WhyYesThankYou Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hi all, My question is about how to indicate availability without looking like I'm chasing the other person. There's been a lot of talk on here recently about how girls need to show that they're interested so that guys will feel confident in approaching, asking for dates, etc. My male friends tell me that sometimes I'm too reserved and come off aloof or disinterested, but then when I do try and show some interest, I guess I'm doing something wrong because I end up scaring guys off or for whatever reason ending their "pursuit." So how do I manage that dance of availability? My current specific situation is, there's this guy who I knew and hung out with a while ago (10+ years), and I'll spare you the backstory, but we've gotten back in touch. He lives in the US, and I'm down here in the Southern Hemisphere (with the sheep and the hobbits). He's been emailing me, calling me, wanting to talk on Skype (which we finally did recently), and saying he wants to meet up in person. Now, anyone can say they want to meet up in person. I don't know if he's being serious or just being polite or having fun or what. He said at one point that he'd really like an invitation to come and visit me, so I replied that since I'm self-employed, it's not too hard for me to take time off work to play tour guide. And I said he should consider himself issued a standing invitation. Both during and after the Skype chat, he made references to wanting to meet up in person. I just sent him a message saying that I agreed, that would be nice, and that XYZ Airlines has some really great specials going at the moment for flights down here. Anyone have any views on this specific situation - is what I'm saying clear enough that I'm saying, "Yes, please, I want to see you, come and visit me" ? And/or any advice on generally how to balance showing a welcoming, receptive level of interest without overtly chasing guys and looking too easy or desperate?
BentSpine Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 then when I do try and show some interest, I guess I'm doing something wrong because I end up scaring guys off or for whatever reason ending their "pursuit."People are different and not everyone will value that which you have to offer. Many (most?) won't take you up on your offer. But then again, a few WILL appreciate what you have to offer. Some won't realise they value you immediately, because they have their laundry list of what they think are must-have traits and what you offer isn't on the list. Yet. But once they get used to you and start missing you when you're not around, their will realise how much you mean to them and they'll start pursuing you. So when you understand why rejection will happen most of the times, you automatically understand why acceptance will eventually happen as well: they both happen because people hold different qualities dearest to them.
BentSpine Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 My male friends tell me that sometimes I'm too reserved and come off aloof or disinterested,I'm beginning to believe them...
Author WhyYesThankYou Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I'm beginning to believe them... Haha!! Okay, now we're talking! You've brought my dilemma to life! I saw your reply, and to me it seemed kind of - well - final, like you were saying something as a one-way reply, and I didn't really get a sense you were expecting or inviting a response. So I just took what you had to say on board and moved on. (I also noticed that no one else replied, so I thought... "Gee, my question must suck, at least for this forum.") But okay, back to what you wrote. I found it surprising because it's contrary to what I usually hear about guys' interest in women. (Noting again your caveat that not everyone is the same.) The prevailing wisdom is that guy meets girl, and if guy is interested, he pursues pursues pursues until he "gets her" (whatever that means for that guy). Is what you're saying that guy meets girl; guy goes, "Okay;" guy walks away; guy later goes, "Actually... she was kind of cute/nice/interesting. I think I like her," and THEN he pursues? And what if she's gotten the message that he's not interested (because he walked away!) and so she turns around and walks away so as not to look like a desperate idiot? Also I've heard back from the guy up in the US, but if I go into that right now, this reply might get overwhelmingly long...
BentSpine Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Thanks for your reply and no, I don't judge your question: if the question is honest, then it's worth taking seriously.The prevailing wisdom is that guy meets girl, and if guy is interested, he pursues pursues pursues until he "gets her" (whatever that means for that guy).If a man over time is consistently pursuing only one woman then it's because he finds her special. But he likely will need to connect with the woman AND find her pretty before he begins pursuing hard. Both things can happen if you regurlarly meet up with like minded people. You will grow on them.Is what you're saying that guy meets girl; guy goes, "Okay;" guy walks away; guy later goes, "Actually... she was kind of cute/nice/interesting. I think I like her," and THEN he pursues?Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. Except that the physical part takes longer. I suspect it may take as much as thirty meetings for a nice/interesting but average looking woman to turn her pretty in his eyes. And what if she's gotten the message that he's not interested (because he walked away!) and so she turns around and walks away so as not to look like a desperate idiot?If time flies when they talk, why wouldn't she appreciate those meetings just as they are? And if a relationship later materialises, then great!
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