Am I selfish?

[rbuterl406]

Hello all, I am not new to reading Love Shack posts, but this will be my first post.

 

I will be 5 months deep in a relationship with a woman that means quite a lot to me. She is beautiful, smart, and everything I could ever imagine wanting to be with. I only have eyes for her, she is my one and only. Long story short - I am in love.

 

Of course, this feeling is reciprocated, but what I am recently concerned with is our lack of communication. In the beginning, everything was all "mushy" with the talking every single night until 4, 5, even 6:30 the next morning, and the constant "I love you" s. We've been through our fair share of bumps in the road (I know, in only 5 months? lol), but we've made it through with flying colors every sigle time.

 

We are approximately 4 hours apart, and neither of us has a reliable car, so its impossible to visit as frequently or as often as we would like, not to mention we are both full time students. Also, she is the mother of 2 beautiful twin girls, who are her world. She has a very busy daily schedule, and I feel very fortunate to be a part of her life. Guys, she is really special to me.

 

But recently we talk less and less. At first it was just that we weren't talking on the phone late into the night as often, then not at all. We then started to text throughout the night. Now I'm lucky to hear from her twice a day and we usually have very short conversations. Once she even went 2 whole days (an entire 48 hours) without so much as a "hello", and that REALLY disturbed me. She says that she is "busy", but I'm just wondering, how much more busy can you be getting? You have the same exact schedule that you had when we first begin dating.

 

To be fair, this is my first relationship, and her first long distance relationship, so none of us are pros. Not to mention that I am absolutely smitten by this woman because she is my first love. I guess I'm still not over the initial thrill of being in a meaningful relationship, and for a while, I was a bit of a "bug-a-boo", texting and calling her whenever I had a free second in the day. I have since then come down off of that bad habit, but I'm afraid that we are now nearing the opposite extreme of things.

 

She is also having a hard time coping with the distance for other reasons. We are both very touchy felly people, and she is desperately missing having someone to hold her during the night. I know that the lack of my pressence may be playing a role in her carnkyness, and I am being as understanding as possible. I used to be able to visit about twice a month because she lives near my parents home, but recently my mother and I aren't seeing exactly eye to eye, so that's that. But I will be moving up there to transfer schools at the end of this summer (would have done it earlier, but my lease won't be up till the end of July, so 3 more months...).

 

My question is, am I being selfish in wanting to hear from her more often? I mean, I'm not expecting a full blown conversation, but a "Good night, baby", or and "I love you :love:" would be nice before she went to bed...

 

Just wondering...

[Admiral]

Of course, this feeling is reciprocated, but what I am recently concerned with is our lack of communication. In the beginning, everything was all "mushy" with the talking every single night until 4, 5, even 6:30 the next morning, and the constant "I love you" s. We've been through our fair share of bumps in the road (I know, in only 5 months? lol), but we've made it through with flying colors every sigle time.

 

She is growing bored, because you are giving her too much attention.

 

We are approximately 4 hours apart, and neither of us has a reliable car, so its impossible to visit as frequently or as often as we would like, not to mention we are both full time students. Also, she is the mother of 2 beautiful twin girls, who are her world. She has a very busy daily schedule, and I feel very fortunate to be a part of her life. Guys, she is really special to me.

She should feel fortunate to be a part of your life. What you've got now is a very chump-like mindset which will only lead down an unhappy path.

 

But recently we talk less and less. At first it was just that we weren't talking on the phone late into the night as often, then not at all. We then started to text throughout the night. Now I'm lucky to hear from her twice a day and we usually have very short conversations.

Twice a day? That's too much. If she has access to you whenever she wants, if you talk every day, she will start growing bored.

 

Once she even went 2 whole days (an entire 48 hours) without so much as a "hello", and that REALLY disturbed me. She says that she is "busy", but I'm just wondering, how much more busy can you be getting? You have the same exact schedule that you had when we first begin dating.

She's getting bored.

 

To be fair, this is my first relationship, and her first long distance relationship, so none of us are pros. Not to mention that I am absolutely smitten by this woman because she is my first love.

Terrible choice here. LDRs are bad, but I'm not here to debate that. Even the people on Loveshack who support LDRs should know that it is ridiculous to have your first relationship as an LDR.

 

I guess I'm still not over the initial thrill of being in a meaningful relationship, and for a while, I was a bit of a "bug-a-boo", texting and calling her whenever I had a free second in the day. I have since then come down off of that bad habit, but I'm afraid that we are now nearing the opposite extreme of things.

You were no challenge for you, she knows she can have you whenever she wants. She is bored.

