I'm a Lonely Catch

[Okfine]

you could be a catch to a lot of the opposite sex it doesn't mean you will reciprocate the interest, does that then disqualify you from being a catch? does love always happen for everyone at the drop of the hat like rubbing the magic geanie to make your wish come true? If life were only like that.....The way I see it is he is going through a dry spell of finding the one girl who is on the level with what he wants. Basically what everyone who has a half decent overall package goes through in between relationships.

[start-fresh]

kizik, I almost posted a similar comment in this thread a couple of days ago, but I figured what's the point? It's not my fight. But I've just got to say you are taking Land Shark's comment WAY to personally. I feel the same way as you. I just graduated from college and am starting a new job soon making good money. I have interesting things going on in my life and am young and fairly attractive.

 

All he was saying (at least how I read it) is that a lot of times people are too hung up on feeling sorry for themselves and come here for the sugar coated responses you are getting from the other posters. I've done it myself and you've helped me out in my threads so I know why people need that from time to time and appreciate those words of encouragement.

 

At the same time we always need to be reflecting on past experiences and looking for patterns of why things are happening the way they are. We ALL have room for improvement (or even just a change of some sort) from time to time or when we get in a rut.

[kizik]

Well, how does that affect your overall situation? Maybe things aren't as black and white as you sometimes like to frame them.

 

I don't know. What do you mean?

 

The way I see it is he is going through a dry spell of finding the one girl who is on the level with what he wants.

 

That's a pretty accurate assessment, I'd say.

[kizik]

you are taking Land Shark's comment WAY to personally.

 

I beg to differ. It's all about how things are said. Firstly, I am not, nor was I, feeling sorry for myself. I was trying to gain some support. Secondly, if you come at me like a jerk, then don't expect me to enjoy it or ignore it. I started the thread, he replied, I replied. He was a jerk and I called him on it.

 

Anyway, thanks for writing.

[Storyrider]

I don't know. What do you mean?

 

Just that in your OP, you were feeling blue and overgeneralizing that no one sees your value, "gets you" or recognizes your worth. Well, clearly someone does recognize your worth, even if it isn't the person you were hoping for.

[Okfine]

Amistad: I didn't candy coat anything. If you go back and read my comments there was no candy coating anything. I just chose to deliver my message in a constructive manner, one which would possibly be more inviting for him to entertain. Either way I put it out there, I would not be offended if he chose to dismiss it, that's the thing about giving advice there is a 50/50 that it will be taken or not.

[kizik]

Just that in your OP, you were feeling blue and overgeneralizing that no one sees your value, "gets you" or recognizes your worth. Well, clearly someone does recognize your worth, even if it isn't the person you were hoping for.

 

Thank you for asking an interesting question.

 

You're right; I do think she values my kindness and my interest in what she has to say. We hung out last night and it was LOTS of fun. I NEVER talk about politics or anything of the sort, but that's what we did. She is incredibly intelligent.

 

Having said that, to answer your question, it feels good. I do hope that someone will come along that I am attracted to who also values me.

[start-fresh]

I beg to differ. It's all about how things are said. Firstly, I am not, nor was I, feeling sorry for myself. I was trying to gain some support. Secondly, if you come at me like a jerk, then don't expect me to enjoy it or ignore it. I started the thread, he replied, I replied. He was a jerk and I called him on it.

 

Anyway, thanks for writing.

 

Why do you need support if you're not feeling sorry for yourself?

 

Also, what comments specifically made him a jerk? I'm not being flippant here, I'd really like you to point them out because maybe I'm reading something wrong.

 

Edit: nevermind, found the personal attacks. I think Land Shark's original comments were constructive though, JMO.

[kizik]

Why do you need support if you're not feeling sorry for yourself?

 

That's kind of a loaded question. Have you ever wanted some support so that you don't f*ckin kill yourself b/c you're depressed, or do something stupid?

 

I don't think that has much to do with self-pity; more like safety. And Amistad, I can guarantee you that you have a lot more RL people who care about you than I do.

