Colima Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I found out I was pregnant by my ex. I had an IUD that had dislodged, so were using a contraceptive method - it just failed. When I told him he told me how he always wanted children how much he loved me but that he couldn't have children outside of the kind of relationship we could never have (he and I). Maybe that was honest and I should appreciate it. It still hurt to hear "I want all of this, just not with you." We talked about it and decided on a medical abortion, which basically means you take oral medication 24 hours apart and then have a miscarriage. So he acted considerate and as if he was trying to be there for me for this - he got a hotel room near the clinic and took me to the appointment, etc. He was there at the clinic when they gave me the first pills and we went to the hotel together. He was there when I took the second set of pills, but left early in the morning while I was still miscarrying. He had to go teach a class he teaches. I was hurt that he didn't cancel or get a substitute, because he knew I'd be in the middle of the worst part at that time. He had already told me that on that day (or rather evening) he "had to" go to a "birthday thing" for a friend. And so he did. He left that morning for his class, leaving me alone and bleeding at the hotel. He didn't return until 2 hours after I had to check out, and then he went with his "friends" to a drinking festival of sorts. He wasn't online or available by phone all night. He called twice, the second time to say he couldn't get off the couch so couldn't come be with me. I know he got off the couch to go out and stayed out all night. I don't know, we aren't dating anymore - but it really hurt because it feels like he stuck around just long enough to make sure I'd taken the second set of pills and was miscarrying, and then he split. Also, the first night at the hotel we had sex and he said all these mushy, sentimental things that gave me false hope, but afterwards he withdrew from me emotionally for the second night. I admit I wanted the sex - I was feeling alone and afraid and still had feelings for him. I guess for me it was about love and for him it was just sex. The weird thing was he kept going on and on about how he hated men that used me for sex (or tried to use me for sex). Isn't that what he did too? I felt hurt and used and so so sad. He's a jerk, right? What is wrong with me?
jayOG Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 No,you summed it up pretty well. Nothing wrong with your reasoning, it's pretty logical. He pulled some lines on you, hit it, made sure you went through with the procedure, and was out... My friends are similar... Hopefully you will be able to learn from this experience and prevent yourself from falling into a similar situation. But telling you he is a good guy and that you should give him a second chance is actually more psychologically effective... He's a good guy, give him a second chance, you are being inconsiderate to his life. It's not his fault that you got pregnant.
sadie20 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hey hun let me tell you this is nothing wrong with you what so ever, your right this boy is a jerk and sounds to me you can do a million times better. I know when i say this, it doesnt make you feel any better because you cant help how you feel about him. I kind of went through the same thing last year with my boyfriend. I found out i was pregnant. I wanted to keep the baby and he said he wanted it but just couldnt have it as we hednt been together long, not enough money etc. So in the end we decided our relationship would be better without a baby. I kept asking him all the time though, that we would definately be ok once i go through with it because im only doing it for our relationship, otherwise i would of kept the baby. I already had strong feelings for the baby. But i was so wrapped up in him i stupidly chose him over my baby. I had a surgical abortion ( where i was put to sleep). He didnt come with me cos he said he couldnt get time off work which hurt like hell. Afterwards he text me once to see if i was ok. The next time i saw him he didnt ask me one questio about waht happened at hospital, how i was feeling etc. I went on facebook a few days later and he had actually finished with me on there, i couldnt believe it. He finished with me saying he had changed his mind that he didnt want a relationdhip that he wanted to be single. However a few weeks later he met someone else and they been together for a year now. He never asks how i am nothing. I got very depressed afterwards, i been on anti depressants for a year now. just couldnt believe he moved on so quick. i found out afterwards that he was going to finish with me all along he was just pretending to like me so id have an abortion and then he has no ties with me then. The guilt and pain i feel that i chose him over my baby in the first place is indescriable. all i can say is to talk to someone ( i got a councillor to talk to). It seems to me that this boy is very immature. My ex told me once that he got scared about the whole baby thing thats why he did it. Maybe your ex has got scared to. However this does not excuse what he has done to you. He should of been there for you when you needed him. Unfortunately i dont think men actually know what we have to go through. I definately think you should talk to someone straight away, because i left it for a few months to talk to someone and i got very depressed. i still am now. Ask your ex what has happened and why he did that to you. you deserve to know why he has done this. dont put up with any of the excuses he gives you. when you said he couldnt get off the couch just says to me what a pathetic loser he really is. i know all the feelings you are feeling. hurt, angry, betrayed. please talk to someone i hope this helps, sorry its so long, just thought you should know that i have kind of been there and the best thing you can do is to get help before it goes any further xxx
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 it is both their responsibility though. it takes two to tango.... OP, Nothing is wrong with you. But I am afraid you had a taste of the more unpleasant and savoury side to a sexual liaison. I am sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you are recovering, both physically and emotionally. Put it behind you, put your shoulders back, and be determined to not get caught in such a situation again.
era Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hi Colima... My heart goes out to you...you were used, and yes he's a jerk. Sometimes contraceptive methods fail - I know because it happened to me while I had an IUD. The pregnancy is not your fault. Also, he has given you false hope - he is a liar. He doesn't deserve a second chance..nor does it seem like he even really wants one, judging by his actions.
sadie20 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 yes it does take two to make a baby, but then it should take two of you to help each other through it. why should just the girl have to be left on her own when the boy cant be bothered to do anything. both of you made a baby, both of you should be helping each other no just 1 person.
Enema Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 why should just the girl have to be left on her own when the boy cant be bothered to do anything. both of you made a baby, both of you should be helping each other no just 1 person. It balances out. The man doesn't have to stick around and help you... but, the flip side is that he doesn't have any say in what you choose to do. The woman can hold the man to ransom if she falls pregnant, the only power he has is the ability to walk away.
MN randomguy Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 That's horrible Colima, Abortions are very emotional things, everyone knows that. What kind of scum bag would use it to manipulate a woman into having sex. And, yes, would it be too much to ask to stick around for a while. I know you'll be more careful going forward. There's always a possibility of pregnancy with sex. Make sure its with someone with enough value as a person that their progeny have a possibility of being an asset to the world.
Lindarose84 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Wow this is just a new kind of low. I'm shocked someone would be so heartless as to leave you while you're going through something so serious as a miscarriage especially when it took the two of you to get pregnant. I'm even more surprised that he had sex with you when you guys were in the midst of getting an abortion- you would think that would be the last thing on his mind if he really cared about you and your situation. Obviously, your decisions were a little flawed to one, agree to have sex with him given your situation, and two to pick him as a mate altogether, but that's the beauty of mistakes- you learn from them. It'll be hard , but every time you feel the urge to think about him or go back to him, think of the pain you were in while you were miscarrying and remember that he was no where in sight and how "getting off the couch" was too much of a task for him to do for you.
You'reasian Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I found out I was pregnant by my ex. I had an IUD that had dislodged, so were using a contraceptive method - it just failed. When I told him he told me how he always wanted children how much he loved me but that he couldn't have children outside of the kind of relationship we could never have (he and I). Maybe that was honest and I should appreciate it. It still hurt to hear "I want all of this, just not with you." We talked about it and decided on a medical abortion, which basically means you take oral medication 24 hours apart and then have a miscarriage. So he acted considerate and as if he was trying to be there for me for this - he got a hotel room near the clinic and took me to the appointment, etc. He was there at the clinic when they gave me the first pills and we went to the hotel together. He was there when I took the second set of pills, but left early in the morning while I was still miscarrying. He had to go teach a class he teaches. I was hurt that he didn't cancel or get a substitute, because he knew I'd be in the middle of the worst part at that time. He had already told me that on that day (or rather evening) he "had to" go to a "birthday thing" for a friend. And so he did. He left that morning for his class, leaving me alone and bleeding at the hotel. He didn't return until 2 hours after I had to check out, and then he went with his "friends" to a drinking festival of sorts. He wasn't online or available by phone all night. He called twice, the second time to say he couldn't get off the couch so couldn't come be with me. I know he got off the couch to go out and stayed out all night. I don't know, we aren't dating anymore - but it really hurt because it feels like he stuck around just long enough to make sure I'd taken the second set of pills and was miscarrying, and then he split. Also, the first night at the hotel we had sex and he said all these mushy, sentimental things that gave me false hope, but afterwards he withdrew from me emotionally for the second night. I admit I wanted the sex - I was feeling alone and afraid and still had feelings for him. I guess for me it was about love and for him it was just sex. The weird thing was he kept going on and on about how he hated men that used me for sex (or tried to use me for sex). Isn't that what he did too? I felt hurt and used and so so sad. He's a jerk, right? What is wrong with me? Sorry to hear this, Colima. I wish you could have a guy to comfort you through this.
Kaley12121212 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And you're right, he is a jerk. You are definately better off without someone who is selfish like that. I hope you feel better about this whole situation. He's the one who has to live with himself, knowing how horrible he treated you.
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