 

She is also having a hard time coping with the distance for other reasons. We are both very touchy felly people, and she is desperately missing having someone to hold her during the night

She is going to start getting touchy feely with some other guy, soon. It's human nature to want to touch and have sex.

 

I know that the lack of my pressence may be playing a role in her carnkyness, and I am being as understanding as possible.

Why aren't YOU cranky?

 

You are basically tolerating her being cranky, when you have even more of a right to be cranky.

 

You are WAY too interested in her, and it's driving her away.

[era]

she is desperately missing having someone to hold her during the night.

 

Did she say this to you?...this a huge red flag.

 

Translation = I am interested in being with a guy who is accessible, I am looking at other guys.

[ivanjai88]

basically after a while, if she gets bored about it, you gona discuss the issue with her..and btw how old are you guys to be studying and she already got 2 twins...that's gona cause u big trouble in the long term,,, coz u wont treat urs n hers the same...

also i reckon you should discuss the future with her before going any further..

example me and my wife,, we discussed where we wanted to head while we dating...

[LonelyTiger]

Re: Admiral's comments - see my post on the thread 'Does your LD bf hang out with other girls as friends' - he clearly has a problem with women getting bored of him!

 

No you are not being selfish.

 

We all have different needs in a relationship and wanting to hear from your girlfriend every day is completely reasonable. In LDRs communication is the key. Talk to her about your needs, be completely open and honest and ask her what she needs too. If you want contact every day, tell her that. If she genuinely cares she will do what she can to make things easier for you just as you would for her.

 

There could be many reasons for the diminished frequency of your conversations. On the down side, it may well be a sign that she is finding this relationship too difficult - not everybody is cut out for LDRs! It doesn't mean she is 'bored' with you - she's just not coping with the current situation.

 

It may also be that she is genuinely very busy, having two young children is a tough job, and now that your relationship has become more established she doesn't feel the need to spend hours talking to you. Not everybody needs constant communication.

 

My husband would be OK if we only talked twice a week, I need to speak to him every day - he understands that and we talk every day. He doesn't 'need' to for his own sake but he knows that I 'need' it. He loves talking to me so it's an easy compromise.

 

Re the touchy feely stuff - I'm a touchy feely person too. We've been LDR for 9 months and I 'desperately miss having someone to hold me during the night' BUT I love my husband and I am NOT looking at other guys because it's him I want. I am not 'interested in being with a guy who is accessible'. Nobody else can take his place.

 

The best thing to do is ask your girlfriend what she's currently thinking and how she feels about you and the relationship. If she is having second thoughts then you need to know, especially if you are planning to move to be near her soon.

[Admiral]

Re: Admiral's comments - see my post on the thread 'Does your LD bf hang out with other girls as friends' - he clearly has a problem with women getting bored of him!

 

It's a proven fact women get bored of men who give them constant attention.

[Rollercoasterr]

If it's a proven fact, then show me your sources. Because otherwise you're just blowing smoke. Maybe women get tired of YOU. I could see how that would be possible with all of your "awesome" advice about making women chase men, not giving them attention and all that other B.S. you say in these forums. I really don't even understand the point of your posts because you KNOW that no one is going to listen to you.

 

When was the last time you had a relationship? I bet your stellar advice isn't working out so well for you. Or maybe it is. But only with working girls(prostitutes), and drunk girls in bars. What class.

[rbuterl406]

I don't quite no how to quote, so please excuse me. lol

 

era - "Did she say this to you?...this a huge red flag.

 

Translation = I am interested in being with a guy who is accessible, I am looking at other guys."

 

Yes, she did express this, out of honesty. We've talked about this some while ago, and although we've had our hurdle dealing with this issue on her acting on it, it was purely situational. She genuinely does not want anyone else, and like me, she is a home-body, in that she does not go out with friends, or even to the movies. A contributing factor to this is that not only does she feel extremely uncomfortable going out without me, but she also has her two girls to worry about.

 

ivanjai88 - "

basically after a while, if she gets bored about it, you gona discuss the issue with her..and btw how old are you guys to be studying and she already got 2 twins...that's gona cause u big trouble in the long term,,, coz u wont treat urs n hers the same...

also i reckon you should discuss the future with her before going any further..

example me and my wife,, we discussed where we wanted to head while we dating... "

 

We are both 21, and no, it is not an issue that concerns her girls or how I will treat them during the long run. We talk about this all the time, I love children, and I love her girls. I miss them, also. Neither of us get into relationships with intentions to break up in the near future, we have mapped out a plan for our future and for us to grow together numerous times.

 

LonelyTiger - "No you are not being selfish.

