fabulous_chk Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Well he actually broke it yesterday. Again. My ex genuinely loves me a lot - not romantically anymore, but he seeks me out at school, and finds ways to contact me even though I did everything to convince him that I need space and NC. He loves me a lot as a friend. He is afraid of losing me. I told him to give me time and space since I'm still in love with him. He said ok but could not follow through. He is not trying to get back to me. He misses me a lot though. I guess with me he found a "home" - a sense of comfort and stability. Everything else in his life is messed up. Last night when he finally got to contact me and I stupidly answered the call - he was so happy, so relieved to talk to me. Well I wasn't, seeing this contact as a sign of a weakness on my part. He told me his dad is not doing well, and he is very worried (I think his dad is dying). I kept making mono-syllabic answers and I told him I'm tired and I need to go back to sleep - he didn't want to let me go. This is unusual for him because when we were together we only spoke less than a minute on the phone. I knew he wanted comfort from me, wanted me to say the things I always say to make him feel secure and all right. I got suddenly furious and told him to not contact me forever, that I don't want his friendship, that I never want to talk to him again. He was shocked...and when he spoke he was very emotional. I laughed at him. Laughed. And said goodbye. After talking to him I threw up several times. I felt so mean and evil and disgusted with myself. I woke my mom up and she massaged my back until I felt better. I seriously love this guy...not sure if I'm still in love with him since I haven't seen him for a month, and I have developed feelings for another guy. I still resent him cheating on me and throwing away our 4 year relationship and the way he dealt with me during the break-up. I suffered, I was humiliated, made to feel it was my fault. I almost failed my classes, got drunk for 3 weeks in a row until I finally decided to turn my life around. And now that my misery is almost over and I've managed to let go of the past...he tries really hard to get close to me, to be his best friend and it's too early for this.... But I guess he really needs a friend right now, with his dad close to dying - and I'm the only true friend he has/had...All his other friends were just smoke buddies or party friends... Should I be there for him?
Flying Burrito Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Its hard to go end all contact when you love the other person and know the other person has a real need for human kindness. Try to remember that before you can be there to support someone else, you have to take care of your own safety and stability first.
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 That's the thing - I am not ready to be his friend yet.
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 I had my phone off for 4 days because I was depressed and I didn't wanna deal with the world. I turned it on today and listened to a voice mail of a number I didn't recognize. It was the ex. This is what he said: Hey fab_chick umm it's me Steve calling from another phone because obviously I can't contact you from my cellphone because you got my number blocked. Anyways I just wanna talk to you it's been a long time and umm....I dunno...I just need a friend, I don't have many anymore. Alright fab_chick, bye. This was 2 days ago. I deleted his message and the number he called me with. I admit there's a rush of power but he wants a friend and I can never be his friend. We've been lovers for four years until he cheated and that's the end for me. This is 18 days of NC. I haven't seen him in close to 2 months. I'm actually glad he's lonely because I've been suffering too. He is toxic and I do not need a cheating, lying bastard like him in my life.
bluewolf17 Posted May 26, 2009 Posted May 26, 2009 FabChick, Wow! Good job in not breaking NC! If I had gotten a message like that, it would have been really hard to sit on it. It's obvious from his message, that he does just need a "friend". And you are in no place to be a friend. Talking to him will only make you sad, once it comes out that he still doesn't want to be together (and why would you anyways, he is toxic)! No remorse for cheaters! You deserve so so much better than that. Proud of you!
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 26, 2009 Author Posted May 26, 2009 Thank you! I feel accomplished lol! My guess is things are not working out between him and the new gf and like CG says dumpers are only seeking for self-validation when they contact their dumpees. I hope she cheated on him so he knows how it feels. Before I was just sad and passive...now I'm angry.
