JohnnyXray Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I have mixed feelings on something and figured I'd come here for advice. My girlfriend and I have been together for 5 months now, she has two young kids from a previous relationship which I've adapted too quite well. But during the 5 months we've been together her and I have only spent 1 night together. Recently this began to bother me, why in the 5 months we been together her and I have only stayed together overnight once? Tonight I finally came right out and ask her, her response was that her kids aren't ready for that. The one time I did stay the night apparently her oldest son was upset that I stayed the night. She says they aren't comfortable. My thoughts on that is how can the kids become comfortable with me being there staying overnight if we never put them into that environment? At what point do they become comfortable? I just don't see how they can ever become use to that situation of me staying the night there with her if she won't let me because they are uncomfortable. I am kind of upset and bothered by her answer. I understand that her kids are her #1 priorities, but at the same time she is the parent and sometimes she needs to set the rules and say hey, this is how it is going to be and realize that not everything you do in life will make your kids happy. I feel as though she is letting her kids dictate our relationship. I feel that this is unfair to me. If you have read my previous posts in the past, this is the same girl whom I've been there for since day 1. I often send her flowers, I've always been there for her. So in a way I feel that this is a kick in the gut after all I have done for her. But I don't know, am I right for being upset? Or should I be more understanding of her kids feelings?
SoulSearch_CO Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Do you spend a lot of quality time with the kids? Do they get to have fun out and about with you? I would understand her hesitance if maybe her kids have not been able to really see you all that much outside of staying over. But I'm going to say in this case, you're going to have to bend and just deal for the time being. 5 months is NOT that long when kids are involved. How old is the son? Sons can have a particular hard time accepting a new man into their life as a "replacement" for their father. It's hard to think of their mother hanging out with a new guy. Is the son old enough to understand sex? If he is - that could definitely be part of the problem. If the son was the one having a major problem with it, maybe get some one-on-one time with him so he can get to know you better. Take him to a ball game, or an arcade, or a movie and ice cream after, or a park. SOMETHING to get him to open up to you and you to him. So he can get comfortable with the idea of having you around. You're going to have to put forth some extra effort, here, if you expect anything to change. You can't just put your foot down and expect her to choose you over her kids - she's not likely to. If you don't like my ideas, how about you ask your GF for suggestions? She might have a few, but is nervous to bring them up. Who knows. You could communicate how important (and WHY) it is for you to spend time overnight with her. How it will help your relationship grow, what SHE gets out of it, etc. Then tell her you want to work on getting everybody comfortable with the idea because you don't like the kids being upset - what can you do to help the situation? Communicate. Don't set an ultimatum or anything silly like that. If she's worth half her snuff as a mother, she'll toss you out before hurting her children.
Author JohnnyXray Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 After I posted this I thought about it, and I need to be more understanding. A big part of me was understanding, but there was a small part of me that said I should be upset and that's where the mixed feelings came from. This is the first time I've been with someone who has kids, so it's just something I'm not experienced with and don't always know what to expect. I got to thinking about it and the better part of me stepped in and I realized that it is better for the kids to get more comfortable with me on a day to day basis and not just that, I know that it is harder on the kids than I realize. On the surface I know they like me, but at the same time I know they are not use to have their real father and then some other guy in their mom's life. She could push her kids into getting use to me being there staying overnight, but I know that in the long run that could do more harm than good. It takes time and I know now that it will take time and I just need to continue to show her that I will be there for her no matter what and I accept that.
Author JohnnyXray Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 The kids are young, the youngest is 3 and the oldest is 6.
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 It would then be both her job and yours to reassure them and clear up confusion regarding your relationship. Obviously for children of this age, Actions speak more loudly than words. so be alert for the signs of jealousy from them. Do not react aggressively or with irritation, but study methods of how to channel this constructively, and how to deal with this gently.... But your last post is very considerate, and perhaps you must be open with her and tell her that she means enough to you to do whatever it takes to make both her - and her children - happy, comfortable and content in this relationship.