 

We all have different needs in a relationship and wanting to hear from your girlfriend every day is completely reasonable. In LDRs communication is the key. Talk to her about your needs, be completely open and honest and ask her what she needs too. If you want contact every day, tell her that. If she genuinely cares she will do what she can to make things easier for you just as you would for her.

 

There could be many reasons for the diminished frequency of your conversations. On the down side, it may well be a sign that she is finding this relationship too difficult - not everybody is cut out for LDRs! It doesn't mean she is 'bored' with you - she's just not coping with the current situation.

 

It may also be that she is genuinely very busy, having two young children is a tough job, and now that your relationship has become more established she doesn't feel the need to spend hours talking to you. Not everybody needs constant communication.

 

My husband would be OK if we only talked twice a week, I need to speak to him every day - he understands that and we talk every day. He doesn't 'need' to for his own sake but he knows that I 'need' it. He loves talking to me so it's an easy compromise.

 

Re the touchy feely stuff - I'm a touchy feely person too. We've been LDR for 9 months and I 'desperately miss having someone to hold me during the night' BUT I love my husband and I am NOT looking at other guys because it's him I want. I am not 'interested in being with a guy who is accessible'. Nobody else can take his place.

 

The best thing to do is ask your girlfriend what she's currently thinking and how she feels about you and the relationship. If she is having second thoughts then you need to know, especially if you are planning to move to be near her soon. "

 

You are absolutely right. W have talked about this on numerous occassions, though. She usually finds a way to make an issue that is a concern of mines into an issue that is just my problem. I do not want you to think that she is just like this, I know it is the distance playing a large role in her behaviour.

 

What is good about it is that she usually admits her faults upfront from time to time and apologizes. Where the problem arises is that she continues to have me be the agressor in the relationship while we only talk when its convenient and on topics that wont rouse her attitude so to speak.

 

I know that she is busy, especialy because of her twin girls, and I know that they are her first priority. But we would always talk during the night when we both had time. Now she goes to bed without even a "good night". And when I say that I hear from her once (maybe twice) a day, these are text messages, and they are on her time, when she messages me. We do not talk on the phone anymore. Maybe once or twice a week. And the texts only last 5 to ten minutes. I know that this may be exceptable for your relationship, but this is very unusual for us.

[FabulousLadee]

I am in the same situation and it's only been a 45-50 days. His communication is already changing. I would love to have a guy who would WANT to give me thier undivided attention. She is a lucky lady!

[rbuterl406]

It has recently been brought to my attention that this is nothing but a power struggle. I never wanted it to be like this, but it seems to be the truth. The ball is constantly in her court, so she has no problem with the lack of communication because she controls the dinamics of the relationship.

 

At the given advice of a friend, I finally decided to play along today. I severely limited our conversation this morning (She text because I sent her flowers for Mother's Day), but I kept it polite. Unfortunately, she can already read me like a book, and figured that I was mad. I played her with one of her own cards and said that I was tired. She said that she would contact me later in the day.

 

Around 7:30 this afternoon, she text me again, wondering if I had found time in my schedule to talk to her. I was asleep, but after I saw the first text, I decided not to respond and just have her feel bad about it for a while. She began to say how she knows that she messed up and how its her fault, please just talk to her. She then began to panic, and her texts became more eccentric, with concerns about me being with another girl. The calls soon followed (6 missed from her back to back). Eventually, I text her back, the entire time being very coy, responding that I do not need to talk to her "every second of the day" if I'm busy, another one of her usual responses to my concerns. (It was only 10 hours between the last time we talked, I am constantly waiting stretches of 12, 20, and even more then 24 hours to hear from her just once).

 

This just showed me how she felt now that the roles were reversed - and she did not like it one bit.

 

She wants to talk tonight, but I'm not sure, maybe I should try to carry on a bit to make her feel the full extent of what she's been putting me through. If I continue, I will not speak to her after 12 am, seeing that she no longer has time to speak to me at night, either. She's hurting bad, because she left over 10 texts, 6 missed calls, and a lengthy facebook message in the course of 20 minutes without one response from me.

 

Now, I know that this is petty... But it feels so good to have her feel how I was feeling for a change. Should I let this carry on for a while longer?

[Admiral]

If it's a proven fact, then show me your sources. Because otherwise you're just blowing smoke. Maybe women get tired of YOU. I could see how that would be possible with all of your "awesome" advice about making women chase men, not giving them attention and all that other B.S. you say in these forums. I really don't even understand the point of your posts because you KNOW that no one is going to listen to you.

 

EVERY man who is successful with women knows that what I say is true.

 

When was the last time you had a relationship? I bet your stellar advice isn't working out so well for you. Or maybe it is. But only with working girls(prostitutes), and drunk girls in bars. What class.

