I'm a Lonely Catch

[Okfine]

One more thing...when you do decide to go back to dating and you start to put yourself out there full force, don't expect it to happen over night. You might be ready for the dating game but romance may not be ready to find you yet. So you will have to go through a lot of ups and downs before love finds you again. Rejection is definitely a part of the process. But being rejected when you are knee deep in a breakup and feeling miserable and unappreciated is very different than being rejected when you are in "game mode". That's why healing and taking a good amount to do so, is crucial.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Land Shark,

it's easy to tell how smart you think you are. You don't know THE first thing about me. I bet it's fun to summarize people, but sadly, that's not up to you and you're wrong, anyway.

I'll just put you on my 'ignore' list. I am sure you have helped THOUSANDS of people on here with your crappy 'advice.' I would absolutely hate to have your crappy, cynical attitude. In short: I am glad I am not you! There are enough jerks on the planet. What makes you think we need one more?

Thanks for the non-judgmental, helpful replies from everyone else.

 

The world abounds with jerks. Just roll with the punches.

 

My advice is this. Don't be too picky when your looking for women. Make your judgments based on how they treat you and others!

[kizik]

I respect your sense of awareness because some people would just dismiss what they are feeling and go out and get involved with anyone who crossed their path in order to mask the pain. You are doing it the hard way, the correct way. I commend you on that and there is nothing weak about that.

 

Thank you; although it must be said that this is a somewhat moot point. Meaning that if someone HAD shown interest in me, and it was mutual, I most likely would have gotten in another R. The fact that I haven't is just b/c I haven't made any connections, not because I'm commendable.

 

Think of rejection as a dissapointment that things didn't go as you planned. The more you see it for what it is instead of taking it so deep and to heart that the more it loses its power and eventually there will be someone who will not reject you, by then you will be fine either way.

 

That is really well-said. Thanks.

 

Don't get worked up by some of the responses given to you here. Some people identify with what you say and see themselves in what you wrote, they are speaking to themselves, not you.

 

Could be true. More likely is the fact that they like to flex their psych muscle, without having EVER spoken to the actual person they're analyzing. It's reductive and ultimately stupid. Also, I've been on here for a long time trying to help people, rarely start threads b/c there are idiots exactly like that dude who go around surfing for people they can try to insult. It's really discouraging that people would waste their time and mine just to be an a$shole.

[kizik]

being rejected when you are knee deep in a breakup and feeling miserable and unappreciated is very different than being rejected when you are in "game mode". That's why healing and taking a good amount to do so, is crucial.

 

I totally agree; although I don't feel 'knee deep' in the breakup anymore. It was a year ago and in my heart I know that I am ready to date.

 

But each rejection makes me think I should just stop trying. I've got enough good things going on in my life to have to worry about whether some girl likes me or not.

[northstar1]

Thank you; although it must be said that this is a somewhat moot point. Meaning that if someone HAD shown interest in me, and it was mutual, I most likely would have gotten in another R. The fact that I haven't is just b/c I haven't made any connections, not because I'm commendable.

 

 

 

That is really well-said. Thanks.

 

 

 

Could be true. More likely is the fact that they like to flex their psych muscle, without having EVER spoken to the actual person they're analyzing. It's reductive and ultimately stupid. Also, I've been on here for a long time trying to help people, rarely start threads b/c there are idiots exactly like that dude who go around surfing for people they can try to insult. It's really discouraging that people would waste their time and mine just to be an a$shole.

 

Well put sir.

 

I'd say that some posters suffer from Schadenfreude, but then I'd be doing my own psychoanalysis wouldn't I?

[Okfine]

You're commendable for listening to how you feel and being aware enough to understand what is good for right now. A guy in your position who is attractive, has a good job, a good group of friends a good head on his shoulders (I can tell by the things you write) and a fulfilling life would have jumped on the first train to debauchery-ville if he were out to continue the self-destruction. You haven't done that. A guy who self-destructs after a breakup throws caution to the wind and goes on a rampage to get as many hooks ups as he can, fully knowing that he will be rejected as much as he will score. The idea that you are testing waters tells me you listen to how you feel and are riding the healing out. That's what's commendable but maybe I am reading it wrong.

