Beardy Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hi all, I'll try to be brief, but apologise in advance if this descends into a ramble! It's one week since my girlfriend broke things off. We'd been together for 5 1/2 years, lived together for all but maybe six months of that and had built quite a nice life for eachother. This time last year, I returned on a part-time basis to university following encouragement from my girlfriend. Part of this course involved spending two months overseas. So last week I returned from my two months away, full of excitement to be seeing her again and get back to the good things in my life... only for her to end things at the airport and instead of me returning home to our flat, finding myself back at the parents house. She says she is sorry and that she thinks she doesn't love me anymore. Previously, she's been talking about missing the excitement and thrills of single life. She's also talked about how she hates how little control she has over her life and wants to feel more secure (ironically, I had decided whilst overseas to propose when I returned!). Her family are very controlling and demanding of her, whilst her job requires she works ridiculous hours (although she does love this job). Could she be using this break up to have feelings of control? Is she looking for more security by finding a man ready and able to settle down (I'm currently looking to do a PhD, so I guess money and stability will be tight for a few more years)? I'm trying to accept she doesn't love me anymore, although I don't understand how those feelings change - I can't imagine not being in love with her, let alone not being with her every day. The worst thing is the hope. The hope that she is going to call and take me back. For the first few days after the breakup, I basically drank morning to night and made the terrible mistake of texting and calling. After a good talking to and reading this forum and others, I settled down, apologised and have basically told her that I accept and respect her decision. I've told her that I will always be here in whatever capacity she needs me and hope she finds what she is looking for. I just can't help hoping she will find she's been looking for me! It's been a few days since I left her the message and I'm determined to not communicate unless she comes to me first. Does the non-contact rule work? How do I stop the hope? Am I a complete and utter fool to believe she will ever want me again? Thanks for listening.
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hope was the last energy left in Pandora's box, trapped by the lid being closed. But the box contained all the evils of the world.... Hope was not the one good thing against all the other evils. Hope, was just as Evil...It just did not get anywhere. Hope is Evil. It gets you nowhere. It is false and burns in your heart, consuming common sense and dignity. Banish hope from your heart, and start to live again. _/l\_
marlena Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I think hope is intrinsic. Without it, life becomes unbearable. However, that does not mean you can't move on with your life. You can and should. Once you have done that, you will find that that "dreaded hope" that you speak of will soon take care of itself.
EmperorR Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hope sucks, lucky I've been through a major break up (fiance cheating andn leaving on me), so I don't really have hope left when I'm dumped now. I know people think their situation is totally different, but in reality the similarities are almost the same. Hope in the first few weeks months sucks, you ponder how could someone I talk to every day for months or years suddenly not contact me or care, and you think ah they will, but in reality there not they have already moved on
scootncash Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I believe there are two types of HOPE. True hope does not harm or damage, but it strengthens and helps us to keep faith to make it through. Hope is a part of love for yourself and others. Hope is enduring and brings light into the darkest of all night and the courage to face what needs to be faced and heal the wounded heart. False hope is exactly what it states. False hope is when you continue under the pretense of hoping wishing wanting praying and pleading when the answer has already been given. False hope is ignoring what they act on and instead choose to hear what they say. False hope is deadly and lead the smartest of people to live lies. False hope is ignoring what you already know and continuing to falsely believe above all. False hope is when you refuse to except the truth. I've experienced both and learned the difference. Once you know the difference false hope no longer fills your heart and yes then the truth does set you free.
sn_2000 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I was in a similar situation. Ofcourse, after a month I realized that I did not lover her, so I guess coping with it was easier. You've got to admit to yourself that it's over, and objectively look at your relationship, and tell yourself that she's not going to come back to your life. Again, I can't completely relate because it seems like you're still in love with her, but then again, if this happened recently, you could be confusing your grief with "I can't see myself not loving her".
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I believe there are two types of HOPE. True hope does not harm or damage, but it strengthens and helps us to keep faith to make it through. Hope is a part of love for yourself and others. Hope is enduring and brings light into the darkest of all night and the courage to face what needs to be faced and heal the wounded heart. This IS Faith in action.... False hope is exactly what it states. False hope is when you continue under the pretense of hoping wishing wanting praying and pleading when the answer has already been given. False hope is ignoring what they act on and instead choose to hear what they say. False hope is deadly and lead the smartest of people to live lies. False hope is ignoring what you already know and continuing to falsely believe above all. False hope is when you refuse to except the truth. This is Delusion. _/l\_
Author Beardy Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Thank you all for the advice... if not the comfort! I'm trying not to hope or to understand how a person falls out of love in what was an amazing relationship. I'm just sticking with mates for a while and enjoying some good nights out (although I need to stop drinking to stop feeling - I know that's unhealthy). Plus I've got a dissertation to write at some stage! Still, if she called and asked me back right now I'd buckle! Gah... at least this forum helps and I know many others are walking my shoes. Thanks again.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 AAAhrgh! Not a dissertation! What is your topic, and how many words? My neighbour's son has just completed a 12,000 word dissertation on banking! It was a dreadful task, because every day there has been new information being broadcast on the news, so the goalposts kept moving!! Good luck! *hands-palms-together*
Author Beardy Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Primatology, the time spent abroad mentioned in the first post was used to study baboons in the wild. Great experience, but if it was a choice between that and spending a final two months in her arms... Now I've got a 20,000 word write-up to look forward to... at least it's something to throw myself into. Thanks again for the support.
