LittleLadyGirl Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'm 31 and I'm newly single, my ex cheated and left about nine months ago and the divorce should come through any day now (or so I'm hoping). We were together for a little over four years. This experience is teaching me a lot about myself, both in and out of 'relationships'. It hurt me so deeply, and yet I feel like my life might really be beginning now. Instead of just hating him all the time or blaming, I've been trying to take positive things away from this for myself. What I can learn about myself, what things I can change for the better of me, how I can improve and really like myself a lot more. Things like that. I have not gone near dating yet, and I'm not sure sometimes if I should or not. When I was younger I did not date, I had self esteem issues about my appearance and really, no one ever really guided me or taught me how the heck to manage it all. I didn't start dating until my 20s. I'm overweight but I learned that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I enjoyed the dates I went on. I got to a point I was very happy with myself, overweight yes but I was healthy and felt healthy. I felt good about who I was, my talents, my intellect, abilities, etc. I met my ex when I was 26 and was with him for those four years. Weird how four years can mess with one's self so much. I feel like I'm having to re-learn everything I learned in the first place about caring for myself and seeing all the things of which I'm most proud of in myself. I didn't realize until after my ex did what he did how much I allowed him to devalue me, and those four years did just systematically chip away at my self esteem. I feel lucky in a way because I'm learning what behavior from a partner should just never be acceptable, but on the other I feel like I've got this huge mountain of growth to overcome. I suppose I'm feeling torn. I don't want a relationship right now only because I don't trust myself to be able to balance a relationship with the things I personally need to do for myself. Meaning, I'm afraid I will make the same mistake of giving up too much for the partner if I go into a new relationship before I've had enough time to get on my own solid footing. On the same token, I feel that need for intimacy very badly. I don't want my ex at all, just that feeling of intimate contact. Not sure if the best idea is to just fight that yearning feeling and stick to solely working on myself, or if it wouldn't be a bad idea to get out there and do some dating. In a way I think dating could help me work on myself but then I think that's too wholly selfish and unfair to whomever I would date. Then I think perhaps it wouldn't be bad if I found someone who was supportive of what I'm trying to accomplish for myself, a guy who has his own thing going on and so he wouldn't be clinging to me all the time (if you hadn't guessed, my ex was extremely clingy). It's hard to know whether what I need is to just keep moving along on my own and just fight the loneliness until I KNOW I'm ready, or whether what I really need is to get myself back out into the dating pool so it doesn't turn into this looming scary beast that just gets bigger the longer I don't get back out there. Any of you been in this situation? Any thoughts or feedback? It would be much appreciated (and thanks for listening!)
paddington bear Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hi, I think many of us have been in the same situation as you. I too was in a relationship for over 4 years and feel the same, that my confidence was chipped away at so that when the relationship was over, I was no longer the same woman and found getting back out into the dating world very difficult. The question here, I think, is not the questions that you've asked re: dating, but what is it about yourself, how you see yourself that you allowed someone else to slowly undermine you. Sometimes these patterns continue with each relationship, the people you date are different, but how you see yourself and your thought patterns are not which means that the next relationship may follow the same route without you realising why. I would advise you to go to therapy, (only because I've just started going and I'm so glad I did, it has really really helped to get an outside, impartial perspective on things and think 'huh! I never thought about it that way'). While doing that, sure, go on dates, not to get another relationship but to get into practice flirting again, enjoying the company of a wide variety of men and to try to figure out what kind of man would suit you, just keep it fun and light for now and when you're ready to hop back into the relationship boat, you'll know it.
Tizzy Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 You have to do what you think will make you feel good and help you heal. After my relationship with an ex of 3 yrs (that relationship came to an abrupt very ugly end), I started dating after about 2 or 3 weeks. I dated with the intent to get back out there and get a life again, so to speak. I wasn't looking for a relationship, just companionship. After that breakup I did do a lot of thinking about myself, my life, what I want and need out of a relationship/guy, and so on. I asked myself where things went wrong in my last relationship and what needs to be different in the next one. I did a lot of healing, both before and while I was dating. Dating was a lot of fun. The excitement of meeting someone new, even if you end up not liking them much, did a lot to life my spirits and help me to build confidence again in the whole dating thing. I eventually met a guy I liked and we ended up in a relationship a few months later. So, things will get better with time and dating can be good for you. Just try to go into it with a healthy mindset and don't try to rush into anything too soon.
Tizzy Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I didn't realize until after my ex did what he did how much I allowed him to devalue me, and those four years did just systematically chip away at my self esteem. I feel lucky in a way because I'm learning what behavior from a partner should just never be acceptable, but on the other I feel like I've got this huge mountain of growth to overcome. I can totally relate to this too. My self-esteem didn't take a hit, but I did allow myself to be treated badly in that relationship and it took a lot of looking deep into myself and my past to learn why i allowed that from guys and to learn what I need to do different going forward. I am now at a very different mindset and accept absolutely no nonsense from anyone. I learned a lot from that bad relationship and the healing from it has made me a much healthier person emotionally. Hang in there, healing will come! Something that worked well for me after that bad relationship had ended was talking with and reading about people who had gone thru similar situations. You'd be surprised how many women have similar stories to yours, probably even among your circle of friends. Talking to these women and seeing how they ended up triumphant in their lives gave me a lot of confidence and helped me see what I had to do differently going forward to keep from repeating the same pattern of behavior and unfruitful relationships. Without that support I honestly don't know that I would have ever changed in terms of how I handled men and relationships.
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