way_2_tired Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 So he told me he loved me. he also told me that he hopes I will be friends and colleagues/business partners with him because he wants to work with me and be around me. So, I told him I love him too, but I think maybe I love him a bit differently. So then a few days later.... Turns out he does love me as a close friend but he also wishes he was here making love to me. I totally agree w that!! Unfortunately other than that I am confused. He says he will always care about me and love me but can't promise marriage. also wonders how I would cope and if I would still want to work with him if he married somebody else. ??? Said that in his culture you can't date without somekind of committment towards marriage which he can't make to me as I won't be there for five years and who knows what happens in that time. he kept repeating that he loves me but can't promise marriage. He said taht he hasn't eliminated the possiblity of marrying me. For my side, um I'm confused. I don't even know if I would want to marry the guy I don't even know him that well. Yeah I would like to work with him, but if I still love him, no I don't to work with him during the day and then he goes home to make love to somebody else. He says he wants to make love to me when I am in Ghana this december. I'm confused. so confused. i understand "dating" having different meanings. ok sure. but when I told him I'm not going to be seeing anyone else while I still love him, he said he was shocked. ????????? I just don't work that way. I love him and therefore only want him and i'm not looking elsewhere just because to do so would feel like betraying my own heart. I want to have a relationship w him but it sounds like u can't ask somebody for that without somekind of commitment towards marriage in his culture. I think. not sure. I would feel like a cheap ho to know that I have him during my trips there but teh rest of the year he is loving other women, while still apparantly loving me? I just don't get. We are supposed to talk more tommorow, but i dont' know what to think or ask or anything. that is about the problem actually, i just don't know anything
LonelyTiger Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I'm slightly confused too. How is it that you can 'love' him when you 'don't even know him that well'? Perhaps I've misunderstood? If you're going to talk to him, just be completely open and honest. Explain what you need, how you feel, what level of commitment is acceptable to you etc. He obviously cares for you but it doesn't sound as though he's ready or able (within his cultural restrictions) to make any kind of commitment to you. But then it doesn't sound as though you are ready either. What he seems to be offering is a casual relationship which may grow into something more, but may not. From what you say, this wouldn't be right for you or acceptable to you. With regard to working with him when he's maybe married to someone else - we're talking 5 years into the future - unless you decide to take him up on the 'casual relationship' offer you may well have met somebody else yourself by then so it wouldn't be an issue. Talking it over should help you to clarify some things - you may not get the answers you want but at least you'll know where you stand. Good luck.
Author way_2_tired Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 I know him well enough to love him and consider that he might be someone I would want to marry in the future. I would have to get to know him more first of course before I would know that, so his talking so much about marriage was a bit of a shock and confusing to me.
Author way_2_tired Posted May 14, 2009 Author Posted May 14, 2009 Ok, I give. Do I write in a manner that discourages replies? never really used a form before.
LonelyTiger Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I don't think it's you way 2 tired. Sometimes people on here just don't know what to say that might be helpful. From what you've said, I don't find this particularly confusing - maybe others feel the same but don't want to say so? This guy has feelings for you, he is attracted to you, so he wants more than friendship BUT in his culture he can't date you unless you have made a commitment. He can't make a commitment because you don't know each other well enough and you live on opposite sides of the world. You're not ready to make a commitment either. It seems to me that whatever he feels for you or wants your relationship to be he is bound by the rules of his culture and an LDR just may not be an option for him. I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself but you have to talk to him some more. If you are confused ask him to clarify whatever it is you are confused about. What happened when you spoke last time? Did you tell him how you were feeling? Did you ask him to explain how he wanted things to be? Did you tell him how you wanted things to be? LDRs are difficult enough when both people are 100% committed to making it work and in this case the commitment isn't there. It sounds as though you are setting yourself up for a lot of heartache because he may not be able to give you the answers you want to hear. You could get 100 replies to your post, but not one of them will give you the answers you need - only he can do that.
Maggs Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 I have to agree with LT. It sounds like he's bound to some strict cultural relationship guidelines. Which is definitely a possibility, but unfortunately I know nothing about them. But from what I do hear from some other countries, if he disobeys them, he could be kicked out of his family/disowned, etc. Or perhaps he's only allowed to marry someone from his country/religion. Which is also possible. Unless he sees some way around it, it doesn't sound very hopeful for an LDR + possible future together. But definitely don't go visit to make love to him. It'll break your heart having that connection with him and he not being able to return it.
