okiesweetie78 Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Ok here it is. I am thirty, I am married with three kids. One 11, one 3, one 7 month. I have been with my husband six years and we've been married two of those six years. I have been supper stressed lately because my husband stays on the computer playing games or playing the xbox 360. I knew he liked porn, which didn't bother me a lot since he seemed to understand that I wasn't really all that into it. What bothered me was that I found out that he had a personal ad on yahoo. I accidentally stumbled across this. I decided to further research and I found that many nights he has been staying up at all hours in the night looking at porn. I have also found that he had three and maybe more personal ads. I was offended. I am offended. I am offened because I get up in the mornings and take care of kids and clean and try to make him happy so he can stay up all night and sleep all day. i get virtually no help from him anymore. I am frustrated because I don't understand why he didn't come to me if he wanted lovings. I have grown a concious about my looks and I question if I am too big or not pretty enough. I confronted him about all of this and he said he created all of the profiles before I came along but geez, I go to college and I know how to read and do some research. He stopped or slowed down for a couple of days (acted like he was depressed, snippy, can't please him, and so forth) and then I noticed today that he was looking at porn again while my kids and I were out at the dentist. I am done keeping up with him looking at the porn or trying to find out if he has more personal ads because I am exhausted from stresssing over it, yet I love him and I am a little paranoid that he is going to cheat or something if he hasn't already.
tami-chan Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Ok here it is. I am thirty, I am married with three kids. One 11, one 3, one 7 month. I have been with my husband six years and we've been married two of those six years. I have been supper stressed lately because my husband stays on the computer playing games or playing the xbox 360. I knew he liked porn, which didn't bother me a lot since he seemed to understand that I wasn't really all that into it. What bothered me was that I found out that he had a personal ad on yahoo. I accidentally stumbled across this. I decided to further research and I found that many nights he has been staying up at all hours in the night looking at porn. I have also found that he had three and maybe more personal ads. I was offended. I am offended. I am offened because I get up in the mornings and take care of kids and clean and try to make him happy so he can stay up all night and sleep all day. i get virtually no help from him anymore. I am frustrated because I don't understand why he didn't come to me if he wanted lovings. I have grown a concious about my looks and I question if I am too big or not pretty enough. I confronted him about all of this and he said he created all of the profiles before I came along but geez, I go to college and I know how to read and do some research. He stopped or slowed down for a couple of days (acted like he was depressed, snippy, can't please him, and so forth) and then I noticed today that he was looking at porn again while my kids and I were out at the dentist. I am done keeping up with him looking at the porn or trying to find out if he has more personal ads because I am exhausted from stresssing over it, yet I love him and I am a little paranoid that he is going to cheat or something if he hasn't already. I am sorry that you are going through this.... but you DO know you have to do something to change this situation, right? What does that mean if he says those profiles were there before he met you? Does that mean he gets to keep it and keep on searching for a mate? You should ask him what the profiles are for since he is no longer single-actually has not been for awhile. If it does not serve a purpose anymore ( I bet he is not going to tell you the truth, why) then he has to delete all those profiles...although how does one really keep up with those, does anyone know? Anyway, your husband is already cheating on you--might not be "in flesh". What do you think he does on those sites? Telling women how much he loves you and how great your sex life is? I doubt that. and please his addiction to porn and cheap women on those sites have nothing to do with you. Everything has to do with him. So either he stops everything that has something to do with porn and icky sites and you guys work on the trust/communication issues in your marriage and for him to work on what is wrong with him. Or you can leave( obviously, easier said than that-what with the kids and your love for him) or you can just be indifferent to him-re-program your life so that you are not available for his needs.
Author okiesweetie78 Posted May 9, 2009 Author Posted May 9, 2009 It's difficult for me to even think about leaving much less doing it. I do love my husband. I have just grown to hate the xbox and the computer. Maybe I shouldn't look at it like this but I have to wonder what it is that they have that I don't. Sure would be cold at night if he had to snuggle to them. I haven't given much thought but then again I have given a lot of thought about the personal ads. I try not to think about it. I thought maybe I was blowing this way out of proportion but I am glad to see that there is some validation to the way I am feeling. There have been times during our intimate times when he has brought up me sleeping with him and another man or watching me with another man. He thinks our relationship could withstand that but I have stuck to my guns on that and said a flat out no. He doesn't get how it hurts me for him to talk like that. I don't want him to want me to be with anyone else, I am his wife and he is supposed to not want things this way. I don't think he understands (although I have shared with him many times before) that when he wants me to try such a thing it makes me feel like trash, like a piece of meat not something special. He thinks I am being ridiculous. I guess in some ways I have tried to find validation in my feelings because at times he makes me feel like I am unreasonable in how I feel.
