kizik Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hey. I joined this site a year ago after a very painful breakup. Nowadays I'm doing a lot better, but it sucks doing EVERYthing by yourself all the time. I've made a few friends, and we hang out every week. I've got a good job, I'm in a good school, I like the music that I write, and I think I'm reasonably good-looking. I've tried to ask a few girls out in the last couple of weeks, only to get rejected. I don't take it personally - I know who I am and I like myself. But I don't think I can afford rejection emotionally right now. Not yet anyway. Does anyone else feel like they're a catch who goes through life "unseen"? Does anyone feel like they have so much love to offer, but that it often goes unrecognized by the world? I guess I'm looking for encouragement. You have every First Amendment right to call me a loser pathetic idiot, but I'm hoping you won't do so. I don't feel like one anyway. Just lonely and pretty hopeless about dating.
TigerCub Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I don't think you're a loser at all. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure pretty much everyone here has felt the lonliness you feel at one point or another. I, for one, feel like that right now. I'm told by my guy friends that I'm what every guy wants because I'm pretty and girly on the outside but I like a lot of guy things, and I dont bring drama to relationships and so yeah sometimes I question why I'm having a hard time finding real relationships that last when I'm 'such a catch', but on my more objective days I just think that everything happens on its own time and I shouldn't settle. I think you need to believe that too. Don't settle for something just because you're alone, don't get too down on yourself if a few people turn you down, and don't think that you're the only one that's feeling this way, just because you haven't found the right person that will truly appreciate you for who you are and meet your standards doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you, the time for it just hasn't come yet. Good luck
Ruby Slippers Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Yeah, man. I'm feeling ya. I'm still in the middle of my single year (and growing tired of it ), and last night I wanted to indulge in some doob, make some awesome music, and make some luuuuuv, with my man (who at present does not exist). I created a fun evening for myself, anyway, but it was tinged with some sadness, and I was missing that special guy. I guess these times make you value the good stuff that much more when it is there. Doesn't mean I can't think it's kinda sucky, though! The encouragement: the right person for you will see the good in you, and all that great love you have to offer. Hang in there. Once you find her, all this loneliness and sadness will seem so far away.
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 OP, share all those good qualities with everyone and consciously put that "woe is me" crap out of your mind. Cease to examine every woman as a potential, rather seeing them as fellow human beings. Diffuse your quest for the other. IMO, the best way to do this is to travel. It opens you, and also allows you to experience people and places as they are, with no expectations. FWIW, I felt like you for many, many years. Waste of my valuable time and energy
Cora Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I couldn't of said it better myself! I feel the exact same way right now. I have so much love to give.... just haven't found anyone who wants it yet. I just keep telling myself that whoever is deserving of my love must be someone pretty darn special! That is the only thing that keeps me going in times like these. It's rough being alone sometimes but I know I have to use this time to work on myself and prepare myself for whoever I'm meant to be with. All the rejection, hurt and disappointment along the way is just preparing me and bringing me that much closer to where I need to be. I try not to take things personally which is hard for me but I'm working on it. So yeah I know how you feel.
Author kizik Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 Thank you guys for your responses. They mean a lot to me. I will try to take it easy on myself and keep my head up. Thanks again. -Josh
BobSacamento Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 You can't look at rejection like the woman doesn't like you. She doesn't know anything about you. Perhaps you aren't her type or maybe she already is seeing someone. If you ask enough women out you will have success, that's a fact. It's all a numbers game. I look at my friends who are still with their HS girlfriends in awe. There's so many women out there to meet why settle at 24 y.o. lol.
Land Shark Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Being a "catch" in your own eyes doesn't mean much. Nor does it mean much to be called one by a woman who is only ever your friend. The fact is you're alone for a reason. What is that reason? That reason is what makes you not such a catch. Feeling sorry for yourself never fixed anything.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Being a "catch" in your own eyes doesn't mean much. Nor does it mean much to be called one by a woman who is only ever your friend. The fact is you're alone for a reason. What is that reason? That reason is what makes you not such a catch. Feeling sorry for yourself never fixed anything. Youre starting to sound like TBF
Isolde Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Don't listen to Landshark Kizik, this forum has opened my eyes. There really are a lot of people in our position, or who were in our position for a long time. There was nothing wrong with them as far as I know. Sometimes it just takes a long time to find a relationship. The uncertainty part sucks, truly. It's like Touche said once, one of the funny things about life is people tend to get what they want, just not at the ideal time. You have to try to outrun your longing, if you will.
Land Shark Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Don't listen to Landshark That's right. Don't listen to me. It would be too painful. The truth hurts.
Isolde Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I think I know the difference between tough love and overly harsh, cynical advice. What kind of rational argument is there, for your assertion that being single for more than 6 months or whatever your arbitrary cutoff point is, points to a deficiency in the person?
