forbidden fruit Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 For all of you who know my story, here is an upate if anyone cares. Xmm and I have been NC for almost 4 months now, whenever contact is made it is strictly to deal with the kids. My marriage is surviving and everyday is struggle because I live with huge guilt. My xmm has still not sold his house, literally turned down all reasonable offers for some reason. I am going to move if he doesn't. the last four months NC has been easy. I just pretended he did not exist. However, for some reason maybe because he is staying put, I have alot of anger towards him. I want him to move so I never have to see him. Everytime I see him, I see how he lied, deceived and manipulated me all to get me into bed. The words of caring and loving were just words. He looks at me now like I look at him with utter hate and it is slowly eating away at me. Yes I have my husband and my kids and my work and if it weren't for them who knows where i would be. He tried to destroy me and I know it is my responibility because I let him in. He once told me he wanted to contol me physically, emotionally and mentally and it almost happened. He never cared about me and certainly never loved me and coming out of the fog, I realized that now. I realize all the pain and drama I inflicted on my family and I feel like I will be forever haunted by the memory. I have not forgiven myself for any of it and everyday is struggle to wake up and put a smile on my face. Just wanted to give you an update, I wish it was better news.
Owl Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Did you ever tell your husband about the affair? It's good news that you're not still IN the affair...so take what you can get out of a situation like this. So what's your plan to improve your marriage from here, my friend?
Mr. Lucky Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Everytime I see him, I see how he lied, deceived and manipulated me all to get me into bed. I'm confused by this statement. Had you still slept with him, would it matter at this point if his reasons were honest and forthright? Mr. Lucky
Dexter Morgan Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Everytime I see him, I see how he lied, deceived and manipulated me all to get me into bed. You cheated on your husband. That means you exhibit much the same traits as the MM...ie lying, deception..etc. So I don't really see how you can be angry with the OM. You should start by being angry with yourself. It shouldn't have mattered what the guy said or how slick he was to try to get you into bed.....you are MARRIED. Yes I have my husband and my kids and my work and if it weren't for them who knows where i would be. He tried to destroy me and I know it is my responibility because I let him in. does your husband know? If so, you are damn lucky he didn't put you on the street. He never cared about me and certainly never loved me and coming out of the fog, I realized that now. I realize all the pain and drama I inflicted on my family and I feel like I will be forever haunted by the memory. I have not forgiven myself for any of it and everyday is struggle to wake up and put a smile on my face. Just wanted to give you an update, I wish it was better news. The problem I see with your struggle is this.....too much thought given to this OM, and hardly any words about your husband. Fact is, this man played a married woman, and married woman betrayed her husband. You and the OM are equal when it comes to character. So forget the other man and concentrate on your husband...because all this concern about the OM tells me that you could care less about your husband.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Ok, just read more of your story in other threads. Now I understand why you barely make mention of your husband and seem to fixate on the OM, and now I realize the M in OM is men, not man. Here you are, a repeat cheat, you want us to all feel sorry for you and agree with you that the MM are evil, which I'll give you...they are scum, that is for sure. But here you are cheating on your H with more than one man, but it is ALL THEM that are the jerks huh? I'm sorry...if you are truly working on your marriage, then work on it. Focus your attention on your husband. I'd like to see more attention and focus on your husband.......but we don't get that. We get your fixation on the other men who are jerks, but YOU were the one that hooked up with them. So fix your marriage, concentrate on your husband...but drop the "poor old woe is me, I got played by a couple of ahole married men" routine. it doesn't work for you.
White Flower Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 I'm confused by this statement. Had you still slept with him, would it matter at this point if his reasons were honest and forthright? Mr. Lucky I'm confused by this question; are you suggesting that she would have slept with him if he'd warned her it was only for sex and not love?
lkjh Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 You are not a victim and 15 years down the road when you are sitting in your home with your H you will look back and really understand what you have done. You are just as much to blame(if not more) as the OM. You still refuse to tell your H so nothing has changed. This was not a update.
Chrome Barracuda Posted May 9, 2009 Posted May 9, 2009 Believe it or not, FF I wish you the best. but lying by omission is still a lie.
whichwayisup Posted May 11, 2009 Posted May 11, 2009 Hey FF..Thanks for the update! Well, all I can tell you is, GET OVER THE ANGER. Holding onto it is pointless. The A is over, you two are not friends and it's time to let go of it all. Forgive yourself, forgive him. I think once you do that, you really will be fine and not care one bit what he does or doesn't do.
Mr. Lucky Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I'm confused by this question; are you suggesting that she would have slept with him if he'd warned her it was only for sex and not love? No, simply that she's focusing on the means and forgetting the end. Regardless of his motives or conduct, whether honest or deceptive, the point is that she slept with him while married to someone else. Her obvious anger at him seems a little misplaced... Mr. Lucky
White Flower Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 I think that depends on what he promised or how he behaved in order to manipulate her. I don't remember the details, though, so you could be right.
MizzBlue72 Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 She can be angry - there is a lot for her to be angry at. And she is angry at herself. If you read these stories, you can tell that all the OW on this forum are in some way shape or form angry at themselves. She can also be angry at the MM - and MM in general. I can relate to the anger and do suggest also that you find a way to get over the anger, and to let it go - once and for all. It is not good for you.
bentnotbroken Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 She can be angry - there is a lot for her to be angry at. And she is angry at herself. If you read these stories, you can tell that all the OW on this forum are in some way shape or form angry at themselves. She can also be angry at the MM - and MM in general. I can relate to the anger and do suggest also that you find a way to get over the anger, and to let it go - once and for all. It is not good for you. :eek:Really? I have read on these threads, especially recently, how BS shouldn't be angry at all AP(mainly ow)because they aren't the AP in their particular situation. Didn't you post something to that effect, bitter BS? Forgive me if I am wrong. Why is okay for ow to be angry and not BS? or AP generally? Very interested in the response.
