Shadowkitty Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I have been dating "Wayne" for a year and 4 months. I currently live with him and work with him at his family's business. For the past month he has been sort of pushing me away more and more. He's really hard to get to talk about anything but I finally got him to. At first he said that his dad just buying him what he wants and not actually spending quality time with him is getting to him. And I asked if that was what was messing up our relationship. (I didn't think it was but I have to word things just right to make him talk about it) He said no and eventually said these things: "loves me to death", "would do anything for me", "doesn't know what he wants", "I was more eager to learn and do things with him like play the video games he likes, work on his car motors, go to car shows with him, etc." The only reason I've showed less interest isn't him or the activities. It's the people that are involved. When working on his motors (I've not done it before so I'm learning) his dad gives looks and comments that are equal to why don't you know that or how can you be so stupid? When I'm asking questions so I don't mess up something he just spent thousands of dollars on. Or the people at the car shows shrug me off because I don't own the same kind of car. Therefore, I'm not part of the club. It's things like that that make me uninterested. So, back to the conversation. We have agreed to try but I can't even tell if he is. The past week I have put every effort into showing my interest in him and his hobbies. Last night was going so nicely. We went to dinner with his dad and step mom and his nephew. We were holding hands, smiling, cuddling. We got home and were watching a movie together and I told him that he makes me happy and he said, "that's good." His usual response is "You make me happy, too." With an adorable face that he makes. Little things like that. His looks are different. I've only ever been in one other relationship. It was an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship that ruined both my friendships and family relations. I don't have anything else to compare this to to know if I should just give up now. His dad has said that out of all the girls "Wayne" has dated, I'm the "best" and he doesn't want to see me hurt. "Wayne's" step mom has said that even if he does end it with me, I will not lose my job and she has even offered her spare bedroom until I get on my feet. I really love him. I love my life with him, I love his family. I love everything that I have gained in meeting him and his family. I'm a more independent, confident, and capable person than I ever have been. I don't nag, I don't pick fights... I just want someone to look at this situation who isn't too close to it and give an opinion.
Kamille Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 First, a question, so that I can get a better sense of the relationship: What about your interests and hobbies? Does he show an interest in those?
Author Shadowkitty Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 I don't have any "true" hobbies but most of our interests are similar. The kind of tv shows or movies we like. Music is same. Animals. Food. And I an genuinely interested in him and his interests. I guess that is just the kind of person I am. I "mold" to my surroundings.
Author Shadowkitty Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Also, I meant to add, he does show interest in things I like.
Kamille Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I don't have any "true" hobbies but most of our interests are similar. The kind of tv shows or movies we like. Music is same. Animals. Food. And I an genuinely interested in him and his interests. I guess that is just the kind of person I am. I "mold" to my surroundings. I can relate. I'm a "moulder" too. But I think what's happening here is that you're losing yourself in the relationship, he's therefore unhappy, but the solution he proposes is selfish: he feels the relationship should be more about him. Did you tell him why you felt his interests weren't exactly the greatest spaces for you? In a healthy relationship, you should be allowed to support the other's interests (which it sounds like you're doing), without having to make them your own priorities. You're allowed to have a life too, one where you fit in, feel valued and respected.
gopher Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Totally agree with the above post...obviously you love this guy, so don't abandon the relationship, but explore things you like to do separate from him. You don't always have to be together, in fact it's healthier if you each have things you like to do outside the relationship.
Author Shadowkitty Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 I have told him and I repeated it in the recent conversation we had. He seems to understand and says he thinks I feel that way because I'm insecure. Thank you for your other responses. I don't know how to respond back though. Thinking about it, and I don't know if you'll understand me or not because I almost don't , what you've said is close to what's going on but what he does isn't as ...drastic? maybe? too harsh of a word I think. But again thank you.
Kamille Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I think I understand. What I have to base my opinion on is one post, and a very distances perception. So my perception is obviously an extreme oversimplification of what's going on. If he feels you are insecure, what solutions have you too brainstormed to help boost your self-esteem?
Author Shadowkitty Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 It's not the me having separate things because I do go out with friends and family or even by myself and were both fine with that. It's that I showed more interest in "his things" earlier and after feeling pushed away, not necessarily by him, I have lost interest and that led him to think we are "too different" is what he said. For example, his car. He bought it and we were both going to fix it up for shows, do the work on it, buy parts, clean it up for shows, stuff like that. He goes every two weeks to a club meeting. When they made shirts, I wanted one because it was suppose to be a team thing with me and him and they said I couldn't have one because I didn't own that type of car. So I got more distant from the club more and more because I didn't feel that they wanted me around. Which I've also been less likely to help with the car because people from the club would be there too. I felt excluded when he said he wanted me included. He took me not wanting to be around those people as a complete turn around of my own interests which really isn't the case. I love working on the car and detailing it. It's fun and a great way to spend time together. It's the environment that pushed me away. And I've had time to think it over right now so I probably didn't explain it as good to him.
Author Shadowkitty Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 I think I understand. What I have to base my opinion on is one post, and a very distances perception. So my perception is obviously an extreme oversimplification of what's going on. If he feels you are insecure, what solutions have you too brainstormed to help boost your self-esteem? We really haven't brainstormed together on how to boost my self-esteem but that might come up next time I find him in a good spot to talk.
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