[burning 4 revenge]

I think there may have been some confusion because I made a joke that was an allusion to another thread that had nothing to do with Kizik that was an inside joke to Land Shark

 

I wrote Kizik when I saw his response in a PM to clarify the confusion

[start-fresh]

That's kind of a loaded question. Have you ever wanted some support so that you don't f*ckin kill yourself b/c you're depressed, or do something stupid?

 

I don't think that has much to do with self-pity; more like safety.

 

Okay, we can agree to disagree on this. I've always heard that suicide threats are a cry for attention. Most people don't want to die, they want to know people around them care enough about them to convince them not to kill themselves.

[kizik]

Let me clarify - it was not a suicide threat. But for me to post a thread like this - which seems like ages ago - means that I ain't doing so well.

[start-fresh]

I think there may have been some confusion because I made a joke that was an allusion to another thread that had nothing to do with Kizik that was an inside joke to Land Shark

 

I wrote Kizik when I saw his response in a PM to clarify the confusion

 

Yeah, because those of us not privy to your inside jokes read that as a reference to something that actually happened and wouldn't have needed to be brought up in that way.

[Okfine]

I've always heard that suicide threats are a cry for attention. Most people don't want to die, they want to know people around them care enough about them to convince them not to kill themselves.

 

I'm afraid you've heard wrong

 

Kizik have you been having thoughts of taking your own life?

[start-fresh]

Let me clarify - it was not a suicide threat. But for me to post a thread like this - which seems like ages ago - means that I ain't doing so well.

 

You're not doing well, but you're not feeling sorry for yourself... but you would like some support. Great. We're all on the same page then.

[kizik]

Not realistic thoughts.

 

But fantasies can be entertaining.

 

In reality, I never would because I have a lot to live for. But it's hard to see the forest for the trees sometimes.

[Citizen Erased]

Let me clarify - it was not a suicide threat. But for me to post a thread like this - which seems like ages ago - means that I ain't doing so well.

 

You're right. I'm sorry for saying you had a vagina.

 

I don't think Land Shark or b4r intended to bring you down. Just for the record.

[kizik]

You're not doing well, but you're not feeling sorry for yourself... but you would like some support. Great. We're all on the same page then.

 

I don't get it dude. Do you want me to just say I am feeling sorry for myself, if it furthers the discussion beyond semantics? Or do you want to just politely visit another thread?

[start-fresh]

I don't get it dude. Do you want me to just say I am feeling sorry for myself, if it furthers the discussion beyond semantics? Or do you want to just politely visit another thread?

 

I'm going to go read the gut instincts thread because I should have just stayed out of this like I had originally planned.

[kizik]

Yeah unfortunately some brands of sarcasm don't translate over the internet. That other one is a good thread though.

[Okfine]

Or do you want to just politely visit another thread? LOL seriously! I don't get the scrutiny either?!?!?

[amerikajin]

Hey man, I certainly don't think of you as a loser. I do think you need to re-frame the way you approach not only your dating life, but your overall social life as well. I think your journey is similar to mine in some ways. I had a break-up a long time ago as well, and it took me a long time to deal with it. In fact I still often reflect on that relationship and it ended nearly 8 years ago now. I've learned a lot since then, though.

 

I joined this site a year ago after a very painful breakup. Nowadays I'm doing a lot better, but it sucks doing EVERYthing by yourself all the time.

 

This is going to sound counter-intuitive, but honestly, I think one of the best things you can do is to start building a social network of friends you can hang out with on a regular basis -- and this network ought to have a lot of male friends. Don't even take dating into consideration, just start being a more social person. It's important to do this for several reasons: yes, you can find girls through friends, but that's not really the reason you should start building this network. You need to start developing more overall social confidence as a person. When you have a regular group of friends to hang out with, you naturally gain more social confidence. It's much better than reading some website which tells you to be confident, and then walking around trying to, well, act confident -- that's malarkey. Real social confidence comes from having people, men and women, getting to know the real you, your interests, your goals, your hangups and so forth. In short, you gotta be a dude. I only learned this lesson fairly recently, but it's one of the most important lessons I've learned in my life.

