DayDreamer75 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Helpppppppp... this is one of those periods when he feels that he can't get out of the couch and this just simply drives me nuts . He spent the whole weekend on the couch watching TV. I can't stand watching TV, so when he's usually like this I just go out with my mom. But am I doing the right thing? Unfortunately, I know that this is a very common problem. So, what are the other women doing when their hubbies just want to lay on the couch all day long and do nothing?
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Your own thing. Any anger issues are your problems not his. if you have a problem with what he does, talk it over with him. But you see, he is not stopping you doing what you want. Does he resent your going out? Is he glad you seem to go out independently and enjoy yourself? When the actions of one person reflect upon the relationship negatively, it is time to communicate. If he never contributes anything to the running of the home at all, then your decision is whether to tolerate it, accept it or protest. but do not complain to others, yet do nothing in the situation to talk things over. _/l\_
Author DayDreamer75 Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 I appreciate your feedback. If you reread my post I was not complaining to others about him. In fact I was talking about myself who can't stand TV and is going nuts . What makes you think I have not talked to him about this over the years? I have. In fact I don't expect him to change. I don't ask for this. I was simply trying to understand what I could do in such cases to make it better for me, based on experiences of other people. I agree with you completely, people should live their lives as they wish. So if he wants to stay on the couch all day long, it's his right. Thanks again.
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'm sorry, I did not wish to appear presumptuous or critical... permit me to expand. check this thread, Page 2, Post #21..... That is my situation.... So that was the angle I was coming from....
Author DayDreamer75 Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 oh Tara, I definitely misunderstood your reply to me. I read your post and it made me cry. I understand what you're going through and I agree with you nobody can understand but you the reasons why you are in it. Sometimes I also wonder if I am better off alone or with him. But based on everything he gives me I guess I could consider myself very lucky. It's the things that he does not give me that make me feel sad. But I walk over these things and try not to think of them after all I have a man who's sweat, loyal, intelligent, accepting, listening, who cares for me when I am ill or sad . And I, like you wait for the day when either he or I will change... Did not somebody say that a long-term marriage is made of many marriages between the same 2 people but between their different identities?
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Life unfolds. There is no predictability. At the moment, my father is in hospital and quite ill... he is 88. My mother - his carer, his wife - is 77 and working hard to be of comfort to him, both morally and physically. She washes him every day, and as his problem is intestinal, all too often has a great deal of mess to clear up too. But she does this willingly. He is her husband and partner, and they have been together for 55 years..... I believe he was unfaithful to her in their marriage. it caused a rift and my mother ledt home for a short while, but they decided to work things out together, because they both felt that their relationship had too many plus-points to simply end it over an indiscretion. besides, they did love each other, and my mother apparently saw the situation as one that through her input, she was partially responsible for. my point here is, could you see yourself doing the same for him? Does the thought of having to clean up his incontinence, when he can barely move, repel you? .....Of course, the other side is that, if you were severely ill, would he be there for you? While (in Buddhism) we are encouraged to live in the Present, nothing prevents us from using the Past as a tool by which to learn, through experience, or from considering the possibilities of a future situation, in order to put the Present into perspective.... I know I would cope better with illness than my partner. I can see myself by his side to help him. he relies entirely on me for guidance and support. he has been with different partners before... his last was for 10 years. yet he feels nothing for her, whereas he tells me that if anything were to separate us,he knows he would never stop loving me. So while yes, I am the complete do-er in this relationship, my "reward" if you will, is to know that he is dependent on me for my love, support and constancy. I nourish him in ways he has never known. He works from home, I go to the office. I have to leave very early in the morning. Sometimes before 07.00. He tells me that even in his sleep, he can feel the difference between my being in the home, and after I leave. (I think, subliminally he knows when I go... he is semi-asleep, and probably hears the door close, although I try to be quiet.... ) And he hates to be without me. You see, in short, we have to understand the myriad different ways in which we benfit from one another as people. people need to be resilient and work hard for a relationship to flourish. Sometimes, I feel it is all one-sided, give and take - I give he takes. But this is really, not so. I am sorry, I did not mean to make this thread about me, but as a middle-aged woman, I have had some experience in life, and have learnt to see things from more perspectives than maybe someone younger than I. I think you might be younger.... I could be wrong. But I hope you can expand your perception to maybe look at the bigger picture and be open with him. Discuss openly what you feel is your stumbling block, and make your feelings known....it's what will carry you through. _/l\_
voldigicam Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Stereo headphones. I put on stereo headphones and pop onto pandora.com. Then I'm still next to her but I don't have to watch crap. My own little world of computer and books. Eventually I go out and have fun on my bike or something more exotic. But the headphones will work for quite a while.
