Kaley12121212 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Yesterday was my cousin's wedding. I have been looking forward to this for so long. I am very close with my cousin (my whole family actually) and was one of the bridesmaids. I asked my friend if he wanted to be my date, and he said that he would love to. We are sort of in that stage 'just before you date' if that makes sense. Anyway, the bridal party arrivals at the hall, and we make our grand entrances, and thats when I notice that his seat is empty at the bridal party date table. I called his cell which went striaght to voicemail, and left a message. He never showed. I was so upset because I was looking forward to this for so long and this put such a damper on the evening for me. Not to mention how embarrassed I felt to get stood up infront of my entire family and friends that were there. He sent me an email today saying that he got my message and feels really bad because he thought I knew he couldn't make it after all. However, he never once mentioned this, and I even talked to him 2 days before the wedding, and said to call my cell if he has any questions, like how to get to the hall or anything. I really don't know what to do about this. I know he's not a jerk and wouldn't intentionally hurt me, but this is really upsetting for me. He said he wants to make it up to me, but I am still feeling hurt that he really put a damper on this night that I spent so much time helping to prepare for, and was really excited about. I was wondering what other people's opinion are. Thanks!
mortensorchid Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'm so sorry that he was so heartless enough to stand you up for such an important event. I hope you will get over it, it must have been horribly embarrassing for you. As for him, you forget him. He'll make it up to you? Exactly how does he propose to do this?! You better forget him before it's REALLY too late. He disappointed you once for such an important event, just remember he may do it again.
tigressA Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 He sent me an email today saying that he got my message and feels really bad because he thought I knew he couldn't make it after all. However, he never once mentioned this, and I even talked to him 2 days before the wedding, and said to call my cell if he has any questions, like how to get to the hall or anything. I had a friend who did something like that once; it was my senior prom. He said he would show up to the pre-prom cookout at our friend's house. All our parents would be there after dinner, when we were all changed, to take pictures, so he knew he would end up meeting my parents. But then he made some lame last-minute excuse about not being able to go and that he'd meet us at the prom. He showed up to the prom but I was upset with him because he had even asked me how to introduce himself to my deaf mom in sign language, and then he had ditched me; I had to explain why he wasn't there. As for your friend: he very likely got cold feet because when it comes to a wedding, usually it's only more established couples--dating at least 6 months--who would go together. Since this was your cousin's wedding of course he realized he would be meeting your family, so he became piss-pants scared because he didn't want to be seen as your boyfriend, left you to be embarrassed as all get-out, and made up some lame lie hoping that you'd buy it. Forget him. He's a liar and a flake.
LoveLace Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 As for your friend: he very likely got cold feet because when it comes to a wedding, usually it's only more established couples--dating at least 6 months--who would go together. Since this was your cousin's wedding of course he realized he would be meeting your family, so he became piss-pants scared because he didn't want to be seen as your boyfriend, left you to be embarrassed as all get-out, and made up some lame lie hoping that you'd buy it. Forget him. He's a liar and a flake. That's what I was thinkin'...
Author Kaley12121212 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Hey, It's the OP. I just wanted to provide a little additional information. I don't think he was scared about meeting the family. He has already met my parents a few times, and he even met my cousin who was getting married. He actually really likes my family. Also, before I asked him to come to this wedding, he actually asked me to be his date to his friends wedding (It's next month), where he will be the best man. So I don't think the fact that it was a wedding freaked him out or anything. Thanks for the replies! I really appreciate all the responses I've been getting.
rachel m Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 In my experience, if a man is flaky, there's always a reason. More often then not, that reason is that he doesn't have his life together or is seeing other people. These men are better left on their own to figure themselves out. Whatever the reason, it likely has very little to do with you.
Lindarose84 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Wow, OP you say he isn't a jerk, but you're making excuses for him. He IS a jerk. He knew exactly what he was doing- he INTENTIONALLY hurt you. Why would his phone go straight to voicemail? Because he turned it off in an attempt to avoid you. This isn't about cold feet- you guys are, first and foremost, friends so a wedding shouldn't have been a big deal. It's just a party, it's not like he was getting married. I know a lot of people might not see this as the "adult" thing to do (since it's tit for tat), but you should back out of the wedding he invited you to. Sometimes, the best way for people to learn from their nonsense is to experience it themselves. I'm not saying you should stoop to his level and stand him up, but you should let him know that what he did was not cool, and right now you don't feel comfortable going to the wedding he invited you to. He essentially ruined your cousins wedding for you, why should he have the benefit of having a date at his friend's wedding?
