notalone Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 My ex-bf started posting lovey-dovey pics of himself with new girl on facebook 10 days after he dumped me. What makes this more confusing is that the reason for break-up was that his parents did not approve of our relationship. It had nothing to do with his own feelings for me...or so he said. We were also best mates for years before the relationship started. Two and half months on, I still wake up at night with a thumping heart and a longing to turn back time. He, in the meantime, is dedicating songs to her in his status message space. Am I an idiot?
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 That depends. What do you think you are an idiot about? checking up on him? Resentment? Not seeing any red flags? if you wish to recover from the fact that he is now out of your life, you have to make sure you do absolutely nothing that would permit him to come back into it. _/i\_
Nuala83 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 SNAP! So did mine! Actually he changed his myspace status to single two days before we broke up, said it didn't mean anything then dumped me. He swore blind there wasn't anyone else but it just seems kinda strange to me that within days of us breaking up, photos of him (there must have been around 40 photos) with another girl started appearing on his facebook. Then constant messages to each other started appearing. Then he started mentioning her on his f***ing wordpress and saying how bloody happy he was. People can be cruel heartless tactless heartless deceitful little s***s at times can't they. He now refers to her as his best friend. They've known each other for 5 months tops. I've known him 9 years and dated him for almost 8! You are not an idiot. I would take his reasons for the breakup with a pinch of salt. It seems unlikely that he would break up with you because his parents didn't approve of the relationship. People are often dishonest about their real reasons for wanting to break up. I think they do it to try to convinve themselves they're not a bad person.
WTRanger Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 It's not that easy for the other person. The reason they are going so public is to try to prove to the world that they are OK. When in reality, at night when everything is quiet they are hurting. They can't even stand to look at themselves in the mirror. Deep down they are hurting so they put on this act to try to convince the world and hopefully convince themselves that they are not hurting inside. This is the same tactic a lot of people do for various situations, not just relationships. The guy in the bar bragging about his tour in Iraq, probably didn't see any combat. In fact, the closest he probably got to real combat was when he watched in on CNN in the air conditioned tent where he was staying. He's just recounting stories he's HEARD not experienced. The more public this guy is, the more he's hurting. Don't buy into it. He's trying to make you jealous in hoping that you think he's so over you. Which is why he's so out there with this new girl. He knows you are looking at his Facebook page, so STOP LOOKING AT IT. I have a good friend who recently went through a divorce. He's all posting pictures on Facebook with his new girl, but in real life he's hurting. But he knows his ex-wife checks his Facebook page, so it's a front. That's it. Smoke and mirrors.
westernxer Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Why haven't you deleted him from your friends list?
flash582 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 People will always find some way to justify their actions to themselves ... ignore it ... he'll figure out that he lost the best thing to happen to him, but way too late. To answer your question ... why does it seem so easy for him? Because he doesn't give a sh_t about you, that's why. You have to think of it this way ... he made the decision to fall out of love with you long before he broke up with you. You have a longer path to travel ....
EmperorR Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 People will always find some way to justify their actions to themselves ... ignore it ... he'll figure out that he lost the best thing to happen to him, but way too late. To answer your question ... why does it seem so easy for him? Because he doesn't give a sh_t about you, that's why. You have to think of it this way ... he made the decision to fall out of love with you long before he broke up with you. You have a longer path to travel .... Yep, by emotionally detaching weeks or months in advance the feelings for you are gone so it means nothing to him.
