Spreckles Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Summary: Met online May 2008. Inseparable from the get go. Found out pregnant in August - he "broke up" at that time but stuck around as a FWB basis - Miscarried pregnancy - he still stuck around as FWB. Didn't like the pressure of me looking for LTR...didn't feel he had a romantic connection. I still stuck around like an idiot. We've spent every holiday together. We see each other 1-2 days a week minimum - golf, watch movies, watch baseball, cook dinner, fool around, etc. He made himself out to be emotionally unavailable so I just took that as the reason he never says "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you", "Love You", etc. (I just know I'm missing stuff to say - I'm just now starting to sort everything out in my head) So...I have been unemployed for the last 3 months - I start my new job this Monday - He decided to take a day off from work so that I can take him golfing as an early bday present. I would be paying $65/each off of my last unemployment check. He is in a "band" (although, never once played a gig since I've known him for a year) and has practice on Wednesdays so we decided to have him come over practice to get up for the early tee time. Things have been going great for us recently so I had gone to the Home Depot and got keys made and was going to give him the keys on Thursday morning so that he knew he was a big part of my life and what not. Well, he comes in from band practice, it's about 1AM, and we fool around and he falls asleep. Well, I just had this weird gut feeling about something but had no basis for it...well, he was sleeping in the bedroom, snoring, and I had gone to the restroom. I just couldn't get the nagging feeling out of my stomach and so i went to the living room and *gasp* looked at his text messages. The things he was texting to this girl (that if I recall is his ex-gf) were a slap in the face to me because all this time I didn't think he was capable of ever saying "sweetie" "I miss you" "I can't wait to see you" and signing the texts "XOXO". So, I went into the bedroom and sent him home. He was in shock and was begging and pleading for me to tell him why but I just couldn't. I felt guilty enough for looking at the texts as it was...I just wanted him out of there. The breaking test message point was seeing one he sent right before coming over to my place telling her he has today off because he's going golfing (which I was paying for, btw, as an early bday present for him) and would "his beautiful" like to go to lunch after. OUCH. He tried chatting with me via yahoo - he asked what my problem was...I told him to read his text messages then he comes back and calls me psycho and says I took them out of context. Tells me that he doesn't handle paranoid people and that I have too many issues. That stung me because he's always made himself out to be a "good friend" who will listen to my issues and what not. So I was like..f*ck you...and a few other words then blocked him on yahoo and from being able to text message my cell (sprint has that option). I didn't cry until this morning - I've been as strong as I can but today i'm in the "hurts so much I want to throw up" phase. I'm crying and sick to my stomach and just longing to email/call and just give him a piece of my mind. But, I think that may be the last thing I should do. He already calls me psycho - don't want to give him ammo. Don't know how to get past the hurt. How to cope. So frustrating. (
VAmama Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Ouch..... I can see how that would hurt. I feel like I may be in a similiar situation (FWB with ex) now, so I can relate. But as much as it hurts.... you did the right thing. He is NOT worth your time if he is lying to you and not treating you with respect (esp. if you two are sleeping together). It will hurt for awhile, but try to keep to NC. It is the more dignified thing to do. You are the better person; do not stoop to his level! Wallow for a couple days to get it out; then pick yourself up, get busy, and keep your mind off him and the situation. You deserve better than this. Keep posting too; it helps! Hang in there.. it does get better, though maybe not as fast as we would sometime like.
Excellent Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Comfort yourself by thinking you are free from a cheating a-hole. Atleast now you know why he didn't want to step into a LTR with you. The wound is still open, and you need healing. Stay away from him, never contact him again, and don't answer if he contacts you. You WILL heal, with time. The only one who is psycho here is him, thinking that he could continue with this as long as he wanted, unnoticed. Get healed, and find someone who appreciates you!