Author Kaley12121212 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I know a lot of people might not see this as the "adult" thing to do (since it's tit for tat), but you should back out of the wedding he invited you to. That's actually what my friend told me to do as well. And right now, that's exactly how I feel, but I don't know if will be in a 'better place' in a month from now, when the wedding is. So that's something I'm going to have to decide on. I realize that I probably am making excuses, but I guess it's because he's my friend and someone that I have (or had I guess) intentions of being in a relationship with. He mentioned in the email that his phone was dead, which is why it went to voicemail. He's not the kind of person who lies to me, but that seems rather coincidental. I'm just feeling really burned by this. I guess I never saw him as the kind of person who would do this, and its really hard knowing that I no longer feel like I can really trust him, or count on him.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 who cares if the phone was dead... WHY wasn't he THERE? what did he say kept him from being there when he had a commitment with you? i think it's not nice of him - at all. my friends don't do things like this and then make lame excuses like "i told you" and "my phone was dead" that's just him - being a total jerk and expecting you to think it's ok. it's not ok, i'm not sure why you're not flaming mad and telling him that his actions are unacceptable??? your actions are telling him it's ok to treat you as second choice, and that you really aren't expecting more. where was he that was so damn important that he missed a huge event with you? that he committed to ahead of time? either way, YOU were NOT his priority...
Author Kaley12121212 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 where was he that was so damn important that he missed a huge event with you? that he committed to ahead of time? ... Well, for the last week he was helping out with a play that was going on in our city (at a local highschool). He was helping do some of the lights, and he mentioned a few weeks back that he would have to get someone to do it for him on Saturday. In his email he said that he couldn't get somone so he had to do it and "I thought I told you". I told him that he could have very easily found someone to do that for him, and as a volunteer I'm sure they would understand if he had a commitment to a wedding for the night. it's not ok, i'm not sure why you're not flaming mad and telling him that his actions are unacceptable??? ... I actually sent him a reply to his little email telling him that I was really pissed off about this, and how embarrassed and stupid he made me feel, and how it put me in a lousy mood for the whole night. I pretty much told him exactly how I felt, and let him know that his excuse was bs. I'm leaving it at that - I don't know how he'll respond but I know I'm not going to just act like it's ok, that's for sure.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I have no respect (or care) for people that don't respect my time and their commitment to me. If they say they're going to do something for/with me, then they'd better do it, or make different arrangements before said commitment. If he's supposedly that scatter-brained that he "thought" he had told you, then maybe in the future he should write this stuff down and get your signature saying that you were given the info. What a genius. I'd be so angry. I agree with the not going to his wedding thing. Although, I'd at least have the decency to tell him beforehand that he'd need to find another date. If he wants to see it as petty and childish or "tit-for-tat," then that's his problem. Why should I follow through for somebody if they can't do the same for me? I'm done wasting my life giving and giving to people only to have them turn around and crap on me (like this guy). The sooner you learn that lesson, the better. Or you will spend your life as a doormat with constant disappointment. If he asks if you're not going just because he didn't go to yours, you could say, "No. I would only attend a wedding like that with either a good friend or a BF and since you are neither, I don't think it's a good idea for me to go." BTW, good friends do not stand you up.
2sunny Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Well, for the last week he was helping out with a play that was going on in our city (at a local highschool). He was helping do some of the lights, and he mentioned a few weeks back that he would have to get someone to do it for him on Saturday. In his email he said that he couldn't get somone so he had to do it and "I thought I told you". I told him that he could have very easily found someone to do that for him, and as a volunteer I'm sure they would understand if he had a commitment to a wedding for the night. I actually sent him a reply to his little email telling him that I was really pissed off about this, and how embarrassed and stupid he made me feel, and how it put me in a lousy mood for the whole night. I pretty much told him exactly how I felt, and let him know that his excuse was bs. I'm leaving it at that - I don't know how he'll respond but I know I'm not going to just act like it's ok, that's for sure. are you justifying his bad behavior or drawing a line in the sand of decency? i can't tell because this seems wishy washy from your answers.