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 I dreamt about him today. A good dream. Usually in my dreams he rejects me over and over, I'd wake up sweating and feeling horrible...but this time the dream was good. In my dream I found that somebody sent me a ringtone. It was the same number he used to contact me on Sunday. I accepted the ringtone and it was D'Sound's "Tattooed on my Mind." This song played: "And I can't get you out of my dreams Now I know that you're the dangerous kind And your smile is tattooed on my mind And I can't get you out of my dreams" I woke up with the nicest feeling, no heartache, no fear, no feeling of rejection. I feel ok today. Day 19 of NC. 9 Weeks and 4 days since the break-up.
Soul Bear Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Thats a rather sticky situation you get yourself there..... Thats a rather profound dream too....... What do you want to do?
LadyV Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Fab_Chick, If I were you, I would STICK TO NC!!!! I can relate to you feeling sick. I got the graduation card from XBF and every time I start a TY card, or even an email, I can feel the anxiety coming on. Amazing how our bodies do that, as it if is a warning to NOT GO THERE!!!! I am not sending him a thank you...It was his choice to leave the card for me. His number and emails are still blocked. I just can't open that door again...I did write to him saying.."Thanks for the card, I am very well thank you. I heard you are seeing someone, and wish you the best, and hope it is all you wished for and was looking for" I AM NOT SENDING IT!!!! I think that is me just trying to be mean....and dig for info. Today is 23 days NC. I can't believe it! 23 days. I haven't even been tempted to call him, the only temptation I have had was to say thanks for the card. He said it himself..."You definatly gave me your best, and I hope it comes back to you 10X" I know for sure it, just NOT from him!!!! Hang in there...You have done so good....I know it is hard to want to be there for him, but you know you can't....You have to take care of you... Hugs to ya FAB_Chick!!!!!!
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Thats a rather sticky situation you get yourself there..... Thats a rather profound dream too....... What do you want to do? Maintain NC. I need to be selfish for a change. I've taken good care of him - It's time for him to learn how to wipe his own a$.S. I suspect that he does indeed miss me but that's only because I was always there for him. He is just gonna end up using me whenever he's down. When he's fine it's as if I never existed. I do not want friendship or reconciliation. The sooner I'm out of this mess the better I will feel.
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Fab_Chick, If I were you, I would STICK TO NC!!!! I can relate to you feeling sick. I got the graduation card from XBF and every time I start a TY card, or even an email, I can feel the anxiety coming on. Amazing how our bodies do that, as it if is a warning to NOT GO THERE!!!! I am not sending him a thank you...It was his choice to leave the card for me. His number and emails are still blocked. I just can't open that door again...I did write to him saying.."Thanks for the card, I am very well thank you. I heard you are seeing someone, and wish you the best, and hope it is all you wished for and was looking for" I AM NOT SENDING IT!!!! I think that is me just trying to be mean....and dig for info. Today is 23 days NC. I can't believe it! 23 days. I haven't even been tempted to call him, the only temptation I have had was to say thanks for the card. He said it himself..."You definatly gave me your best, and I hope it comes back to you 10X" I know for sure it, just NOT from him!!!! Hang in there...You have done so good....I know it is hard to want to be there for him, but you know you can't....You have to take care of you... Hugs to ya FAB_Chick!!!!!! I'm proud of you! You managed and graduated from school inspite of your heartaches. 23 days! woo-hoo that must feel good. I'm on Day 19 and I feel stronger today. Today I didn't feel the heartache upon waking up. I'm maintaining NC for my own sanity. Whenever I talk to him I start throwing up. Seriously! My body knows he's UNGOOD lol! If he doesn't have any friends, it's his own fault. My circle of friends grew bigger I'm actually amazed at how being social I am. It's amazing. I love being single! *HUGS YOU BACK* (you are my hero girl!)
