unhappylady Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hi, You may have read my other post stating my desire to get out of my affair. As a side thread from this can I ask you if your MM/MW talks about his marriage problems/arguments at home? I spoke to MM yesterday and 80% of the conversation revolved around the latest argument and what he said and what she said. Frankly I am tired of this, yeah I want him to vent to me and I know he is deeply unhappy and needs an outlet but I am growing tired of hearing his complaints. I feel like a sounding board. It's very difficult after conversatios like that to turn into romantic mode and I feel drained. On the other hand, it gives me a glimpse into what real life with him would be like......
wildsoul Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Oh no, no, no way. From the beginning I told my ex that I never wanted to be put in the position of being his support person to talk about his marriage issues. I told him that he needed to hire a counselor/coach or use his friends/family for that. He was okay with that though, as he wanted an escape from it.
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hi, You may have read my other post stating my desire to get out of my affair. I have not, but if you are so tired of it all you have to do is to tell him that you are ending it.... (. . .) I spoke to MM yesterday and 80% of the conversation revolved around the latest argument and what he said and what she said. Frankly I am tired of this, yeah I want him to vent to me and I know he is deeply unhappy and needs an outlet but I am growing tired of hearing his complaints. I feel like a sounding board. And this seems an excellent reason and justification to give him for ending it. Wildsoul is completely right in her attitude. It's very difficult after conversatios like that to turn into romantic mode and I feel drained. It sounds as if he is seeing you as just an extra wife without the certificate.... Was it not Jerry Hall who said that a man wants a woman to be a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom? On the other hand, it gives me a glimpse into what real life with him would be like...... Ah yes! Yet another reason to leave - ! A man who 'marries' his mistress leaves a vacancy...... _/l\_
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 If you want to end it, why remain in contact with this man who is having sex with you, right and telling you about the problems with his WIFE???? WTF you know how idiotic that sounds? Go NC with this man and tell his wife so he can get off your back.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I spoke to MM yesterday and 80% of the conversation revolved around the latest argument and what he said and what she said. Frankly I am tired of this, yeah I want him to vent to me and I know he is deeply unhappy and needs an outlet but I am growing tired of hearing his complaints. I feel like a sounding board. Perhaps you could give his wife some input as to how she could improve their marriage... Mr. Lucky
Author unhappylady Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Yes it does sound ridiculous, but this isn't a man who is just 'having sex with me and talking about his wife'. He's very very unhappy and not wanting an affair, he is wanting out of the marriage - so has problems which he needs to talk about. I am just tired of hearing them. If it's that horrendous, that bad.....well, actions speak louder than words don't they....?
TaraMaiden Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Yes it does sound ridiculous, but this isn't a man who is just 'having sex with me and talking about his wife'. He's very very unhappy and not wanting an affair, he is wanting out of the marriage - so has problems which he needs to talk about. Forgive me everyone but am I the only one to notice this? A person comes into the forum with a heartfelt lamentation about something in their life going awry due to the love interest - and the moment people offer constructive suggestions on how to shift the dynamic - the person becomes defensive and begins to make excuses.... which is what it sounds suspiciously like here.... I am just tired of hearing them. If it's that horrendous, that bad.....well, actions speak louder than words don't they....? Look. You are the person wanting out. So "out". Why not? Just tell him, 'Ok, I'm out'.... And then follow the route so ably laid out by so many others. Cease contributing to this damaged dynamic. _/l\_
wildsoul Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 ...so has problems which he needs to talk about. He can pay a professional to talk about his problems. If he is unwilling to do that, don't you think that's a big red flag? It smacks of someone who doesn't *really* want to handle them. It's also a glaring boundary problem. If he's got a problem with his W, then he can only fix it by dealing with his W. If he needs help from a third party, it needs to be from someone WITHOUT skin in the game. It's ridiculous to expect you to be a neutral 3rd party. And for you: One of the painful things about affairs (the kind where the MP is talking about divorcing the BS and choosing you) is that the waiting and back-and-forth processing is torture. You see the potential for the R and want to be supportive, hoping that it will all be worth it in the end. But it's not healthy to put your own needs aside in such a lop-sided manner. It's really the bad kind of codependence, the kind that will ruin your self-esteem (if you have any to begin with.) This is a very bad pattern to engage in. I agree with TaraMaiden. Your excuse about him "needing" to talk to you about this is worrisome. If you really want to help him, then make sure he gets a support system like a therapist, coach, men's group to work this through with.
Can'tGiveUp Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hi, You may have read my other post stating my desire to get out of my affair. As a side thread from this can I ask you if your MM/MW talks about his marriage problems/arguments at home? I spoke to MM yesterday and 80% of the conversation revolved around the latest argument and what he said and what she said. Frankly I am tired of this, yeah I want him to vent to me and I know he is deeply unhappy and needs an outlet but I am growing tired of hearing his complaints. I feel like a sounding board. It's very difficult after conversatios like that to turn into romantic mode and I feel drained. On the other hand, it gives me a glimpse into what real life with him would be like...... He never, ever talked about specifics of problems at home. The dynamics of our R were different, in that we started out dating when we were both separated, but when he went back he never vented to me. And that was not something I insisted on, it was just how he was. Yes it does sound ridiculous, but this isn't a man who is just 'having sex with me and talking about his wife'. He's very very unhappy and not wanting an affair, he is wanting out of the marriage - so has problems which he needs to talk about. I am just tired of hearing them. If it's that horrendous, that bad.....well, actions speak louder than words don't they....? The problems he needs to talk about are best discussed between him and a close friend, counselor, family member or even better, with his W. He won't be able to get out of his M if he doesn't talk to her at some point.