writergal Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I was going to write a similar post about my ex-boyfriend asking, "why is it so easy for him?" when I am still emotionally attached to him since the break-up. 1 month ago I had re-initiated contact with him (big mistake, I know). We chatted on the phone and exchanged a few texts. The few times he invited me over (we never went anywhere public on our "dates") to his apt. to "hang out" he tried to get physical with me. Then 2 weeks ago, he invited me over to his apt., and this time, I let things progress to the bedroom, because he said everything I wanted to hear. Then the next morning, he changed his mind, and said he couldn't commit to a relationship with me, and that if I "got a better offer from another man, "I should take it. He compared me to having a bad case of hives. He was dressed in his cycling clothes the morning he dumped me a 2nd time, insisting that he needed to leave immediately after he told me he wasn't interested, b/c he had to train on his bicycle. So, I didn't even get a chance to react. I called him the next day to talk about it, and he yelled at me on the phone, "I already told you I am sorry I hurt you. What more do you want from me? You can't change me!" Last night I was visiting a classmate who lives in the same apt. building as my ex-boyfriend. I knew he was home but hoped to god our paths wouldn't cross. I refuse to avoid visiting my classmate just b/c my ex lives in her apt. building. Well, fate "kicked me in the face" last night because as my classmate and I were leaving her apt. to go out for dinner, my ex-boyfriend was also leaving his apt... He walked a few feet behind us, carrying a bottle of wine. He yelled, "Hey" to me and caught up to us as we walked down the stairs. He asked how I was, and all I could do was mumble, "fine, thanks." I really had to restrain myself from over-reacting because I was with my classmate, although she knows the whole story. I really wanted to scream at my ex-boyfriend, but I stayed silent. Why does my ex yell to get my attention last night when he is the one who coldly rejected me for a 2nd TIME 2 weeks ago?! Especially if he was going on a date (I made that assumption from seeing him carry a wine bottle). I don't think he's hurting about me at all. Was his superficial "Hey!" to get my attention just all smoke and mirrors? He didn't have to walk in our direction, since his car was parked in the front of the apt. building and my classmate's was parked in the back. So that part makes no sense to me at all. I feel like a complete idiot. Why? Why do I care about someone who is uncommunicative and shallow who doesn't even like me? I'm nearly 40 and in graduate school so my dating options are really limited. I feel like a complete loser. Like I have nothing of value to offer any man. I feel like, my love life is a hopeless situation.
joybean72 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I'm with everyone else....STOP HURTING YOURSELF BY LOOKING AT IT! ((((((((((((((Hug)))))))))))))))
flash582 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I feel like a complete idiot. Why? Why do I care about someone who is uncommunicative and shallow who doesn't even like me? I'm nearly 40 and in graduate school so my dating options are really limited. I feel like a complete loser. Like I have nothing of value to offer any man. I feel like, my love life is a hopeless situation. Because we always want what we just can't have and you have tied your self image to this break up. Move on ... You're better than this and you deserve better.
writergal Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 But why did he try to get my attention walking down the hall? That's what I don't understand. He's the one who dumped me twice now. So, when he was leaving his apt., why didn't he just go down the front steps of the building to where his car was parked. He went out of his way to the back of the building, when he saw me walking with my classmate to the back stairwell. I just feel confused all over again. I don't want to avoid visiting my classmate at her apt. just b/c my ex-boyfriend lives there, either. How do I cope with last night's encounter? I want to call him to talk to him. Should I?
Nuala83 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Deleted him as a friend on facebook Deleted my facebook completely Deleted him as a friend on MySpace Put a block on his blog so I wont be tempted to look Deleted him as a messenger contact... ...and blocked him Removed his number from my phone ...and blocked it too That's modern break ups for you. In this day and age of being able to contact anyone anywhere at any time it becomes really hard to detach yourself completely from the person you need to detach yourself from the most. Good advice people. Thanks
EmperorR Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Deleted him as a friend on facebook Deleted my facebook completely Deleted him as a friend on MySpace Put a block on his blog so I wont be tempted to look Deleted him as a messenger contact... ...and blocked him Removed his number from my phone ...and blocked it too That's modern break ups for you. In this day and age of being able to contact anyone anywhere at any time it becomes really hard to detach yourself completely from the person you need to detach yourself from the most. Good advice people. Thanks Excellent, I'm honestly thinking of changing my number, im sick of getting jittery when it rings etc.
