Touche Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 It depends on how far along your relationship or marriage when this happens. You can't always tell at the outset since people tend to put their best face forward, at the beginning. But incompatible is incompatible. Whether you realize that later on or not. That's still the bottom line. That said, it's true that you can't always tell at the beginning. That's why it's wise not to invest too much until you really know a person's character and whether a mistake of some sort is an anomaly as far as the person's character is concerned, or whether they were covering up their true nature from the beginning. I agree that WHEN something like this becomes evident, it's time to discuss it and if there's no change, you walk, due to incompatibility. Totally agree.
NoIDidn't Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Good call Tony! I turned on NBC last night after I read your post, then I watched the Drew Peterson interview after it. Haven't watched NBC in a lo-o-o-ong time. I was impressed. Both specials made me very glad I'm not married. Some comments about the "Your Cheating Heart" special -- It struck me that both men and women want the same thing - emotional validation - from their partners. The difference is in how they want to receive it: men thru sex, women thru adoring words. That's great to wish for. But is that fair to ask that of another human being, to constantly provide them with emotional validation (in the manner of their choosing) for the rest of their life? Is that REALLY what we sign up for when we exchange those vows? Both the reformed OW and the counselor/author maintained that the BS has to take some responsibility for the atmosphere in their marriage that led to their mate's cheating. If I'm interpreting this correctly, the BS is responsible for the health of their marriage and ergo the happiness of their partner. If their partner isn't happy with their marriage, they are more likely to stray. God knows I've argued this very same point on these boards. But now I'm beginning to see why BS's are so adamant about their refusal to take any responsibility for their mate's decision to cheat, completely separating the state of their marriage from the cheating. It seems a little precarious to me... and an awful lot of pressure on the BS to make sure their partner is always happy with them. How in the world can one accomplish that on a consistent basis over many years?!? It sounds like extortion to me. It also sounds like an excuse on the CS's part... a deflection of blame onto their S. "Well if you had taken better care of me at home, I wouldn't have gone out and cheated." It's a Catch-22. Nobody can win this. Well, except for the CS who gets his needs met thru multiple parties. And BTW, the good-looking black couple featured in the special who've weathered the H's A? I didn't buy his crocodile tears for one second. He reminded me of Kobe Bryant when he made his announcement to the press about his A. Lots of tears and pauses; what a performance! And I didn't buy the white dude's story who took the MRI either. Apparently his W isn't buying it either. I need to look up her website... Loved this post, OB. I have often been one of the BSs arguing opposite you on who is responsible for the cheating vs. the marriage. And you are so right, its exhortion. Emotional blackmail. Done by the insecure, selfish and greedy who really have no intention of ever doing anything to actually engage in their marriage. Their only goal is to see how many hoops their BS is willing to jump through all for the honor of keeping booby prize: the cheating spouse. I am grateful to not be married to one of those emotional vampires. I didn't want to get divorced, but it would have certainly followed had my H attempted to ever blame me for his choices.
Heather1 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I know I'm an ego boost to OM, and I know his W is making every mistake she can right now in their marriage. Things are not good at work or at home for him right now & he's providing financial and emotional support to her whole family, and no one but me knows the guy is falling apart. His W's family lives w/ them. I really don't think this stuff happens by accident. I think couples go through their normal tough times without an affair. In my situation, this happened because he's going through a lot and making sure she's OK cuz she's having a lot of problems with a lot of support. No one's paying attention that he's the one in real trouble. Interesting though, I read the stuff about the phone records and I had an "unknown" hang up call today. He's only called me once from home, on a night she was out of town, so my phone number's on his bill just the once. I wonder if she watched the show & is starting to figure out they're in trouble?
NoIDidn't Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 I know I'm an ego boost to OM, and I know his W is making every mistake she can right now in their marriage. Things are not good at work or at home for him right now & he's providing financial and emotional support to her whole family, and no one but me knows the guy is falling apart. His W's family lives w/ them. I really don't think this stuff happens by accident. I think couples go through their normal tough times without an affair. In my situation, this happened because he's going through a lot and making sure she's OK cuz she's having a lot of problems with a lot of support. No one's paying attention that he's the one in real trouble. Interesting though, I read the stuff about the phone records and I had an "unknown" hang up call today. He's only called me once from home, on a night she was out of town, so my phone number's on his bill just the once. I wonder if she watched the show & is starting to figure out they're in trouble? Maybe her family that's living with them is paying attention to him and his interactions with her and putting one plus one together. Its only a matter of time before he gets busted. And with her family being there in his house too, he's in for hell on Earth.
