WhatTheDuck Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hey everyone, I'm in a jam and I'm trying to figure out what to do, but I figured some advice would help me out. I've been dating my girlfriend now for 3 years and lately she's been telling me that she's unsure of our relationship. She says that it's all "50-50." She tells me she loves me, but she's just unsure of how everything is. There was a point when I told myself I should just break up with her, but one day I woke up and all of that went away. Instead, I loved her more and wanted to do everything I could to change her 50-50 into a 100-0. I love her very much and I don't want to lose her. I told her this as well, but she's still unsure. I'm trying to be patient and hopefully everything will turn out for the better, but it's been tough. We've had a lot of arguments in the past, especially in our second year together. We argued almost everyday because my work hours got in the way of us spending time together and last summer we did break up because she began talking to a guy she met at school. When we got back together, she told me that she told him she wanted to work things out with me and didn't want to do anything that would cause me to think that she wanted to be with anyone else (she stopped talking to him completely). The guy is persistent though so he would show up where she worked and would try talking to her there. Lately she's always texting and I'm just hoping she's not talking to him. She did tell me that if she did ever meet another guy she would tell me so that I wasn't wasting my time with her. She's very confused and she tells me it's not me and that it's her, but that doesn't really help me pinpoint why she's confused. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things work out again. She still hugs me and kisses me like before, but knowing that she's still 50-50 about everything doesn't make me feel any better. She's been asking me how I would feel if we just became friends. She once told me that I've always been like her security blanket and that I've always been there for her. But she also said that maybe those are some of the reasons why she doesn't want to let go of me. I just don't know what to do. I don't know if it's cause she's been having issues with her family or what. I'm just completely lost. I know I don't want to give up. I know I want to keep fighting to keep our relationship alive, but I also know I can't manipulate her mind and she is the only one who could make her own decisions. Hopefully this is a good description to allow for some advice, but if there are any questions, I'd be more than happy to answer them. I'm just glad if I get some helpful advice to handle the situation cause it's driving me crazy!
WhyYesThankYou Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hmmmm.... I'm replying from the point of view of a girl who sometimes wavers between guys. I have my "primary partner" who's lovely and very "safe" and supportive of my dating other people. I do think a lot about why I date these other people, and what they have/do that my primary doesn't - that is, why do I want to date them, and not him exclusively. So. It doesn't sound great that she's feeling 50/50, especially since you've been there and have decided you want to make it all or nothing (which is cool, by the way). It sounds like she's been uncertain about your relationship for a while, so that must be stressful & frustrating for you. I think the best thing, though not the easiest, would be to ask her some really direct questions about the reasons for her doubts. Is she feeling uncertain about being in a relationship generally, or with you in particular? What is it about her relationship with you that she's uncertain about? Is there something about the relationship, or is it something about you? If she's nice and cares about you, she might not be really direct in her answers. It would be hard to say to someone you like, "I don't feel like there's good chemistry here," or "I want to be with someone more ambitious," or whatever might be her real reasons. Or she might like you very much but just not feel like there's enough compatibility for her to stay in a relationship with you and forego the possibility to meet other people. If you're really feeling brave, I think a telling question would be what she liked about the other guy. Were there things she had with him that she doesn't have with you? Maybe she got a taste of that and is missing it with you, and ideally would like to have a relationship in which that missing component is there. If that's the case, perhaps it's something you can bring into your relationship with her. If not, then at least you both know and can move on.
DayDreamer75 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Honestly, when your second half tells you something like this there is only one thing you can do to help her and yourself. Let her go. It does not matter how much you do, she's confused because of her own issues, because she's the one who wants to understand what she wants, and whether she wants you. How old are you? Maybe you both are too young and she feels she has not yet lived her life to the fullest? You sound like a wonderful guy but you can't keep her in this relationship by force... I think you should tell her that you love her a lot but you need a person who loves you as much and who's certain that you are the right one and everything to her. And given that she's confused and she does not know what she wants, it's time for her to go and find out what she really wants. Meanwhile don't run after her, don't beg her... walk away and try to work on yourself... on your life... if you've been giving so much and getting so little back, maybe you'll find out yourself that you are better off without her...
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