Owl Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 You're on the money in being honest and telling her that you don't trust her anymore. Have you stated the exact comment about "I can't tell my husband" that you read in her journal during your discussions with her? Tell her that it's clear that she DID know that she had "crossed a line"... But then again... There's no point in fighting that NOW. Right now...first step is...END CONTACT. She sent out a couple of resumes...but has done nothing since. It sounds to me like she may have just used a stall tactic to get you to stop from filing and talking with the kids...but now is back to status quo. You need to sit down, and write a list of the things that you REQUIRE to even consider reconciliation with her at this point. I'd suggest: 1. She show you active evidence of seeking a new job...EVERY DAY. 2. She send an NC letter to OM, stating that there will be NO more contact of any kind between them, other than the absolute minimum required to continue work...that it should demonstrate to him that she's chosen to work on her marriage and she can't do that while he's still in the picture. 3. Marriage counseling...with a counselor who can help you deal with the damage that she's done. 4. She seek ways to rebuild your trust in her...it's HER job to do so, not yours. YOUR job is to give her the opportunity to do so. 5. The two of you need to sit and actively discuss the contents of her journal and emails. She needs to know that you snooped...you need her to see what you saw. You need to bring these to the table...you need to make it clear to her that SHE needs to own fixing this problem...you've fought as hard as you can for the last year. IF she doesn't feel the same way...time to file.
jwi71 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 5&10, Uh...so what's changed again? She still work with her "true love"? Yes. In MC? Doesn't sound like it Filed for D? Nope. So...aside from some arguments...uh...maybe I missed it...what's changed? Oh yeah...her three day escape where she suddenly found her love for you and the family again...so much so she will end her EA, quit her job and commit to MC. Uh-huh. Sure. Hey...I've got some ocean front property for sale in Arizona...cheap. Basically...she figured out how to manipulate you better. Every day she goes to work she continues her EA. No doubt about it. She's just a better liar...that's all. And...to be blunt...stop being a whiny little wimp. You want control? Take it. You have options but you obviously prefer to sit on your azz. I know this because YOU have done basically nothing. You want things done on your own terms...then freakin' do something already. Lets see...you could tell her boss or file for D or tell her family, your family and all you know or move out (taking the kids of course)...lots you CAN do...you simply WON'T. You have all the options and control any person on Earth does. You simply refuse to ACT. She quits her job today or you file for D. But you won't do it. You'll drag this out and post occasionally about how bad you have and how she won't change. And why would she... Care to actually ACT? Or keep on doing nothing?
65tr6 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 5&10, You want control? Take it. You have options but you obviously prefer to sit on your azz. I know this because YOU have done basically nothing. Totally echo that. 1) What have you done to work on yourself since the d-day ? List me 3 things. (hint : suffering slow-death does not count) 2) Dont go to MC. You are wasting your time. MC is totally useless unless you both are motivated to work on your marriage. Right now, your wife does not want to be in the marriage. The way I see this.... 1) Your wife wont quit her job which means the EA/PA continues 2) You continue to beg/pead with her You cannot control what she does but you CAN control yourself and take CHARGE. Are you ready yet ? Or you want to drag this on a little longer ?
whichwayisup Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 The light went off in her head and she's realized just how much she has to lose..The problem is, she STILL isn't willing to totally come clean - Even if it hurts you, pisses you off, knowing exactly how she feels, and what she thinks IS a start to get the ball rolling, whether it be separation/divorce or you two do counselling to fix this mess she created. Fact: You taking control and calling the shots has shaken her, but not enough to immediately quit her job and walk away from the OM.
seibert253 Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 5 and 10. She still doen't get it. I'd sit her down and tell her this. It's obvious because she's never acknowleged that what she was/is involved in is an affair. She's never ended contact with OM, and she continues to work with him. IMO even with this last "breakthrough", she's still gaslighting. Therefore I would sit her down one evening and tell her you are divorcing, and give her the papers. Tell her you are going to tell the kids but you havn't decide when or where. Also advise her you are letting everyone on your list know what is happening, and most important WHY. Then it's 180, 180, 180. No conversation about anything but the kids and the divorce. Give it a week or so and see what happens. Then go from there. If this 2X4 works and really changes her thinking, then you can decide how to approach it. If things don't change, then it's time for her to go.
Darth Vader Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 Not wearing her wedding ring? Oh, buddy, you know she was screwing this OM, probably for a long time. How come you never told her Boss yet? No time like the present! Oh, and I agree with the other posters.
lostsunsets Posted June 15, 2009 Posted June 15, 2009 It was a stalling tactic for sure. When you decide that you have had enough, don't even discuss it with her. Just sit the kids down and tell them mom is a cheater and that she won't stop. There is no sense in dragging it out longer. I can tell by your post that you are weakening and losing self respect. Take care of yourself and the kids. Tell everyone, including her boss. Then you will really see if she wants to reconcile or not.
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