 

Now that's not to say that at some point you don't have to give up this idea that you can't be rejected, because you do have to give that up. When you want to succeed in anything you also have to be prepared to lose something along that way. Rejection can be something that is dissasociated from you as a person if you make it that way. I learned to do that with work, I went through a spell of not being able to find work many years ago and the rejection became so debilitating in my search process, I had to sink or swim. I was so close to the edge. I chose to swim and as soon as I decided that rejection was going to be a fixed aspect of the process and one I would encounter more often than not, it lost its power over me. Of course I charged on like a bull and made it past all the negativity and came out fine. It was a very powerful experience that I have since applied to everything in my life. That's not to say at times it didn't help me take a step back to look at what my involvement in the process was, it did, but for the most part it helped me take things with stride. Even when I knew I had to fix things along way, I conviced myself it was not all about me. Most of it was just the way it is. You need to get to a place where it doesn't matter as much anymore. Everyone has down days, but you can't let rejection keep you down, that's the difference.

[Okfine]

Just read your last post. Great you feel ready then you are ready! No, with each rejection you go harder because it means you are closer to that end goal. See, each rejection you pick yourself up after and keep going makes the next rejection less powerful and painful, it also gets you closer to the end result you want. Eventually you accept it for what it is, and it's no longer something attached to you or who you are as a person. Think of a sport, where would the whole industry be if after one goal was made by a team everyone gave up and went home? Sure it sucks to be the first to not get the goal but you die trying.

[kizik]

Okfine,

 

just want you to know that I've read every work you've written to me and it's a great perspective you've got there. I think using your work experience struggles and applying them to your love life is fascinating and oh so true.

 

So it sounds like you're saying, just keep asking girls out. Each time the rejections will be easier to handle and that they're not a reflection of me. I hear ya. Much appreciated. So nice to see such a smart person join the Shack!

[zhsoj]

Okfine,

 

just want you to know that I've read every work you've written to me and it's a great perspective you've got there. I think using your work experience struggles and applying them to your love life is fascinating and oh so true.

 

So it sounds like you're saying, just keep asking girls out. Each time the rejections will be easier to handle and that they're not a reflection of me. I hear ya. Much appreciated. So nice to see such a smart person join the Shack!

 

Seconded.

[Okfine]

That's awesome Kizik, thanks for the really kind words!! Good to see my experiences can be paralleled back to your situation and help. Yes that is what I am saying just keep going. Some will sting more than others, that's natural but a sting is better than feeling like your limbs have been chopped off and you can't move.Thank you zhsoj as well!

[Land Shark]

Land Shark,

 

it's easy to tell how smart you think you are. You don't know THE first thing about me. I bet it's fun to summarize people, but sadly, that's not up to you and you're wrong, anyway.

 

I'll just put you on my 'ignore' list. I am sure you have helped THOUSANDS of people on here with your crappy 'advice.' I would absolutely hate to have your crappy, cynical attitude. In short: I am glad I am not you! There are enough jerks on the planet. What makes you think we need one more?

 

Thanks for the non-judgmental, helpful replies from everyone else.

 

My replies were also non-judgmental. I suggest you re-read my last post. You weren't required to respond by calling me names and trying to undermine the non-judgmental points I was making by calling my advice "crap". I haven't received a response from you yet that required any thought. Just a lot of defensiveness.

 

I don't mind being wrong. So far you've done nothing but prove me right. What is your explanation for why no one else here has responded to me?

 

But go ahead and hit the ignore button if that makes it easier for you to withstand my onslaught. So far all I've asked you to do is look at yourself. Your response is to fly off the handle. Is that what it takes to be a catch?

[kizik]

Land Shark,

 

you're one of those people who invents things that are not there in order to try to torture people and/or appear smarter than them. In essence, you are perfect, the ultimate judge of what is and should be.

 

But the truth is, your "insight" doesn't exist. Likewise, you have given me nothing to think about except for how crappy people can be when they want to.

 

Does it bother you that I like myself? That I can refer to myself as a 'catch,' when you don't have the criteria, the confidence or the ability to do so yourself?

 

You may not be jealous, but you're bitter; that much is plain for all to see. "Withstand your onslaught"? Buddy, your "onslaught" consists of f*cking with people by assuming a lot about them, which - gasp! - people get offended by.

 

You have asked me to "look at myself"? I would recommend the same. Because my impression of you is someone who has no capability for joy or empathy; someone who is angered to see others who are comfortable with themselves.

