with him and jealous of his new life (I'm a scuba diver too but in the UK it's a different sport - the water's freezing cold!). I thought I'd got the raw end of the deal. I was still looking after our house and our business and living the same life we had together, while he was out enjoying himself all the time. I didn't like it that he was apparently having more fun than I was, or that he was having the fun with other people and not me. That wasn't really how it was, it was just how I chose to see it. I'm far more rational now and the truth is he's working really hard, much harder than I am, doing lots of extra hours on top of his day job, to make money for 'us' and he deserves to relax and have fun. I still get jealous, especially when he's diving with other people - he's MY diving buddy! The best thing to do is talk, talk and talk some more. Tell each other how you're feeling - about absolutely everything (no holds barred!) and support each other as much as you can. Somehow you will find a way that works for both of you. Good luck!
BubblyPopcorn Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I think it’s completely normal for you to feel that way and miss being with him, especially if you are used to seeing each other all the time. You’re going through an adjustment period, you both are. I can’t say that in time it will get any easier, as I’m not faced with the situation yet but as I’ve mentioned, I know people who have gone through it and it does help to talk to them and get a sense of what it’s like. The distance factor in itself is hard enough so you do have to talk and you do have to support each other as best you can during that time. I also look at my sister's relationship with her husband, he travels constantly for work and even though they are married with kids and live together, they barely see one another but they've been married for seven years now.
Bearandsue Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I met my SO online and then we lived together for 6 months. It was the hardest thing watching him get on that plane and not really knowing when we would see each other again. I cried for days. It was hard getting used to him not being there. But we struggled through. We talked every single day and he comes to visit when he can which is about 3 times per year. The longest we have been apart was 8 months. Then last November he showed up with a ring.YAY us. I used to get so upset when he would go hang out with his friends. It would cause a huge fight every time. I felt so left out with him going out and having fun while I was stuck at home being "poopy"(that what he calls it). It didnt matter where he went, fishing, camping, hanging out with the guys. I would just get all down about it. I don't know how I dealt with it. I think it was when I saw the effect it was having on him being home all the time and not being able to socialize and he talked to me about it. So now I am ok with him going out. Not to say I dont feel a little tinge of "whatever that feeling is" when he goes out, which is not even that often anyways. But I just keep myself busy when he is out and try not to feel down about it. Plus he gave me the numbers of all his friends he hangs out with and he checks in when he can. And always calls me when he gets in. So that is me. I tend to babble...lol. Welcome to you and you couldn't find a more supportive place to vent, ask questions, get sometimes brutally honest advise and to be comforted that this LS LDR family.
FabulousLadee Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Very good information for my situation later on down the line. I loooove you guys!! Awesome!
Author alwayslookingup Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 I only have time for a quick response right now but you all are AWESOME! I am just so grateful for you all, you have no idea how wonderful it is to know that I can talk to people in the same situation. And the fact that I got so many responses just brings me to tears. I guess I am in a rare emotional state right now Again, the warm welcome has been much appreciated!
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