t0ri Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I'll keep this as brief as possible. So my boyfriend of a little over two years dumped me in late February, seemingly out of the blue. We originally agreed to go on a "break" but then I logged onto my social-networking sites to find that he changed his relationship status from "in a relationship" to "single." Then he ignored me for days when I tried to discuss whether or not we were over. So I showed up at his apartment and he ends up telling me he wants a breakup, not a break, because he "doesn't want to be in a relationship right now and is sick of fighting and drama." So I accept it and don't say a word to him for three weeks. 2 or 3 times in the three weeks we weren't speaking, he sent me mean text messages like, "I'm so much happier without you" while he was drunk. Then we come in contact and began discussing what exactly went wrong in our relationship, and he basically tells me that he's still in love with me, and thinks he made a mistake in dumping me. So to make a long story somewhat shorter, we agree that we'll go back to being on a "break" and not a "breakup" because he said that I'm the only one he can imagine marrying and having children with, loves me, misses me, etc. We agreed that we were going to start fresh, try and forget the past, and take things slow rather than rushing right back into where we left off. He said he was going to take me on dates, and we were both going to work on the issues we brought to the relationship. So all goes well for a few weeks, maybe a month. Although, he never took me on any date as promised. We hung out once or twice a week, texted all day as usual, and fell asleep together on the phone every night (something we've done our entire relationship). During all this time, he was sweet, told me every day probably more than once that he loved me, misses me, is thinking about me, etc. Then three weeks ago, I ask him if I can stop by his apartment to say hi, and he accepts. So I go over, and he tells me that I can come in for awhile and hang out with him and his friends that were there, but not stay long as he wants to get to bed early. This was weird to me because he normally expects or begs me to spend the night with him. So I got a little irritated and told him I'd just leave instead of chillin with his friends, and I walked to my car. Then I second guess my reaction and tell him that actually, I'll come inside and hang out. To which he tells me that I cannot come in, and I need to leave, because his friend that was there just told him that Jen and Kelly are coming over. (So Kelly - is this girl he and his friend had made a bet about which of them could screw her first, when he and I first broke up. And Jen, is his old friend who has a boyfriend). So I got upset that he was making me leave just because two girls were coming over, one of which he claimed at one point to want to screw. So it turns into a fight and he eventually tells me, "Fine, you can come hang out with us all." I decline and leave. The next day he texts me and says, "I can't handle this anymore. It's over and that's that. Goodbye." I just say ok. Then I run into him on campus and we talk. He tells me that he just doesn't want to be in a relationship and that I "flipped out" the night before for no reason, because he's not the one who invited the girls over. He said he realized that if we get back together, it's just going to go back to the same ways of fighting and other things he doesn't want to deal with apparently. So it's been three weeks since then, and we have not spoken to each other whatsoever. We're both turning 22 in a few months, and I'm his first love/serious relationship/sexual experience. I dated before him, but not long term. He is my first love. Some background info: Both times that he has "ended things" in the past few months, it came after discussing our relationship with his friend/s. One of his closest friends seems to have a problem with us being together because he liked me at the same time my ex and I began dating. Also, this same friend became single at the same exact time as my ex did, and my ex's roommate is single as well. Also, I got pregnant and miscarried a year and a half into our relationship, and it seems that that situation brought me closer to him, and pushed him away. Plus, I broke up with him when I was pregnant, but didn't know I was pregnant, and only did it because of raging hormones...but to this day he blames that breakup for the shift in our relationship - I think it was the pregnancy, or both. And during the month or so of us beginning to get back together, he told me that he "wouldn't mind" if I got pregnant again basically. What the heck? And he tells me that I have every quality he wants in a girl. Am I just what he wants to marry but he's not ready to be serious about us? He and his roommate have apparently recently gotten a beer-pong table, he's been partying, and inviting girls over. He always told me he'd never get a beer-pong table or turn his house into a party house, and that's exactly what he's doing. When we last saw each other, I asked him if we were going to talk, or ever get back together, and all he said was, "I don't know." He just kept saying he doesn't want a relationship right now. So we're back to not speaking, and I'm left wondering when/if he'll ever contact me again. I just don't understand why he suddenly backed out of our relationship and decided that I, and our relationship, wasn't worth the fighting. He said he only thought about ending things with me for a week before he did it the first time. I really need some opinions on what may be going on with him. Is he confused? Why did he give up on us when he was JUST telling me that I'm the one? Is he wanting to get out and experience? Why is he suddenly partying even more than usual? And the most mind-consuming thought, is he likely to contact me again? Also, I have access to his phone records, and am guilty of checking them to see who he's talking to. He's been texting some girl a lot for the past two days. UGH!
