Nikki Sahagin Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I was thinking about all of our stories, and how they are, all of them; unique. The thing that unites us is our grief and loss. But all of our stories are exactly that; stories. The pain is individual to each of us, just as the ability to cope or not to cope is individual also. Whilst thinking about my own 'story' I think back to the girl I was at the time.....a few people have written to me that I should remember the time when I was happy before him, and now that I can get back to that. What I realised is, I was never truly happy before him. I suffered with depression, anxiety and agrophobia, so when I met him, although i'm sure it was ME that pulled me out of that insanity, he was the crutch, he was instrumental in my recovery. We were best friends and used to talk about and discuss everything. The connection was immense. But I only wanted him when he had someone else; when the element of competition came in. Throughout the relationship, though I loved him, I was still broken by what i'd been through, my own issues. I was no angel. I did a lot of bad things. I broke his trust, didn't communicate, hit him. If anything it was probably me that broke us down first. Realising that, fills me with a lot of guilt, especially because I realise now how much i've changed. When we broke up, I could see all the ways i'd gone wrong. Again the guilt and the self-realisation was insane. Its not that he didn't do things to hurt me too, but all I could focus on was what I'D contributed...after all, thats all that I could learn from. When we had a second chance, i'd grown and changed. I didn't play games or pull away, I was honest, I communicated and I loved him. This time - he pulled away. Maybe it is a case of what goes around comes around. But I realised it was me carrying the weight of our relationship. I don't know if his job plunged him into a depression; he was always stressed, if mentally he wanted someone new. He said he was just so stressed and though we'd tried everything. But we HADN'T tried everything. I knew we hadn't. There was so much more to try. All that matters though is that one person gives up trying. Then there is no use fighting to get them to see that there is so much more that can be done, and if you still love one another, there is NOTHING you shouldn't try...to keep that love going. He says he still loves me...but yet believes there is nothing left to try. I still love him...but believed there was so much more to try. All that matters is - he gave up. That hits me like a sledgehammer to the chest. I have to take on board, my errors from the start. Its not that I was a bad person or that he is now. Its that we had an intense and insane connection/lust/desire/friendship which transformed for me into the most heated desire and on the flipside, the most purest love i've ever felt for anybody. Even at my age, I knew I could be with him forever. I'd endure any suffering for him and us. But he wouldn't. I don't know why, how or where it went wrong. I don't know why he stopped trying. But I guess inside I always wanted him to save me. I'd spent years not coping with my issues and he came along and made me feel FREE, but when reality set in, I was dependent on him for that. Maybe I need this to learn and value my own strength, power and to realise that I can love. This is the greatest pain I have ever felt - even through years of depression and anxiety attacks, because he WAS my rescuer. Loving him made me feel fulfilled, purposeful and strong, but when he pulled away, it made me feel weak, lost, desperate. There's always a space in my heart for you. You were the friend and lover that brought me up from the bottom of the ocean when I was lost and drowning. You took my hand and we swam up together. But the way things were going, we would have drowned each other. I still hope one day we could be friends. I believe our connection is a once in a lifetime thing, but if not......in that time, in that place, for those moments, you were the reason my heart was beating. I know you were always down on yourself, scared to trust, but I would never have hurt you. I hope life keeps you safe, well, strong and happy. Even if you become a bad person in life, I hope you are looked after. My heart still wouldn't wish you anything bad. Take care. You were part of my story
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