LadyV Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 Maintain NC. I need to be selfish for a change. I've taken good care of him - It's time for him to learn how to wipe his own a$.S. I suspect that he does indeed miss me but that's only because I was always there for him. He is just gonna end up using me whenever he's down. When he's fine it's as if I never existed. I do not want friendship or reconciliation. The sooner I'm out of this mess the better I will feel. Way to go! Good answer!! Maintain NC, as hard as it may seem, yes, you are right. I know my XBF misses me, I mean the fact that he brought a card TO my house, he could have mailed it?? But he physically broght it and left it at my door. It didn't really bother me, up until now...like..Haha, you can't stay away can you? Well, I'm not replying . I've tried to type several emails just to say Thanks for the card, but yeah...won't go there.... I like what you say, You dont want a frienship or reconciliation....I feel the same way. If a friend of mine was doing this to me? It would have been done a long time ago!!!
LadyV Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 I'm proud of you! You managed and graduated from school inspite of your heartaches. 23 days! woo-hoo that must feel good. I'm on Day 19 and I feel stronger today. Today I didn't feel the heartache upon waking up. I'm maintaining NC for my own sanity. Whenever I talk to him I start throwing up. Seriously! My body knows he's UNGOOD lol! If he doesn't have any friends, it's his own fault. My circle of friends grew bigger I'm actually amazed at how being social I am. It's amazing. I love being single! *HUGS YOU BACK* (you are my hero girl!) Fab, you are awesome! Good for you....Keep it up girl! Yes, it is a great feeling to have accomplished my college degree, through my divorce, and then this crazy relationship.... My girlfriends are so happy to have me back....they have all said that it is great to see me smile again, and see me bounce back from what XBF did to me. They were happy that I had him in the beginning because they all said I deserved it, but in the end, YEAH, he doesn't deserve me! And yours doesn't deserve you! Good for you for going out. I've had my kids for the last 2 1/2 weeks, and when I have them, I don't go out...I devote my time to them. But they will be going back to my XH's for 2 weeks come Sunday. Not sure what I will do yet, probably spend all that time with one of my best friends whom I miss hanging out with so much.... Keep it up girl! We will both be so much stronger when we get through this....And we will be one man's treasure
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Way to go! Good answer!! Maintain NC, as hard as it may seem, yes, you are right. I know my XBF misses me, I mean the fact that he brought a card TO my house, he could have mailed it?? But he physically broght it and left it at my door. It didn't really bother me, up until now...like..Haha, you can't stay away can you? Well, I'm not replying . I've tried to type several emails just to say Thanks for the card, but yeah...won't go there.... I like what you say, You dont want a frienship or reconciliation....I feel the same way. If a friend of mine was doing this to me? It would have been done a long time ago!!! Yeah like a ninja he sneaked in and dropped a letter to your house. NEVER TRUST A NINJA lol! Do not thank him, he had nothing to do with your accomplishments! It's just a letter - not any different from the other ones you got except he was a coward and gave his to you ninja-style. I cannot accept any form of friendship from now because it would be draining. In the *distant* future when I'm with someone else I will initiate contact and see if the family is doing ok. Not now though.
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Fab, you are awesome! Good for you....Keep it up girl! Yes, it is a great feeling to have accomplished my college degree, through my divorce, and then this crazy relationship.... My girlfriends are so happy to have me back....they have all said that it is great to see me smile again, and see me bounce back from what XBF did to me. They were happy that I had him in the beginning because they all said I deserved it, but in the end, YEAH, he doesn't deserve me! And yours doesn't deserve you! Good for you for going out. I've had my kids for the last 2 1/2 weeks, and when I have them, I don't go out...I devote my time to them. But they will be going back to my XH's for 2 weeks come Sunday. Not sure what I will do yet, probably spend all that time with one of my best friends whom I miss hanging out with so much.... Keep it up girl! We will both be so much stronger when we get through this....And we will be one man's treasure Yup have fun and just be happy! I am already several men's treasure lol. I do not encourage them. The more I reject the more they pursue. I don't understand men lol. But yeah the goal for 2009 is FUN, FUN, FUN. Not gonna pursue relationships for a while. Being single allows us to do things we would never have done while in a relationship. It's the time of our life.
