Lisa616 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I'm new to this site, but have been reading and have learned a few things here. Here is my situation. My husband left in January; I thought it was what I wanted. We had been married 18 years and have a 15 yr. old and a 7 yr. old. Things had been bad for a year; no fighting or anything like that-just polite to each other and absolutely no intimacy. I thought there just had to be more out there than this. I now realize that was a huge mistake; I just got caught up in my own little world. So now, although he refuses to say that he wants a divorce...he keeps telling my mother and our kids that the "door is still open," he refuses to even speak to me at all. I write him shorts notes each week regarding my remorse and wish to heal our marriage; he reads them, but says that this is what I wanted and that he will no longer allow me to control what happens in our relationship. Everyone tells me just give him space and don't push ultimatums but it is so hard just living in limbo. Realistically, if a man won't even speak to you about anything, do you think I am just living in denial about ever hoping for some kind of reconcilation? Thanks for any and all comments!
webmuse Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Did your husband leave because he wanted to, or did you ask him to leave?
Author Lisa616 Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 I asked him to leave; but I guess I didn't expect him to and then I thought when I said I was wrong and let's work it out, I guess I expected him to come right back. But it's been almost 4 months now and nothing.....he has sent me two text messages, but they have been almost angry in tone. He has told me that I control and manipulate. He has also told my mom that he doesn't know which me is real....the one who pushed for separation or the one who wants to work it out. The thing I find odd is that he will say these things to my mom but never to me. He gives me absolutely nothing to go on. It is very confusing to us all.
webmuse Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 this is going to come out way sharper then I mean it.. but you got what you asked for. You were trying to manipulate hime.. and you are now too. I know exactly where you are at, I did the same thing.. and yep, I figured I'd throw him out, he'd change to suit what I wanted & come back as soon as I said that it was ok. I was wrong, and so were you. That's the way the game goes. Just remember that reason why you asked him to leave.. it's still gonna be there if/when he comes back. I've been split from my husband for 4 weeks myself, its confusing, its crazy its devastating.. but you know what.. it's necessary. For myself I am going (attempting) the no contact route ( well I haven't been all that successful so far).. I realized when I first thought about going NC, it was to shake him up so he would see what he was missing, now I realize it's for my own sanity.. talking to him just screws with my head.. maybe you need some clarity too.
Author Lisa616 Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 You are right about it screwing with your head. It drives me crazy when he comes to get the kids....I just avoid seeing him at all which seems to suit him fine. He told me he wants to see the kids without "reiterating our relationship from week to week." I guess I understand that and think that maybe no or little contact from me is what I should do. I have read that this is called detaching with love...giving him the space he needs and myself time to work on my own self. I just hat that it has been 4 months or so with nothing. I just think if he doesn't think he is ever going to come back or wants a divorce, he should just say so. It's cruel to keep us all hanging on some kind of a slim hope. It's all absolutely crazy making that's for sure!! Thanks for your response.
carhill Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 So, living separately.... How's the MC angle going? Did you ask him to go and he refused? If he wanted to go, would you? What do *you* want?
delajoonal Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 my recommendation would be lots of MC. and also, just let him know every now and then you were in a FOG and you are the REAL you now, and you will give him the space HE NEEDS as long as he needs, as you understand what you did was a mistake and you can see how it woudl seem controling etc...but you love him and are willing to wait, MC and whatever it takes to make the marriage work. but at the same time, NOT giving him the control to use in a vendictive way either...very sticky situation. this just may take a lot of time and MC and patience... good luck:)
Author Lisa616 Posted May 10, 2009 Author Posted May 10, 2009 No, he refused MC...although he did offer some time ago before he moved out and I said no. I am going myself now and it's helping me a lot with my co-dependency issues. I think patience and space are probably what is needed.....it's not like I have another relationship to jump into and I need an answer from him now. I just always project out into the future and to the worst case scenerios all the time instead of just living in the moment. It's just hard to go from one day living together and the next being treating like arch enemy #1. It makes me sad that he will probably not acknowledge Mother's Day; however, I have to find the joy in the day for myself and kids and try very hard not to allow my negative thoughts to interfere. Easy to say, hard to do!
2sunny Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 he's doing what you asked... to stay away. you have work to do and you need to do it for yourself. Mother's Day??? he's not YOUR mother! what are you thinking? let your kids acknowledge you. that's more appropriate. maybe you are looking for validation from the wrong sources???
carhill Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Try this: Continue counseling until you can reflect upon your OP here and feel that the space and silence is OK and your validation comes from within. Then, at that point, contact him via the most effective means for you two (I'd prefer phone or e-mail) and share what you've learned about yourself and ask him to meet with you and discuss your future as a married couple. At that point, if he refuses or is otherwise indifferent, file for divorce unilaterally. Do not discuss it with him. If he is receptive, ask him to join you in MC.
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