The people here on Loveshack really can't seem to accept a point of view that differs from what they've been brought up to believe.

 

I'm giving my advice, if the OP wants to take it, he can.

[Admiral]

Around 7:30 this afternoon, she text me again, wondering if I had found time in my schedule to talk to her. I was asleep, but after I saw the first text, I decided not to respond and just have her feel bad about it for a while.

 

Good, you're learning.

 

She began to say how she knows that she messed up and how its her fault, please just talk to her. She then began to panic, and her texts became more eccentric, with concerns about me being with another girl. The calls soon followed (6 missed from her back to back)

 

See what happens when you stop chasing the woman? They chase you (if they have any attraction for you.)

 

Eventually, I text her back, the entire time being very coy, responding that I do not need to talk to her "every second of the day"

 

Good.

 

This just showed me how she felt now that the roles were reversed - and she did not like it one bit.

 

Exactly. ALWAYS remember this, it ALWAYS works, if they are attracted to you. She'll be fighting for your attention, you'll be back in control.

 

She wants to talk tonight, but I'm not sure, maybe I should try to carry on a bit to make her feel the full extent of what she's been putting me through. I

 

My advice is to give her some more silent treatment for tonight, let her keep texting and calling, then invite her over tomorrow night, and have sex. You need to set the foundation of the relationship from the very start - you aren't going to take any crap from her.

[LonelyTiger]

rbuterl406 you are playing games!

 

I don't know who's advice you are taking (hopefully not Admiral's) but if you want this relationship to grow, game playing is not the answer.

 

Mature adults in a loving relationship DO NOT play games - EVER!

 

If your primary goal is to make this girl feel bad, then congratulations, you're obviously doing well. Since you keep declaring your undying love for her why, oh why (!!!????), would you want to make her feel this way?

 

You may think you are teaching her a lesson (a pretty unkind thing to do to someone you love), and now she is finally showing you she really loves you. On the contrary, what I think this tells you is that she's actually dependent on you - not a healthy situation.

 

To me, this relationship has now taken a very unpleasant turn and the only way forward would be to sit down together and TALK!

 

If you've already explained what your needs are and she doesn't respect that then how much does she really care for you? And if you 'feel so good' letting her suffer in this way, how much do you really care for her?

 

This now sounds more like infatuation and dependency than love.

[LonelyTiger]

EVERY man who is successful with women knows that what I say is true.

 

The people here on Loveshack really can't seem to accept a point of view that differs from what they've been brought up to believe.

 

I'm giving my advice, if the OP wants to take it, he can.

 

What concerns me is that your 'advice' is always destructive and IMO likely to cause more harm than good.

 

Some posters on LS are very young and/or vulnerable - they need encouragement, support, honest but 'considered' opinions and options - your ideas about relationships are negative and unhelpful.

 

I was not 'brought up to believe' anything about relationships. Everything I believe I have learned from experience - and I have NEVER come accross an emotionally healthy woman who likes to 'chase' men - NEVER!

 

I would be very interested to learn about some of your experiences of relationships because you always talk in the third person, and there is no evidence that you have ever had a 'successful' relationship!

[Admiral]

Some posters on LS are very young and/or vulnerable - they need encouragement, support, honest but 'considered' opinions and options - your ideas about relationships are negative and unhelpful.

 

For young people with no experience of relationships, my advice is even better than usual. They shouldn't be getting tied down when they don't know how to have a successful relationship.

 

and I have NEVER come accross an emotionally healthy woman who likes to 'chase' men - NEVER!

 

When a woman is attracted to a man, she'll try to get him. If they are in a relationship, and he breaks up with her, she will try to get him back, etc.

[rbuterl406]

LonelyTiger, you are absolutely right. I hate playing games, and I hate that I resorted to such a low standard. Unfortunately... It worked.

 

She called last night and she cried and told me exactly how she felt and why she wasn't communicating effectively. She has been purposely working herself into a hole in order to make the time go by faster for when I will be up there to join her more permanently. While this sounds like a somewhat modest gesture, she also admitted to being really rude and not very caring. Doing all of this extra uneccessary work (such as detailing every room in the entire house) only made her more depressed and was wiping her completely out. Not good.

 

I also felt bad, though, because she realized this as soon as she got the flowers delivered to her house for Mother's Day that morning, and immediately called to tell me this, but by that time I was the one being selfish, and decided to play hard ball. The entire day's sherade only emphasized to her how much she loves me.

 

Long story short, I guess I dodged one, and we are as happy as ever. :-) Thanks for all the advice, guys.