Athena Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 That's actually what my friend told me to do as well. And right now, that's exactly how I feel, but I don't know if will be in a 'better place' in a month from now, when the wedding is. So that's something I'm going to have to decide on. Nope, do not have the decency to warn him! Go along with it all the way, and then just don't pitch up, same as him... you will be helping him in the future to never ditch a girl at the last minute, ever again.. I think he lacks empathy, and you have to help teach him it, firsthand!
Citizen Erased Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Nope, do not have the decency to warn him! Go along with it all the way, and then just don't pitch up, same as him... you will be helping him in the future to never ditch a girl at the last minute, ever again.. I think he lacks empathy, and you have to help teach him it, firsthand! I can't say I agree. It's petty and immature. My suggestion would be to ignore him. Not worth getting even more worked up over this guy.
Mycroft Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 My suggestion would be to ignore him. Not worth getting even more worked up over this guy. I agree. I think you were right to tell him off, but any more energy put into this is wasted.
WhyYesThankYou Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Agreeeeeeee with the above. This is open-and-shut, inexcusable jerkiness on his part. I thought the most disturbing part was his being such a d!ck that he'd stand you up at a wedding, but as I read on, I discovered that the REALLY scary aspect of this is the rationalizing that you're doing (the OP). He agreed to be with you at a significant, public event. He didn't show, didn't have a good reason, and didn't bother to let you know. Move on. If it helps, visualize him standing you up at your own wedding to him.
LoveLace Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 You are hoping to be in a "better place" by the time the next wedding rolls around...well it should take a lot more than "sorry" for him to put this in a better place...he should have cared enough about these plans with you to reach you somehow, (there are cell phones everywhere, so the "dead phone" excuse means nothing to me)....he should have made sure to reach you, ASAP, and actually speak with you for you to know what was going on. But he either didn't want you to know about something going on, or his plans with you are not important enough for him to remember them and hold up his end of the friendship. Either way, doesn't sound like a person you should even want to be in a "better place" with... I would for sure be telling him that I won't be his wedding date, and leave it at that. I would also be tempted to stand him up exactly as he did to you, so that he knows how it feels, but that's up to you. Ive been involved with a guy that had 1 woman he took to weddings and family events, etc, but he didn't want a relationship at all. She was just a space for him to fill.
xpaperxcutx Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 He flaked. I can't imagine what it would be like to be stood up at the wedding, but had you been the bride it would have been much worse and painful. But that aside, I think any apologies from him now will be less than welcomed. He can't even bring himself to call you straight away, or knock down your door to say he's sorry. Instead he chose to send an email that may have been written in a hurry filled with spelling errors.
mortensorchid Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Wow, OP you say he isn't a jerk, but you're making excuses for him. He IS a jerk. He knew exactly what he was doing- he INTENTIONALLY hurt you. Why would his phone go straight to voicemail? Because he turned it off in an attempt to avoid you. This isn't about cold feet- you guys are, first and foremost, friends so a wedding shouldn't have been a big deal. It's just a party, it's not like he was getting married. I know a lot of people might not see this as the "adult" thing to do (since it's tit for tat), but you should back out of the wedding he invited you to. Sometimes, the best way for people to learn from their nonsense is to experience it themselves. I'm not saying you should stoop to his level and stand him up, but you should let him know that what he did was not cool, and right now you don't feel comfortable going to the wedding he invited you to. He essentially ruined your cousins wedding for you, why should he have the benefit of having a date at his friend's wedding? This is an excellent suggestion, LR. Years ago, I was going out with a guy who started acting all weird with me around Christmastime. He actually had the inconsideration to break up with me two weeks before Christmas, and he STILL expected me to go to his office Christmas party with him! I asked how he intended to introduce me to people if and when we attended this party, he said he would introduce me as his friend. I said "Ain't gonna happen, guy! You made your bed, now sleep in it!" He had the gaul to tell me that he was angry with me because I wouldn't go to the party that he had spent money on for a ticket! Afterward, he came back with his tail between his legs and apologized. Give him a taste of his own medicine and flake out on him for the wedding next month. See how he likes it.