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Would any answers regardless of what they are really change anything? There are no answers to your questions that will change the fact that he is gone, and that it would be best to leave it that way.
Author t0ri Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Well it would definitely be better to know the answers rather than boggling my mind wondering endlessly. I'd figure it's normal to replay the relationship and try and figure things out. I just am looking for some opinions as to what might have happened, or anything. But I seem to get none other than to forget about it. If it were that easy, it'd be done.
Loving Too Much Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 That is not love. Someone you love and that loves you back equally will never make you doubt. They will not give you a reason to not trust them.....plain and simple. Someone who loves you would and will do any and everything in his/her power to make sure that you feel secure in that feeling. As for him, he sounds as though he does not understand what it means to love.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Well it would definitely be better to know the answers rather than boggling my mind wondering endlessly. I'd figure it's normal to replay the relationship and try and figure things out. You will never know the answers. Never completely, and certainly, never honestly. The only way to know for sure is to get inside his head and I would guess it is a great big mess in there too. Replay is one thing. Press the repeat button and do it over and over, is unhealthy. This is why people suggest you abandon this exercise, and move on. I just am looking for some opinions as to what might have happened, or anything. But I seem to get none other than to forget about it. If it were that easy, it'd be done. But you see, because of your desire to know the whys and wherefores, you have actually not even begun to try. It is much simpler than most people imagine. It all begins with willingness to let go....
Author t0ri Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Yeah, I do need to let go of the questions. But isn't the above story completely confusing? He just threw me for a loop that I'd never expect, so I'm still dealing with the shock of it all. Day 21 NC though!
scootncash Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Hi tOri, Sometimes we never are given the answers to the questions that haunt us night and day. We fool ourselves into thinking that if we just knew why then it would be ok and we could move on. But if you even did get the answers it still wont change the fact over whats happened. We seem to hang onto the wish for answers like its a life line to that person that we are not willing to admit. We like to put up a front in front of others saying that we're trying to get over them and yes we know that they've hurt us and the best thing is for us to move on. But secretly alone in our rooms we truly wish they would come back or they would call and sometimes we even lend ourselves to the idea that they will come knocking on our door telling us they've made a huge mistake and want to make it right for a lifetime. Its delusional at best, most unhealthy at worst. It gives us reason to hang on. Desperate for answers but not willing to except the truth. Its tough to be in that position. No one really expected it to turn out this way especially you but my point is that regardless to the answers, you have to step out of that comfort zone, you have to make a concious decision to help YOU. You cant change whats happened and you cant go back to what it use to be. You can only move forward and find peace with your heart and lift the pain away. The only thing that can ever change in this heartbroken mess is you. Although Im new to this site I can tell you already that there are tons of people who feel as you do. We all are here for healing and to help. Just being here with these people is going to provide a lot of therapy. Although no one here is above professional help, we kind of provide personal enlighment help. So hang in there you will make it. Dont worry about getting the answers its not going to stop the pain and it wont right the wrongs. The only thing to do is take care of you. Except that the answers arent there and start dealing with you next step to the road to recovery. I wish you the best, Scootncash
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 No... not of the questions... You need to let go of HIM.
EmperorR Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 all answers do is prolong and give you false hope and you play the same scenarios in your head. For example my ex fiance cheated on me yet I kept on wanting to know why, for weeks I just kept bothering her why why, when why shouldn't matter she cheated. He wanted a breakup why doesn't matter just let go and move on I know its hard.
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