n9688m Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I am wondering others' thoughts on how to handle financial issues when dating someone who has a substantially different income. I have been separated for about a year after a 15-year marriage. "Last time" I dated I was a student with negative net worth. Now I own several businesses, a boat, house with swimming pool, etc. I have met a woman recently who is also separated and we really seem to have hit it off on so many levels. She is ambitious and quite successful in her career but still it is clear I earn at least 5 times her income and that her separation has created significant financial issues for her. I do not get any sense at all that she is a gold-digger - to the contrary, she clearly wants to keep working herself up the ladder in her job and I admire that. I am tempted to help her out financially when stuff like car repairs come up, but I haven't yet because I think if she starts to become financially dependent on me that will create a bad relationship dynamic where she might want to be with me for that reason rather than just to be with me. But money certainly isn't absent as a dynamic since I pay when we go out to dinner and when we travel together (something I very much enjoy doing as a couple). Yet it seems almost inconsiderate for me to say take us on a cruise together when I know she has much more basic bills she is trying to pay for her home, car, etc. As I said, this isn't something we have discussed as an issue in any way, nor has she ever asked me for financial help. I guess I am struggling between feeling guilty for not helping her out more vs. worried if I do help her financially then she will be motivated to stay with me for the wrong reasons. And I should say that though the relationship is fairly new (about 3 months), I am really happy in just about every way so far - she has a great heart, seems really emotionally compatible with me, she is smart, and she has the most passionate sex drive of any woman I have ever met.
Trialbyfire Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Has she ever paid, sincerely volunteered or insisted on paying? I'm not talking about the half-hearted effort or the guilt-slaking style of...effort. Does she treat you by buying gifts or does she just spend on herself? For example, does she make substantial unnecessary purchases like expensive clothing, jewelry, things for her personal use, but never does anything for you? True caring between people where neither party is a selfish individual, is about wanting to spoil and pamper your SO.
jayOG Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Play poor if you can, by that I mean be modest, humble, not flamboyant. People who are deserving of help, don't ask. Desperate situations being the exception. I think it might be very inconsiderate of you to take her on a cruise or treat her above her lifestyle and not be willing to help her out. I've dated girls below my socioeconomic status and well you really have to help them out. I've dated girls above my socioeconomic status and they can be sometimes inconsiderate. Like, why don't you get a better car... My response, "why don't you buy me a better car." If you guys aren't an equal playing field you have to be outrageously considerate to what is important to them. Maybe that is all a person can afford... You know. Taking care of her bills if she can't afford them isn't a big deal. Gold digging is can you buy me a new car when she has two sitting in the driveway with temp tags... Pay for the essentials, be considerate and communicate about how certain things make her feel, being frivolous is a turn off to a poor person trying to make it, and if you take her on cruise for your benefit make sure you pay for all her bills for the time she is away from work and give her a little extra on the side. What a gentleman would do...
Author n9688m Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Has she ever paid, sincerely volunteered or insisted on paying? No but she has made dinner at her place on a number of occasins. Does she treat you by buying gifts or does she just spend on herself? She has bought me small gifts on various occasions. She does not appear to spend on herself beyond the real basics for her home or car or kids. I see no suggestion at all that she seeks a lifestyle beyond that which she can afford herself. True caring between people where neither party is a selfish individual, is about wanting to spoil and pamper your SO. I think that is a very accurate description of our relationship so far (albeit a short one) on all of the non-economic levels, i.e. emotionally, deciding what we do together, arranging our schedules to spend time with one another, sexually. It's simply not possible for her to do that for me financially, nor do I want that. I would be glad to help her our financially - though she has never asked - but at the same time I am concerned it could set up a dynamic to want me for the wrong reasons. Yet if I have always enjoyed traveling for example why not do so with her? And it's not like I can keep my financial situation a secret -it is obvious in too many ways no matter how modest I might try to appear.
Trialbyfire Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 She's a separated, single mother with some financial distress? Do yourself a favour and don't help her out financially. Also, don't take her on vacation until she can afford to pay her share. If she's the go-getter she claims to be, her financial situation should turn around fairly quickly, since I'm guessing, she's not paying alimony or child support to her ex. If she's not what she claims to be, she'll stall out where she's at now, due to a lack of a second income aka her spouse's wages. Don't be the white knight with a big "L" on your forehead!
Author n9688m Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 If she's the go-getter she claims to be, her financial situation should turn around fairly quickly, since I'm guessing, she's not paying alimony or child support to her ex. I wouldn't really say she is in distress financially - she can clearly support herself, albeit apparently without mush of a cushion for emergencies. But I don't really see the income disparity ever changing. As ambitious as she is, there is simply a ceiling to what is achievable in her career vs. mine. Maybe I am presenting this wrong. I don't think this is really an "issue" between us at present. She has never asked for money and I have no doubt she can support her current lifestyle. I guess I am instead asking the question of how do finances affect an evolving long-term relationship where there is a substantial difference in income and lifestyle? I want to know she like me for me rather than for my money. I am not sure how to know that, and once she starts experiencing a different lifestyle with me I am even less sure how to know that won't influence her at least subconsciously.
