DollWelch Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 The last 1 or 2 threads by me, haven't made much sense in terms of what has been really going on in my dating scene. I am very nervous right now, because I feel like I should be honest about why I have been asking, confusing and unusual questions about men and dating. I want to get this out in the open because, quite frankly, it has been bothering me for a long time. First off, the stalker-ish man I mentioned in one of my other threads -well -I truly have developed romantic feelings towards him. He's been a great friend, encouraging and supporting me through many things I have been dealing with in my life. So, I don't want to lose him. Ever since the stalking thing happened I stopped talking to him. Then just recently I started talking to him, but not very often. I miss him, terribly. I noticed in the last 3-4 months, he's changed quite a bit. He's not the man I used to know; his not as fun and understanding as he once was. On top of all this, he lives on the other side of the country. He's (30) a couple of years older than I am -and he's not financially and career-wise stable. I'm not either. He and I could be homeless together! Wouldn't that be fun! I'd also like to visit, and spend leisurely time with him, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about it. Not only that, he's mentioned before that he's had a crush on me for a long time -but I'm not certain if he still feels the same. And, to make matters slightly more worrisome for me, he's athiest and I'm not, he's vegan and I'm not, and he's genuinely talented doing something completely different than what he is doing right now. I have convinced him to pursue that talent, which he's working towards, but hasn't gone all the way with his efforts and potential just yet. In addition, his zodiac sign is completely incompatible with mine. I am stuck. I want to have a special bond with him, more than the one we have now, or maybe even tell him how I feel. But I don't know. I'm scared. Am I wrong to think anything is going to happen between he and I? What should I do? What is he thinking? I'd appreciate any feedback.
paddington bear Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I had a quick look at your other threads. Is this the same guy that accused you of stalking him??? I'm presuming so. You now say you are friends - but he lives on the other side of the country. Were you friends as in, hanging out together doing stuff friends, or 'friends' as in you sent emails to one another etc? You also mention that he's not the man you knew before, that he's changed. I hate to say this, but I think you are in an imaginary relationship with this guy. You're considering how compatible you are with him or not right now as if you are in a position to decide whether to go for it or not with him. But you are not in this position, it would be appropriate if you were dating him, or he'd taken the level of the relationship up a notch or two, but you guys are friends, and friends who are no longer as close as they were. You know this much, you miss him, you want to spend more time with him and you want him as your boyfriend. However, what does he want? Maybe it was great for him to have you there to listen to his problems, to encourage him in his life and so on, but he doesn't want more than that - could be that he's dating some other girl wherever it is he lives, who knows? It actually doesn't matter why he's not as fun and understanding as he once was, just the fact that he is not as he used to be. I'm totally guessing here, but maybe he's become more distant because he knows you want more and is pulling away from you because for whatever reason he doesn't want to give more. I've been there, and I've subtly pushed a guy into spending time with me, dealing with me, talking to me, having me in his life and all it does is shove the guy in question further away. And sure you miss him, when someone you care about and who was in your life is no longer there the way they used to be, of course you miss them and try to figure out a way to get things back to the way they were before. However, (and I'm repeating this again!) he's pulled back from you - take note of that, it's important. If he wanted to keep up lots of contact, he would be doing that. You can try to change this, you can try to make him hang out with you more, to talk to you more, but but realise that it might not work and then you'll feel silly for putting so much time and effort into getting a man who was 'un-gettable' in the first place. Best to probably allow him the space he needs, if he misses you too, he will get in touch and contact you, will ask to see you and spend time with you - I know it's frustrating, I know you want to feel like you have the power to change circumstances that you are unhappy with, but when you're dealing with another person with their own issues and emotions, sometimes you simply can't make things be the way you want them to be. In the meantime get out and try to meet other men. Thing is, I've been in imaginary relationships on numerous occassions, your head is all-consumed by this one guy that you're close to, but not close enough, you fret about them and how they feel about you, you analyse everything, your heart leaps when they call you and you're depressed when they don't. All these intense emotional ups and downs for a man who is only a friend! It's wasted energy better spent on someone else who wants you more than as a friend. Also, thinking so much about this guy doesn't leave you free to notice that in fact, there are other guys out there in the world, ones that do want you in their lives. Hope you don't think I'm being too harsh in this reply - it's not intended to be so.
