How important is it to be able to have deep or intellectual conversations with an SO?

[Isolde]

This is something I've been thinking about for a while. Some couples, often but not always those in similar professional fields, can talk about all kinds of esoteric and random things with one another. Others may consider each other best friends but nevertheless don't really have intense, intellectually charged conversations over dinner.

 

I have friendships with guys that involve these kinds of conversations, and as much as I value them, I'm not sure if this is an essential component for a relationship or not.

 

On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being "this is crucial/a dealmaker or breaker" and 1 being "not important in the slighest," how important is this to you?

[Land Shark]

I rate it a 9. "Deep, intellectual" is relative of course. You just need to be equally capable. Otherwise, it's difficult to really respect the person.

[kizik]

10.

 

I am not interested in landing the hottest woman in the world. I don't care about a trophy. Now, I don't want a really gross chick or anything, but let me say this:

 

a stimulating, in-depth, fun conversation with a woman is by far THE most attractive quality I could think of that she could bear.

 

As I've grown up a little bit, I have understood what people mean when they talk about smart being sexy.

 

Smart is SO sexy.

[Isolde]

I mean intellectual in subject matter/depth of analysis as opposed to merely intelligent or cogent.

[You'reasian]

This is something I've been thinking about for a while. Some couples, can talk about all kinds of esoteric and random things with one another. Others may consider each other best friends but nevertheless don't really have intense, intellectually charged conversations over the dinner table.

 

I have friendships with guys that involve these kinds of conversations, and as much as I value them, I'm not sure if this is an essential component for a relationship or not.

 

On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being "this is crucial/a dealmaker or breaker" and 1 being "not important in the slighest," how important is this to you?

 

Personally, I don't need deep intellectual conversations with an SO isn't a dealmaker or breaker however the ability to have one increases my respect for that person.

 

For me it is a 4.

 

I had a funny experience with this topic once.

 

A girl I dated thought that I was too flirty, shallow and was only interested in the ego boost and generally uncapable of intellectual discussion - simply, because I never started one.

 

Yet another one friend zoned me after taking the lead in a smart, long debate about US projection of power, policy and presence abroad.

[kizik]

Yyyeah... that's what I meant too.

 

To me, it's all about being interested. You know all those dumb bitches out there whose daddies buy 'em everything? They're not interested in sh*t, except their next manicure.

 

Give me a girl with a curious eye who is interested in sh*t. THAT's what it's all about.

[amaysngrace]

I think intelligence is really important. I like having deep conversations with my man. We talk about all kinds of things. And we are pretty much on the same page about our view points. But when we disagree look out. We can really go at it.

 

I don't much care for debating like this but he says he finds it pretty cool that we can both be so passionate about something. It seems to do more for his mind than mine. It impresses him where I'm just like yeah whatever.

[Isolde]

For me, it's a 5 or 6. Being able to have a thoughtful, intelligent conversation would be a 10, but being able to have a scholarly debate with a guy isn't a dealmaker or breaker for me. The answer might change as I gain more dating experience, but I think I'll always rate kindness, honesty and trust above this.

[Trialbyfire]

I mean intellectual in subject matter/depth of analysis as opposed to merely intelligent or cogent.

Explain this Isolde. What is intellectual in subject matter/depth of analysis?

 

Would you consider an indepth scientific theory discussion about why grey wolves survived the Pleistocene era and dire wolves didn't, sufficiently intellectual and deep?

[Isolde]

Are you making fun of me TBF?

[kizik]

She's not making fun of you, it's just that your phrasing is confusing. You seem to be creating a divide between intellectualism and topic-focused discussion, and they're often one and the same.

[Trialbyfire]

Nope. I'm straight out asking you. Everyone views deep in different ways. Some feel it must be connected in some way to human behaviour.

[Isolde]

OK, I mean a focused analysis of a book or a certain economic theory, as opposed to an intelligent but more general discussion about, say, current events. Grey wolves might count as intellectual depending on the way they were discussed. By "intelligent and general" vs. intellectual, I mean something that would be discussed at a dinner party vs. something that would be discussed at a college seminar.

[kizik]

It's all the same. Interesting people find interest in a variety of topics, but almost always are experts on at least one specific area.

[You'reasian]

I'm still laughing at myself for being called too flirty and uncapable of deep conversation on one date and then being friendzoned on another date for taking the lead on that 4-hour discussion and not being of the same political beliefs.

 

You ladies crack me up

[Isolde]

I'm still laughing at myself for being called too flirty and uncapable of deep conversation on one date and then being friendzoned on another date for taking the lead on that 4-hour discussion and not being of the same political beliefs.

 

You ladies crack me up

 

While it might seem like you can't win, it's more plausible that the chemistry wasn't great with either of those ladies. I sometimes feel like I either act too flirty or too serious on dates, too. I think it's just a matter of finding the right fit.

[amaysngrace]

I'm still laughing at myself for being called too flirty and uncapable of deep conversation on one date and then being friendzoned on another date for taking the lead on that 4-hour discussion and not being of the same political beliefs.

 

You ladies crack me up

 

It's incapable.

[Land Shark]

Sounds pretty structured. Maybe it's just semantics. I just want to be with someone who has a brain and knows how to use it. I don't need to be dragged into the intellectual trenches at every opportunity. I also don't always like to be "intellectual". Simpler is generally better. I also don't have a lot of patience for someone who is trying hard to be really smart all the time. I think it's immature to be continually trying to impress people with your great intellect. And it's dull.

[kizik]

It's incapable.

 

The Grammar Police called, they need you back at the stayshun.

[You'reasian]

While it might seem like you can't win, it's more plausible that the chemistry wasn't great with either of those ladies. I sometimes feel like I either act too flirty or too serious on dates, too. I think it's just a matter of finding the right fit.

 

Agreed.

 

Women are usually indirect about these things.

[amaysngrace]

The Grammar Police called, they need you back at the stayshun.

 

He wuz the won sayin he is shallow cuz he lacks intellect in covosayshuns.

 

And he blamed it on us ladies.

[burning 4 revenge]

Sounds pretty structured. Maybe it's just semantics. I just want to be with someone who has a brain and knows how to use it. I don't need to be dragged into the intellectual trenches at every opportunity. I also don't always like to be "intellectual". Simpler is generally better. I also don't have a lot of patience for someone who is trying hard to be really smart all the time. I think it's immature to be continually trying to impress people with your great intellect. And it's dull.

 

yes, true

 

some of the girls ive liked best in the world are totally down to earth and dont care about anything in books

 

on the other hand when theyre honestly of an intellectual disposition (usually meaning they have a curious mind of some sort) they can be quite fascinating

[kizik]

I like it when they have breasts.

[Isolde]

Simple genuinity is far preferable to false intellectualism and pomposity, I agree.

[WhyYesThankYou]

For me, yes, general curiosity and a high level of general intelligence is important. I like it when people take an interest in the specialist area in which I work and learn enough about it that when I talk about something that happened at work, they can understand what I'm talking about and respond meaningfully.

 

My [primary] partner works in an area I have very little interest in, so I kind of follow his general work updates, but I don't really engage with him about them. We have deep-and-meaningfuls about current affairs, movies we watch, etc.

 

Once I dated a guy and I mentioned to him that I did my [college] senior research on - let's say - Wittgenstein. (It was another philosopher, but - you know.) He showed up to the next date having acquired an encyclopedic knowledge of all Wittgenstein's writings and theories. And it's like he was trying to impress me with this knowledge. I found it overwhelming and a little creepy. But that's because personally I'd rather have a general discussion about how language is used than about the details of a particular linguistic theory. I mean, it was a third date, not a university lecture!!