Kamille Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Why haven't you deleted him from your friends list? Word. Delete him Notalone. Block him from all your email and messenger accounts. There is no reason why this man should still be in your contact list. And worrying about what he will think is not an excuse. When you are healed, over him, and no longer waking up with a thumping feeling in your heart, then you can consider reinstating him as a friend. My guess is you won't be interested. But why did he try to get my attention walking down the hall? That's what I don't understand. He's the one who dumped me twice now. So, when he was leaving his apt., why didn't he just go down the front steps of the building to where his car was parked. He went out of his way to the back of the building, when he saw me walking with my classmate to the back stairwell. I just feel confused all over again. I don't want to avoid visiting my classmate at her apt. just b/c my ex-boyfriend lives there, either. How do I cope with last night's encounter? I want to call him to talk to him. Should I? As much as I understand not wanting to change your life because of some jerk idiot, avoid visiting your classmate at her apartment until you feel more anchored. Ask your friend to come over to your place or to meet you in town. It's really not that hard. And the reason why he said hi? Because he's got nothing to lose. The reason he's got nothing to lose? Because he isn't invested in you anymore. And it likely assuages his guilt to be friendly with you.
fairycake Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 But why did he try to get my attention walking down the hall? That's what I don't understand. He's the one who dumped me twice now. So, when he was leaving his apt., why didn't he just go down the front steps of the building to where his car was parked. He went out of his way to the back of the building, when he saw me walking with my classmate to the back stairwell. I just feel confused all over again. I don't want to avoid visiting my classmate at her apt. just b/c my ex-boyfriend lives there, either. How do I cope with last night's encounter? I want to call him to talk to him. Should I? Some people just love to know you want them and that's why this ex is still talking to you cos it boasts his ego and he gets to keep you in the background if he at any point wants your company or no-strings sex. Do not phone him, he's made it clear he doesn't want the relationship so best thing you can do is to cut off all contact, delete numbers, social networking sites etc. He'll prob try even more for your attention once you do this but only for his own selfish reasons so stay strong and make it clear you don't wish to have any friendship (let alone be his f*** buddy) with someone who treats you that way. You can't turn off your feelings for him but you can feel like less of a 'loser' by refusing to allow him to use you and trample over your feelings.
Nikki Sahagin Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Sometimes they detatch in advance... Sometimes they didn't love you in the first place... Sometimes they do genuinely just get feelings that quickly for someone new... Usually people that are constantly updating about their life's are out to prove something. "Look how much fun i'm having". "Look how happy I am". "Look how much money I have". "Look how hot my girlfriend is". "Look how perfect my life is". Its rarely true. Its hard to judge though. Some people just love to celebrate their life's....others are boastful. Its easy to cross the line from one to the other. Either way, don't let it be your concern. If he got over it so quickly, then why do you want to be with him anyway? Once you can get some emotion out of the way, think rationally...why would you want to be with someone who's emotions can't run as deep as yours? Its worse when they detatch before you...which I believe my ex did (can't be sure). But how YOU cope is not a competition. If he is coping better - it doesn't matter. Its about YOU for now, not him. Don't look at anything to do with him. Its the last plaster to rip off...but you feel better. I kept him a little longer on my facebook this time....but everytime I went on I felt anxious. We still have mutual friends and I worry i'll come across something from him but i'm not deleting friends because of that...nor am I getting rid of my account when I do enjoy facebook. I will cope with that as and when. I am sure I will hear/see something as some point. He only lives a road away. But what is important is US, not them.
Author notalone Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Can I just say how much I love this forum??? This is a godsend. To Writegal, Dont bother with the jerk. All he wants is his ego boosted and maybe a couple of f***s in the bargain. Sad but true. To Everyone curious about why have not I deleted him from friend-list, Sheer pride. Did not want to acknowledge the fact that I am bothered by his fantastic life. I am only losing my sanity in the proces...no big deal. Hah!