MeMyself&I Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Kizik, I am totally with you. It's funny I was just e-mailing one of my girlfriends about this very thing the other day. Everyone says you can't be happy with someone until your happy with yourself and being alone. Well I've been alone. For about 3 1/2 years now with two short term relationships since then. I'm a good person, attractive, educated, funny and sincere....who wouldn't want me. lol Yeah, right! I just always find players and losers. So you are not alone. But I do agree with the sentiments on this thread that you need to get out what your feeling on here, own those feelings and then get rid of them like a bad habit. Letting negative, bad self-sabotaging feelings stay around too long eventually are projected onto how we interact with others. So I too am glad you posted this thread cause I was able to own my similar feelings and now I'm going to take them and flush them down the toilet where crap belongs!!
Land Shark Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I think I know the difference between tough love and overly harsh, cynical advice. What kind of rational argument is there, for your assertion that being single for more than 6 months or whatever your arbitrary cutoff point is, points to a deficiency in the person? I would never say someone is deficient. You misunderstand. My point is a true catch would only be alone for an extended time by choice. So either kizik is not such a catch at this time, or else his exile is self-imposed. But to say "I'm a catch, but no one is catching me" seems a bit backwards. So what is he? Good looking? Funny? Smart? Creative? Sensitive? Are those things what define "catch" to you? Maybe he's all of those things. I'll accept that. Then why is he alone? Insecurity? Solitude? Fear? Desperation? Social anxiety? Depression? He's not yet over the ex? What is it that these numerous women he's putting the moves on are picking up on? Something is making him not such a catch. So either he's choosing it. Or else he's not such a catch right now, and he has some things to work on. In either case, self-pity can only amount to a call for attention. And it doesn't solve anything.
burning 4 revenge Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I would never say someone is deficient. You misunderstand. My point is a true catch would only be alone for an extended time by choice. So either kizik is not such a catch at this time, or else his exile is self-imposed. But to say "I'm a catch, but no one is catching me" seems a bit backwards. So what is he? Good looking? Funny? Smart? Creative? Sensitive? Are those things what define "catch" to you? Maybe he's all of those things. I'll accept that. Then why is he alone? Insecurity? Solitude? Fear? Desperation? Social anxiety? Depression? He's not yet over the ex? What is it that these numerous women he's putting the moves on are picking up on? Something is making him not such a catch. So either he's choosing it. Or else he's not such a catch right now, and he has some things to work on. In either case, self-pity can only amount to a call for attention. And it doesn't solve anything.well my sources tell me that it took seven years for kizik to move up to a supervisory position in management.....plus hes not 6'2...
Isolde Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Kizik, you're a guy, giving you the advantage in asking girls out. Don't forget that, while women can and do ask men out, they largely prefer men to make that first initiative. So do it! Shark, thanks for the clarification, and it mostly makes sense, except for this: sometimes people genuinely go through spells of time, where they don't meet anyone they are interested in, and who also likes them, despite socializing and getting out there.
Land Shark Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 sometimes people genuinely go through spells of time, where they don't meet anyone they are interested in, and who also likes them, despite socializing and getting out there. I think it's rare that what you describe is all there is to it. well my sources tell me that it took seven years for kizik to move up to a supervisory position in management.....plus hes not 6'2... Well we already know that those are showstoppers. TBF wouldn't touch him with a 2000 mile long pole.
JohnnyBlaze Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Then why is he alone? Insecurity? Solitude? Fear? Desperation? Social anxiety? Depression? He's not yet over the ex? What is it that these numerous women he's putting the moves on are picking up on? Something is making him not such a catch. So either he's choosing it. Or else he's not such a catch right now, and he has some things to work on. In either case, self-pity can only amount to a call for attention. And it doesn't solve anything. The problem is in determining what the problem is. Most people have this delicate way of saying no to someone. Socially, it's less awkward, but it's also less productive to the one being rejected. Being told "you're a nice guy" or "I like you like a brother" doesn't help a guy change anything. And few people have the capability of viewing themselves from a disinterested, third-person point of view. Most people are either too generous or too hard on themselves to provide accurate self-feedback, so they're forced to rely on feedback from others, which as I've already stated, is generally not altogether honest or accurate. Catch-22. At least, that's how I see it.
Author kizik Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Land Shark, you seem like the kind of person who judges without knowing; who puts down others because it somehow reinforces your position, whatever you think that is. Your "advice" is crap. It's people like you who make me hesitate to post personal things on this site. I hope you get over yourself and learn not to be a jerk to everyone. And I have no idea what burning 4 revenge is talking about; there is no 7 years nor managerial position. To people who responded sympathetically, it means a lot. And Isolde, I feel ya about girls wanting guys to ask them out. Just asked a cute girl out yesterday so we'll see what happens.
northstar1 Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I think it's rare that what you describe is all there is to it. Well we already know that those are showstoppers. TBF wouldn't touch him with a 2000 mile long pole. It's not that rare. There are times, despite going out with friends, being active, meeting new people, that you just don't find anyone you match well with, or vice versa. It has nothing to necessarily to do with your own merits or confidence.