LadyV Posted May 27, 2009 Posted May 27, 2009 But yeah the goal for 2009 is FUN, FUN, FUN. Not gonna pursue relationships for a while. Being single allows us to do things we would never have done while in a relationship. It's the time of our life. ME TOO!!! I was married for 13 years, single for only a little over a year, then had to deal with the BS of XBF, and now am single now...I'M GOING TO EMBRACE IT!!!!!!!!!!!! XBF's roomate and I are pretty good friends...He and XBF don't talk anymore, just because XBF is very moody and isolates himself in his room. Believe it or not, I DO NOT ASK what XBF is doing, or if he's home. All I say is, "Is it a good time to chat?" and he will say yes or no...but regardless, he will still talk to me. We can maintain a friendship now, before, XBF didn't want me talking to him...he didnt' want me talking to any men, besides my XH...So, now I am forming friendships with people and he has NO SAY!!!! LOL. Roomate has told me time and time again, that XBF treated me like crap, and he didn't like to see it...I of course didn't see it until after the fact. Either way, Roomate has told me that XBF doesn't deserve me and it is his loss!!! So very true...NO , there isn't anything romantically going on between us...We are just good friends, and our conversations focus mainly on our relationship with God..and how we both yearn to be closer to Him...It's nice to have someone to talk to about it, and not want to go to the bars and such, and just chat....I also have my girls too whom I love so much and am glad that I can spend all my free time with them...and my kids of course...the focus is them..all them...
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 27, 2009 Author Posted May 27, 2009 Le sigh...... At home we don't pick up calls from our land line because it's usually telemarketers. I don't check messages or calls every day. Today it's been ringing non-stop and it's the usual 800 numbers except for my ex's number, which I didn't block from my home phone because I thought he'd never dare call the family phone (my family hates his guts, told him to stay away from me). Well yes he did. He called me Saturday at 7:15pm (very odd time to call, he would have been at work). Then on Sunday (i don't know what time) which is understandable because if his gf dumped him Sunday would be his loneliest day lol. Two attempts to call me. On the family phone which he would have to be in a desperate mood to actually call. Then a ninja phone (lol!). I'm wondering at his motives. But I'm doing so well with my NC and I am not strong enough to handle his boo-hoo stories. I hope his dad is ok though. The only contact I will make is to his mom - whatever their son did to me - the family took me like I was their true daughter. But I'm not ready for that either. Whatever I wasted enough time on the bastard.
LadyV Posted May 28, 2009 Posted May 28, 2009 Le sigh...... At home we don't pick up calls from our land line because it's usually telemarketers. I don't check messages or calls every day. Today it's been ringing non-stop and it's the usual 800 numbers except for my ex's number, which I didn't block from my home phone because I thought he'd never dare call the family phone (my family hates his guts, told him to stay away from me). Well yes he did. He called me Saturday at 7:15pm (very odd time to call, he would have been at work). Then on Sunday (i don't know what time) which is understandable because if his gf dumped him Sunday would be his loneliest day lol. Two attempts to call me. On the family phone which he would have to be in a desperate mood to actually call. Then a ninja phone (lol!). I'm wondering at his motives. But I'm doing so well with my NC and I am not strong enough to handle his boo-hoo stories. I hope his dad is ok though. The only contact I will make is to his mom - whatever their son did to me - the family took me like I was their true daughter. But I'm not ready for that either. Whatever I wasted enough time on the bastard. We shall nickname our XBF's NINJA MANIACS!!! Because that is what they are like. I don't have a house phone, glad I don't...Just my cell which has his number blocked. I am going to keep it that way. I was talking to his roomate today, I said to him that I was SO MAD that he came by here, incognito to drop off the card. WTF?? Sorry, Just frustrated with the whole sitauation because like you, I'm curious now and wondering how he is. I shouldn't give a rats ass!!! He has his new girl now, let her deal with his moodswings and so forth.... I've gotten to be pretty good friends with his sister. We have never met in person, but we chat it up on FB, as well as on through text messages. She is coming home to visit next month and has already told me she wants to meet me, regardless of what is going on with her brother and I. I hope to meet her because I think she is a sweetheart, and really nice. We don't talk about XBF at all...that is a good thing. She said she doesn't want to get in the middle and I don't blame her. She thinks I am so good for her brother, but knows he's been through so much. And thinks he is being stupid....OH well, his loss... Keep it up Fab, You are doing awesome....I know it is so hard, but I will be here to encourage you. I know that when I think about talking to my XBF, or even running into him, I start to have anxiety attacks...NOT GOOD!!! Keep posting here...that has been the best support for me, besides my family and friends too!!! Hugs to ya sweetie!