LadyV Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Deleted him as a friend on facebook Deleted my facebook completely Deleted him as a friend on MySpace Put a block on his blog so I wont be tempted to look Deleted him as a messenger contact... ...and blocked him Removed his number from my phone ...and blocked it too That's modern break ups for you. In this day and age of being able to contact anyone anywhere at any time it becomes really hard to detach yourself completely from the person you need to detach yourself from the most. Good advice people. Thanks This is EXACTLY what I did....He doesn't have a myspace, and even if he did, I won't search for it!!! I asked HIM to block ME from FB! He did. Thank goodness, but that didn't stop me. I used one of my many email accounts to check his...to find out that yes, on FB, he had a date planned with a girl that I had been keeping my eye on... I closed all my email accounts, and opened a new one that he doesn't have. I blocked his number through my cell company, he can't text or call me. I'm glad too because I too would be sitting here jumping every single time the phone would ring, or alert me with a text. I have not been by his site at all!!! Nor hers!!!! Time I get this guy out of my system!!! I'm determined to moved on...that is exactly what I want to do!!!
thegoodlife Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Why haven't you deleted him from your friends list? Exactly! As much as your thoughts will linger and wonder and want to check-up on him, you're only slowing your healing process down. Delete him and worry about yourself, NOT what he is doing, or at least 'proclaiming' for the world to see. That most likely is a front, I have several immature friends who have done that just to kinda get that little extra attention and ego blow to the ex. Like I said, they're immature, and you don't need to involve yourself in that drama!!
MinziGirl Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Sorry to say, they don't tell the truth when they are cheating and will always say you are the only one even when they are about to tear your heart out. Action speaks louder than words.
flash582 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 But why did he try to get my attention walking down the hall? That's what I don't understand. He's the one who dumped me twice now. So, when he was leaving his apt., why didn't he just go down the front steps of the building to where his car was parked. He went out of his way to the back of the building, when he saw me walking with my classmate to the back stairwell. I just feel confused all over again. I don't want to avoid visiting my classmate at her apt. just b/c my ex-boyfriend lives there, either. How do I cope with last night's encounter? I want to call him to talk to him. Should I? NO ...... You should NOT call him. Why hurt yourself further? You've heard it twice now, his mind is made up. But, by the way, he'll still take a booty call if your willing, that's why he was being nice to you.
flash582 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 This is EXACTLY what I did....He doesn't have a myspace, and even if he did, I won't search for it!!! I asked HIM to block ME from FB! He did. Thank goodness, but that didn't stop me. I used one of my many email accounts to check his...to find out that yes, on FB, he had a date planned with a girl that I had been keeping my eye on... I closed all my email accounts, and opened a new one that he doesn't have. I blocked his number through my cell company, he can't text or call me. I'm glad too because I too would be sitting here jumping every single time the phone would ring, or alert me with a text. I have not been by his site at all!!! Nor hers!!!! Time I get this guy out of my system!!! I'm determined to moved on...that is exactly what I want to do!!! FANTASTIC! .... you have chosen the right path, grasshopper. You have taken POSITIVE action to gain control of your life back. I know that nothing felt as empowering to me as when I shut off our Joint credit cards after she split (she called the next day to bitch too). You DESERVE better. You are Special and worthy of loving and being loved. This problem is THEIR problem, not your problem. You just happened to get involved with a selfish person who doesn't care about you or your feelings. Things get so much easier once you get that ... it's their problem, not a problem with you.