Loving Too Much Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 It's such a simple word, yet it means so much. What are we without hope? Hope starts thoughts and ideas, and later turns them into reality. I cannot imagine losing sight of hope in my life. Whether its hope for a friend, a dream or someone you love with all your heart, its always important to maintain that small amount of hope. Its what makes good people good, and strong people strong. Someone once told me that it doesnt matter what you believe in, just believe in something. I believe that goes for hope as well. Hope keeps you moving forward, progressing and enabling you to not lose sight of who you are. Don't forget the past, but always hold hope for the future. Never give up hope.
TaraMaiden Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 ....But don't hope so much that your feet leave the ground and you lose touch with reality. 'Building castles in the air' only works if the foundation is solid. _/l\_
Author Beardy Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 Following the advice from another thread on here, I've just left an answer phone message saying that I just need to pick my stuff up so the break can be terminal and as unmessy as possible. I'm still hoping she'll change her mind, you can't turn off hope like you can't turn off love... but at least once I have all my stuff back I can start concentrating on the day-to-day without stressing about when I'm going to have to call her for these items. So, just another six months or so of anguish and having nightmares about her with other men, then I can get back to being normal and find Ms Right.
GorillaTheater Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 So, just another six months or so of anguish and having nightmares about her with other men, then I can get back to being normal and find Ms Right. This is probably the truth, and perhaps you can get some small comfort from the fact that you're dealing with the truth matter-of-factly and with a touch of humo(u)r. It's certainly encouraging to see.
Author Beardy Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 She bloody called. I bloody begged for a reason to end this without even trying councilling or anything like that. She said she woke up two weeks ago (whilst I was out in the jungle a million miles away and our emotions all over the place) and was certain that she had to do this. Now I have to go get my stuff on Saturday. She is insisting on being there because "It's the end of an era". I think she is being cruel and I feel like any healing I've done has been set back. I want to hate her. I want to not feel like this. I don't want her to make a mistake that will ruin two lives. I guess the only way she is going to see that is if I walk off and break ties and hope she misses what we had. I just hope I don't break on Saturday and start pleading again. I don't know how I'll get through it.
scootncash Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Beardy, If you still have hope then do the right thing. If you go over there and start begging for answers, pleading to work it out, you will be convincing her with every breathe you speak that she has done the right thing. It will make you look weak and it only convinces them that this is not the kind of person they want a relationship with. Instead go over there level headed. For now, dont ask why, what for, how come, please cant we, I dont undertand, how could you. Dont do any of that. You have to be strong. You go and be polite. Hold a conversation if you like but dont discuss the breakup, the realtionship, or anything to do with that. If she brings it up smile at her and say you know I think your right. Dont elaborate. Just say you agree for now and then let it go. Then go on about getting your things. Smile and tell her bye and leave. The thing is your not playing a game with this type of reaction. Instead you do two things. In her eyes you appear mature, capable, strong, and APPEALING. These are some of the very things that probably attracted her in the first place. Second, you stand up for yourself and you are strong, you reach a healing milestone. You start putting YOU first. Trust me, if you go over there needy, clingy, and wanting to work it out you will succeed but not the way you want. You will succeed in pushing her further away and possibly taking away all chance of another try later on. If go strong and show that you are capable and mature enough to handle bad situations. Thats attraction factors. It will make her rethink her decision. Im not saying that will make her come back but what I am saying is you'll really give her something to think about and at the same time protecting you and making you the number one priority.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Take somebody with you, ostensibly to help move your stuff. If you start to say anything that you shouldn't (you can clarify with him/her) tell him/her to immediately kick you in the butt. I'm serious!! Really! Just stop you in your tracks! And if she starts, ask your buddy to cut in and say to her: "This isn't the time. You guys want to talk this over, do it on neutral ground and away from here. And not in front of people you know!" At times like these, when you know that morally and emotionally, you are in a weak place, sometimes it helps to have a level-headed influence. But don't make him/her take sides. It should be neutral and impartial attitude this friend has, not to make judgements.
Author Beardy Posted May 13, 2009 Author Posted May 13, 2009 Cool shakes. The best thing about this forum is that it tells you what you already know, but hammers it home. On the phone, I asked her to not try and close her heart to me. I know her, she's stubborn and if she's made a decision (something as I've said, she rarely does), she wants to see it through. I think one of two things is happening here: a) She never felt the love I feel for her. If she did, maybe she would have tried to make the relationship work once I got back from overseas, at least for a little while. If this is the case, it's over. Full stop. b) She is confused, needs space and time to work out what she's doing. The problem is, if it is this, then she's going to work so hard to close her heart from me. I think it's the former. My rational head does anyway. And my rational head tells me the result of either situation is that I have to walk away and focus on myself. Something that is repeated on here all the time but bears repeating. After 5 1/2 years together, when do you break NC? I know she'll be in touch with me because she wants to stay friends, but it's going to take me a long time to cope with that.
TaraMaiden Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 You break No contact when you are absolutely completely ready. When you can see her and your heart does not leap into your throat. Well, when will that be? That is up to you. But one thing is certain. It is not up to her. There is a poster on here caled Caliguy. You need to find his profile, or a post and read the links in his signature. They are extremely wise, and will answer every question you have about going No Contact. I recommend it. Good Luck to you. I wish you well. _/l\_ hands-palms-together
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