Bells Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 The last 1 or 2 threads by me, haven't made much sense in terms of what has been really going on in my dating scene. I am very nervous right now, because I feel like I should be honest about why I have been asking, confusing and unusual questions about men and dating. I want to get this out in the open because, quite frankly, it has been bothering me for a long time. First off, the stalker-ish man I mentioned in one of my other threads -well -I truly have developed romantic feelings towards him. He's been a great friend, encouraging and supporting me through many things I have been dealing with in my life. So, I don't want to lose him. Ever since the stalking thing happened I stopped talking to him. Then just recently I started talking to him, but not very often. I miss him, terribly. I noticed in the last 3-4 months, he's changed quite a bit. He's not the man I used to know; his not as fun and understanding as he once was. On top of all this, he lives on the other side of the country. He's (30) a couple of years older than I am -and he's not financially and career-wise stable. I'm not either. He and I could be homeless together! Wouldn't that be fun! I'd also like to visit, and spend leisurely time with him, but I'm not sure how he'd feel about it. Not only that, he's mentioned before that he's had a crush on me for a long time -but I'm not certain if he still feels the same. And, to make matters slightly more worrisome for me, he's athiest and I'm not, he's vegan and I'm not, and he's genuinely talented doing something completely different than what he is doing right now. I have convinced him to pursue that talent, which he's working towards, but hasn't gone all the way with his efforts and potential just yet. In addition, his zodiac sign is completely incompatible with mine. I am stuck. I want to have a special bond with him, more than the one we have now, or maybe even tell him how I feel. But I don't know. I'm scared. Am I wrong to think anything is going to happen between he and I? What should I do? What is he thinking? I'd appreciate any feedback. First of all....this is a red-flag. A woman saying a man that they've dealt with is a "stalker" or "Stalker-ish" or any word with the word "Stalk" in it.....is a woman to be avoided....ESPECIALLY if all of a sudden you have "romantic" feelings for him? I mean, COME ON!
Citizen Drawn Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 and he's genuinely talented doing something completely different than what he is doing right now. I have convinced him to pursue that talent, which he's working towards, but hasn't gone all the way with his efforts and potential just yet. Who have you done this for, you or him? It's sounds like you did that for yourself! Why are you convincing him to do things that he's not made up his own mind to do? Perhaps that's really bad road for him!
Tizzy Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 -He's not the man I used to know; his not as fun and understanding as he once was. -he lives on the other side of the country. -He's (30) a couple of years older than I am -and he's not financially and career-wise stable. -the stalker-ish man I mentioned in one of my other threads I don't know why you have developed feelings for this guy, but the above facts are more than enough reasons to leave him alone and go on about your life. I agree with the poster who said you've created an imaginary relationship with this man. Why would you want someone who has so little to offer you? Why would you want someone who has stalked you in the past and who you don't think is any fun? You sound emotionally unbalanced and unhealthy. This is not healthy behavior. You need to look inward and figure out why you think this type of behavior on your part is acceptable, because it shouldn't be. There are way better guys out there.
Tizzy Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 What should I do? Stay on your side of the country and forget about him. Move on with your life.
gopher Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 This is the kind of thread that drives guys crazy. The OP developed romantic feelings for this guy after he backed off and left her alone. Yikes.
You'reasian Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'm getting contradictory vibes from you: The guy used to be fun and understanding - so apparently he had some qualities that you were attracted to. The guy is stalkerish - the guy was clingy or trying to put himself into your life? Perhaps you misunderstood this guys consistency in persuing you as stalking - or you prefer to chase - seeing that he's out of your life and as you say... I want to have a special bond with him, more than the one we have now, or maybe even tell him how I feel.. May I ask how old are you?