White Flower Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Yes it does sound ridiculous, but this isn't a man who is just 'having sex with me and talking about his wife'. He's very very unhappy and not wanting an affair, he is wanting out of the marriage - so has problems which he needs to talk about. I am just tired of hearing them. If it's that horrendous, that bad.....well, actions speak louder than words don't they....? Is he working his way out of the M? If so, he needs to talk with a counselor for support and if he sees himself marrying you down the line it would appear he wants to include you in the break-up process. It could be tricky. If you close him off he may see it as you not being enough of a comforter/communicator; therefore, not a good match for him. If you cater to a man who just likes to vent too much...he may not be the man for you! I would encourage him to seek counseling and also for him to start divorce proceedings if indeed he seriously wants one. He may need real support from you if that is the case.
Windy27 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 She is his wife, the most important person in his life. If he doesn't talk about her (bad or good), what else is he going to talk about.
jj33 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Windy you are new here and not off to a great start. How is that helpful or even responsive to the OP's question? Did you read Tony's comment on the grieving thread that he locked because of comments like yours?
Author unhappylady Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Just posted a long reply then lost it somehow...argh! Hey I am really sorry if I sounded defensive or contradicted myself. I didn't mean to - sorry again. It was the image of him 'having sex with me then venting about his wife' - the reality couldn't be more opposite and I rushed in and replied without thinking of how it came out. In a nutshell his son is severely disabled and requires round the clock care which is wife and he provide. He desperately wants to be out of the marriage but is struggling with guilt issues because of the son. His wife and he are at loggerheads, tensions are running high etc etc. He is depressed, he does need help and yes I will suggest a professional or a support group. I am not the right person to provide this. The meets we have are lovely, all the problems seem to fade into the background when we are together (affair fog?) but it's the time inbetween when I struggle greatly. I love him but it doesn't change the fact that after every meet he goes home to his family, no matter how unhappy or what the dynamics are - he remains there. I know what he wants the future to be but it's the here and now that matters and I can't do it anymore as I am accepting crumbs and am quickly becoming an emotional crutch inbetween meets. He used to ring me inbetween meets for a chat, it was fun, naughty, loving, everything...now that he is raising the issue of leaving with his wife he is naturally preoccupied and every conversation we are having is him off-loading. I may sound selfish and not very loving or supportive but I am feeling so dragged down and drained with it all now. Neither of us want to continue in a permanent affair, we want to be together - I can see this dragging on a long time as making that break is going to be very very hard for him. In the meantime I am supporting him throughout this and accepting crumbs. I know he is suffering but I am too. I can't do this anymore and going to find the strength to end it. Thanks for your advice.
jj33 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 You need to walk. He needs to decide what he wants and its harder for him to decide when you are there as a crutch holding him up emotionally. The other thing is do you really really want what all this entails? It may be very difficult for him to leave a disabled son. It could be years. And even if it does leave he may feel quite guilty and it could be very complicated. For your own sanity you have to walk. Nowhere it is written that being in love means being a martyr. The pain of walking away is no worse than the pain of being in an affair. You can do it.
jwi71 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 UHL, If I were you I would walk. And we'll just consider you in this. IF he leaves his W for you... 1) Are you up for caring for a special needs child? 2) Are you prepared to face the TIDAL WAVE of negative emotions from everybody. I mean he (and you) will BOTH be painted as leaving the poor loving and slavishly devoted W and mother AND their severely disable child. NO way EITHER of you win that PR. You'd have to move to the other coast. 3) Off the chart guilt by him. And I mean even more guilt than a MM simply leaving the W and kids behind. Which YOU have to deal with...which, IMO, leads to YOUR guilt. If you end it... 1) Well that just sucks having to leave a man you love. Its not natural. 2) It will hurt like hell. NO way around it. IF I could see a way I'd tell you. I don't ANY good end to this. But end it must. So...cold turkey NC.
fooled once Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 You really have no idea if his marriage is really bad. Like it has been said on other threads, MM do not necessarily tell their mistress the truth -- I mean, he wouldn't come to you and say "gee, my marriage is great, but I am bored so instead of working on my issues with my wife, I chose to step out on her". He does go home to his wife every night. and as many betrayed spouses have said, they continue to have sex with their husbands, although these MM tell their mistresses they aren't having sex. Find someone who doesn't have baggage. Find someone single who can truly put you first, where you deserve to be.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Hi, You may have read my other post stating my desire to get out of my affair. As a side thread from this can I ask you if your MM/MW talks about his marriage problems/arguments at home? I spoke to MM yesterday and 80% of the conversation revolved around the latest argument and what he said and what she said. Frankly I am tired of this, yeah I want him to vent to me and I know he is deeply unhappy and needs an outlet but I am growing tired of hearing his complaints. I feel like a sounding board. It's very difficult after conversatios like that to turn into romantic mode and I feel drained. This is what you signed up for when hooking up with a married man. So your thoughts on getting out, as if you needed this to realize to get out of a relationship with someone elses husband, are a step in the right direction. On the other hand, it gives me a glimpse into what real life with him would be like...... Him cheating on his wife should have given you an immediate glimpse into what real life would be like with him.
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