TMichaels Posted May 14, 2009 Posted May 14, 2009 Ok, I give. Do I write in a manner that discourages replies? never really used a form before. Well, way_2_tired, TBH I was completely lost when I tried to read what you had posted, so I didn't bother replying. But, I re-read it all over again several times, and for what it's worth, here's my take on the situation you find yourself in... IIRC, from earlier posts, this is some guy (a doctor?) who does humanitarian work in Ghana whom you see as a tremendously inspiring and admirable role model. In the process of working with him in the past, you have fallen in love with not only the country, the work, but him as well, and you'd like nothing more than to spend the rest of your life working side by side with this man. I can't remember if you ever mentioned the age difference between the two of you, but I am betting there is one. TBH, sounds like to me that the guy *does* think a great deal of you and while he's glad you share his passion for the work, he's trying to let you down gently that marriage to him is not in the cards. Think about it... Even though he's said "he will always love and care for you" he's made it pretty clear he doesn't see himself waiting around for five more years until you will be able to spend a reasonable amount of time in his country so that he can "date you properly" as apparently is the prelude to marriage that is customary in his part of the world. *If he was* interested, he'd be telling you he doesn't care if it takes five years before you can be together and truly get to know each other, as he wants to explore a future with you as his wife. Regarding him being surprised that you wouldn't date others if you were interested in him -- I think that's another way he's telling you that you would be foolish to put your life on hold for him, and he hopes you won't do that. As far as the comment about "he'd love to make love to you" when you show up in Ghana in December -- well, what man wouldn't be tempted, especially when it sounds as though you either told him you would be open to that, or he thinks you wouldn't be opposed? Actually, that's a pretty crappy thing for him to say, as it sounds as if the culture there is quite conservative -- and if he truly *did* care for and love you, he wouldn't take advantage of you and your brief visit there by making you feel, as you say, "a ho." But perhaps in his own way, what he's trying to say is that you are attractive and desireable, and he doesn't want you to get down on yourself just because he doesn't see himself getting married to you. I dunno... If I were you, I'd seriously reexamine your reasons for going to Ghana BEFORE December, and have it clear in your mind what's the singlest largest motivating factor -- to do humanitarian work OR be with some guy that is telling you in perhaps as gentle a way as he thinks possible, that any life partner fantasies you may be harboring are just that -- pipe dreams. BTW, I agree with you 100% when you say you'd be uncomfortable not having an exclusive relationship with him if he was being intimate with others-- or that you'd have no interest in dating others, if you were dating him. Ordinarily, I'd say you should talk to him and tell him what your expectations are regarding such issues so that he could decide whether any of them were deal-breakers, or so he would know what he needs to do to step up to the plate. But honestly, I think that would be a waste of your time to try and have that conversation, because I don't think this guy is on the same page as you are in terms of "a" relationship between the two of you. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's how things look to me... Hope this helps, TMichaels
Author way_2_tired Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 thanks that does help. yeah, he's a doctor, and I'll be one in two years. I'm working w Ghana because I want to be a doc there and I love international underserved medicine. He is helping me w training to prepare while I'm in the states and training during my trips to Ghana. We are running a branch of a non-profit together that funds medical work in Ghana. he has been the one telling me how great I am. He was the one who originally "put the moves" on me and said "I love you" several times before I did. i would like to think that he wasn't doing that for fun. my heart isn't set on anything other then being a doctor doing international work. It would nice to work with him. Possibly nice to be more then coworkers, but I don't think it would be difficult for me to find somebody else. I'm not sure where his 'no commitment" comments are coming from, whether it's his concern that I'm not "ghanaian wife" material, something he doesn't like about me, the time problem, distance problem or what. Nothing like uncertainty to make you doubt your own self-worth. I'm guarding my heart fairly well though and don't love him that much as I won't allow myself to and little communication doesn't exactly encourage love to grow, so at least he can't break my heart if he tried.
Author way_2_tired Posted May 15, 2009 Author Posted May 15, 2009 and actually you would be surprised how little I know concerning relationships given that I had one and that's it. Medicine monopolizes my life.
LonelyTiger Posted May 15, 2009 Posted May 15, 2009 thanks that does help. yeah, he's a doctor, and I'll be one in two years. I'm working w Ghana because I want to be a doc there and I love international underserved medicine. He is helping me w training to prepare while I'm in the states and training during my trips to Ghana. We are running a branch of a non-profit together that funds medical work in Ghana. What you are both doing and working towards is admirable and it's good to know that your 'heart isn't set on anything other than being a doctor doing international work' because this 'relationship' doesn't appear to be going anywhere fast. he has been the one telling me how great I am. He was the one who originally "put the moves" on me and said "I love you" several times before I did. i would like to think that he wasn't doing that for fun. He may well have been the one to initiate things but the truth is you haven't known him long and have spent very little time with him. He sounds like a decent person but it could just have been a 'holiday romance' to him. According to your other post you spent two weeks in Ghana, during which time you 'fell in love' (you don't mention if it was physical) and then he backed off and you've decided to just be friends because that's what he seems to want. In one of your posts you asked whether you should start a long distance relationship. In that post you mentioned that you had written him the following message: I am trying to lose those feelings for you, since I know that you don't want to be anything more than friends So if you know this, why are you still pursuing a relationship? I don't think it would be difficult for me to find somebody else. Find somebody else then - somebody who lives a bit closer and feels the same way about you. You say that you have little experience of relationships, so forget about chasing a man who lives so far away and clearly isn't interested in anything more than friendship. I'm not sure where his 'no commitment" comments are coming from, whether it's his concern that I'm not "ghanaian wife" material, something he doesn't like about me, the time problem, distance problem or what. Again, repeating myself, but if you want an answer to this you have to ask him. I suspect that you won't ask because you know the answer and you don't like it. I'm guarding my heart fairly well though and don't love him that much as I won't allow myself to and little communication doesn't exactly encourage love to grow, so at least he can't break my heart if he tried. That's good news because if you 'don't love him that much' and 'he can't break your heart' now is the time to move on. Obviously, because of your training and your work together, you will be staying in contact, but you are friends and nothing more - accept that and you will be fine. You may be a busy student but even medical students have some time to go out and enjoy themselves. Get out and meet some people your own age. Relax a bit and enjoy yourself. Date a few guys - even if you don't meet Mr Right at least you'll be getting some relationship practice! Who knows, maybe in five years time, you'll still both be single and the possiblity of a relationship with your Doctor friend in Ghana will become a reality. Or ...... Maybe he'll already be married to somebody else and .....you'll be posting on here about not wanting to leave 'the love of your life' at home in the States while you have to travel to Ghana to work! I really do wish you well - with your studies and your personal life.
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