boldjack Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 BEG, I think what you are describing is a true "gentleman". My Grandad was such a man. He had served in 3 wars, became a sheriff, and had killed more men than Ebola, but he was positively mild, when around women. He always tipped his hat, opened doors, helped with packages and treated ALL women as Ladies. It didn't matter if they were rich or poor, fat or thin, black or white, young or old, nun or whore, he treated them with dignity.
Trialbyfire Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 So BEG, now you know the kinds of men who would find you attractive. Hopefully, you also find them attractive. If not, perhaps you're targeting the wrong kind of men.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 BEG, I think what you are describing is a true "gentleman". My Grandad was such a man. He had served in 3 wars, became a sheriff, and had killed more men than Ebola, but he was positively mild, when around women. He always tipped his hat, opened doors, helped with packages and treated ALL women as Ladies. It didn't matter if they were rich or poor, fat or thin, black or white, young or old, nun or whore, he treated them with dignity. I think grandad was a beta male misogynist He lacked assertiveness and confidence Unlike Hitler. Who had assertiveness and confidence and oozed of sex
Star Gazer Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 If I want anything bad enough, I go get it, which includes busting arse for it. Some of us believe in hard work. And no, I'm far from loud. I'm soft spoken but assertive. When I get angry, the pitch drops lower and gets harder. I mean what I say. Did I write this? Oh, whops. Great minds...
Okfine Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I believe that there is having confidence in one's abilities which comes in the form of drive, acceptance of shortcomings and strengths, humility, and capability of admitting when we are wrong. It is a personal ease of knowing that setting high limits will not break us no matter what the outcome. You do this for yourself and with no intent to prove to others your successes. Therefore, success becomes internal not external. Then there is overconfidence which is the affliction that is rotting our society today. This is a superficial and often fake sense of well-being that is not present due to a balanced center but more so by a fear of not fitting in and being perceived as weak. Often these people are weak. It comes in the form of an arrogant need to overpower, stubbornness and inability to admit when wrong, and a strong obsession with trying to convince others of one's strengths by divulging all their meaningless accomplishments for an ego stroke. When I say "meaningless" I mean that life's acquisitions should only matter to the individual if they are truly confident in their capabilities. That is where humility plays a big role.
Okfine Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I thought of a story on confidence: 10 CEO’s are about to take a flight and it is the first-ever to feature pilotless technology or a “no crewed” aircraft. Each one of the CEO’s is told privately that their company’s software is running the aircraft’s automatic pilot system. 9 of the CEO’s quickly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse. 1 CEO alone comfortably remains on board the jet, seeming totally calm. He was asked why he is so confident in this first non crew flight and he replies: “If it is the same software that runs my company’s IT systems, this plane will not even take off.”
Trialbyfire Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Did I write this? Oh, whops. Great minds... There's true modesty and humility, and then there's false modesty and humility to dredge for validation. Not too many people have the former and too many are of the latter. You can tell the difference when they hold themselves up as shining examples of such. It's like the nice guy/girl, running around telling everyone how nice they are. Self-promotion anyone? If you can't get the job done, regardless if it's your day-to-day life, career, education or love life, it doesn't matter how much or little of anything you have. You're still not happy, therefore, how's it working for you so far?
White Flower Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I have said before that I wish I was born 100 years ago where the world valued different set of qualities in a person. I value humility, kindnes, genoroisity, modesty and good heart above all else and this is how I was raised. But today it's all about confidence, assertivnes and self promotion. Is there anyone who actually does not consider confidence among top few traits important in a romantic partner? I think the values you hold so dear are good ones and a sensible amount of confidence is also good. I think it is possible to be modestly confident. I might be confident in the bedroom but not the boardroom or vice versa. We are all good at something, so that is where we hold our confidence. But I get what you mean. It seems the more confidence (drive, determination, and power) one has, the more attention and praise our society gives them in the way of jobs, raises, and other benefits. But all too often these same 'confident' people are stepping on heads along the way to the top and someone more genuine is being overlooked.
shadowplay Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I think BEG is making a distinction between outgoing people and reserved people. Both types of people can be confident, but our society does tend to prefer more outgoing people.
amerikajin Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I have said before that I wish I was born 100 years ago where the world valued different set of qualities in a person. I value humility, kindnes, genoroisity, modesty and good heart above all else and this is how I was raised. But today it's all about confidence, assertivnes and self promotion. Is there anyone who actually does not consider confidence among top few traits important in a romantic partner? What I notice is that a lot of people talk about confidence, assertiveness and self-promotion, as if these are qualities that individuals download on YouTube or E-bay. A lot of people talk about these traits, and I've noticed that a lot of people just talk sh*t in general. You either have these characteristics or you don't. People might get fooled at first, but it doesn't take long before people see right through your act. I think people focus on getting confidence when in reality they ought to focus on the things that help individuals gain confidence in the first place. Confidence isn't learned; it's earned. A person earns confidence because they've achieved something that makes them feel like they're valuable to others. Some people are good at manipulation and pass as confident, when in reality they're definitely not. It took me a while to figure that out, but now that I'm in my mid-30s and I've seen people come and go in my life, it's as clear as day. Some unconfident people might actually be good at getting women or men to bed them, but that doesn't mean they're confident. They're manipulative and deceptive, but still insecure as hell. They've just learned how to lie to get what they want in the way that some boozer learns to hide the bottle. They get their one-night stand or short-term fling, a kind of single-serving of drive-through disposable romance. But put in them in a situation where they might actually have to open up to someone, to be vulnerable, to have feelings...they can't do it. They'll wake up when they're 45 and realize that while they're still oversexed, they're lonely on some deeper level. I think people need deeper, meaningful relationships at some point -- not to stay alive, but to improve the quality of their lives. Fakers can't do it.
justin180 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 As I've said before people are not stupid. We all can tell when someone is putting on an act & just trying to show off. Nobody can be deceived unless they allow themselves to be. You can't fake confidence. Sure people might buy your act for a season but intuitively they know you are doing it for show. They're just choosing to give you the benefit of the doubt but sooner or later they will get confirmation that their intuition was correct.
justin180 Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I believe that there is having confidence in one's abilities which comes in the form of drive, acceptance of shortcomings and strengths, humility, and capability of admitting when we are wrong. It is a personal ease of knowing that setting high limits will not break us no matter what the outcome. You do this for yourself and with no intent to prove to others your successes. Therefore, success becomes internal not external. Then there is overconfidence which is the affliction that is rotting our society today. This is a superficial and often fake sense of well-being that is not present due to a balanced center but more so by a fear of not fitting in and being perceived as weak. Often these people are weak. It comes in the form of an arrogant need to overpower, stubbornness and inability to admit when wrong, and a strong obsession with trying to convince others of one's strengths by divulging all their meaningless accomplishments for an ego stroke. When I say "meaningless" I mean that life's acquisitions should only matter to the individual if they are truly confident in their capabilities. That is where humility plays a big role. I agree with this. A person who is truly confident doesn't feel the need to justify his actions (unless they are illegal or unethical) to anyone else but himself/herself. At the end of the day the confident person knows he has to give an account to nobody but himself for his accomplishments in life. If I ever decide to pursue a college degree it's only because I feel I have something to prove to myself not to family or friends or strangers for that matter.
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