Mycroft Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 As you said yourself, the kids are her #1 priority, as they should be. IMO you have no right to be upset. She prioritized her own children over some guy shes known for 5 months, good move on her part! Now this might not be the only thing to it. It could be a cover for why she wants to see you less, or has decided to stop sleeping with you until something is resolved, who knows. It would be nice if you could answer soulsearch's questions, they are very valid, and I like her advice. If they are boys, take them fishing or play some sort of sport with them. It seems that boys with single mothers rarely get to do this type of stuff. Not only will this make them more comfortable with you, your GF will appreciate it.
Author JohnnyXray Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 It would then be both her job and yours to reassure them and clear up confusion regarding your relationship. Obviously for children of this age, Actions speak more loudly than words. so be alert for the signs of jealousy from them. Do not react aggressively or with irritation, but study methods of how to channel this constructively, and how to deal with this gently.... But your last post is very considerate, and perhaps you must be open with her and tell her that she means enough to you to do whatever it takes to make both her - and her children - happy, comfortable and content in this relationship. Thank you. I don't have kids of my own, and never been in a relationship in which kids were involved so it's new. Every day I learn something new, and I don't always know what to expect. But after I made my initial post I thought a lot about it and I know that it is going to be harder on the kids than I realize. My girlfriend and the kids dad split up 3 years ago, and I know that in that 3 years she has not dated very much so her having me in her life is new to them. Her and her kids mean the world to me and no matter what I want to and I will be there for her and her kids. I just hope that she doesn't feel as though I was trying to make her choose between her kids or me by me asking her about the fact that we never stay the night together. I would never in a million years ask her to do that. Tomorrow I'm gonna talk to her and tell her what I said on here.. that I am completely understanding and no matter what I am there for her and the kids.
Author JohnnyXray Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 As you said yourself, the kids are her #1 priority, as they should be. IMO you have no right to be upset. She prioritized her own children over some guy shes known for 5 months, good move on her part! Now this might not be the only thing to it. It could be a cover for why she wants to see you less, or has decided to stop sleeping with you until something is resolved, who knows. It would be nice if you could answer soulsearch's questions, they are very valid, and I like her advice. If they are boys, take them fishing or play some sort of sport with them. It seems that boys with single mothers rarely get to do this type of stuff. Not only will this make them more comfortable with you, your GF will appreciate it. You are absolutely right, and that's why the better part of me said to be understanding. Her kids are #1 and never in a million years would I want to make her feel as though I'm making her choose her kids or me. But I am confused by what mean by "it could be a cover for why she wants to see you less" or "deicded to stop sleeping with you until something is resolved"??? We see each other as often as we always have.
Mycroft Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 But I am confused by what mean by "it could be a cover for why she wants to see you less" or "deicded to stop sleeping with you until something is resolved"??? We see each other as often as we always have. I just guessed there may be more to the story, but what do I know. If you think you're doing good then you probably are
Author JohnnyXray Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 I just guessed there may be more to the story, but what do I know. If you think you're doing good then you probably are Nah, there's not anything more to the story. Her and I spend a lot of time together, we are both happy and she means the world to me. Like I said, I've never been in a relationship in which involved kids so I'm just learning these things as time goes on. When her and I talked about it tonight I didn't express to her that I was upset or anything, because I really didn't know what to think. As I said, the better part of me said ya know, be understanding of it but there was the tiny part of me that was bothered by it. That's essentially why I came here to get advice on it. But after I made my post I thought about it and I realized it on my own without the advice of others, her kids are her #1 priority and we just need to take things slow. I want her and her kids to be happy and comfortable and that is all that matters.
Tizzy Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'm a single mom of a 2-yr-old and can relate to where your gf is coming from. In this day and age, you never really know who you're meeting. There are perverts everywhere and as a mom, you want and have to be extra careful with whom you allow to be around your children. You also have to be careful what kind of example you are setting for them. Maybe your gf doesn't want her kids to see men staying over at her house if she isn't married (or almost married) to them. You've been together 5 months but that isn't that long of a time. She's still getting to know you and see if you're someone who might be there for the longterm. I advise letting her take the lead in this aspect of your relationship and supporting whatever she decides. It's good that you've brought up the point with her and opened dialogue about it, b/c at least she knows it's on your mind. But now you need to let her move at the pace that's comfortable for her in terms of how much of your relationship with her she wants her boys to see. Realize this has nothing to do with you but everything to do with her looking out for her kids.
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