NoIDidn't Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 :eek:Really? I have read on these threads, especially recently, how BS shouldn't be angry at all AP(mainly ow)because they aren't the AP in their particular situation. Didn't you post something to that effect, bitter BS? Forgive me if I am wrong. Why is okay for ow to be angry and not BS? or AP generally? Very interested in the response. Don't hold your breath. As you can tell, there are plenty of bitter OPs in these forums, too.
NoIDidn't Posted May 12, 2009 Posted May 12, 2009 My xmm has still not sold his house, literally turned down all reasonable offers for some reason. I stopped at this comment, because it makes no sense and is nobody's business but the home sellers. I get that you are angry with him, and want him gone so that you don't have to face up to your own actions - but this is ridiculous. He's not the reason you have huge guilt. You are. And you likely will even after he moves away. You gotta deal with the source of your guilt. His lying and manipulation aren't the source of your guilt. His existence isn't the source of your guilt. You are. And you have to deal with that. And, note, that I didn't say tell your H. That's only going to be a transference of your guilt. You have to deal with it, not transfer it. Maybe after you deal with the guilt, you might be in a place to one day tell your H and work on your own marriage. But if you tell before then, it will only come off as a way to make yourself feel better. Sorry, FF. You've got a long way to go. But I'm sure you can make it, even with baby steps.
lkjh Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 :eek:Really? I have read on these threads, especially recently, how BS shouldn't be angry at all AP(mainly ow)because they aren't the AP in their particular situation. Didn't you post something to that effect, bitter BS? Forgive me if I am wrong. Why is okay for ow to be angry and not BS? or AP generally? Very interested in the response. thats because OW/OM are so needy they honestly only see the world from their perspective. They don't realize they are in the wrong, they so badly want to believe that they are good and all that they do is good
White Flower Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 thats because OW/OM are so needy they honestly only see the world from their perspective. They don't realize they are in the wrong, they so badly want to believe that they are good and all that they do is good Oh let's not be extreme. I know you want to goad but hey, I've got a few minutes and I'll bite. Everyone is needy. Period. They tend to see views in all perspectives because they have to in order for the A to continue. They almost always realize they are in the wrong; their hurting heart tells them so. Most of them are good people in general who got caught up in a very bad situation they thought they could handle but was proven wrong. Eventually. I'm sorry you are so hurt. I really am. I hope you can see that most come here for help because they know they need it. Try to give it to them if you really care.
lkjh Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Oh let's not be extreme. I know you want to goad but hey, I've got a few minutes and I'll bite. Everyone is needy. Period. They tend to see views in all perspectives because they have to in order for the A to continue. They almost always realize they are in the wrong; their hurting heart tells them so. Most of them are good people in general who got caught up in a very bad situation they thought they could handle but was proven wrong. Eventually. I'm sorry you are so hurt. I really am. I hope you can see that most come here for help because they know they need it. Try to give it to them if you really care. I am just laughing at this. I am not hurt and I have never been cheated on. But a person who is willing to stay second place in someone else's life is clearly more needy than others. Saying you just got caught up in a bad situation is just blame shifting. Having a one stand with someone in a relationship is one thing but sneaking around and lying for years is a completely different thing. It takes a huge emotional flaw to keep up with something like this. A person who subjects them self to this type of abuse clearly has issues.
NoIDidn't Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 They tend to see views in all perspectives because they have to in order for the A to continue. Now, THIS, I have to disagree with. They usually see all sides, alright. As long as the married cheater that they love is on it. Very rarely have I ever seen an OP, particularly an OW, ever show that they see *all* sides. I said rarely, not never, before that becomes a bone of contention with someone (never you, WF, as a MW who actually did see most sides, still not all).
GreenEyedLady Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 thats because OW/OM are so needy they honestly only see the world from their perspective. They don't realize they are in the wrong, they so badly want to believe that they are good and all that they do is good Are you for real? Have you ever been an OP? So I don't think you can speak for OP's then, can you???
NoIDidn't Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Are you for real? Have you ever been an OP? So I don't think you can speak for OP's then, can you??? Weak argument. I don't have to be an inmate to know that being in prison is unpleasant, to say the least.
White Flower Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 I am just laughing at this. I am not hurt and I have never been cheated on. But a person who is willing to stay second place in someone else's life is clearly more needy than others. Saying you just got caught up in a bad situation is just blame shifting. Having a one stand with someone in a relationship is one thing but sneaking around and lying for years is a completely different thing. It takes a huge emotional flaw to keep up with something like this. A person who subjects them self to this type of abuse clearly has issues. That is because you see it as abuse. Some OW/OM enjoy a R without strings but I didn't want to get into that with you. And everyone has issues; one doesn't have to be an A partner to have issues.
NoIDidn't Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 one doesn't have to be an A partner to have issues. Isn't this the truth!
lkjh Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 That is because you see it as abuse. Some OW/OM enjoy a R without strings but I didn't want to get into that with you. And everyone has issues; one doesn't have to be an A partner to have issues. I never said you have to be a affair partner to have issues.....I said OW/OM are more needy then others
lkjh Posted May 13, 2009 Posted May 13, 2009 Are you for real? Have you ever been an OP? So I don't think you can speak for OP's then, can you??? You don't have to be one, you can learn from observation. Do you have a better reason why someone will literally wait around for years as someones second choice?
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