Married, want divorce after finding out my wife slept with rich guy during separation

[markroby]

 

 

Me and my wife separated a year ago, and some how managed to work things out. I told her about the things I did while we were separated and she semi told me about the things she did. Well later on I found out she had slept with someone else during the seperation by reading old files on our old computer. Turns out he was 22 years older than my wife. she was 32. Not only was he much older he was a lawyer. I asked her why would she sleep with an old man, she says because he made her feel wanted. I assumed it was because he had money, she said that wasn't the only reason but it was a factor. I kept asking her about all this and she was like just put it in the past, put it in the past. Well I'm like let's put it in the past and get divorced and remain together. I mean our marital vowels are broke, let's start all over. When I knew there was something she wasn't telling me about it was like put it in the past, now it's like put everything in the past except the marriage. I still love her and we have a child together. I just don't believe in marriage any more. She knows I'm not the type to foool around and I'm a good father. She finally agreed that we will divorce and stay together. I'm just wondering am I wrong for feeling this way. I want to put the fact that the woman I was married to would stoop so low as to sleep with a man simply because he has money.

[2Confused4thought]

Before I can even opinionate on this I have to know, did you sleep with anyone else during this separation? And also would it have mattered if this guy was not rich or old? I would think that the reason why she got involved with this person would be, as she said,he made her feel wanted and also I think that she did not want to get her heart involved so that particular person/situation was safe for her.

 

I also have to say that I do not think a divorce makes sense in a case where you actually want to remain together. It's almost like your punishing her by de-throwning her, taking away her title as wife. You mentioned there are children involved and that right there is reason enough to remain "married" if you do want to remain together, why go through the troubles of a divorce to remain together. How about her last name, custody of the chidren, property all the things that have to be legaly sorted during the process of the divorce. I just do not see this making any sense in your case so it brings me to ask what is your true motive?

[Tony T]

You're never wrong for having your feelings...but all this is pretty goofy. The age and wealth of her bed partner when the two of you were separated is irrelevant. The lady is your fallible wife and if you can't forgive her and get on with your lives, stay away from her. Getting a divorce and remaining together is nuts, in my opinion. If you stay together seven years as a divorced couple under the same roof, you will be married again by default under the common law statute regarding marriage.

 

I am very grateful for the opportunity you have given me for seeing even another side of the human experience.

 

By the way, would you have felt better if your wife would have slept with an unemployed street bum?

[markroby]

Maybe dethrowning her is exactly what I wanna do. Which is putting her on a less level than she was before because she slept with someone, gave her body to someone for financial purposes. She didn't mind telling me about the other person she slept with because she knew that she lowered herself to a common street walker with this man. When we agreed to get back together, we agreed we would be honest about everything that happened while we were apart and she wasn't. I told her about the women I was with. She lied, just like she wasn't honest about alot of things that caused the first separation, which caused me a lot of pain and heartache. I think the simple reason I'm staying with her is for my child. Another reason is her mother who is constantly interferring in our marriage had alot to do with our separation has old fashioned values and think a woman should be married. I mentioned it to her over lunch and she said that is a bad idea because what about if you get sick and she would need social security, I told her I have a handsome life insurance policy.....she was happy then. I didn't bother to tell her it's going into a trust fun and my child won't be able to touch it until he's 21. To be honest with myself I guess I have alot of hatred and want revenge. Also, the separation last time destroyed my credit because of some of the things that she did, like running up bills and all other sorts of things. I don't ever wanna give her that control to destroy my life again. I guess in general I don't want to put my heart completely into this again. So to be boyfriend and girlfriend with her is cool, but to have her as someone special that I could call my wife. She has lowered herself in my eyes to standards that I can't except.

[markroby]

As far as taking care of the paper work and dividing stuff up, I have already done that. As for sleeping with the bum..........I think she did. She acted virginal in the beginnning of the marriage cause she knew that is the kind of woman I wanted, later on I found out she had been with so many people and done so much stuff I lost total respect for her. Still I tried to make it work.

[2Confused4thought]

Wow. Ok well hun I'm sorry to say but you cannot be with someone you have "hatred" towards. The anamosity you hold will only tortue you. If you feel so strongly that she has demoralized her self and in your eyes is no longer a woman who deserves the title of "wife" then why even stay with her, wouldn't you want to be free to find your self a woman who does meet your standards. Sounds like she has really done a job on your heart and mind and I understand what your going through, if you read my post on the "copin" forum tittled "been with him 3yrs but he has a 4month old w/ another girl" you'll see that I my self and am with someone who has disgraced himself and although I would like to hate him for it, my love will not allow me to. I now that I can't leave him yet but I also now that if I stay and hold anamosity towards him it will only make things worst, for me!

 

Still at the chance of sounding hipocrytical I have to say that you should leave her. A woman who does not value or respect her self is not worth the pain.