Am I just fooling myself? Do I have no hope in getting my relationship back? *LONG*

[annxxdisaster]

So hm. Where to start. I am 20 he is 26. It all started from when he changed our plans to some plans with his friends. The next time we talked (which was the day after) no one ever said that we were broken up, it was all more implied by my actions even though I told him that I still wanted to be with him. We both cried and parted with a kiss. He had told me to call him in a few days after I told him I bet if I waited a few days his answer would have been different. I called him Thursday (after sending an e-mail and a few texts), being non-responsive isn't unusual of him for me or his friends. He is one of those people who are amazing at leaving there phone at work, home, etc. (I've seen it happen). So, on Thursday, I find out he considered us broken up for the past week while I had no idea. Then this all happens...

 

I had texted him on Sunday asking if he was free at all, he said that yes he was. Then I asked him if he and his dog could stop by at all Monday night. I never got a response, so I asked Sara to drop me off at his house. I knocked, and when he answered, he looked excited to see me. I was just trying not to cry right then. I gave him his present, and we talked for a little bit. Then I asked for my movies/stuff. When he was giving me my movies, he was jokingly trying to slip some porno his roomate had but I caught him.

 

Then he just sat down next to me and we were watching the Brewers game, either I asked when he wanted me to leave or he told me he had to run and pick up his Motorcycle at 8:30, I don't remember. But I kept telling him I could leave right then and he just said, "No, no it's fine. Stay." You know when you're sitting next to a boy or someone and you can just tell that they want to touch/cuddle/whatever you? Well, I could sense that. I don't remember what all transpired but I just bumped into him for no reason which caused him to put his arm around me. After that, I just burried my face into his chest and cried and held onto him. Then I asked about the breaking up thing. He said he still wanted that. Soo, then we both were crying and I asked him to just look me in the eye and tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. And that there was no chance of it ever happening again. He didn't want to say it to me again because he felt that, "It's been said enough already" and that "It just sounds contrived" because I gave him a 'list' of things to say. He also told me that he couldn't say about it never happening. But finally I got him to look at me and he told me that he didn't want to be with me--and I'm probably over-analyzing it to make myself feel better but right now I don't care, he just didn't seem like he owned the statement.

 

He told me about how you know when I would get upset about things how much it actually bothered him, and if I was texting when we were just hanging out. I knew they both irked him a little bit I just had no idea that it was that much--obviously a communication thing. I really wish he would have made it much more clear how much those things bothered him, because I would like to think that I would have tried really hard not to at least act out on things as much. I told him that if he would just call me on Friday, I wouldn't be so upset or that upset if I didn't see him until sometime on Sunday--while he said he didn't know if he believed that, I personally know it was true. Because that was my biggest thing that triggered me getting upset was the fact that I felt like he was ignroing me on purpose or something.

 

He told me that I would be able to find someone else, which my reply was, "I know I can. I'm not afraid of not being able to find someone else to date, I know that I will be able to. Maybe it is just me, but I just felt that you were special and blah blah..." To that he said that he adored me and still adores me and a big part of him loves me. Then I just asked if we could try again for a week, and he said that of course a week would be great but he couldn't do it. Then I said fine, just one night. And then he said that he could do that.

 

At about 8:30 he left to go get the motorcycle battery out and then called me at 9:15 asking if I called him and I didn't. And then he told me that he would be home in a little bit and I said ok. Then he came home. Then we were cuddling on his couch and talking about my book and just acting like everything was normal. There were a lot more random smiles of admiration between the both of us though. Then we went to bed. We both were crying as we were kissing each other, and yes we did have sex. But I'm just proud because I did not sleep with him in the hopes that it would get us back together. I just wanted ta'. And theeen, the whole night he kept pulling me into him really close, like he used to do when we first started dating. And I got my nightly, "Night babe." outta him. As soon as we woke up and I was shifting about, he pulled me into him again and held me real tight. Our morning routine was normal, and when we got back to my house I kissed him goodbye and said, "Well, I guess this it, goodbye." He said that he had fun last night and sounded sad that it was. And then I made some comment about how it was his choice that it was, and he said, "Yea, I don't know." I ended it with, "If you ever change your mind you know how to find me." Then I kissed him goodbye again, and the worst thing about the whole thing was.. when I was walking back to my house I looked over my shoulder because I've noticed him before watching me walk away and I was wondering if he was doing it then... and sure enough he was.

 

 

So, I texted him later that day asking if we could take his dog for a walk sometime next week. The day after he said yes, he thinks his dog would like that.

 

Am I just fooling myself and building myself up on false hopes?

[cybersister]

it is difficult to say- how long were the 2 of you together ?

had you made long term plans?

sounds like he likes/ loves you but just wants to hang out together without the expectaions of coupledom

[annxxdisaster]

It was a year and a half right on April 13th.

 

I was thinking about offering to step back from the seriousness of the relationship and propose a 'first date' again. I'm willing to try it slow and stop any negative patterns we had in our relationship and just, try it all again anew.

[cybersister]

but is that what you want?. If what you want is a serious relationship, why settle for less? You know if you are starting over, you could start over with someone new .

look at what went wrong in this relationship, learn from it and apply it with someone who is not just wanting to be freinds with benefits.

[annxxdisaster]

I don't want a friends with benefits type deal by any stretch of the imagination.

 

I think this is what I want. I really love him, and there isn't a thing I can honestly say I'd want to change about him. I've been craving that "first date" spark, and if I can have it with him it's better than someone new to me.

 

But if that isn't the case on his end, then I guess I am just wasting my time? :\

[LucreziaBorgia]

He will take whatever you give him at this point, and he may even seem to like it. That does not mean, however that he wants you back as a girlfriend.

 

Your best bet, as painful as it is - is to walk away from this and never look back.

 

I held on to an ex for months after he broke up with me, and it was just like you described. For months. And you know what came of it? Nothing. I gave and gave, and he took and took until I got exhausted and gave up. Nothing I did or said made him want me back or miss me. Nothing.

 

I suspect the case is the same here too.

[See_ya_on_the_flip]

How LONG did you see him? That matters...of course the very best thing for you to do is NOT what I did: Started healing by having ZERO contact (NC) and then took the bones they toss as a "sign" they want me back.

 

This guy spent a last night with you for whatever reason, just not the one you wanted sweetie....sorry.

 

So don't contact him, it's really the very best for you and, if HE wants to contact you (like you said) he'll find you.

 

Peace

[annxxdisaster]

How long did I see him? You mean that one night? Well, I suppose I just spent the night... so for like 12-13 hours. But if you mean like how long our relationship was, it was 1.5 years.

 

I really appreciate everyone's advice, and despite what I truly wish happens--you're all probably right about getting on with it. But I realized something today, no matter how many times I read I need to move on and that it's a lost cause I don't think I'll actually understand that until I make my own mistakes and learn my lesson first hand.

 

I don't know. Deep down I think that it will work, my gut says it can. I don't know if I should trust it, but in the end I would rather hurt really bad and at least know that I tried instead of living my life never truly being able to let go and always wonder, 'what if?'

 

But really, thank you all for your insight. It has helped a lot!

 

(I just love bunnies )