LoveLace Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Give him a taste of his own medicine and flake out on him for the wedding next month. See how he likes it. I just keep likin' this idea...heck make HIM think you are in a "better place", THEN ditch him. Oh yea!
Author Kaley12121212 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Thanks for all of the replies! I can't decide if I want to be the bigger person, so to say, and tell him asap that I won't be attending his friend's wedding anymore, or if I should give him a taste of his own medicine and just not show up. I think I will let him know in advance, because I just can't help but feel bad that I resorted to his own level. And I agree, he is a jerk for doing this. "He actually had the inconsideration to break up with me two weeks before Christmas, and he STILL expected me to go to his office " -Wow, I can't believe how ridiculous some guys can be, and the nerve they have!
Lindarose84 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 This is an excellent suggestion, LR. Years ago, I was going out with a guy who started acting all weird with me around Christmastime. He actually had the inconsideration to break up with me two weeks before Christmas, and he STILL expected me to go to his office Christmas party with him! I asked how he intended to introduce me to people if and when we attended this party, he said he would introduce me as his friend. I said "Ain't gonna happen, guy! You made your bed, now sleep in it!" He had the gaul to tell me that he was angry with me because I wouldn't go to the party that he had spent money on for a ticket! Afterward, he came back with his tail between his legs and apologized. Give him a taste of his own medicine and flake out on him for the wedding next month. See how he likes it. Yeah, guys can be clueless as to tasteful behavior- you don't break up with someone and then expect them to go to your Christmas party with you in two weeks!?!?! The more I think about it, the more I think you should flake on him too. Ultimately, you'd be doing him a favor because he will NEVER pull a stunt like that on another woman because he knows exactly how it much sucked when it happened to him. Again Kaley, it's not the "adult" thing to do, so I guess it's a question of whether you want to be the "bigger person" as you said.
LoveLace Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 "being the bigger person", you'd hope, would be a good example to him and make him think, man, I was a jerk. But he's a guy. He won't think of it that way, he won't even relate it to recent events. To him, it'll just be, "well she's not going to the wedding with me"...and he might want to know why, at most....if you say well, it's because of what you did to me...he'll kiss your a$$, then you'll end up at the wedding anyway....and nothing is really accomplished, here. Or, in the light of being dishonest, you can just tell him you can't go because of something else going on...and maybe that will make him feel less important, as he did to you....but again he's a guy, will probably not relate it to recent events....unless you outright remind him, as done in plan A....then it's all just a game, almost. Still, I think blowing him off cold is a better option...regardless of how "immature" it is...he did it himself, so he's not one to judge it as immature...instead, right away, he will first-hand experience the humiliation and know what's it's like to be in your shoes....even in things like couples therapy, they role play for the sake being in the other's shoes...to try and get both sides to gain perspective....of course that's therapeutic as opposed to revenge....but I choose not to see it as "revenge"...just as an eye-opener. Lastly, options are to totally dump him, or let it work itself out and become a pattern of repetitive bull crap on his part.
Mycroft Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Maybe there's some middle ground. Personally I'm not the type to tell someone 1 thing but plan to do the exact opposite, so I wouldn't "go along with it" then flake. But if I was in your shoes I wouldn't bother to tell the other person I wasn't going unless they actually asked directly. And my NO WAY would come out with laughter If he tries to contact you, you don't really have to tell him anything, you can just be unavailable to talk, leave him wondering. If he asks directly you can even tell him your not sure what your going to do(its sorta true lol). Of course don't go, it would just enable this guys bad behavior. Like others said, even if he gave you good warning that it was likely he couldn't go(though he did not), he would STILL be an ass for doing anything less than calling you well before the event, that morning at the latest, and cancel with an apology. My friends and I are much less flaky even when its just hanging out at one of our homes or a bar or whatever.
LoveLace Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 [ My friends and I are much less flaky even when its just hanging out at one of our homes or a bar or whatever. Exactly..I agree with that plan, too...just don't say if you are going either way for the time being...
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