Author DollWelch Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Those are some harsh and mean posts coming from LS posters, to say the least. I am disappointed. I don't know what to say. I'd like to clear up a few issues about this situation. IF he wasn't romantically interested in me, then he wouldn't have done any of the following things: -say that he cares a great deal, -try to get me to open up, -how he enjoys talking to me, -tells me things he's never told anyone before in his life, -be a best friend to him, -share with me the idea that if I or he was on the Bachellorette/Bachelor (Dating Show) he'd want a rose from me and vice verse. I could name other things which I can't think of at the moment. I had feelings for him almost from the beginning, way before the "stalker-ish" thing happened, but I kept it to myself. Why? Because I was/am being realistic. I was going through a tough time in my life, and I knew I couldn't handle being in a relationship and the fact that I couldn't open myself up to him, so that we could get to know each other better. Even though he tried, and I wasn't very comfortable/loose about it, he changed. I think he changed and has since backed off, maybe I don't know, because he gave up on the idea of getting me to see the other side. I can't blame him though. I'm still really confused about a lot of things in this situation. If I could, I'd go back and openly share moving up a notch with him. But I didn't. And about convincing him to pursue his talent: It's what he wants. He's been meaning and wanting it for a long time. I want what's best for him, so I encouraged him. And when I did, he's been nothing but happy; he says that he (more or less) owes it to me, for helping him go after what he wants to do. I did nothing wrong. I don't understand why I'm being attacked for being nice, and honest about my ways. It's ridiculous. --and NO, I'm not clingy or coming on to strong. I don't know how to start showing or talking to him about this whole situation?
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Doll - I think the harsh responses are mostly because the situation is so confusing in general. Nobody here really knows what to make of the big picture because there are several little oddities to the whole thing. But nobody here is going to be able to tell you what he's thinking or what he wants. We only get your side of the story - not his. So it's really hard to interpret what you should do. The only thing that really can be said at this point is, How about you talk to HIM about this? It could clear a lot of things up, clear the air, and possibly give you both a shot at something romantic that he's been wanting for awhile and you're just discovering. So go talk to the guy. Communication is key.
You'reasian Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I think if a man comes on too strong or shows too much interest, you ladies often interpret that as "stalkerish" - which leads smart men to back off and maybe let you chase them
BCCA Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 I think youre getting feelings for who you think he COULD be, and not who he actually is. Truth be told, with him being clear across the country, you know its not a practical relationship. And if youre unsure now, thats just not good. I dont mean to be harsh, but I know when I go through droughts of not meeting anyone, I start to take anyone who I do meet and change them into what I want in my head, but the problem is that they are who they are. I just dont think starting a relationship should be anywhere near this difficult, and I dont think this is the one for you.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 I think if a man comes on too strong or shows too much interest' date=' you ladies often interpret that as "stalkerish" - which leads smart men to back off and maybe let you chase them [/quote'] Thanks for once again generalizing about women (happens a lot on this board - it goes both ways). "You ladies." Ugh. Read her previous posts before you ASSume she's calling HIM a stalker.
Bells Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks for once again generalizing about women (happens a lot on this board - it goes both ways). "You ladies." Ugh. Read her previous posts before you ASSume she's calling HIM a stalker. Anytime a woman uses the word "stalker" or what a guy did with her was "stalkerish". I'd seriously avoid such a woman altogether. She's bad news, and is VERY dangerous. A lot of women these days (esp younger 20 something women) are using this word even INTERCHANGEABLY with simply a guy that likes her. Can anyone enlighten me as to WHY women use the word "stalker" when referring to a guy that likes her? Just one of the RED flags
JeezLouise Posted May 17, 2009 Posted May 17, 2009 Went and read some of your old threads. Is this guy the same one you are talking about in all of them? If so, what made you decide quite suddenly that now you are romantically interested in him? It all seems a bit disjointed to me, especially when you never describe him a flattering way. Although I am assuming this is a different man, because I can't figure out why you would be so upset about not being invited to some party, when he lives on the other side of the country.
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 18, 2009 Posted May 18, 2009 Anytime a woman uses the word "stalker" or what a guy did with her was "stalkerish". I'd seriously avoid such a woman altogether. She's bad news, and is VERY dangerous. A lot of women these days (esp younger 20 something women) are using this word even INTERCHANGEABLY with simply a guy that likes her. Can anyone enlighten me as to WHY women use the word "stalker" when referring to a guy that likes her? Just one of the RED flags FOR CHRIST'S SAKE...GO READ HER PAST POST. ****. SHE did NOT call HIM a stalker. Good grief.
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