Author Spreckles Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 I don't know what the situation is with this girl - I don't even know if I want to know. I was such in a fog when I was reading the text messages that I don't think I fully grasped everything. What I did grasp, however, was the words that I have been craving to hear from him, yet never have (How are you Beautiful? Can't wait to see you. I'm glad I got to see you last night. xoxo etc etc blah blah blah), were throw to her and never to me. That. Hurt. HORRIBLY. He made himself out to be this emotionally unavailable person. I searched all of the internet about how to handle being with someone like him. Mid-April we had an issue and I essentially put him in "time-out" and asked him to think about what he's willing to do to keep me in his life. About a week after that he sent me an email that said this: So I guess we are just not going to talk anymore? This really sucks, cause I miss you. IDK how to keep you in my life and make you happy too. I wish we could go back to how things used to be, where we just had fun and lived life as it came along. No stress or pressures. You asked me to think about how I wanted you in my life, and that is too hard a question to try and put into words, all I can think of is that it sucks not having you in it. What do you want? Is it too late to fix or work on things? I sent him an email telling him that it wasn't too late and then we never really got around to talking things out and figuring us out. We just sorta went right back into the same roles as before and just living each day as it was. I backed off considerably to make sure he didn't feel as though I was smothering him (he never said I was...I just never wanted him to feel that way). Here we are now - a few weeks later and I'm devastated, hurt, embarrassed, frustrated, mad, etc. etc. etc. I put so much more into the relationship than I EVER should have and now I don't know if I'm more upset at him for obviously taking advantage of my kindness or upset at myself for not completely bailing out of it all sooner rather than later. I don't know what I want to do right now - I just need to get through the weekend. I'm doing everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I can to not analyze everything and what not. It's hard - so very friggin' hard - but I have to keep my dignity and my pride. I blocked him from IM'ing me and from texting me but he can still send emails to my gmail account or my yahoo. I already deleted him from my cell phone but it's not like I don't know how to find the number again. I feel like this is a cycle that is never-ending. Part of me wants him to send me that "I'm sorry and want you back" email thinking that I would write back and say "Please don't ever contact me again...but tht part of me also knows I would never do that that. Then the other part of me just wishes and wishes and hopes that he really does feel more embarassed and screwed up about it all and doesn't want to embarass himself more so then he'll stay away and never contact me again. I would be hurt but the hurt would eventually go away. Another part of me wants to send a final email telling him how hurt I am but I know that's fruitless because he knows he hurt me - he just doesn't care. Additionally, I want the strength to send him a "Please don't ever contact me" email but I don't know if I can do that, either. I think that's again giving him some sort of power. I'm rambling...I'm so sorry...and I would go back and re-read to edit but I have to pick up my kids now. Yay for distractions! lol
Admiral Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 he "broke up" You BROKE UP, you AREN'T in a relationship anymore. He made himself out to be emotionally unavailable so I just took that as the reason he never says "I miss you", "I can't wait to see you", "Love You", etc.Because you aren't his girlfriend, and he isn't act needy. I just couldn't get the nagging feeling out of my stomach and so i went to the living room and *gasp* looked at his text messages. The things he was texting to this girl (that if I recall is his ex-gf) were a slap in the face to me because all this time I didn't think he was capable of ever saying "sweetie" "I miss you" "I can't wait to see you" and signing the texts "XOXO".Reading his messages is extremely disrespectful. So, I went into the bedroom and sent him home. He was in shock and was begging and pleading for me to tell him why but I just couldn't. I felt guilty enough for looking at the texts as it was...I just wanted him out of there.You arne't his girlfriend any more, so why are you upset that he is dating other women?
webmuse Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Yeah, I'd have to agree, you weren't in a relationship anymore (at least a 2 sided one), sounds more like a friends with benefits thing..not a committed relationship. You said you were planning on giving him a key the following morning, so I wonder if you both knew how serious you were about the relationship or maybe you assumed he felt the same. Strike one against a relationship is you already have trust issues with him or you would have never read his text messages. That how you want to live out this relationship always wondering wondering wondering?
2sunny Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 let's get this straight... you dated - sort of got pregnant not pregnant still saw him for sex only he used you - you used him an agreement was made that no expectations were expected he did his thing you expected more he did his thing you got mad you threw him out you still expect more? are you kidding me? why? why would you even want to be in the same room with such a jerk? my friends don't stab me in the back that way... especially not my FWB guy... face the facts - he used you and you let him... he just used you to an extreme degree (golf and all) stop it! he's never going to be capable of giving you what you want. he gives it to someone else... you have only settled for the crumbs. is that what you still want?
NoIDidn't Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 C'mon guys, you're being too hard on her. She agreed to a FWB thing because she always wanted more (it seems) but he wasn't in it with her for that. She's hurting because of what she feels she gave him and didn't get back in return. This outcome is exactly what happens when a woman uses sex to get a man. He will gladly accept the sex with the mindset that we (the woman) said it was no-strings. He took FWB literally but she meant it figuratively. He's thinking about the "benefits", she's thinking about the "friends". It rarely ever works out without someone getting their feelings hurt. I hope the OP doesn't attempt the FWB thing again knowing she really wants more than that.
Author Spreckles Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 She agreed to a FWB thing because she always wanted more (it seems) but he wasn't in it with her for that. This pretty much sums it up. He would tell me he's not seeing anyone else - doesn't have an interest - etc - and now look... If you were on the outside looking in you would honestly think (as did all friends and family who didn't know the inside dirt) that we were a couple. Save for the affection part of it all. It really was a one-sided relationship - I just simply ignored it all. I longed to hear the words "I miss you" or "I can't wait to see you" or "I love you" or ANYTHING but I just accepted his "friendship" as his "love". Again, I just assumed he really was an emotionally unavailable man (just like my 2nd husband) and that if I want to be with him I'll have to accept that. Anywho...I'm okay with the harshness. I need the brutal honesty. I know that there's probably a lot I'm leaving out but in reality it is what it was - we were really close and good friends that happened to fool around, too. I attributed it to intimacy and he attributed it to a really good gal friend that he can have 'benefits' with, too. The fact that he continued to tell me that he was not seeing anyone else ,and had no desire to right now sine he wasn't in an emotional state where he should be seeing anyone else, was why it was such a slap in the face when I saw that he was seeing someone.
