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How am I supposed to form a relationship when I've turned into something of a player?

Citizen Drawn

By Citizen Drawn
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Citizen Drawn Established Member

Citizen Drawn

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When I broke up from my LTR a few years back I got really hurt and I've became pretty much anti-relationship, although deep down I think I'm quite lonely and would like one. The problem is, I like the attention that comes from meeting and winning over women. I have the opposite problem from a lot of men here, I don't lack confidence, and I love meeting and charming women. The problem is, how on earth do I go from this into a relationship? I don't even know what a date is anymore. I've tried a couple of relationships recently but I've become bored really quickly. I'm not getting any younger I'm early 30s and all my mates are wondering what the hell I'm doing passing all these women up? I'm a bit confused about it all. The easy option of just going from woman to woman seems to be something that I've been accustomed to and I thought I'd get over it by now but obviously not. :(

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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i see it as avoiding intimacy. just saying... i recognize it too. :eek:

 

i can play all i want - don't NEED a man - want a man - just like to play with them on my own terms.

 

if one can convince me that things should be different - i'd be surprised. i kind of like it this way - no one to make demands, boss me around, tell me what to do, when to do it. have friends and family to have lots of fun with whenever i want. have men that go when i have something interesting i want them to participate in.

 

ya, why do i want them with me all the time? :laugh::laugh:

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Citizen Drawn Established Member

Citizen Drawn

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Avoiding intimacy is probably a part of it, took me a long time (and a lot of new women) to get over a breakup. Pretty much everything collapsed after that and I went a bit crazy for a while. It drew me out of myself and I didn't care very much about anything and hence I've ended up in the situation where I've had a lot of experiences with women. It's weird, the less I've given a f*ck the more women seem to pick up on it. But this doesn't lead to anything serious, so I've a feeling I've got to change my whole approach if I do want something serious. I don't even know anymore :(

peteyj Established Member

peteyj

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I think I"m in the same boat as you. I have no desire to get close to anybody but I love meeting new people and getting to know them. Heck half the time time for me it's just about talking to some random woman, getting to know her briefly, getting her number, and then thats it. I don't know why but many times I don't even want to go beyond that point. A few I have and it was fun, but like you, I get bored easily or in one case one female I did really like but I seemed to unconsiously do everything wrong just to make sure she didn't like me. Unfortunately she seemed to start to care for me for whatever reason but it didn't change the fact I had no desire to get close to her..

 

For me the way my marriage ended sort of caused me to not give a damn about a lot of things, including woman and relationships, and having no desire to get close to anybody is probably a good and bad thing. How do you change it? Who knows... Maybe you shouldn't change or maybe you should. For me people can call it what it is but I have no desire to change or ever get married or really be in a serious relationship again. Having fun and meeting new people, yeah, but more than that, no. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. But maybe I have issues. Who knows. So I see your situation like mine and ask do you really want to change or are people around you trying to convince you to change?

mental_traveller Established Member

mental_traveller

Posted
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When I broke up from my LTR a few years back I got really hurt and I've became pretty much anti-relationship, although deep down I think I'm quite lonely and would like one. The problem is, I like the attention that comes from meeting and winning over women. I have the opposite problem from a lot of men here, I don't lack confidence, and I love meeting and charming women. The problem is, how on earth do I go from this into a relationship? I don't even know what a date is anymore. I've tried a couple of relationships recently but I've become bored really quickly. I'm not getting any younger I'm early 30s and all my mates are wondering what the hell I'm doing passing all these women up? I'm a bit confused about it all. The easy option of just going from woman to woman seems to be something that I've been accustomed to and I thought I'd get over it by now but obviously not. :(

 

Don't conform to other people's expectations. If you prefer being uncommitted, and just dating around, then keep doing it as long as it makes you happy or content.

 

It may happen that you eventually meet someone, and consider that life with them is more appealing than the single life. Then again, you may be a permanent bachelor, in which case settling down will be a TOTAL DISASTER.

 

I basically have the same issue, I happen to have met someone really cool, but I still am not 100% sure that I am suited to monogamy. All I know is that trying to contort yourself into something you are not, will never work.

mental_traveller Established Member

mental_traveller

Posted
Posted
i see it as avoiding intimacy. just saying... i recognize it too. :eek:

 

i can play all i want - don't NEED a man - want a man - just like to play with them on my own terms.

 

if one can convince me that things should be different - i'd be surprised. i kind of like it this way - no one to make demands, boss me around, tell me what to do, when to do it. have friends and family to have lots of fun with whenever i want. have men that go when i have something interesting i want them to participate in.

 

ya, why do i want them with me all the time? :laugh::laugh:

 

Having sex with someone is pretty intimate - more so than most married couples who do it once a week or less. IMO a better term is "avoiding commitment".

 

Avoiding commitment is not avoiding intimacy, it is simply desiring independence and freedom (and possibly variety) over a monogamous relationship.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

Posted
Posted
Having sex with someone is pretty intimate - more so than most married couples who do it once a week or less. IMO a better term is "avoiding commitment".

 

Avoiding commitment is not avoiding intimacy, it is simply desiring independence and freedom (and possibly variety) over a monogamous relationship.

 

i disagree totally.

 

avoiding commitment is totally different than avoiding intimacy.

 

also, sex does not necessarily have to carry the qualities of being intimate. sex can be sex - just for the sheer fun of wanting to have an orgasm or to be physical with another person for that moment. it's separate. most people just don't recognize it that way.

 

everyone is different. intimacy covers a huge spectrum of emotional attachment and trust. just because sex is involved doesn't mean there is intimacy involved as well.

TigerCub Established Member

TigerCub

Posted
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Citizen Drawn I hear ya!

I've been doing the casual thing for a while now, and its weird because now that I'm looking for more of a real relationship, I don't even know how to have one anymore. I honestly don't know how to date in a relationship setting as opposed to the dates that usually end up in just a hookup.

 

Also, speaking from a girl's prespective, I think what makes it difficult is that I've gone out with a certain type of guy for the casuals and now when I go out with any guy I just assume that he's that type of person so I have to proceed with caution until I guess I'm more sure of his intentions and I hate overthinking everything and that's what makes me unsure of how to go about dating....and then of course that seems like so much work and the casuals look appealing again because there's nothing to decode and stress about and no messy emotional attachements...and so the cycle goes on...

 

Let me know how it goes when you figure a way around all this ;)

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Citizen Drawn Established Member

Citizen Drawn

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So I see your situation like mine and ask do you really want to change or are people around you trying to convince you to change?
I think your situation is very much the same to mine. The answer to that is I don't know! The one thing that I would like to change is being able to be in an intimate relationship with someone where I can let my guard down. The thing is I'm not sure I want to let the guard down. I'm a bit confused . Thanks for the replies everyone, nice to know I am not the only one going through this.
dreamergrl Established Member

dreamergrl

Posted
Posted

I don't see you as a player. A player truly enjoys winning over women and then being alone in the end. However, if what you say is true, then you obviously don't like the end result of what you are getting. Instead, I think you're just afraid of becoming committed again.

 

Have you tried slowly moving into a relationship with a girl?

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