Author kizik Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Being a "catch" in your own eyes doesn't mean much. Nor does it mean much to be called one by a woman who is only ever your friend. The fact is you're alone for a reason. What is that reason? That reason is what makes you not such a catch. Feeling sorry for yourself never fixed anything. Thank you SO MUCH. WOW. You have really opened my eyes. I will be thinking about your totally valuable encouragement for the rest of my day. You're right, I am alone for a reason, and that reason is that I CREEP GIRLS OUT. I just start drooling whenever they start talking to me, and masturbating. I'm so creepy, none of them ever like me. Land Shark - your contributions around here help no one; why don't you join a flamer forum where harassing people is part of the deal? I suggest something involving video games. Better yet, you could do yourself and the outside world a favor by attempting to say nothing. I know it's hard; you've got to jump and defend yourself ("someone is wrong on the Internet"). See, you're a big tough man who is in the position of knowing cool and uncool. You could see from a mile away what a loser I am! And man, it sure sucks being this much of a loser. I scare girls off, wherever I go. I mean, I am a freak! And buddy, you called it. I'm defective and there is DEFINITELY something wrong with me, seeing as how I've been single for OVER SIX MONTHS. Can you imagine? well my sources tell me that it took seven years for kizik to move up to a supervisory position in management.....plus hes not 6'2... Nope, I'm not 6'2". But your sources, which are pretend, are retarded. You don't know anything about me, and certainly not my job history. I have a good job that I need to go to now. Hey, all you haters? Why don't you just stick to beating up your girlfriends, and let the nice kids play here?
windows Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 my my, people may be cynical but even in the loneliest hours, the light of the world can still shine through. there is never an end all to love, we just learn as life reveals our mistakes like a father to his son. Happiness is not found in wallowing in the past but looking towards the future. What may hurt in the present may prove to be just a stepping stone to cherish the future. the proof of this forum here shows that there are many people out there looking for deep relationships all the time. being single and alone is no cause for grief but a time to reflect and strive forward. The only losers in this world are those who stop bothering to play the game of life.... and damn I just lost THE GAME. Kizik, I feel for you.
Land Shark Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 So do I, ironically. I never called you a loser. I just said there is a reason you're feeling alone. And that reason is either because you're choosing to be alone, or else you have things holding you back. That doesn't make you a loser. And I'm not here to criticize who you are. But I am here to tell you that feeling sorry for yourself and reacting favorably only to people who give you pats on the back achieves absolutely zero. I know from my own experience with that failing strategy. It's not hard to read between the lines of your responses. If you react like this to me here, how do you feel when a woman turns you down? I think you must take it much harder than you admit. And how are you going to be in a relationship with a woman? They trigger your insecurities without even trying. They criticize you. They challenge you. They expect more from you. Are you going to get upset and run away? I think you will. Because you can't even face up to some faceless, nameless stranger on the internet who happened to push a button. Empathy is the easiest and weakest form of support, and it will do nothing for you. In your case, it's like trying to give a fish a glass of water. I'm the only one here who bothered to challenge your "catch" self-assessment. I don't dislike you. I think you're fine. But after you toughen up and shrink your ego a bit, then maybe you'll be a "catch".
Okfine Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Kizik a year is nothing in the grand scheme of things and considering you got out of a painful breakup. There are breakups that are a lot harder than others. It has taken me minimum one year just to start thinking of dating again after a signficant breakup. I had two of those in my life, they were very tough and the last one was the worst and it took me a year and a half just to entertain the idea of dating again. You are completely normal, not because of my personal experience, but because this is what I have read to be true in the process of healing. In fact I respect your sense of awareness because some people would just dismiss what they are feeling and go out and get involved with anyone who crossed their path in order to mask the pain. You are doing it the hard way, the correct way. I commend you on that and there is nothing weak about that. A year is nothing and you have not stopped healing yet, which is why you feel you can't afford rejection yet. Finding a new person before you stop healing is not going to cure your heart this is why so many rebound relationships fail and leave others in a lot of pain, because of selfishness to hurry out of pain at the expense of someone new. Healing cannot be rushed. I think the fact that you are talking about it is a sign that you are aware of the new phase you are about to enter. Let this be a sign that though your fears may tell you that you are not ready, your common sense is telling you that you have to start moving on. Slowy start to let go of the fears of rejection. Think of rejection as a dissapointment that things didn't go as you planned. The more you see it for what it is instead of taking it so deep and to heart that the more it loses its power and eventually there will be someone who will not reject you, by then you will be fine either way. Give yourself a little more time to process where you are and where you want to be, and sooner than later you will have to make a move to the next step. Don't get worked up by some of the responses given to you here. Some people identify with what you say and see themselves in what you wrote, they are speaking to themselves, not you.
Author kizik Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Land Shark, it's easy to tell how smart you think you are. You don't know THE first thing about me. I bet it's fun to summarize people, but sadly, that's not up to you and you're wrong, anyway. I'll just put you on my 'ignore' list. I am sure you have helped THOUSANDS of people on here with your crappy 'advice.' I would absolutely hate to have your crappy, cynical attitude. In short: I am glad I am not you! There are enough jerks on the planet. What makes you think we need one more? Thanks for the non-judgmental, helpful replies from everyone else.
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