LadyV Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 THANK YOU!!!! Today is day 8 NC!!! Well, something crazy did happen last night....I posted on one of the other threads: I have my XBF Sister on my FB. My XBF had blocked me as per MY request...I'm glad too, because I couldn't see anything he was posting on his sister's site, or comments to her status either. I did ask him to block me because it is so easy for me to unblock him, check his site, then block him again. I wanted that taken away from me, so he agreed. Although he said he hated to...whatever. It didn't stop me, I set up a fake account and looked at his FB and yeah, and in all honesty, I really wasn't surprised to see him fliting with and talking to an old friend...then I found out that they had plans to go out on a date. That is when it was all done for me..NO MORE. All the WALLS/BLOCKS/DELETIONS WENT UP! I have always kept in touch with his sister, we have never met in person, and plan on to this summer. She lives in another state. I dont' ask questions, nor does she. We keep it about us, and the kids and about a business venture she is currently taking. Well, had commented on a photo of mine. I went by her site and wanted to say hello, and left her a comment on her status. I am soon alerted on my phone that "XBF had also commented on SISTER'S Status." I thought to myself, WTF??? I go back by, and low and behold. Now he is visible. Just his comments, I can't click his profile, (Nor do I want to waste my time), and also I can't see a picture, just the sillouette. I am not tryin gto read into it, but he was making a comment to me, really saying something negative about his sister. They have that kind of joking relationship. I commented and said, "Wow, I'm not getting into this one!" But deleted it as soon as I the page refreshed because I didn't want him to think I was trying to talk to him. Then another alert came...He called me a chicken, so he did think I was talking to him. I could have written back, but I am not going to play his game. I have his email blocked, and will really watch the comments I make to his sister. I am NOT opening that door. It has messed with me a little bit today, but I am keeping my guard up...and as each day, feeling stronger. It makes me wonder, did he unblock me, I don't care!!! Or is he making his presense known? I thought about puttin my site to private, but throught, NO, why should I have to be the one to hide who I am....I am not going to. I am staying off his site and not going down that road, and NOT going to give him any reason to think that I want to talk to him again. Because I don't!!!!
bobbyjohannah Posted May 23, 2009 Posted May 23, 2009 Honestly delete him. You need to swallow your pride and delete him off your friend list, it was hard for me to do it, but you're only torturing yourself by not doing it. It keeps him on your mind then if you see pictures of him all the time, especially with someone else. You are now his ex, so you have the right to be able to not care what he thinks, he obviously doesn't care about your thoughts judging from the way he has acted. His actions are wrong and I have been through exactly the same kind of situation, we broke up with him cheating on me, but we tried to sort things out but he said I need to be single to deal with this by myself, I haven't been single in 5 years blah blah, 2 weeks later he's hooking up with some girl and holding hands with her all over facebook and he's still with her to this day. They're just not worth it, it will take time but you will get to a stage, where although it is an annoyance, it doesn't hurt the way it used to.
iBelieve In Symmetry Posted May 24, 2009 Posted May 24, 2009 He knows you are looking at his Facebook page, so STOP LOOKING AT IT. Listen to Ranger. I did the same thing, except with her (my ex's) MySpace. She knows I looked at it all the time. I don't know what was going through HER head. She did certainly hurt me, and I'm sure she knows that. She added the guy she cheated on me with for 6 months, and posts all these hints about how happy she is. I don't know if she's trying to prove to me she's doing great, trying to get me to miss her, or what.. but I'll tell you what she's doing and it's PUSHING ME AWAY. If she thinks this is making me miss her more, long for her more, or anything of that nature she's wrong. It's just making me hate her more, and regret my time with her more. She has pushed me over the edge, I deleted my blog and I'm going to try my damn hardest not to go on MySpace anymore. Though, I didn't delete my MySpace. This is something I thought about doing but I'm not going to, in case I'm going to regret it months from now. I'm just going to stop signing on to it and checking hers. I put on my about me, "Be back in a long time." to tell her (if she even goes on mine), that I'm not never getting back on, so she won't delete me. This is just my 'security' side, though, thinking about the future. In case someday a year+ from now, I'm ready to see how she's doing. But part of me wants to forget her completely, and NEVER talk to her again. Put her completely behind me. A little drop of advice, though. Don't do what he's doing. If he's posting pictures with other women, etc etc. DON'T DO THE SAME. Revenge is not what you should be doing while you're weak. If you want them to miss you in the future, don't do this. Because right now they're making you go through all this ****, and you're just going to hate them for it. But if you don't do this, in the future after all this is over and something goes wrong in their lives their, they're just going to go back to you because you didn't hurt them. Meh... I don't think I'm explaining this right but I hope you get the idea.
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