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 And I don't regret it. It is the most beautiful, tragic and painful moment of my life. I will post some details later.
Author fabulous_chk Posted May 29, 2009 Author Posted May 29, 2009 Le sigh...... Two attempts to call me. On the family phone which he would have to be in a desperate mood to actually call. Then a ninja phone (lol!). I'm wondering at his motives. But I'm doing so well with my NC and I am not strong enough to handle his boo-hoo stories. I hope his dad is ok though. The only contact I will make is to his mom - whatever their son did to me - the family took me like I was their true daughter. But I'm not ready for that either. Whatever I wasted enough time on the bastard. The moment it got posted I had an intuition that he'd call WITHIN THAT MINUTE. He did. The instant the phone rang, even without looking at it, I knew it was him. And yes, i took two deep breaths and answered the phone. I said, "What's up Steve? How's your dad?" He sounded surprised. We ended up talking for 85 minutes. I was the strong one and he was the one who kept crying, saying he was stupid, totally effed up everything, he thought he was a possessed person, that he did me dirty all that stuff. He said sorry over and over and over. He knew I didn't want a reconciliation. He said he missed me so much for the last 2 months...and he knows now the most important thing in life. There were so many things we talked about - opened up everything about the break-up, the hurt, the disaster. He asked me to unblock him. That he wants to hear from me now and then. I said, "I'll tell you now - I'll be ok." After a few more discussion on our relationship he said, "Do you want to come over and smoke?" Big temptation. I told him I'll call back. I called my friends, they were busy, spent an hour procrastinating. He called and said, "what's going on? Are you coming?" And I said yes. It was weird seeing him again. During the last 2 months I lost 9 lbs, and regained some. HE LOST 35 lbs!!! He was so skinny. He let the dog greet me, then I turned to him and he hugged me tight. We went up and smoked and played the guitar that I gave him back (he pleaded me to take it since he couldn't stand seeing the guitar on the living room). We drank red wine, then there's an infomercial on 70's love song that made me reaaaally uncomfortable (Reunited, Love Will Keep Us Together, etc, etc) and I asked him to turn it off. We moved to his bedroom and all I remember was being high and him hugging me and me crying and crying and crying...he said it's ok, it's ok, it's ok. At one point I saw him staring at the ceiling looking teary-eyed and I said, "Don't be sad." He replied, "I'm just so happy that you are here." We cuddled and just relaxed like what we used to do, hang out, arms wrapped around each other and listening to his set. It was utter contentment, the most peaceful feeling I ever had. He and I - we just complement each other so well. Yin and yang. He kept saying he loves me. I kept saying I love him too. Then his mom entered the room saying that his dad died. I started crying - he was shocked. He could not comprehend it. I was the one who cried harder. I stayed with him for 2 days - we clung to each other. Then he had to fly to Europe for the burial. He made me promise to see him when he comes back, to stay and see him at least 3X a week. WE ARE SO RIDICULOUS - WE LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH. HE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME; I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HIM. WHY ARE WE APART? I need to be strong for him and myself. No matter what happens this is the love of my life.
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