bentnotbroken Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 The issues aren't the xbox, the coputer or even the porn. It's about the lack of respect he has for you or your feelings. We have to take a stand for ourselves when we are being mistreated. If you don't stand up, who will.
Author okiesweetie78 Posted May 11, 2009 Author Posted May 11, 2009 Maybe I have made a big deal out of things with my husband. I don't know. I sure know that I feel that his games and the porn gets in the way of things. I feel neglected emotionally and physically. I know he seems really depressed when he goes without his "hobbies" a day or two. I know he gets really snippy over the games and defensive. I hate this too. It's just not right. I wonder if he is married to them because he never snips at anyone for saying or being disrespectful to me. I don't mind the games but honestly I just wish that he would compromise and get his priorities straight. Such as limit the time he spendss on them. I tried to talk to him and unfortunately he doesn't think he spends much time on them and he doesn't understand how it is that the porn hurts me. I noticed the porn is gone that I ran across but honestly my husband can run that computer well enough to hide things from me to where I will never find it. What I did find I really had to look. I wasn't aware that he liked it so much and really it explains why our sex life has went down the drain. I don't mean to go on and on but I am just really trying to put things into perspective because I love my husband dearly and I just wish I knew what to do with him to make him understand.
Untouchable_Fire Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 I tried to talk to him and unfortunately he doesn't think he spends much time on them and he doesn't understand how it is that the porn hurts me. I noticed the porn is gone that I ran across but honestly my husband can run that computer well enough to hide things from me to where I will never find it. What I did find I really had to look. I wasn't aware that he liked it so much and really it explains why our sex life has went down the drain. I don't mean to go on and on but I am just really trying to put things into perspective because I love my husband dearly and I just wish I knew what to do with him to make him understand. I know guys pretty well, and I would say his issues have to do with him and not you. Example, he likes porn because it is easy, and he may feel inadequate with you. The games are similar because it is an escape for him... a way to pretend he is someone better than he is. You need to get him into some kind of therapy. He needs to stay off the computer and give up porn 100%. That's usually hard for a guy who is addicted... and he probably is addicted. You basically have the same as a drug addict on your hands.
Author okiesweetie78 Posted May 12, 2009 Author Posted May 12, 2009 I should be ashamed and honestly in face of it I don't think I could because I love my husband dearly but due to the lack of emotional support and lack of physical contact I want to just find someone long enough to feel like I am indeed attractive again. I tried to initiate things but my husband didn't want to yet later he was masturbating. I feel terrible.. I feel like what good am I if my own husband doesn't even want me. I have tried to discuss things with him but he just doesn't get it at all. He says he loves me and he is attracted to me but I still have to wonder sometimes. I don't think that I am unattractive, there are a few people in my life that have let me knwo if given the chance, but thing is I love and wwant my husband and I don't want anyone else. In the heat of one our arguements I was very appalled at him saying he would not care if I cheated as long as I was honest.
2sure Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Does this man work ? It sounds like he has nothing to do other than be on the computer playing games & surfing for porn.
jwi71 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 Well okiesweetie... I don't have any advice you will like. It sounds like your H is very immature. I'm sorry, but playing the xbox WITH your kids is one thing...but playing the xbox INSTEAD your kids is something altogether different. Instead of spending time with you or family, he escapes by playing games. Avoiding the issues with himself. Not only does he turn his back...he refuses your reaching out. He is very disconnected. I know you are focused on the sexual aspect of things now but I bet it runs deeper than just the nosedive in sex. His willingness to let you "have another man" is extremely worrisome. Ask him to join you in MC.
2sure Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 To be honest, it sounds like he has too much time on his hands. Either because he wants to or because his employment status makes it so. He is bored. He may not be physically cheating on you but the nature of his surfing means eventually he will hit pay dirt - whether he is actually seeking it or not.
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