 

I've made a few friends, and we hang out every week. I've got a good job, I'm in a good school, I like the music that I write, and I think I'm reasonably good-looking.

 

Okay, this is great. This is what I'm talking about. I think you need dude friends to go out with after class or work, either to drink a beer or coffee with. Looking back on it, I used to think that the guys who got girls were the ones who spent time with them, who made an effort to be in their presence, so naturally I tried to spend time making girl friends -- big mistake. What I didn't understand was, the guys were not making the effort to spend time with women; it was the other way around, the women were adjusting their schedules to be with the men they liked. A good ladies man knows this. Don't be the guy friend; be the dude. As a general rule, hang out with women only when they're really and truly just friends (i.e. you have no sexual attraction to them). The only other time you want to hang out with women is when you're both clearly interested in each other. But don't be the pathetic guy who hangs around some friend, hoping to score, only to be disappointed in the end.

 

I've tried to ask a few girls out in the last couple of weeks, only to get rejected. I don't take it personally - I know who I am and I like myself. But I don't think I can afford rejection emotionally right now. Not yet anyway.

 

You're asking out girls who simply aren't interested in you. The way you're doing it is similar to cold calling. You might get lucky 1 out of 20 times, but your odds are low. You need to ask women who are clearly showing interest in you, and to do that, you have to know the signs of interest.

 

Does anyone else feel like they're a catch who goes through life "unseen"? Does anyone feel like they have so much love to offer, but that it often goes unrecognized by the world?

 

Understand one thing about female attraction: women want masculinity. Everything you do -- the way you walk, talk, dress, and behave -- all of that must reinforce your masculinity. If it doesn't, you're lowering your level of attractiveness as a heterosexual male.

 

If you want the perfect example of someone who exemplifies masculinity, look at Clint Eastwood (any age). The dude is a f*cking MAN. He's slight of build. Not an incredible hulk or anything. But just look at the way he walks and talks in his movies. The steely eyes. The ruggedness. Even if that guy wasn't some rich actor, he'd still be a bad-ass. He'd still score if he walked into some cocktail bar at 10pm. He's not some comic like Jim Carrey. He's not some million dollar athlete. He's not going to take any guy in the bar in a throw down. He's just a dude. That's masculinity, dude. That's what women want. Obviously, we can't all be Clint Eastwood, but even if just a little bit of it rubs off, it'll do some good. Find a way to be tad more masculine and just mix it in with what you already have.

[Isolde]

Amerikajin, out of curiosity, would you say your advice applies (in the reverse) to women as well?

[amerikajin]

I don't get it dude. Do you want me to just say I am feeling sorry for myself, if it furthers the discussion beyond semantics? Or do you want to just politely visit another thread?

 

Incidentally, I had missed the exchange between you and a couple of other posters on this thread when I made my first post. I think what others are pointing out is that it's important to be completely honest with yourself. You can say "I'm a catch, I'm a catch, I'm a freaking catch" but if you don't really believe it...you're just whistling in the dark. That's not meant to be offensive, either. I think people are just trying to present another angle to this discussion -- an important one, I would add. Unfortunately, when you read something like that on a message board, you're reading text, so there's no way to know if the poster meant something other than what was said. I've read Landshark's posts over the years (he posted under a different name previously) and he's actually one of the more reasonable and balanced posters around here. My guess is that he wasn't trying to be a smart-ass, he was just trying to be a bit direct, to give you an angle you might not necessarily want to consider, but perhaps should consider.

 

FWIW, I agree with some of what has been said. It does seem like you have a tendency to overreact and take some of the commentary a bit personally. Mind you, I am not one to lecture, because I've been guilty of the same thing over the years -- even now on occasion. I think it happens to all of us when we're struggling to regain our confidence. Just hang in there and try to take all suggestions into consideration, even if some of it might seem a bit blunt.

 

Good luck.

[carhill]

Amerikajin, out of curiosity, would you say your advice applies (in the reverse) to women as well?

Nah, guys just want to have sex with a woman. Enjoy