 

Land Shark, you can keep talking here or in other threads but I'm glad to know, should I run across you again, to ignore your vitriol-laden posts.

 

Good luck with your promising career as an Internet heckler!

[LoveLace]

Hey.

 

I joined this site a year ago after a very painful breakup. Nowadays I'm doing a lot better, but it sucks doing EVERYthing by yourself all the time.

 

I've made a few friends, and we hang out every week. I've got a good job, I'm in a good school, I like the music that I write, and I think I'm reasonably good-looking.

 

I've tried to ask a few girls out in the last couple of weeks, only to get rejected. I don't take it personally - I know who I am and I like myself. But I don't think I can afford rejection emotionally right now. Not yet anyway.

 

Does anyone else feel like they're a catch who goes through life "unseen"? Does anyone feel like they have so much love to offer, but that it often goes unrecognized by the world?

 

I guess I'm looking for encouragement. You have every First Amendment right to call me a loser pathetic idiot, but I'm hoping you won't do so. I don't feel like one anyway. Just lonely and pretty hopeless about dating.

 

 

Story of my life...

 

I haven't had a long term thing in over 10 years. Only short-lived b.s. for relationships since then...and I eventually grew to love the freedom of only having myself to worry about...but it still sucks, yes, to always be the lonely one...I'll even have dinner and drinks alone, sometimes...I enjoy it but deep down it feels pathetic and sad.

 

You sound as though you are comfortable in your own skin and confident, though, I'd think as long as it stays that way, you won't feel like this forever, that's for sure.

[Land Shark]

Land Shark,

 

you're one of those people who invents things that are not there in order to try to torture people and/or appear smarter than them. In essence, you are perfect, the ultimate judge of what is and should be.

 

But the truth is, your "insight" doesn't exist. Likewise, you have given me nothing to think about except for how crappy people can be when they want to.

 

Does it bother you that I like myself? That I can refer to myself as a 'catch,' when you don't have the criteria, the confidence or the ability to do so yourself?

 

You may not be jealous, but you're bitter; that much is plain for all to see. "Withstand your onslaught"? Buddy, your "onslaught" consists of f*cking with people by assuming a lot about them, which - gasp! - people get offended by.

 

You have asked me to "look at myself"? I would recommend the same. Because my impression of you is someone who has no capability for joy or empathy; someone who is angered to see others who are comfortable with themselves.

 

Land Shark, you can keep talking here or in other threads but I'm glad to know, should I run across you again, to ignore your vitriol-laden posts.

 

Good luck with your promising career as an Internet heckler!

 

Well, I know when I'm beaten. You're one cool customer, kizik.

[burning 4 revenge]

Well, I know when I'm beaten. You're one cool customer, kizik.

Internet heckling...

 

So thats how you built your fortune..

 

If thats so, why am I still eating cold cuts for dinner..

[Citizen Erased]

Internet heckling...

 

So thats how you built your fortune..

 

If thats so, why am I still eating cold cuts for dinner..

 

Because you're not perfect. Apparently Land Shark is.

[Land Shark]

Internet heckling...

 

So thats how you built your fortune..

 

If thats so, why am I still eating cold cuts for dinner..

 

You just haven't heckled kizik yet. He makes it worthwhile.

 

I didn't heckle him though, I just stated the obvious. I feel like I knocked over a teacup and a storm spilled all over the place.

 

Because you're not perfect. Apparently Land Shark is.

 

Well, I don't know about perfect. But I am a catch for sure. I just can't get a date for some reason.

[burning 4 revenge]

 

Kizik really has it in for you despite your rather reflective post

 

I just wish I could watch him cook a steak for Gordon Ramsay

[Citizen Erased]

Well, I don't know about perfect.

 

Kizik's words, not mine. Only in essence of course.

But I am a catch for sure. I just can't get a date for some reason.

 

 

Your smart mouth is going to get you hit some day.

[Shygirl15]

I've tried to ask a few girls out in the last couple of weeks, only to get rejected. I don't take it personally - I know who I am and I like myself.

Please don't. Chances are some, or even most of these rejections are out of fear that they cannot measure up to your standards. Not every reject means there's something negative about you.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Wow, I have felt that same way many, many times.

