leftwondering Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Have been reading this forum for some time to give me some insight. Today I decided I needed more input. So will start at the beginning. My husband and I have been married for 25 years. For many years he has alway kept himself quite separate. I have spent much of that time trying to come up with ideas or ways that could make us closer eg., spending time together etc. I am a counsellor myself, so think I had many good ideas. Most of the time he would agree but not follow through. There was a pattern, things would get so bad we would hardly be speaking for weeks on end, until it became unbearable and then agree to try again. Things would be good for a couple of weeks and then out of the blue, he would start keeping to himself again. Over time, I had trouble understanding why it was happening and became depressed. He could never give me a straight answer. It was on and it was off - very confusing. He acted like a man who did not want to be in a relationship. There now have been a number of occasions where I have had to think this was not healthy for me and it would be better to leave. However each time, we have agreed to start again, only for the same thing to happen over. It all felt very superficial, only talking about the house, children, dogs etc., He dislike felling like he had to discuss issues in the relationship and felt it was fine as it was, that I was causing an issue by saying there was a problem. Anyway, back in November 09, I told my husband I had had enough. I was getting worse again with the depression and was not coping. I said we would have to separate. He was going on a business trip to Indonesia and I told him not to communicate with me while he was away. In the state I was I would have found it too distressing to be superficial with him on the phone. I wanted to have some space in order to get better - which I did achieve during his absence. When he got back, it was still on barely speaking terms. He was guarding his phone, but finally admitted he had met an Indonesian woman whom he was interested in. He said they did not have sex because they could not find any private place. Anyway to cut a long story short, it took 6 weeks for him to decide he still wanted to be in our marriage. It was pure hell for me and my depression was bad at times. There were a lot of lies during that time and my trust was all but depleted. Still the story did not add up. I asked for bank account details which he did not want to give. The story was that he did spend nights in hotels with her and that during those 6 weeks there were requests from her to send her money. Which he did. I found this out late March. By the way. She is still sending him texts after him having no conact since mid-January. Last weekend I checked his emails with his permission and discovered he has been having a lot of communication with a 26 year old Chinese girl who he does business with. They talk around a lot of topics. He says they have developed a friendship/ mentoring role over the 2 years they have had business. However there was one email where it seems he is discussing his feelings about their relationship and trying to find out hers. This was brought about from his trip to China in March when he felt like she was acting differently toward him and he wanted to know why. She is leaving the business soon and it seems he would like to continue the relationship with her. He says it was all quite innocent. He said last week that he realises he has been having an emotional relationship with her instead of with me. We agreed that there should only be business discussions and once she leaves have no more contact. He said that would not be a problem. you can imagine what it was like to try to be getting through the Indonesia thing and then find he had not been honest about this. I have been calm and trying to work out what is happening. I have said that if he is not happy, then he needs to get out of this marriage and not mess up my life. I have suggested he see our mcounsellor about the meaning of the email. He has agreed. However this morning I asked if he had had any contact with the Chinese girl and he said he has. That she asked him some questions and he has answered them (they were not about business). He says he does not remember our agreement. Right now I feel kind of numb. I don't know if there is any hope. Trust seems to be totally gone. Even if he does find out that he wants us to be together, I don't know if I can put myself in there and feel safe. He keeps saying he loves me and wants our marriage to work, but he has been saying that for years and not acting like it. Does he want out and does not have the guts to say it? I feel so tired of all of this.
tami-chan Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 25 years...that's a long time of misery. What is it about your husband that you love? Your husband is not happy in your marriage and neither are you. He is not even trying to win you back. He is shopping for an affair partner. So unless you can find some acceptance or some compromise(within yourself) about the situation and not be miserable, why stay? The chinese girl does not seem to be interested in your husband the same he is interested in her. If you read the email about him "discussing his feelings and wondering about hers" after she acted differently towards him. It looks like she might have been uncomfortable about the way your husband had acted-perhaps him crossing the mentor-student barrier. I think your husband is having an emotional affair with her...but she is not with him.. Do you believe that your husband did not have sex with the Indonesian girl? Did your husband not stay in a hotel over there? How is it that there was no "privacy"? was he sharing his room with another person? Although, I have to say, it is entirely possible that the Indonesian woman brought her friends or relatives with her everytime she met him---not unheard of in Asia- and thus, he and she did not have the needed privacy. But still, what does it matter, he has cheated, if not physically, emotionally. As a counselor, what advice would you give to someone in this kind of predicament?
Author leftwondering Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 Thanks for your response. It has not been misery for the whole of the marriage. But the pattern has been there for about 10 years. Yes, it was a sexual relationship with the Indonesian woman. That's what the hotel rooms were about and that's why he kept it secret. We had made some progress and were communicating much better, and he was being supportive in my getting past that. We have been going to counselling and that has helped. I thought we were working through our errors of the past. I have been staying just so I can work out what is right for me, and to make sure I make the right decision. I have also stayed in the marriage because I have believed that sooner or later he would understand how his behaviour effects us. H wrote that email while I was having a week away to clear my head. So it kind of feels like as soon as my back is turned he is focussing elsewhere. The Chinese girl explained that whe felt sad that it may be the last time she saw him. She made it clear in her reply that he was a friend, mentor and like a father. His email was written a month after his visit over there. It is hard to be objective in my view as a counsellor. I think I have been doing what I would advise to someone else. Give myself space to work out what I want. Try not to make a hasty decision while being depressed. Take good care of myself. Ask the question is this healthy for me. But also see if I can build on the trust. I understand it takes a long time to recover from something like this and so does H. I now feel like this email thing has further complicated it all. Not even sure how I feel about him now.
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