Windy27 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Helpppppppp... this is one of those periods when he feels that he can't get out of the couch and this just simply drives me nuts . He spent the whole weekend on the couch watching TV. I can't stand watching TV, so when he's usually like this I just go out with my mom. But am I doing the right thing? Unfortunately, I know that this is a very common problem. So, what are the other women doing when their hubbies just want to lay on the couch all day long and do nothing? Do you have kids? Pets? What does he do for living? What about you?
Author DayDreamer75 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 no, we don't have kids or pets. We both work in the IT field. He has his own business. During the week he works very long hours. Thanks for asking.
mark982 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 agree with jackjack. has he been checked? i'm going through same crap except her's is the recliner.
Author DayDreamer75 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 hi guys... thanks for your great insight. I don't think he suffers of depression. We actually do a lot of things together. I guess the title of my post was incorrect. Always meant for this weekend. We do usually go out at least once a week and we came back from our holidays on Tuesday. My question was simply how do you people deal with those days when he just wants to hang on the couch and do nothing else . It's simply because I am different. I hate TV and I don't like sitting on the couch. I love being always active. But I do understand and acknowledge that not everybody is and can be like me especially given the age. I am 34. He's 37. Thanks again
EnigmasMuse Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I would say if he treats you well in all other areas of your relationship, which it seems you said he does...then I would just embrace your differences. He likes to relax on the couch and do nothing sometimes..you do not...its ok! When he wants to just sit and you don't...then I'm sure you're able to find you something else to do, like a hobby or something.
manugeorge Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 hi guys... thanks for your great insight. I don't think he suffers of depression. We actually do a lot of things together. I guess the title of my post was incorrect. Always meant for this weekend. We do usually go out at least once a week and we came back from our holidays on Tuesday. My question was simply how do you people deal with those days when he just wants to hang on the couch and do nothing else . It's simply because I am different. I hate TV and I don't like sitting on the couch. I love being always active. But I do understand and acknowledge that not everybody is and can be like me especially given the age. I am 34. He's 37. Thanks again If you are both *naturally* active people but you only recently have noticed this change in him, then as everyone has said, it could be depression. Talk to him about the change you've noticed and ask him what's gong on. However, if he is naturally a couch potato and you are frustrated that he is not active, then you are in for an uphill battle here. Some people are just as content on that couch as you are climbing mountains or bungie jumping. It's called acceptance and compromise, meaning, he'll agree to get off the couch once in a while to accompany you on your pursuits, and the rest of the time, you either let him stay on the couch NON-grudgingly or join him.
Enema Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 He sounds perfectly normal: - Works long hours - Does things with you during the week - Some weekends just wants to relax Maybe you should think about why you have to monopolize his spare time, or why it upsets you that he likes things you don't.
shoesies05 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 take up a new hobby that maybe is less active- like puzzles? i dunno, i personlly hate puzzles but many people love them. that way you can still be with him spending time while he watches tv. or read- whatever works for you. but deff. still go out and do things when you feel like it. guys need their "me time" as well.
Windy27 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 hi guys... thanks for your great insight. I don't think he suffers of depression. We actually do a lot of things together. I guess the title of my post was incorrect. Always meant for this weekend. We do usually go out at least once a week and we came back from our holidays on Tuesday. My question was simply how do you people deal with those days when he just wants to hang on the couch and do nothing else . It's simply because I am different. I hate TV and I don't like sitting on the couch. I love being always active. But I do understand and acknowledge that not everybody is and can be like me especially given the age. I am 34. He's 37. Thanks again Oh, com'on, get over it. It's not like he is clubbing and sleeping with other woman. It's not like he sit on the couch and smoke crack. It's not like he is sittong on the couch and cuddle with another woman.
Recommended Posts