 

I had a few short term (3-4 month) "things" over the last few years, but no one I would call a boyfriend. I had a 4 year relationship many years ago. He wanted to get married, I knew that we were not right for each other. I let go.

 

Then I was basically single for over a decade.

 

Was there something wrong with me?

 

I don't think so. Sure, there were times when I felt doubt or insecurity because nothing meaningful was coming my way. Did I act out of insecurity? At times, yes. But many times, no. I was very confident.

 

I am the same person, give or take, that I was 6 months ago, 1 year ago, 5 years ago. Human, with foibles but also many great qualities.

 

So I met a guy about 6 moths ago. Randomly, sort of. He found me. He liked me. We started dating. He thinks I am the bee's knees. Tha cat's pajama's. The main attraction He absolutely adores me, and I, him.

 

But it was totally random. I didn't "do" anything special. Anyone could look at me right now and pick out flaws and say "that's why you're single" if he hadn't come along.

 

Kizik, you are a catch. It is important that you know that about yourself and remind yourself when you are feeling down. I can't tell you how many times I wondered why I hadn't met that special person. And yet, one day he appeared. Still me, still the same as I always was.

[Isolde]

^

 

This is such an important qualification of the "diagnostic" type advice that's typically given on this board.

 

While it's true that you need to be happy and confident to find the right person for you, it's also true that the majority of people don't need to "change" to find that... so much of it is sheer timing and chance.

[Star Gazer]

Anyone could look at me right now and pick out flaws and say "that's why you're single" if he hadn't come along.

 

Kizik, you are a catch. It is important that you know that about yourself and remind yourself when you are feeling down. I can't tell you how many times I wondered why I hadn't met that special person. And yet, one day he appeared. Still me, still the same as I always was.

 

GREAT advice, Cherry.

 

One thing, Kizik... and perhaps I read you wrong (wouldn't be a first! ) but sometimes I get a sort of grouchy, curmudgeony vibe from you. A sort of bitterness. Perhaps it's just sarcasm, I'm not sure. But if that translates into real life, that's something you can work on.

[kizik]

I didn't heckle him though, I just stated the obvious. I feel like I knocked over a teacup and a storm spilled all over the place.

 

If you want to state the obvious, then you should start by evaluating yourself. What you'll find is that because of your dissatisfaction with self, you project your insecurities onto others in an attempt to knock them down, thus somehow elevating yourself.

 

Chances are some, or even most of these rejections are out of fear that they cannot measure up to your standards. Not every reject means there's something negative about you.

 

That's a good point. Something to think about.

 

Anyone could look at me right now and pick out flaws and say "that's why you're single" if he hadn't come along.

 

Yeah, it would be somebody like Land Shark.

 

Kizik, you are a catch. It is important that you know that about yourself and remind yourself when you are feeling down. I can't tell you how many times I wondered why I hadn't met that special person. And yet, one day he appeared. Still me, still the same as I always was.

 

Thanks millions. And hey, even I'm deluding myself, even if I'm a loser, thinking of oneself as a catch, having a little bit of self-esteem, is never a bad thing.

 

One thing, Kizik... and perhaps I read you wrong (wouldn't be a first! ) but sometimes I get a sort of grouchy, curmudgeony vibe from you. A sort of bitterness. Perhaps it's just sarcasm, I'm not sure. But if that translates into real life, that's something you can work on.

 

No, you're probably right. I can assure you, though, that it mostly emanates from my frustration with people on the Internet. In real life, I'm pretty capable of brushing off the idiots and having a happy attitude. It's harder on here b/c when you make yourself vulnerable and ask for help, well, to have someone disrespect that and take it as an opportunity to kick you while you're down, is disappointing for a variety of reasons.

[Star Gazer]

No, you're probably right. I can assure you, though, that it mostly emanates from my frustration with people on the Internet. In real life, I'm pretty capable of brushing off the idiots and having a happy attitude. It's harder on here b/c when you make yourself vulnerable and ask for help, well, to have someone disrespect that and take it as an opportunity to kick you while you're down, is disappointing for a variety of reasons.

 

I hear you on that.

 

I think we all give and take advice differently, depending on where we are in our lives. FWIW though, I was referring to your responses in other people's threads, not your reaction to the responses you receive. I'm sure it's just frustration at some people's idocy, but it's still something I noticed.