Lizzie60 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 ...hum... I agree with a lot of what was said.. but also disagree with a lot.. I don't agree that I think he said 88% of male cheater do not choose an OW better than their W.. although I agree that can happen.. in most cases, the OW is way better looking, sexier or younger. I also don't agree with his stats.. it's more likely 90% + all men that cheat.. and probably 40 % of women.. IMO. The Ed and Mary.. Maybe I'm wrong but wasn't she the OW at first?... Ed was lying IMO even under the MRI.. there is absolutely NO lie detecting tests that are 100% foolproof.. any psychopath can play those tests.. IMO The black couple.. could be in therapy.. etc..etc.. of course he won't cheat.. because they got a second chance (almost like another honeymoon) but that will also fade away.. and routine and boredom will come back.. and he will cheat again.. I didn't buy his story. I don't think that infidelity can be avoided.. it's NOT natural to be with only one partner for the rest of our life.. it just can't happen unless the libido is at 0 or that the person is sooo hideous that they will never meet another person again... because they already have their match..
Touche Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 I know I'm an ego boost to OM, and I know his W is making every mistake she can right now in their marriage. Things are not good at work or at home for him right now & he's providing financial and emotional support to her whole family, and no one but me knows the guy is falling apart. His W's family lives w/ them. I really don't think this stuff happens by accident. I think couples go through their normal tough times without an affair. In my situation, this happened because he's going through a lot and making sure she's OK cuz she's having a lot of problems with a lot of support. No one's paying attention that he's the one in real trouble. Interesting though, I read the stuff about the phone records and I had an "unknown" hang up call today. He's only called me once from home, on a night she was out of town, so my phone number's on his bill just the once. I wonder if she watched the show & is starting to figure out they're in trouble? Blah, blah, yada, yada, poor guy. No one at home understands all that he's going through. Waaaa, boo hoo. Bottom line is that he's sleeping with another woman that isn't his wife. Having a bit of a tough time at home is no excuse. A good and honest man wouldn't go and sleep with another woman under that circumstance. Or under ANY circumstance. It's sad that some women don't realize that there are men who actually love their wives enough to not crap on them and cheat. It's also sad when the OW thinks the guy is a peach and just got a bum deal at home. Uhm..no. The guy wants his cake and eat it too. And he's not "prime" in my book. Nor are those married guys who flirt and make innuendos and act like fools. Who would want a man like that? Personally, I'd rather be alone than with some low-grade guy. I value myself more than that.
Heather1 Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Hmmmm Yeah, if we could all be perfect and pious, I'm sure this stuff would never happen. Sometimes you get unexpected curve balls that open a window that's usually shut. I'm sure for him, her family moving in doesn't help. He's very wealthy, and none of her family is self supportive. It didn't occur to me her family might be watching their interactions & figuring stuff out. Surprisingly, they should move out to save the marriage instead of being PI's & losing the meal ticket. I just have to say to the BS, you REALLY should see if your H stress level has reached it's peak. This is very preventable if the guy's a good guy.
NoIDidn't Posted May 10, 2009 Posted May 10, 2009 Sometimes you get unexpected curve balls that open a window that's usually shut. Hopefully, you'll be more understanding then if its your H that cheating due to one of life's 'curve balls'. It didn't occur to me her family might be watching their interactions & figuring stuff out. Surprisingly, they should move out to save the marriage instead of being PI's & losing the meal ticket. I just have to say to the BS, you REALLY should see if your H stress level has reached it's peak. This is very preventable if the guy's a good guy. I know you don't realize this, and you probably won't appreciate my pointing it out, but you've been had. This guy is using the usual "meal ticket" and other lines on you to get your sympathy. Of course they are watching their interactions. They live there now. You don't have to "watch" to see what is going on in your own home. What you have here is a man who is afraid to upset his W by telling her that her family has to go. So he has you for that. He tells you when he should be telling her. When they find out that he is cheating on her, they will likely leave but not after making him feel like the scum of the earth - deservedly or not. You are wasting your time here. When this stressor is over in his life, your affair will end as well. You are nothing more than a stop-gap measure for a rough spot. These kinds of affairs usually end with bus tracks.
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