Trialbyfire Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Why not tone down your lifestyle, for the next four months? If she's making you dinner at her place, make her dinner or get take out, at your place. Instead of taking her to the theatre, rent a movie, etc. If she starts balking at this, looking to go out more often and is making suggestions, let her pay. If she asks if you're having income issues, tell her that times are tough right now, so you have to keep things on the moderate side. If she's a gold digger, she won't have much patience with you.
cybersister Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 THis is difficult, I think the poster has it about right. The situation is not too different from me and my man. I earn enough to pay my bills. It is important to me to be able to look after myself. My man earns about 5 times what I earn. He pays for my flights to go see him. His view is it should not cost me money to be with him. I would not want him to help me out more, precisely as the poster argues- I would not want to become dependent on him cos then it could influence any decisions about the future of the relationship- like being with him for the wrong reasons . I will never earn what he does- it is not a question of getting on my feet but my career choice. So no, do not offer to pay bills, but do meet expenses of dating. Sounds like she is doing her bit with small thoughtful gifts and cooking. As for travel- I think that is OK- I have a friend like myself who is dating someone of significant means - he does expect her to pay her way, but suggests expensive holidays and cruises. She loves being with him but has to suggest camping trips and other less expensive treats. He likes his luxuries. So I see nothing wrong in the wealthier partner paying for treats, but not essentials- being there to help out should an emergency arise may also be acceptable.
anne1707 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I agree with TBF's last post (see, it can happen ). Step back on the expense - not just for the reason TBF stated but for a more positive one in terms of how it may reflect on your girlfriend. If she is genuine and is just trying to recover financially from her separation then she may feel more comfortable with you spending less as it may make her feel as if her financial contribution to the relationship is more on a par with yours. For all you know she may be worrying that you think she's a goldigger when she's not. If she is spending on your relationship at a level in proportion to her income then I think that is fair.
cybersister Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 three months in.. it's going well...perhaps it's worth talking about- after all it is not going to go away. If you are unsure about her motivation then you could put it off for a time , cut back on expenses to make sure she is not a gold digger, though nothing you have said suggests this.
jayOG Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 About 2 years ago I dated a girl who was below my socioeconomic status and I paid for virtually everything. I knew she didn't have much. And having been in her position and understanding the stress that goes along with paying bills and not having any emergency money is pretty tough. She attempted to pay her own way, often running to cash register before I got there... She did pay for me when she could afford to, but I always gave it back to her in one form or another. Seriously though, if I wanted her for the weekend and she had work and bills to pay... I guarantee you I would hook her up, after all it is for my benefit. Don’t have all her bills put in your name, not what I’m saying. But if she could use some help, lend her a hand Class differences are very important in a relationship... You really have to put yourself in their shoes. You've gotta give to get... She may not be able to put out financially, but she can do other things. You have the means to put out financially... Relationships where there is a class difference face this kind of inequity. Damn, is it going to hurt you so badly if you throw her a few dollars here and there. If she's a gold digger you will find out pretty quickly and if she's not and you help her out you just did a really nice thing that scores you extra points with her... Hmmm maybe with all that extra money she saves she might buy you that car you’ve always wanted… Just what it is, if she can’t even the playing you field you will have to. The difference where class doesn’t matter is when all necessities are met. You both have a car, house, security money, health insurance… One person could make 20x as much as the other and it doesn’t matter. But when one person is struggling to get by and the other person has the means to help, what are you waiting for…
Scottdmw Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I've been in this situation, and I tend to look to see if the other person is doing _something_ to treat me if I treat her. I don't mind paying for all the dinners out, so long as she makes an effort to cook for me sometimes, for example. I personally wouldn't pay anyone's bills though, unless we're married. Scott
a4a Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 If you like the person why wouldn't you want to help out? If you want a person to go on vacation but they cannot afford it.... pay their way. You invite - you pay! Or don't invite her. I have paid for many a mans meal and friends meals and vacations simply because they were not in the position to pay- but I sincerely enjoy their company so I paid their way. If it is taking away from your own financial stability that is a different story. If you have money to burn..... what is the issue? It is all relative to how much money you have and what importance you place on it. I would have no problem buying people things if I really liked them and they were indeed good people (friends, strangers, family, or BF's). Isn't money used to make peoples life better and more enjoyable?
Trialbyfire Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 n9688m, my previous advice was tailored to you, since you really care about her and want to make this work, but have concerns. Now, my advice is no longer tailored, just generalized. Date people who don't need you to compensate for them, in any way, including financially.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Maybe I am presenting this wrong. I don't think this is really an "issue" between us at present. She has never asked for money and I have no doubt she can support her current lifestyle. I guess I am instead asking the question of how do finances affect an evolving long-term relationship where there is a substantial difference in income and lifestyle? I want to know she like me for me rather than for my money. I am not sure how to know that, and once she starts experiencing a different lifestyle with me I am even less sure how to know that won't influence her at least subconsciously. Until she is actually divorced... you need to keep your money where it belongs... In your wallet. Also, throwing money at her is an easy way out. Be there for her in other ways, and just use the money on things you two can enjoy together. Women can and do get addicted to your finances... you need to make sure that does not happen.
manugeorge Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 This is all part of getting to know each other, if she doesn't ask, don't explicitly offer. If you really want to help, just let her know that you hope that eventually, she will feel comfortable enough to come to you if she needs help with ANYTHING, then drop it. You can't predict character this early on in the dating game, you just sit back and watch people expose thier true colors. If she wants you for your money, you'll find out soon enough. Also, don't set the precedence of intiating expensive dates if you want reciprocation or if you want her to pay her own way. It's a bad way to start things off. Since you are significantly well off, you have to date within HER means, not yours. Which is not to say you shouldn't treat her if you want, but you have to GENUINELY want to without expecting anything in return
Recommended Posts