Author Spreckles Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 why would you even want to be in the same room with such a jerk? my friends don't stab me in the back that way... especially not my FWB guy... omg - I can't believe I didn't even think of it that way. Absolutely my friends (my true friends) would never do me like he has. face the facts - he used you and you let him... he just used you to an extreme degree (golf and all) stop it! he's never going to be capable of giving you what you want. he gives it to someone else... you have only settled for the crumbs. is that what you still want? You are so right...I used him in hopes that he would eventually, one day, see that I am a great person. He used me for the friendship, a buddy to golf with, a friend to chill and have a glass of wine and watch South Park with, etc...and the benefits. He probably knew I wouldn't really go anywhere. Anytime that we've had a "time out" from one another - it's never really lasted more than a week. The last time or 2 he would contact me. Not sure what his thinking is right now...not sure how much I care. I can only assume that he's going to let me "chill out" then he'll contact me in a week or so... or not...who knows. I'm attempting to close all doors of "easy communication" (text/IM/email) with him because I'm weakest that way.
2sunny Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 he'll come back when he figures you've settled down and the drama has passed. also - when he figures he's waited long enough for you to be desperate enough to let him use you the same way again. don't do it. let me ask... what did you get from him? you say - not much... but what was it that was enough to just continue with the crumbs?
Author Spreckles Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 let me ask... what did you get from him? you say - not much... but what was it that was enough to just continue with the crumbs? It seems silly thinking about it all now...but we had a lot of fun together. Whenever we were together - we never fought. It was always over IM or something whenever we 'discussed' issues. We could spend hours just watching movies or South Park or playing video games. I would look forward to the golf days because it was a solid few hours of just us and talking and joking around. But then there were the times when I really "needed" him and he wasn't really there for me like I would have hoped. It seems like if I wasn't feeling well that he was 'allowed' to get away with checking on me by sending a text asking how I am and then saying he'll check on me later. Every once in a while he'll send a message asking if I needed anything but it was always at times when it would seem to inconvenient to ask someone to drive 20 minutes to bring me soup. So I always said thanks but no thanks. Then there were those occasions would I have to actually ask him to come over because I would like his company. Majority of the time he would come over...but occasionally he would convince me to come to him. The first few months of the relationship - we held hands, we kissed, etc. After the whole August incident (the pregnancy and him breaking up with me shortly after and right before my birthday) this hasn't happened anymore. Even when we communicated that we would date one another only to see how things would work out - no pressures - just enjoying each other and life - it would be hard to get affection out of him. If we were sitting on the couch, I was the one cuddling up to him. If we were golfing, I was the one making the intimate/flirty gestures (hands on his leg to make a point..etc). Whenever we parted ways....the hug....was always the firmest/strongest hug ever. Almost seemed as though I had to pull away from him when we were saying goodbye's. Sometimes I would follow-up with the visits later that night, if it's not too late, or the next day by saying thanks for coming over or I had a great time...usually the response was either "yeah, it was cool" or no response at all. About a month ago he said that I "fish" for responses so he doesn't respond on purpose because he thinks I'm only trying to elicit a response out of him. I suppose to a degree this is true. --- wow...in reading back...it's even MORE clear how absolutely one-sided it all way. He had his cake and ate it too. he never needed to call me his girlfriend or be "MySpace/Facebook official" but reaped all the benefits of one.
webmuse Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Ugh. Isn't it crazy when we stay with someone in hopes one day they will be what you want? Like any minute now it's gonna happen?. or maybe some other person is going to be the reaps of all your hard work if you let them go now..... I used to want to fix my guy.. I put 15 years into fixing my guy.. I'm over that, I want someone that doesn't need to be fixed.. doesn't that sound so much better?
Admiral Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 "MySpace/Facebook official" what does that mean? I think it means they set their myspace/facebook relationship status to "in a relationship" or whatever it is.
Author Spreckles Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 I think it means they set their myspace/facebook relationship status to "in a relationship" or whatever it is. Yeah - my daughter judges my relationship as to if his status says "in a relationship" or "single". LOL
Author Spreckles Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 ...I want someone that doesn't need to be fixed.. doesn't that sound so much better? That sounds MUCH better. I guess I can honestly say that I was settling. We had a lot of fun together - but when I really wanted him around it seemed like I would have to ask for it instead of him offering. He tells me that he can't read minds - but, you know, men who are compassionate and caring don't need to be told to be that way...they just are. I was at the Angels game this afternoon and I saw this man who looked similar to my ex. I was talking to my friend about it and she said, "that sucks - but that just means he's a dime a dozen" and that is so true.
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